A picture of my anger

I think it was Wednesday last week... two weeks ago now. I've been sitting on this update for a while; not wanting to return to it or even re-read it for typos and what not. Anger is a tough one to write about because it require reflection and it just kind of sends me spinning in a way. 

The day was coming to an end. I was somewhere between restless and getting ready for bed. Alon was preparing "cold therapy machine" for the evening ( Breg Polar Care 300: http://www.breg.com/cold-therapy/polar-care-300.html ). I may have started a little PT or just started the routine of changing into my pj's. A sharp jab of pain through my left shoulder ignited. The waves of emotion and pain can come on so suddenly and so intensely. As I mentioned in a prior post, at least 1-2 times per day, I get teary.

This time was different. Pain preceded anger. I was feeling straight up ANGER, with notes sadness, coursing through me like boiling hot water. The anger was thick with pain. Mentally, I felt as if I was suddenly walking along a delicate precipice where I could plummet from hopeful to hopelessness in the blink of an eye.

I cried so hard and so loud I could barely breathe or recognize anything familiar. In the moment, the feeling reminded me of how hard I have cried when someone I loved has died. It was this incredible experience of anger, hatred, and the loss of control in my life. I could barely catch my breath. Sometimes the tears wouldn't even come; it was so cathartic.

I pounded this poor, defenseless feather pillow on my bed with a gentle fist. Truly gentle. I had this other image of digging through sand on a beach and just flinging the sand high into the air.

Alon walks in, continuing to set up the ice machine. I know he is not ignoring me; I know he is just letting me express my anger and sadness - uninterrupted and unhindered. He finally walks over to me and sits on the bed, looks me in the eyes, his big beautiful brown eyes, and says simply, "It will all be okay. You're doing great." Then he said something funny that made me laugh.

Friday was another one of those days last week... a learning experience between me, my doctor, my doctor's assistant and Alon. Boiled down to advocating for oneself and seeing my Alon step up and advocate for me. He is such a rock. I don't want to get into the details now, but thought I should post this since I've been sitting on it for over a week now. There was a lot of anger, rage in this little episode as well.

And then most recently, this past Thursday... a complete release (trauma response?) during a massage from my friend Bree. Everything was going great. Bree is a wonderful new-ish friend. We were in a good space; chatting; breathing; relaxing; finding those sweet spots that needed attention in my body. She is able to help me work through some fears and insecurities about my body as I know it and more specifically, to the injury as it heals and we explore "the hurt area" more. Then a little massage in a gentle circular motion with her thumbs around my left knee cap. And I just started to shake, cry, and nearly hyperventilate. I was so glad to be in her loving, caring, comforting, capable hands a presence. It was kind of wild. I got so cold so fast and my body remembered more about that day, August 26th at about 3:30pm, than my mind could comprehend. More to talk about and think about later I suppose...

Being "The Client" & Personal Power

A few words to describe how I feel today: 

TIRED.

GRATEFUL.

HEALING.

This week has rather flown by in a busy sort of way. Alon and I met with the Care Manager of Homewatch Care Givers of Boulder County on Monday. We were both really impressed with this agency and the people we spoke with. I have since had three care givers come to my home this week: Suzanna, Pauline and Grace - all very charming in their own ways, helpful and hard working. And friends! Every day! So wonderful!

Scheduling the paid care givers, coupled with friends and coworkers stopping by has really made for a full week. Alon and I are still in the process of finding a balance between what we can do for ourselves and what we need help with and when. Regardless, everyone who has stepped through our door has provided comfort, companionship, entertainment, or help in some way that truly touches our hearts and relieves some stress... we are so grateful. Now all Alon & I need to figure out is how to get more than four hours of sleep per night.

Since taking the step to bring in professional care providers there have been several occasions where, in my mind, I have slipped into this place of "I am the client now". I am the one unable to do a lot of things or having to do things differently or having to ask for an inordinate amount of assistance. Really. And this isn't the moment for your interruptive thoughts to offer me an alternative, optimistic view point or boosting of spirits. These are just the facts. 

