Hardware Removal Day! Hooray!

Today is the day. The end of a chapter: eighteen months and seven days ago the nearly five hour reconstructive knee surgery that followed my nasty biking accident was topped off with a metal plate and six screws into my shin to help keep everything together. Well, today at 4pm, that metal is coming out! Free at last! 

And how could I forget the lovely cadaver bone that was graphed into my tibia as well that day. Lucky for me, that person's contribution stays forever and has done a bang up job!

I am experiencing feelings of confidence, anticipation, relief, a (near) sense of accomplishment, joy... and then there is shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, and sadness too. It's all wrapped in one pretty, psychedelic bow.

Mom and Alon will be with me today for what is a very routine procedure. I know I have worked through most of my trauma from the accident, but at some point I'm sure "everything" will come through me like one big rush down a class five rapid. I'll even be at work for a few hours till my blood sugar crashes altogether and I start rolling heads. At that time, I will politely go and continue to starve myself elsewhere till I am needed at the surgical center.

I am filled with so much love and gratitude to all those who have supported me, loved me, heard my story time and again, walked through the muck, brought rays of sunshine to my most trying days, and sent all sorts of encouragement and positive vibrations. I would not be where I am today with each and every one of you!

Subconscious Healing

I had a dream last night that I had my second knee surgery (slated for Feb 2013), where the metal plate and screws were removed. I was at a party or something, and people were asking me, "Did you have your surgery yet?"... and I was like, "Yea, I just finished it but I'm fine. See?" And I was just sitting back on the floor, legs folded. I saw a two inch freshly healed incision in my leg and I was very carefree and delighted. It was awesome!! YAY! My subconscious is happily, freely integrating the inevitable... which has made me feel pretty anxious up to this point. Now I'm like, "I GOT THIS." 

Contemplation & Change

My contemplation lately has been about courage, consciousness, creativity, and compassion. These are my gateways to change (another C word), which, for me, truly starts from within. What do these words mean to you? 

I refuse to get caught in the flurry; the hustle and bustle side of life. Jumping from one thing to the next - be it an idea, a job, a home, a relationship, an academic program, project, or hobby. I want to make solid, meaningful steps on my path. I like dreamers and visionaries, and I like being a dreamer too. But there is a middle path I am starting to get more in touch with where the dreamer meets the road and walks confidently on the path ahead. So far, I am getting the results I want while being somewhat insanely and stubbornly conscious in this newish way. What are the results? One is about being a better friend to myself. This is like pressing stop and rewind over and over again to catch that mysterious lyric you can just barely decipher. Each time, getting clearer information and coming to a deeper understanding of what it is that is being said. Judging less, loving more. Simplifying my life. Following my heart and serving my community while supporting myself on all levels (financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, mental). Having honest conversations with people. Going for what I want; taking a leap of faith! Clarity is on the horizon as I embrace living from an even deeper internal center rather than an external focus.

Creating the life I want means coming from a place of genuine truth. As I encourage myself to speak, live, behave, and feel more of my personal truth, I get closer to my core truth, to my truest self. I start to question, let go of, and change ideas, behaviors, thought patterns, identities, and even relationships (to people, places, ideas or things) that do not serve or suit me any longer. I embrace change. I accept and love myself. I recognize the stuff that I have an aversion to which is simultaneously giving me some very important messages. What am I supposed to do but slow down and listen? What do I learn but to accept IT. I thereby accept some newly conscious part of myself. Then, I learn to love IT. Thereby loving some newly conscious part of myself. Then, a change follows. Some part of my internal world shifts and most likely a part of my external world shifts too, whether it is something in my physical world or a shift in my perspective thereby altering how I see the world.

My mantras:
   Be courageous. Be conscious. Create. Be compassionate.
          Be CURIOUS!
                   EMBRACE CHANGE WITH A SMILE.
                           Live the life I want...
                                    

"Be the change you [I] wish to see in the world".  -Ghandi

 

Eating my way through San Francisco

Roaming from one neighborhood to the next today, we nibbled our fair share of local delicacies. Starting with a shared deluxe falafel sandwich at Truly Mediterranean which you can find next to the Roxie in the Mission (note: every thing in California begins with "the" - get used to it; i.e. "the Roxie", "the Mission", "the 580"). 

