The Darker Side of Me

Self-pity

Rehab is lonely

Being injured, different, damaged is lonely

My body doesn't work right

My body doesn't trust itself

My ankle is so swollen I can't see the bony parts

My knee looks deformed where the bone was crushed and reconstructed

I can't explain what this feels like, nobody knows it but me

I can't bend my leg into the "butterfly" stretch

I can't straighten my leg completely

It takes a really long time just to gain a few millimeters of extension when stretching

My foot is pronating in a new, weird way

I don't want to take another step

I have so much to do and I have to pace myself, I can't do it all right now

I'm done for today

I get to start again tomorrow, I'll be stronger then

What should I do for self care?
Refresh

Weekly Rewind (week 15+)

The update that just wouldn't end...

I feel like I can not top my post from December 2nd with all that excitement about walking. Since then, it's been a little hellish with good moments in between, no doubt. I've finally come around to posting an update after getting over sleep deprivation and feelings of depression:

Saturday 12/3

- woke up, headachy and sore, and took a hot aromatherapy Epsom salt bath

- walked around without crutches in the morning - snow and ice just beginning to melt, clutching Alon's arm tightly, as I stepped purposefully from house to car, car to Centro (for breakfast with friends, Jesse & Dan who were visiting from Germany!), Centro to home (where I CRASHED OUT, watched movies, read book, took bath), no pain while walking - what freedom!

- night time sleep ended abruptly and too soon, from 3am-6am, lots of deep soreness in my entire leg and also shoulders for some reason; valium/tylenol/ice/heat/pain relieving creams did not touch it.

Sunday 12/4

- woke up not too sore, but not well rested either - another sleepless night with pain and soreness like no other prevailing. I guess my muscles were doing overtime!

- we still walked around (no crutches) just to the Trident (for tea and hanging out) and actually it seemed to help me feel better.

- but I continued to feel the pains of my perseverance, as a full-body soreness began to creep up on me from my toes to my mid back in the early evening

- another morning's sleep wasted, up at 4am, wide awake and hurting. this was really starting to bum me out.

Monday 12/5

- fatigued, groggy and feeling depressed, I made it to work at 9am with the light at the end of the tunnel being my appointment with Dr. Fulkerson at 2:15, and then I would call it a day.

- doc confirmed strong progress and my next appointment will be at the end of January (yahoo!)

- Dr. Fulkerson wants to do an MRI sometime in the next 6 months to check my ACL (does it need sugery?).

- hardware (plate and six screws: which I plan to make into some behemoth jewelry!) will come out sometime around August 2012 and may be coupled with ACL surgery if deemed necessary - healing time would be 2 to 8 weeks depending on what gets done (plus more rehab if ACL is operated on).

- amidst all of this, Alon and I went to check out a new housing opportunity which would cut our living expenses in half! It's a community house, in a huge mansion (that's like saying a mansion mansion, which it was) in the historical district of downtown Boulder. We were quite impressed and will await an interview with all SIX housemates this coming Sunday.

- Monday evening I cried myself to sleep, just tired and sore beyond relief, with the help of Tylenol PM (at the recommendation of Dr. Fulkerson)

Tuesday 12/6

- woke up at 5am... at least it wasn't 3am! grudged along to work, groggy and foggy and hurting. I didn't hide it very well. I was back to using one crutch most of the day in hopes that it would provide relief. 

- I hadn't been to the gym since my PT appointment on Friday - I couldn't decide if that was okay or not. April (physical therapist) assured me that it was and walking again was going to be just as hard as I my experience was dictating, and to rest and recover and take it easy on myself! PT was low key that day. I could barely keep it together walking down the hall to PT. I remember saying "It's hard to tell myself 'It's okay, the day is going to be okay', when I am clearly not feeling okay and the day sucks hard! 