This feeling of BEING THE CLIENT happens when I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with a tray in front of me; tray balanced on my lap. With a towel between my plates and the tray so that nothing slides off. One care provider thought of that; brilliant. Food awkwardly scooped to my mouth. Drinking from a bendy straw. Making sure I am propped up enough with a zillion pillows to digest my food properly. Later, pushing myself to raise my voice to get my care provider's attention - to beckon for personal assistance nonetheless - while she cooks or cleans in the other room. This feeling of being a client happens while sitting out on the back patio. A friend follows behind me, carrying pillows and a blanket to make sure I'm comfortable on these small, wooden patio chairs. At least for a little I can change up the scenery (from bedroom or living room) and sit in the sun with the cool September air touching my skin. 

Thankfully, a wonderful friend said to me yesterday, after a long conversation about fear and will power, "Erin, you are of sound mind and you are brave." I just thought I'd interject that here so you don't think I've gone off the deep end or something :-)

Sometimes I reach for my cat, Ozy, who nonchalantly struts past me. Just her tail touches my hand, slipping through my fingers. I long to be her... for that freedom to stroll and strut, go in and out of someone's presence without a second thought as to how I made it there in the first place. 

I remember this exact "cat" behavior from a client I used to serve. He would just barely be able to reach his cat as the cat walked by his chair and had learned to bring her cat toys right up onto his lap so that he could play "fetch" with her. Ozy comes to me for treats. I am the treat master now. What a shock. This kitty of mine has so much freedom and strength and gentleness. I kind of think she is the epitome of balance and happiness. Yes, it's true... we all want to come back as a well-cared for house cat. I melt into the softness of Ozy's fur and the sweet kindness of her little cat body when she hops up and burrows into my lap to deliver her healing cat powers and love :-)

The other piece for me this week has been the sensation of PERSONAL POWER and EMPOWERMENT that can come from learning to ask for help and the actual act of asking for help and working with others to meet my needs (or the needs of Alon, the house, Ozy the cat, etc.). It's subtle... but it's there. Feeling empowered is something I've struggled with quite a bit in my life, for one reason or another. Haven't many of us? Whether it's personal, societal, relationship-based, financial, or whatever! It's been helpful to taste that empowerment in these certain situations... that SILVER LINING... how there is very much a sense of personal power in bringing people together to help one another or myself and even in being "unable to do" some things.

So without fail, this time in my life proves to be a time for PERSONAL GROWTH and HUMILITY. Nothing planned, nothing contrived, nothing forced... totally genuine and real. Complete respect for my body, myself and the people around me. Just as I had started to explain on my first blog post on the morning of August 26th. Just as things as started to roll out in January of this year... a great year of growth... who knew it would involve bone graphs?

Also, 4 weeks today since the accident marks 1/3 of the way to 12 weeks = the day I can walk on all two feet again! Who knows, maybe it will be sooner :-)

Epic day... milestones reached!

1. During physical therapy this morning I managed to do ten unassisted leg lifts with my left leg. First 5 were slow and grueling... I wasn't sure if I could even get to four with a shooting pain going through my knee cap every so often. Docs said to work through the pain, so I am. Second 5 were quick and crazy. It felt kind of unbelievable the relative ease and quickness of the last five. While Alon stood in front of me at the end of the bed, watching, worrying, asking, "Is it time for me to spot you or do you want assistance yet?". I grit my teeth like I was biting down on a leather swatch, scrunched my face up, closed my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks, and replied, "No not yet, honey, thanks." Before each leg lift I tightened my abs and took in breath to my belly, to my solar plexus, and up into my chest. I read about this in "Poser... my life in 23 yoga poses" to really gain strength and focus. It was cool. I'm sure I wasn't doing "it" (whatever it is) perfectly, but it still kind of worked! After all exercises were said and done, I said, "Good job leg, good job body" out loud. I just held and caressed my leg and cried. Alon came over congratulated me and gave me hugs and said something like, "I guess that's what it's like to work out really hard!". I was like, "Um yea, I guess so!". It was all pretty awesome and very fulfilling.

