A major theme in my life right now is SHIFTING. It's gorgeous. It's big and bold and exciting. Here's an example:
I am still going to physical therapy every other week with a focus on
Pilates which I feel serves me very well at this time. Today I was on the reformer. We increased resistance A LOT. I told Lori I wanted to focus on building quad strength. I warmed up and then jumped into some hard lower body stuff. She guides me through the routine; different every time. It's priceless training, rehab or otherwise. I was doing bilateral leg
exercises, then one legged exercises on each side. Believe it or not, my
right leg fatigues and hurts so much faster than the left one, which still
has much less muscle. This all makes sense as one understands more
about muscle fiber recruitment. My right leg knows and remembers how to recruit all
the muscle fibers to do the work (it was never atrophied or traumatized) while my left one is still re-learning
that, after being severely atrophied and injured. It's really quite
incredible to witness, especially with such a large, important muscle
like the quad and glutes.
I've plateaued, actually quite a while I go I
plateaued in my exercise routines. But in a way that was okay because the seasons were changing and I knew I'd be outside more, trying new things (hiking, biking more, rafting!). Now I feel ready to move beyond the plateau, in the arena of the gym workouts. I'm at a new level
where I have the mechanics and muscle (and confidence) to do all the exercises I want
to, and I'm able to increase the weight or resistance and push myself
much harder than ever before. Today we bumped up the resistance A LOT on
the Pilates reformer. Where I could do only 5 reps and then I was done. Done
done. Like completely fatigued. Like a body-builder might do. It was
very uplifting, fun, and newly motivating to do this kind of work at this
point in my rehab.
Throughout, my physical therapist and Pilates Instructor, Lori,
kept reminding me to talk out loud to my left quad (or in my mind):
instructing it to recruit more muscle; to work harder; to fire; to TRUST and
BELIEVE (like the little engine that could). Recruit more muscle. Come on! At one point I practically yelled at my leg under my breath. Gritting my teeth with utmost determination. I want to be stronger SO badly. I
could feel the difference - at first it felt like I was just going
through the motions, easy and not tiring. Then, I started talking to it
and challenging my leg with new weight and motion. And the therapist started
tapping my quad with her finger tips as I was doing the exercises and the left quad started
twitching! Like never before. It was actually getting tired!
Without a
thought, I burst into tears today (of joy, of amazement!) when my left
quad finally started twitching; activating new
muscle fibers, recruiting more muscle. Getting tired! I was so sick of my right leg always getting tired and my left one was like, "eh, I don't care. This is good enough." It wasn't good enough! It's not! This experience today, like the first
time I ran on the treadmill back in the
Spring, was a PEAK experience (thank you, Alon, for reflecting that back to me - I didn't realize it at the time). I wanted to shout from the rooftop! I
felt fully charged and alive in
the moment! I felt completely amazing. Overtaken by beautiful emotion and my
body's feedback. From joy and pride
to struggle and frustration. It was all wrapped up in there. There was
not enough space in the room to
hold or express my full experience. It felt like I could lift a car of
the ground if I had to. Yes! It was like that! This huge, amazing YES!! What mind-blowing energy to harness and behold!
Wouldn't it be even more amazing if I could control that energy, instead
of it controlling me? That's another topic to be explored further,
later. I could not keep a lid on it!
And Lori welcomed it all. Encouraged me
to BREATH into it... to integrate. The somatic, neurological, and emotional
integration that is still happening a year later - in moments like these
- along with physical gains - completely astounds me. Blows me away. I am so grateful for those moments. I feel like I am
experiencing life on this much grander scale, much more fully. I am aware of a much greater potential. It feel so cool! I am so grateful for my
progress, to witness my truest self in moments of joy and frustration,
and for my physical therapists (as well as my massage therapists - that's another story) who push me to new levels and show me the
gateway to infinite potential, peace, excitement, joy!
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