A picture of my anger

I think it was Wednesday last week... two weeks ago now. I've been sitting on this update for a while; not wanting to return to it or even re-read it for typos and what not. Anger is a tough one to write about because it require reflection and it just kind of sends me spinning in a way. 

The day was coming to an end. I was somewhere between restless and getting ready for bed. Alon was preparing "cold therapy machine" for the evening ( Breg Polar Care 300: http://www.breg.com/cold-therapy/polar-care-300.html ). I may have started a little PT or just started the routine of changing into my pj's. A sharp jab of pain through my left shoulder ignited. The waves of emotion and pain can come on so suddenly and so intensely. As I mentioned in a prior post, at least 1-2 times per day, I get teary.

This time was different. Pain preceded anger. I was feeling straight up ANGER, with notes sadness, coursing through me like boiling hot water. The anger was thick with pain. Mentally, I felt as if I was suddenly walking along a delicate precipice where I could plummet from hopeful to hopelessness in the blink of an eye.

I cried so hard and so loud I could barely breathe or recognize anything familiar. In the moment, the feeling reminded me of how hard I have cried when someone I loved has died. It was this incredible experience of anger, hatred, and the loss of control in my life. I could barely catch my breath. Sometimes the tears wouldn't even come; it was so cathartic.

I pounded this poor, defenseless feather pillow on my bed with a gentle fist. Truly gentle. I had this other image of digging through sand on a beach and just flinging the sand high into the air.

Alon walks in, continuing to set up the ice machine. I know he is not ignoring me; I know he is just letting me express my anger and sadness - uninterrupted and unhindered. He finally walks over to me and sits on the bed, looks me in the eyes, his big beautiful brown eyes, and says simply, "It will all be okay. You're doing great." Then he said something funny that made me laugh.

Friday was another one of those days last week... a learning experience between me, my doctor, my doctor's assistant and Alon. Boiled down to advocating for oneself and seeing my Alon step up and advocate for me. He is such a rock. I don't want to get into the details now, but thought I should post this since I've been sitting on it for over a week now. There was a lot of anger, rage in this little episode as well.

And then most recently, this past Thursday... a complete release (trauma response?) during a massage from my friend Bree. Everything was going great. Bree is a wonderful new-ish friend. We were in a good space; chatting; breathing; relaxing; finding those sweet spots that needed attention in my body. She is able to help me work through some fears and insecurities about my body as I know it and more specifically, to the injury as it heals and we explore "the hurt area" more. Then a little massage in a gentle circular motion with her thumbs around my left knee cap. And I just started to shake, cry, and nearly hyperventilate. I was so glad to be in her loving, caring, comforting, capable hands a presence. It was kind of wild. I got so cold so fast and my body remembered more about that day, August 26th at about 3:30pm, than my mind could comprehend. More to talk about and think about later I suppose...