I am so thankful for this body's ability to heal and be strong and triumph over adversity!

2. Talk about inspired... after PT I was like, "Let's go for a walk... no let's go out for breakfast!" I couldn't believe it. Alon piled me into the back seat, with my wheel chair and crutches in the trunk, and we scooted off. I really just felt ready to go out. Like I could handle an hour out on the town. I called ahead to Tangerine (www.tangerineboulder.com) explaining my predicament: that I was either going to be in a wheel chair with my left leg up and out straight or propped up on pillows and a chair. They don't usually take reservations, but they managed to "save" us a booth so I could just swing my leg up there on the bench seat and be comfortable. Alon brought pillows from home (kinda silly but whatever) and helped me get more comfortable. Did I mention how amazing and wonderful Alon is??? Thank you Rose (hostess) and Jackson (General Manager) for being so awesome, checking in with me and wishing me all sorts of healing love. Our server was also super sweet and genuine... didn't get her name though.

I am so thankful for the kindness of strangers. Plug for Tangerine.... www.tangerineboulder.com ... everything on the brunch menu is great, especially the fresh squeezed OJ and multigrain pancakes :)

3. Pain meds are steady at about 3.25mg oxycodone/160mg tylenol every 8 hours or so. Plus an occasional 500mg of additional tylenol or 400mg of ibuprofen. I definitely feel more in my own body and mind now, which is much different than being on 5-15mg of oxy every 6 hours! I've also got symphytum (thanks to Denise), Inflamyar (arnica+herbs) (thanks to Bree), and some other Chinese herbs (thanks to Dale) to promote good circulation, healing, and bone growth!

I am so thankful for a variety of healthy remedies... eastern and western medicine, homeopathic remedies, which all help to facilitate a healthy, balanced system.

4. We had quite a few visitors today after our epic morning. Some of Alon's family: Aunt Lynn and cousins Josh, Jenny and their kids Wiley and Felix all visited today. That was really nice, and they are a great bunch of people. Also, friends Ernie and his partner Bob visited who are also awesome. We shared a lot of stories and just friendly getting-to-know-each-other-better time... as well as oogling over Bob's new iPad and fancy magnetic cover. Tech geeks that we all are :-)

I am so thankful for family and friends!

5. After all that, Miss Erin took about a 3 hour nap! Not that that is a first or unusual these days, but goes to show that I did a lot and needed the rest today. The stars and planets and friends and loved ones were aligned for me today... giving me great strength, resilience, and determination... as well as lots of smiles, gratitude, and feelings of being my normal self.

I am thankful for sleep and rest :-)

Walking the razor's edge of fear, compassion and bravery

With great looking results from new tibia x-rays on Wednesday, optimism and good spirits still prevail in the Dupuis-Katz household!

Mornings or evening can be the toughest. It alternates because pain seemed to be at its worst as the afternoon/evening progressed for the last couple of weeks, but now pain seems to be subsiding overall. 

Yesterday morning and today were especially hard. I woke up just so damn soar and stiff all over, my low back feeling wrenched. I just wanted to jump out of my skin!

I breathed. I cried. I moaned. I breathed into the areas of pain, soreness, stiffness, discomfort... like they teach me in yoga. It kinda helped. I moved the CPM and lay flat on my back in bed. Savasana. 

I got up. I stretched. I lay down. I stretched. Spinal twists. Did PT. Made stuff up. Anything I could think of to relieve myself of these moments of discomfort.

Okay... that helped but I needed more. It had been almost 12 hours since my last medication dose, 7.5mg oxycodone/325mg Tylenol. See!? I'm doing better! So this morning I took 500mg of Tylenol and 5mg of oxycodone and 30 minutes later I was feeling "normal".

