My body is my temple

Quite a few people have asked me lately, "has this injury been a spiritual experience for you?" It's a really difficult question to answer. I think I can see where people are coming from though: has my experience affected me in some profound way? What is meant by "spirituality" anyways? I think it has changed almost constantly throughout my lifetime. In a good way. In a way that allows me to learn something new, see things in a new way, and not get stuck in a specific dogma that excludes all others. 

While blogging, I've shared with you the glimpses and glimmers of spirituality as it is often woven throughout my experience (and all of ours, if that's how we chose to see the world).

Today, while silently thinking about people's inquiry around spirituality and developing my own... I thought, "what is my spirituality to me right now?" At times I have been more focused on the intellectualizing of spirituality and religion, more devoted to my meditation practice, and more open and aware of the spiritual teachings of others. 

For the past 6 months I have been so enveloped by my recovery, physical training, emotional well-being, and relationships with my loved ones that my focus on spirituality has in a sense become less, I thought. When in fact I don't think it's become less. I think it has shifted even more from an external experience to an internal one. 

During this time I have never been so dedicated to my self. At the same time, my gratitude has never felt more abundant. I have never had to open myself up so much to receiving help and love from others. I have never been faced so directly with the challenge of self-acceptance and harnessing will power to overcome great personal adversity.

So anyways, as I sat kind of glazed over on a stationary bike at the gym staring out into a bright, sunshiney day I asked myself about spirituality - have I drifted away from it? What has changed for me? What is my spirituality now? 

An answer billowed inside of me:

"My body is my temple." 

Yes! This made perfect sense to me! To me, it meant that all the while this divine presence, the spiritual teachings I sought or thought that I might be missing were always within me and within my own experience as a physical being of this earth. This is great, I thought! Keep going! Ride this wave.

I didn't just hear the words my body is a temple or hear someone nearby say it (cuz lets face it, it's not the most original phrase, especially here in the yogi capital of the world: Boulder). I really felt my body as a sacred temple - as a place to experience my "awakening" of sorts. This body of mine is a place to cherish, to nourish, to take care of, to believe in, to accept, to love, to protect, to give of freely, and to be amazed by! 

Deep in my bones and in my muscles with each revolution on the bicycle the words echoed in my mind and resounded in my heart. It was reaffirming to know and deeply feel that my dedication to myself is not fleeting and it is so important. This is a forever commitment to myself. Who knew I would be woken up in this way by this injury and recovery process? 

This body of mine, this thing so easily taken for granted, so under appreciated at times, so neglected in the past... is not only what takes me on my spiritual path but it IS my path toward awakening, toward understanding, toward gratitude, and toward cultivating more love and acceptance of myself and in turn, of others.

Surgeon's Update

I had my last official post-op appointment with Dr. Fulkerson on Friday, January 27th. She said my next appointment would be in six months! The short of it is that I cannot stop working as hard as I have been in rehab, that I should not leave physical therapy too early or else I risk compromising my progress, and that I am still expected to make a 100% come back (within two years of the date of the injury: August 26, 2011).

I need to push harder on my own knee to force the bending to happen. Doc suggested I do this by attempting to sit back on my heels while seated. This is not fun and does cause pain due to stiffness (scar tissue). I can see it's going to take quite a bit of time, concentration, and effort on my part. 

Dr. Fulkerson "tested" my ACL (using her hands and some maneuvering of my knee) and determined that it too feels stable. The attachment point where the ACL is affixed to the bone broke off during the accident. It apparently reattached and regrew in a very satisfactory way! We do not foresee a surgery for ACL repair. Thank goodness!

Come August 2012 we expect that I will be physically ready (far enough along in rehab) to have the hardware removed. Good bye steel plate and screws. If it were to remain in for longer, that would technically not impede my recovery. It would still be very nice not to have that bulging plate on my shin!

5 Month Update

Physical Therapy:

• Roughly 3 more months of PT - next week I will be winding down from 2 x per week (for the next 2 weeks) to 1 x per week (weeks 3-6) to once every other week (weeks 7-12).
• Range of motion is 131 degrees on my own
• Hamstring strength is very good
• Quad strength is getting better, still needs work

Body's Condition:

• Hips and knees seem better aligned (evident during squats)
• Gait is improving, limp is almost unnoticeable at times 
• SI joint displacement leading to joint pain and sciatic nerve pain down right leg / off and on for last couple of weeks - becoming less frequent.
• Very tight psoas and hip flexors
• Increasing ab strengthening exercises to hopefully minimize the low back and hip pains  
• Weekly myofascial release (focusing left knee region) and massage therapy (Thai/full body)
• No pain relievers (Tylenol/Ibuprofen) for knee related pain in about 2 weeks!