In the beloved Castro district while we were drenched with sunlight and surrounded by peacefully supported individuality and self-expression, beautiful men slipped by me (including a naked one). With a spicy chai in hand Alon and I stopped at Under One Roof, a vibrant non-profit supporting local artist and various non-profits in the AIDS community, where I purchased my "Support Equal Marriage Rights" pin and tacked it proudly on my purse. We looped back around to Anchor Oyster Bar after passing it once at high noon lunch rush; indulging in a cup of New England clam chowder, sharing a half dozen oysters from New Brunswick and Washington State, and balancing it out with a fresh green salad we rolled out of Castro with full bellies. Two digestive enzyme pills accommodating my foodie journey at this point. 

Dim sum sampling followed at Good Mong Kok Bakery, "Nice Food" in China Town -- HIGHLY recommended -- a perfectly steamed boa of pork and vegetables plus an over sized sesame ball ($1.30) followed by a different variety (not as good) of steamed boa and a yellow, slightly sweet, glutenful block of dessert-like-thing that resembled a giggly bar of translucent soap ($1.30) about a block away. I boardered on stuffing myself at this point. 

We meandered to North Beach (old town feel, super friendly people). A man with long white hair and a bright purple tank top offered to point us in an interesting direction. We were led to Cafe Trieste in a Little Italy sorta place, gently sipping a hot Americano, Alon enjoying a latte as the air became brisk and the sun started to set. Listening, watching, and smelling the scene unfold around me. I scribble my first entry of three pages into my beautiful new journal, a lotus on its cover. It was a perfect day thanks to my perfect, personal tour guide (and his iPhone), my sweety and Bay Area-expert, Alon.

A kiss atop her head

A blink and they are gone

Punctuated by the man on the corner

checked shirt and bad parallel parking

She sits. Waiting for what?

Tin can clinks

The man in the corner at a table for four

Sits still with hands gently clasped

Staring far beyond the plate glass window

Music dissolves into the background

His gaze a blur

It's not unusual, as they come and go.

She's back, he's gone.
Thump, thump

Squeeeek

Whirrrr

Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

Anniversary can mean so many things

365 days of blogging... well, not really. More like 60-somethings posts. There were some breaks in there. But 365 days of recovery. Absolutely. And counting. 365 days of patience, perseverance, acceptance, frustration, sadness, gratitude, surprise, self-discovery, self-renewal, joy, support, learning, and love. Yes. Yes. Yes!

A year ago today I started this blog as a commitment to my health, to experiencing gratitude, and to living happily. Eight hours after my first blog entry - filled with optimism and sense of accomplishment, I crashed my bike on the side of the road and so began the most painful and frightening day of my life. About two years to the day, Alon and I signed our first lease together and I began to settle in to the most beautiful relationship of my life (sounds a little corny, but love can be that way sometimes and it's good!). Almost three years ago to the day, I found out my Mom was battling stage two breast cancer and I met Alon shortly thereafter. Four years to the day, I became part of a cohort at Naropa University who I would spend a year with studying transpersonal counseling psychology, mindfulness meditation, and wilderness therapy. Today, I find myself healthy and getting stronger, filled with gratitude for all things, people, and accomplishments in my life. And everyday - though sometimes it's a real struggle - I focus on and succeed in bringing more joy, peace, acceptance, and fulfillment into my life.

There have been just a few things I've learned this year... 1) the art of acceptance, 2) how to create more happiness and joy in my life, 3) how to tell a story, and 4) a great blogger updates people at least once a week and keeps her posts to 500 words or less (still working on that one).

That said, the new self-awareness I can share with you today includes... 

1) Transformation is beautiful, challenging, and awkward! (i.e. from extrovert to introvert)

2) I'm taking control of my life (to the extent possible) by making intentional choices focused on my happiness. (seems simple but it hasn't been!)

3) The courage to be me is always in demand.

4) I have enough. Right here. Right now.

5) I am perfect in every moment / every moment is perfect.

6) My truth and experience are valid, real, and worthy.

7) I experience a universal truth with you all, with everyone.

8) I am, without a doubt, a highly-sensitive person. (Yet another learning curve.)

9) I want to be a professional freelance writer. (gulp)

10) I am constantly learning and moving towards a higher goal / higher purpose.

And most of all... I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE!!! From within me and all of you. Love is truly abundant and everywhere. Thank you to everyone who has made this year so amazing, so humbling, easier, sweeter, more comfortable, less comfortable, and more forgiving. I love each and every one of you!