I talked to my sister, Bridget, for almost an hour and a half. We laughed and shared stories. She gave me advice and shared memories of her healing after her surgery about 9 years ago. I heard about her poor doggy's flee and dermatitis problems. I lay in bed, finally comfortable. With like four blankets on me (down, fleece, quilt, knit) because I was freezing with my ice pack on my knee for most of the night. Anyways, it all helped me feel BETTER.

Alon made me a beautiful breakfast... he has nearly every day, when someone else isn't here to help. Eggs, toast, tomatoes, cucumbers. Ahh. He is "the best in the west" my sister, Bridget, said. She is right! 

That all said, I cry at least twice a day. A lot of the time it feels like an emotional outpouring to regulate myself in a way. It might be dealing with some post-traumatic stuff, as folks say. It might be brought on by tiredness, inability to get and stay comfortable, or pain and soreness from one of my worst sprained ankles ever. The leg itself only has an occasional sharp shooting pain through the knee cap. I'm stretching the scar tissue on the CPM which is uncomfortable, but temporary. 

Mostly, I think, the teary moments are just from the sheer DESIRE and DETERMINATION to heal; the FEAR and the COMPASSION that are drawn so strongly out of me at times; the accompaniment of the PAIN and STRUGGLE and discovery of new INNER STRENGTH (bravery?) during physical therapy; and truly, the GRATITUDE I have for this body's ability to heal, my medical providers who continue to treat me with the the best of care, and my friends and loved ones, especially Alon, who continue to help me at every turn at all ours of the day and night.

Regarding PT, I am up to about 20 exercises per day I think. I haven't actually counted. I just had my last home PT visit from Deb yesterday. The exercises she has given me just keep adding up and I need to do them until I hit that 12 week mark (November 21st). This includes therapy for my left leg, foot and shoulder, since I fell pretty hard on it too and strength and range of motion have been compromised. In order to stay as strong and balanced as possible, I need to start throwing in exercises for the right side of the body too... sigh, it feels like a lot of work, but I'm going to get it all squared away this weekend I think.

My next step with PT is to make a spreadsheet.... since I miss doing them so much at work! This will allow me to track my daily progress... not have to think too much about what to do next... watch my ups and downs and give myself some recognition when I'm feeling beat or unmotivated. It will be similar to what I had going with my yoga schedule prior to the accident where I started with two classes per week and added a new class or two every three weeks.

Speaking of yoga, it's pretty cool what poses I've adapted to a walker! And what I've made up along the way just to get some good stretching in. Maybe I'll get Alon to take some pictures and post them here soon :-)

The morning today ended with a good dose of sunshine. I sat in the back yard, watching Ozy jump over rocks, hide, and hop through the grass chasing grass hoppers. She's all tired now and fast asleep in her bed next to Alon while he works. Anyways, I sat outside for about an hour, all propped up with a couple chairs and a few pillows, just taking it in. It was warm and good.

AND working on my short term disability paperwork with Gary, our HR Director at BCAP, over the phone. Alon scrambled this morning to pick up and drop off paperwork from the doctor's office to home to BCAP to home again. Let's hope that all goes through smoothly and quickly so I can at least get a portion (about 1/2) of my pay for the next couple of months while I recover at home.

Ooh! My left knee just "cracked" in the CPM! That was weird! Oh well, all is well I guess... that's just a new movement and sensation. Hm. Good I suppose!

E. Dupuis signing out... thanks for checking in again :-) xoxo

No break through pain, Ozy tries CPM

The good news for yesterday is that I had no break through pain during my 6 hours between medication doses! I went about 7 hours without any pain meds. I also took just half a pill at the 7 hour mark. So THAT is AWESOME!