Personal Update: 

For all intents and purposes, I have permanently reduced my work week hours to 32. After trying to hit 40 per week after the new year it proved to be too much. My overall health and rehabilitation were suffering. After reaching the decision on Monday and getting it formalized and approved on Tuesday, today I felt like a renewed person. I am very much looking forward to the reduced hours - after a lot of battling with myself, disappointment, and purposeful realigning of my goals to be more realistic, more achievable, and less devastating. 

The inquiry I find myself in more and more goes something like:

"What decisions can I make in each moment, every day, and over my lifetime to deeply feel as much health and happiness as possible?". 

The intention I wrote out this morning on the community "2012 intentions board" in my kitchen was:

I will do everything in my power to bring more personal awareness to and to achieve my optimal physical, mental, emotional, relationship, and spiritual health.

This is where I am at now. I am really starting to open up to some new awareness, to shed some old beliefs and perceptions, and to tap into the richness this experience has brought me. It feels really good and wholesome, very freeing. 

Surgeon's update to come ... next follow up appointment is this Friday, 1/27/12!

Things are shifting

I had one of those days last weekend where I woke up with a great burst of energy and determination. I was not stiff or sore. No need to take any pain relievers (actually, as of today 1/18 - I went 6 days without any tylenol or ibuprofen; and took maybe 2000mg total over a 10 day period. AWESOME!). 

I set off for a one hour, intense work out at the YMCA at 8am. It felt fantastic and hard. Then it all changed. It felt like I had spun around 100 times, ran 10 miles, and was carrying a 60-pound pack through a thick, dark, musty swamp. My stamina was shot! Despite my long list of to-do items thoughtfully written out the night before including working from home, all my determination to be productive was gone and nothing got done except the essential which was walking to the bathroom or kitchen, grocery shopping and making a dish for our first Highland House pot luck dinner. 

My body and mind have not spoken this clearly and loudly in a long time... "STOP AND REST!". I had no choice but to surrender.

Sunday night our first week at the Highland House was capped with a delicious pot luck dinner and house meeting. 

I've noticed that my stomach has been sensitive to foods lately, even citrus in the morning. This tells me that I have some emotional build up. I've definitely had "emotional seeping"... where tears or a dip in mood come suddenly and unexpectedly in various situations. It's not great. I should probably create a container for some emotional release. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform my 40 hour work week, be present with clients and staff, friends and family and housemates. But I'm fading fast... 

I woke up tearful and exhausted beyond comprehension, crawling through the day at a snail's pace. Yet, not even thinking to take pain medication; I just didn't need it. Alon watched me struggle in the morning and gently held me and encouraged me to go to work. I acknowledged my feelings of wanting to stay in bed, feeling the weight of depression and fatigue come over me like a tsunami. I was almost breathless. With his encouragement, I carried on and was able to show up for my staff and my clients in a fairly low capacity but still present. I was glad for that but I still ask myself if it was the right choice. 

Next day... I feel like maybe my stride is picking up a bit. I had wonderful one hour massage this afternoon with Bree, which my leg and body were so hungry for. I feel much stronger in my morning routine, meaning when I get up out of bed I don't have to lean on the wall for a few minutes to stretch my leg or shake off the stiffness or gain strength. I can just get up and go (with a little limp). The pain and stiffness are just that much less. It's great! Lots of people are commenting on how much better I am walking during the day, so that's really nice to hear/see.

Little thing... A pillow between my legs while sleeping is still comforting, though I've realized not as essential. I still toss and turn a lot. I can lay on my back more comfortably allowing my left leg to relax (sometimes). That said, there is a new-ish pain and discomfort, a tightness perhaps, in my knee when I try to straighten my leg. More PT, more extension, more time will help it along.

Patience and not being hard on myself are by far the most difficult challenges right now. It was a lot easier to give myself a break when I was laid up at home for two and half months. After Christmas I was really hoping to resume a 40 hour work week, still attending to two-two hour PT appointments per week and other daily work outs at the gym. I'm realizing I just can't cut it... I feel like I'm letting myself down and others... though I was fairly reassured today by coworkers that I'm still doing a good job and working hard. My stamina and motivation at work are definitely suffering.
Cliches come to mind... We are our own worst enemy (and critic). If I don't have my health, I have nothing - it's true. I must take time again to really focus on the path that supports me in being the happiest, healthiest, and best person I can be right now. I'm struggling a bit with it, but I know I am where I am supposed to be, and all will work out.


Much love to all of you have been with me and supporting me during this crazy Rite of Passage! I love you all. Knowing your love and support are out there brings me up and gives me clarity in the really difficult times. Thank you!

Physical Therapy Highlights!

Today was a fantastic day at physical therapy! Flexion was measured at 135 degrees with the unwavering assistance from my physical therapist, April. I made it to this position not once, but twice. It was awesome! Of note, I can be released from physical therapy once I am able to bend to 135 degrees on my own.