- I can't imagine the perseverance and strength my Mom had, for instance, when two years ago, every 3 weeks for several months, she just kept feeling shittier and shittier, chemo treatment and treatment - YET - you just know that whatever tough shit you're going through is part of the healing process. Her doctors told her "Give me a year and I'll give you your life back". That is an awesome phrase for anyone to hear who is going through an injury or illness that does have a light at the end of the tunnel. That's what I try to remind myself of during my darkest of moments (along side letting myself just have my dark moments). I am coming back to life, it's just difficult, that's all AND I am so fortunate and blessed in so many ways, so "SUCK IT UP, ERIN!".

Wednesday 12/7

- slept til 6am, wandered through the day, meeting after meeting, showing up, and getting maybe 3 things done on my to-do list. Produced a couple smiles, laughs, and went home - exhausted.

Thursday 12/8

- regaining my mental acuity, I started the day at work by participating in my 3rd phone conference of the week. I think I may have said one intelligent statement that was well articulated, asked one dumb question, and carried on with my day... some insane heel pain is whooping up, not sure what to make of it exactly.

- I worked out a 32 hour per week schedule with my supervisor earlier in the week - who has been SO supportive and flexible while I try to navigate recovery + work + maintaining my sanity. So, once again, my work day ended around 3:30pm which is REALLY NICE. Went home, biked 20 minutes at the gym to loosen up my knee and later on crashed out with my friend - you guessed it - Tylenol PM.

Friday 12/9

-  did I mention the INSANE HEEL PAIN?!!? I looked it up: The heel has a fatty cushion called the calcaneal fat pad that when not used (or injured, say from running too much) will deteriorate causing pain to the heel bone like a deep bruise with added sharp, crippling pains. Thin bone spur or plantar fasciitis (now I can relate to those people too!!) With increased use of my foot (i.e. walking) the fat pad will naturally build back up and the pain should subside. It's a balance between use and rest, ibuprofen and ice, and perhaps purchasing new kicks and a gel heel insert.

- PT was really good today (once the drugs kicked in)... we added new exercises to the routine - including harder squats, extension, and a cool exercise on the Pilates Reformers - and I just felt REALLY GOOD and STRONG and HAPPY! Everything glowed, even me.

- Alon and I ate dinner at home - a little something I whipped up in the microwave. Then I took us out for what was just supposed to be apple pie, but ended up being another full meal at Riffs (go to this restaurant - it's new in Boulder - and EXCELLENT in all ways!)

On the Pilates Reformer. Spring loaded tension as I do a half squat and slide my leg out. 2 sets of 10, also in reverse position.

Saturday 12/10

-  CHILLED. Bought travel size foam roller and new running shoes (after trying on at least 20 pairs in the last 2 weekends - found a pair that was comfortable!) :)

Highly recommended!

Sunday 12/11

- Finally went to the gym again and then, CHILLED.

- Alon and I also attended the interview as housemates at the Highland House which went really well. Seems like a cohesive, mature, good-natured, honest group of people to live with... we will see... and we will let the feeling sit for a couple days. Probably find out Tuesday what their final decision is.

Monday 12/12

- Worked til 4. Sat with Alon at Atlas Purveyors for an hour afterward enjoying a delicious home-brewed Rooibos chai and brought a black coffee to our famous Vincent, the street corner vendor (at 16th & Pearl) of The Denver Voice.

- Made a nice dinner of baked salmon with an organic locally-made apricot-jalapeno jam (bought at this summer's Peach Festival in Lafeyette with my Mom), coupled with spaghetti squash, and garlic-ginger sauteed greens.

- Got psyched up with Alon to go to the gym for an hour an a half at 8pm. Did my whole PT routine, dropping the biking portion down from 20 to 15 minutes (to avoid knee pains), and felt really good about it.

Tuesday 12/13

- Busy day of work with back to back meetings. 

- 20 minute coffee break with my friend Mary at Trident.