Some more good news is a new friend, former board member at BCAP and volunteer there saw my request for help on Facebook. She has offered to come every Wednesday morning for a couple of hours to take care of me till I am back up on my feet. This type of generosity and help blows me away. Then, Alon and I contemplated how so many nice people lately make us (mostly me) cry. More AWESOMENESS.

This morning the Oz-meister, our kitty, Ozymandius, Ozy for short, alias KITTY... decided she would try out my Constant Passive Movement (CPM) machine while I jaunted off to the bathroom at 6am. When I hobbled back, this is what I found... of course the machine was off, otherwise she would not have been so brave...

1. Curled up like a little ball, like this hunk of medical machinery with a soft faux sheerling liner was made for her... Excuse ME!

2. Getting experimental. Ozy attemps to find a more comfortable position, poking her head through a hole, laying her soft white belly across the fuzzy liner... Success.

3. Close up. Ozy resting her face on the hard plastic base of the CPM. She has SUCH a hard time getting comfortable. Who needs vicodin or valium? I want what she's got!

That's pretty much been my morning so far. Other than excruciating foot pain, which does not seem to want to go away. Deb, my beloved Physical Therapist, should be here soon. We shall discuss the foot then. Love to you all! Thanks for checking out my blog.

Specific Requests for Help (in Boulder, CO)

I am trying to make a schedule of helpers for the next 5-10 weeks while I recover at home. I am requesting a couple hours of help in both the mornings and afternoons. We are taking this one week (really, one day) at a time. I hope to be doing things and walking on my own again by Thanksgiving! Please read on for details... thanks :)

My contact info:
erin.e.dupuis@gmail.com
508-479-4841

Schedule of Help Needed:

• Days: Monday through Friday
• Times: (slightly flexible)
• Morning shift: 10am-1pm
• Afternoon shift: 2pm-5pm 
• Duration: Tuesday, September 13th to Friday, November 18th

Any assistance or amount of time you can offer is helpful. Please be direct with me and Alon by saying what you can and cannot help with at anytime. We respect you, your time and your friendship.

Help at Home:

• breakfast and lunch
• change ice for my leg
• move my equipment from living room to bedroom (ability to lift 10 pounds) - usually in late afternoon
• refill my water bottle
• push me in wheelchair around the block when I feel up to it 
• light house cleaning
• other personal assistance (does not include getting dressed, toileting or bathing)
• keep me company
• laugh together
• ART THERAPY!

Help Outside Home:

• pick up biweekly farm share in Boulder, Thursday, 4-7pm (thru Oct.)
• run errands - examples: picking up ice or a few grocery items - we will give you money ahead of time or reimburse immediately

Asking for help is not an easy thing for us. Thank you so much for hearing and considering our requests. 

With respect, love and thanks,

Erin & Alon

Pictures: Hours 2 through 14 after my injury... don't look if you're squeamish!

Here are some images and x-rays, courtesy of Alon, from the Emergency Room and my Recovery Room at Boulder Community Hospital. 

DO NOT LOOK (at the first image) if you are easily made to feel sick, faint, or disgusted.

1. Here's my anatomically incorrect leg about 2 hours after the injury. I can hardly look at this. It's hard to see your physical body disfigured like this. Disclaimer: I know others have had it worse, and I certainly could have. But this is my story and it is all relative, and all I wanted to know the moment I hurt myself was that I didn't have any bone sticking OUT of my flesh. Fortunately, I did not. Below, I had just come out x-rays (then they ordered CT scan, which is when I started to go into shock). It took about 1 1/2 hours of administering various pain medications to get my pain from a 10 to about an 8 where I could turn over from the fetal position to my back and slightly straighten my leg in order to take the x-rays. The x-ray technicians, Mary & Paul, were outstanding, compassionate, helpful, and patient. I remember their names because I told them they were just missing "Peter".