Last week we made some of my exercises more difficult. The most challenging is the one-legged, side-lying squat with a squishy balancing disc placed under my left heel (for pushing off of). Two sets of 5. It was remarkably easier to get started and keep the momentum this week, though still teeth-clenching and bursts of vocalization to make it through each repetition. Some day I will be where this girl is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tME4WKWr5d8. The next hardest would be the "monster walk". Imagine taking a thera-band (silver - maximum resistance), tied around your ankles, held taught at about should width apart, bending into a partial squat and stepping side ways. Going quite slowly to keep control of movement of both legs, and remaining in a squat. Each leg, inside and out, gets a total work out, not to mention the glutes, hamstrings, and calves. I did three laps across the gym floor (about 25 feet in one direction). And my legs and butt were on fire! Here's a muscly guy doing a wimpy version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CGNwL5xSd0.

The Darker Side of Me

Self-pity

Rehab is lonely

Being injured, different, damaged is lonely

My body doesn't work right

My body doesn't trust itself

My ankle is so swollen I can't see the bony parts

My knee looks deformed where the bone was crushed and reconstructed

I can't explain what this feels like, nobody knows it but me

I can't bend my leg into the "butterfly" stretch

I can't straighten my leg completely

It takes a really long time just to gain a few millimeters of extension when stretching

My foot is pronating in a new, weird way

I don't want to take another step

I have so much to do and I have to pace myself, I can't do it all right now

I'm done for today

I get to start again tomorrow, I'll be stronger then

What should I do for self care?
Refresh

Weekly Rewind (week 15+)

The update that just wouldn't end...

I feel like I can not top my post from December 2nd with all that excitement about walking. Since then, it's been a little hellish with good moments in between, no doubt. I've finally come around to posting an update after getting over sleep deprivation and feelings of depression:

Saturday 12/3

- woke up, headachy and sore, and took a hot aromatherapy Epsom salt bath

- walked around without crutches in the morning - snow and ice just beginning to melt, clutching Alon's arm tightly, as I stepped purposefully from house to car, car to Centro (for breakfast with friends, Jesse & Dan who were visiting from Germany!), Centro to home (where I CRASHED OUT, watched movies, read book, took bath), no pain while walking - what freedom!

- night time sleep ended abruptly and too soon, from 3am-6am, lots of deep soreness in my entire leg and also shoulders for some reason; valium/tylenol/ice/heat/pain relieving creams did not touch it.

Sunday 12/4

- woke up not too sore, but not well rested either - another sleepless night with pain and soreness like no other prevailing. I guess my muscles were doing overtime!

- we still walked around (no crutches) just to the Trident (for tea and hanging out) and actually it seemed to help me feel better.

- but I continued to feel the pains of my perseverance, as a full-body soreness began to creep up on me from my toes to my mid back in the early evening

- another morning's sleep wasted, up at 4am, wide awake and hurting. this was really starting to bum me out.

Monday 12/5

- fatigued, groggy and feeling depressed, I made it to work at 9am with the light at the end of the tunnel being my appointment with Dr. Fulkerson at 2:15, and then I would call it a day.

- doc confirmed strong progress and my next appointment will be at the end of January (yahoo!)

- Dr. Fulkerson wants to do an MRI sometime in the next 6 months to check my ACL (does it need sugery?).

- hardware (plate and six screws: which I plan to make into some behemoth jewelry!) will come out sometime around August 2012 and may be coupled with ACL surgery if deemed necessary - healing time would be 2 to 8 weeks depending on what gets done (plus more rehab if ACL is operated on).

- amidst all of this, Alon and I went to check out a new housing opportunity which would cut our living expenses in half! It's a community house, in a huge mansion (that's like saying a mansion mansion, which it was) in the historical district of downtown Boulder. We were quite impressed and will await an interview with all SIX housemates this coming Sunday.

- Monday evening I cried myself to sleep, just tired and sore beyond relief, with the help of Tylenol PM (at the recommendation of Dr. Fulkerson)

Tuesday 12/6

- woke up at 5am... at least it wasn't 3am! grudged along to work, groggy and foggy and hurting. I didn't hide it very well. I was back to using one crutch most of the day in hopes that it would provide relief. 

- I hadn't been to the gym since my PT appointment on Friday - I couldn't decide if that was okay or not. April (physical therapist) assured me that it was and walking again was going to be just as hard as I my experience was dictating, and to rest and recover and take it easy on myself! PT was low key that day. I could barely keep it together walking down the hall to PT. I remember saying "It's hard to tell myself 'It's okay, the day is going to be okay', when I am clearly not feeling okay and the day sucks hard! 