- Then a hearty PT session where we introduced 5 minutes of stair stepping (which almost killed me) and two variations of squats on the total gym where I used my left leg only (almost impossible), a modification on the wall slide squat where we tried to get 75% use out of my left leg and 25% out of my right, and two additional squats - one free standing bilateral functional squat and the other one standing on just my left leg using TRX straps. There is an undeniable learning curve here for my neuromuscular pathways, but at least I feel physically and mentally strong enough to try them now. Major progress and more to come!

- Alon and I got accepted as the new housemates at the Highland House. We are very excited! We'll be moving around January 5th (hiring movers, no doubt!). The cost savings is immense and the environment will be really cool and beautiful and wholesome (not cultish or sketchy, don't worry!).

Ta Da! That's it for now. Who actually read all this without falling asleep? Maybe just Mom and Dad and Mary... that's okay... love you guys :)

I will never again take for granted the ability to walk!

It has been exactly 99 DAYS since my bike accident and surgery. In just the past couple of days I have been able to go without any walking assistance (no crutches) about 50% of the time, still wearing my brace. What a great break through!

At physical therapy today I showed April how I could walk down the hall, in my shuffle sort of way. She took the crutch away from me and said... "Get going! Last room on the right." So just a few hours ago there I was walking, no crutches and without my brace for the very first time. I actually felt really strong without the brace. It was liberating. I don't feel this way in the morning - and sometimes during the middle of the day, I feel so weak and tired and painful that I can hardly bear another step. But tonight I did a little dance (like waving my arms in the air) for April as I strutted down the hall to the examination room. After our bending session (where I went to 122 degrees), I raced April to the bike to start my work out. I flew through my PT routine in about 1 hour (versus the regular 2), iced up, and went and met friends for drinks!

Last weekend I watched people walk across the crosswalk at a nearby intersection while Alon and I sat outside Atlas cafe drinking tea. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought most of them take walking for granted. I was sad and mad and jealous. I'm never again going to take walking for granted. I swear it. I'll remember this experience and all these emotions for the rest of my life. Walking carefree and being "able-bodied" is such a gift.

All week my coworkers have watched me go up and down the couple of stairs to the back entrance of our building. Cautiously move around the building with more ease. Go a few more feet every day with one crutch, then no crutches. Venture up a flight of stairs to the second floor for the first time in several months. Walk from my office to the front lobby without any assistance. Every moment I walked another step on my own, I really relished in the moment. Every time I took a step was a diligent, tireless, purposeful effort of reminding myself to engage my leg muscles, flex my quad, straighten my back, engage my core, touch my heel to the ground, straighten the knee, push off the toe, bend the knee, plant the heel again. Tighten the muscles. STEP. Repeat. My walking has turned into a mindfulness practice, and it's been truly amazing.

Last night I coordinated with Alon to make us some smoothies for dinner. My coworker Jenny would drive me home from work at 5:30. Alon and I would scurry off to the gym for one hour, then we'd make it - albeit 40 minutes late - to the BCAP Annual World AIDS Day Concert at First United Methodist Church. The coordinated effort was critical and we pulled it off! As we slowwwly walked across the icy parking lot to the church at 7:35. That was an awesome effort!

The last couple of days have been particularly sketchy as we have had very cold temperatures, snow, and most walkways and roads hardened with slick ice last night and this morning. Everyone who saw me out and about said with a loving, cautious tone, "PLEASE be careful." And I was. I walked out of my house this morning to start the car as Alon was finishing up something inside. We were about to head out together. As I stood on the curb getting ready to step down into the street this morning and start the car, the reflection of glaring ice stopped me. I felt doubt, discouragement, and then, most of all rationality. This experience has made the most obvious EVEN clearer. I poked the ice on the road a couple times with my crutches and decided that I couldn't take the step knowing I would be safe. It would be pushing the limits. I was reluctant, yet I stood there with my head down, just staring, wondering if I could do it, HOW I could do it. I decided I couldn't do it without help. Mind and body fought for a while, but my body knew more than my mind. My ego reared it's head and then was cast aside. I still stood there, contemplating, staring at the ground - wishing for an alternate reality yet knowing the truth - until I was ready to turn around to go back inside and wait for Alon.