2. Alon took this image to send back to my parents in Massachusetts... I look pretty terrible. My poor parents, just beside themselves with fear and frustration. But I was in really good hands at BCH and with Alon by my side. I don't know if this picture provided comfort for my parents to see me alive and drugged and in a hospital bed, but it's all they could get at the time. This was also pre-op, post x-ray. I believe I had just called them within the past 15 minutes or so with results from the x-rays, almost 2 hours after my injury. I can't believe I waited that long, but I sort of had to. I consciously did not make an earlier call because I had no information and was in too much pain to have a "conversation". I remember calling my Dad and saying, "Dad, I have bad news. I broke my knee." He said "Hold on," and put my Mom on the phone. I added a few more details and handed the phone to Alon. I could barely talk; I was losing my voice, shivering and going into shock, still in tremendous pain. I believe my sweet Alon was the best person to be with me during this difficult time, even though he didn't think he did such a great job. My family and I agree, ALON WAS AWESOME (not that he had anything to prove). Can you believe with me looking like this BCH almost had to put surgery off till the morning? I flipped out on the ER Physician Assistant, momentarily. Fortunately, the hard-working medical professionals and doctors at BCH put a specialist team together in about an hour and changed their minds... had me in surgery after about 30 minutes of seeing the x-ray and CT scan results.

3. Here we go... a more pain-free, fixed up, bionic Erin. This is probably around 7am on August 27th, about 8 hours after surgery was completed. I don't remember much other than I was glad that the pain was less and I had a wonderful night nurse, Bonnie, who was as fit as a body-builder and as sweet and calm as an angel. I remember some weird, random stuff from those first 14 hours. Like the anesthesiologist... for whatever reason I was giggling at him (under the influence of a ton of pain meds) with his curly brown hair popping out under a surgeon's cap, and thick black framed glasses.... telling him he looked like a cartoon! He never cracked a smile... he just put the gas mask over my mouth and off I went. At least I was making myself laugh.

4. First-person view of my leg in the CPM (Constant Passive Movement) machine from the hospital bed on the morning after surgery. This is pretty much the same set up and rig I have at home where I spend about 20 hours of my day.... moving every so slowly from 0-40 degrees. The purpose is to decrease the amount of scar tissue build up and maintain some range of motion while the bones and ligaments heal. Most folks with torn ACL and meniscus can add 5-10 degrees of movement with the CPM on a daily basis. Due to the severity of my injuries, Dr. Fulkerson ordered nothing above 40 degrees for several weeks. Aren't I special? I could work up to 50 degrees after a month or so when I feel able to do so. So far I toggle between 35-40 degrees depending on how tight my knee feels. It is subtle movement, but a significant and wonderful medical invention!

5. Below are a few of the best x-rays taken of my leg after the operation. I hope you can see them okay. Some are just kind of confusing, but interesting nonetheless. Alon and I got to see the top two at my follow up with Dr. Dolbear at Boulder Orthopedic (a very nice office, by the way) on Wednesday September 7th. They show a plate along the right side of the tibia (as you look at the photo) with screws going into the plateau and then down along the length of tibia to hold the plate in place. I think the plate kind of hooks at the top and there are about 6 screws that I can see. There was also a small medial fracture along the top of the fibula which was just reset and left to heal (an easy one they say). Alon snapped the photos of the other two x-rays in the operating waiting room when Dr. Fulkerson came out after completing my surgery. Word has it my tibia was crushed to mere fragments by about 1 1/2-2 inches! Then piled up and "glued" (bone graphed) back together with cadaver bone. In the top photos, you can see some of the metal staples trailing along the right side of the image, which neatly sealed up the incision along the outer side of my left knee. Based on the look of leg now, there also was some laproscopic surgery done through the inner side of my leg near the knee, for whatever reason. More to learn there when I see Dr. Fulkerson on Sept 22. This unique metal sculpture is a permanent structure meant to reinforce my severely crushed, fractured bones which will heal beautifully to 100% of "normal". Yes you heard me, 100%. Thank you, Dr. Fulkerson and the OR team.