- I can't imagine the perseverance and strength my Mom had, for instance, when two years ago, every 3 weeks for several months, she just kept feeling shittier and shittier, chemo treatment and treatment - YET - you just know that whatever tough shit you're going through is part of the healing process. Her doctors told her "Give me a year and I'll give you your life back". That is an awesome phrase for anyone to hear who is going through an injury or illness that does have a light at the end of the tunnel. That's what I try to remind myself of during my darkest of moments (along side letting myself just have my dark moments). I am coming back to life, it's just difficult, that's all AND I am so fortunate and blessed in so many ways, so "SUCK IT UP, ERIN!".

Wednesday 12/7

- slept til 6am, wandered through the day, meeting after meeting, showing up, and getting maybe 3 things done on my to-do list. Produced a couple smiles, laughs, and went home - exhausted.

Thursday 12/8

- regaining my mental acuity, I started the day at work by participating in my 3rd phone conference of the week. I think I may have said one intelligent statement that was well articulated, asked one dumb question, and carried on with my day... some insane heel pain is whooping up, not sure what to make of it exactly.

- I worked out a 32 hour per week schedule with my supervisor earlier in the week - who has been SO supportive and flexible while I try to navigate recovery + work + maintaining my sanity. So, once again, my work day ended around 3:30pm which is REALLY NICE. Went home, biked 20 minutes at the gym to loosen up my knee and later on crashed out with my friend - you guessed it - Tylenol PM.

Friday 12/9

-  did I mention the INSANE HEEL PAIN?!!? I looked it up: The heel has a fatty cushion called the calcaneal fat pad that when not used (or injured, say from running too much) will deteriorate causing pain to the heel bone like a deep bruise with added sharp, crippling pains. Thin bone spur or plantar fasciitis (now I can relate to those people too!!) With increased use of my foot (i.e. walking) the fat pad will naturally build back up and the pain should subside. It's a balance between use and rest, ibuprofen and ice, and perhaps purchasing new kicks and a gel heel insert.

- PT was really good today (once the drugs kicked in)... we added new exercises to the routine - including harder squats, extension, and a cool exercise on the Pilates Reformers - and I just felt REALLY GOOD and STRONG and HAPPY! Everything glowed, even me.

- Alon and I ate dinner at home - a little something I whipped up in the microwave. Then I took us out for what was just supposed to be apple pie, but ended up being another full meal at Riffs (go to this restaurant - it's new in Boulder - and EXCELLENT in all ways!)

On the Pilates Reformer. Spring loaded tension as I do a half squat and slide my leg out. 2 sets of 10, also in reverse position.

Saturday 12/10

-  CHILLED. Bought travel size foam roller and new running shoes (after trying on at least 20 pairs in the last 2 weekends - found a pair that was comfortable!) :)

Highly recommended!

Sunday 12/11

- Finally went to the gym again and then, CHILLED.

- Alon and I also attended the interview as housemates at the Highland House which went really well. Seems like a cohesive, mature, good-natured, honest group of people to live with... we will see... and we will let the feeling sit for a couple days. Probably find out Tuesday what their final decision is.

Monday 12/12

- Worked til 4. Sat with Alon at Atlas Purveyors for an hour afterward enjoying a delicious home-brewed Rooibos chai and brought a black coffee to our famous Vincent, the street corner vendor (at 16th & Pearl) of The Denver Voice.

- Made a nice dinner of baked salmon with an organic locally-made apricot-jalapeno jam (bought at this summer's Peach Festival in Lafeyette with my Mom), coupled with spaghetti squash, and garlic-ginger sauteed greens.

- Got psyched up with Alon to go to the gym for an hour an a half at 8pm. Did my whole PT routine, dropping the biking portion down from 20 to 15 minutes (to avoid knee pains), and felt really good about it.

Tuesday 12/13

- Busy day of work with back to back meetings. 

- 20 minute coffee break with my friend Mary at Trident.

- Then a hearty PT session where we introduced 5 minutes of stair stepping (which almost killed me) and two variations of squats on the total gym where I used my left leg only (almost impossible), a modification on the wall slide squat where we tried to get 75% use out of my left leg and 25% out of my right, and two additional squats - one free standing bilateral functional squat and the other one standing on just my left leg using TRX straps. There is an undeniable learning curve here for my neuromuscular pathways, but at least I feel physically and mentally strong enough to try them now. Major progress and more to come!

- Alon and I got accepted as the new housemates at the Highland House. We are very excited! We'll be moving around January 5th (hiring movers, no doubt!). The cost savings is immense and the environment will be really cool and beautiful and wholesome (not cultish or sketchy, don't worry!).

Ta Da! That's it for now. Who actually read all this without falling asleep? Maybe just Mom and Dad and Mary... that's okay... love you guys :)