Just then Jenny drove by. Sweet little southern gal. What timing. She always drives by my house on her way to work in the morning, but I'd never actually seen her unless she was stopping to pick me up. Well, by golly, there she was! She put on the brakes just a bit past me and pulled over, rolled down her window, and yelled, "Hey Erin, do you need help?!" To which I replied, "Yes, I'm going back inside to get Alon!" "Ok. See you at the office!" Jenny yelled back. "Sounds good, thanks!" I said.

It's really hard to ask for help but if you listen REALLY carefully you know WHEN... and listen even more carefully and you know HOW and WHO to go to. It's amazing to me the friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers who have come together for me lately to be my support team when I need it. To say to myself, "I can do a lot of things, but I CAN'T do this on my own" without feeling some sense of defeated self-worth is really difficult to come to terms with. But when I'm surrounded by people who just want to see me succeed and be happy, everything seems okay again. My decision by the curb this morning felt rational, solid, and self-assured. I knew I didn't want to get hurt or take a risk that could ultimately result in injury or set back. The love and support of those around me and those whom I hold in my heart help empower me to make the right decision. I acknowledged that I needed help, I sat with it - literally, as I stood there holding my crutches and stared at the ground without moving. Jenny reminded me that it's okay to ask for help. And I knew I could always count on Alon's patience, kindness, help, and loving understanding - even for the simplest of things. Even when he doesn't realize how awesome and helpful he is, he's that much more amazing to me.

This last week in particular there have been several times when I have felt strong and weak, tired yet determined all at the same time. When someone asks me if I have pain, I've learned to craft my answers in such a way that allows my body and mind a chance to respond genuinely and for "both" to be acknowledged. For instance, "Yes, I feel pain in my foot like I'm walking on a sprained ankle but the more I walk on it, the more blood flow it gets and the quicker it will heal. My quad feels weak and my knee is swollen and stiff, so I can't take a long normal stride but I CAN walk a little bit. See?" I'm where I'm supposed to be. I just need to keep working out and trying to walk and tell myself to walk even when I don't want to anymore. 

Life is really that simple: ONE STEP AT A TIME - while every step seems simple it is a challenge (to some degree) and requires the utmost dedication or else it simply will not happen.

The Gay Vegans: Honoring World AIDS Day

From my friend Dan Hanley:

The Gay Vegans: Honoring World AIDS Day: As a gay and vegan blogger, I have noticed that whenever I blog about HIV or AIDS, fewer people read my blog. I think for many people, AIDS...

When Rehab Is Cut -- You Hurt Too (by Lee Woodruff)

An important article...

An article originally from the Huffington Post talks about the the real possibility that rehabilitation services and workers could be negatively impacted by budget cuts if we do not support Health Care Reform and the Affordable Care Act. This is my chance to support others and share (and relate to) others experiences about how rehab has changed and saved their lives. A heart felt thank you goes out to my team of rehabilitation experts at Boulder Orthopedic: Dr. Lauri Fulkerson, April Smith LPT, Caitlin, and Meagan.

Gabby Giffords' amazing story and the release of her book and home video have put rehabilitation medicine and its amazing therapists temporarily in the public eye. But I have no doubt it will soon fall back in the shadows of public consciousness. 

Medical rehabilitation isn't sexy. There's no rush of the emergency room -- no gurneys or defibrillators or physicians yelling orders in an environment of barely-controlled chaos. There's no discovering cures or fashioning a human heart out of stem cells. And, while George Clooney would make a handsome rehabilitation physician on TV, the networks aren't lining up to film a pilot involving a rehab hospital. 

Rehabilitation does not provide instant results; rather, it is a long, hard road. It is a near-relentless struggle over the course of weeks, months, and even years to help an individual who has been severely injured get back as close as possible to where they were before their injury. It can involve countless hours of hard work and determination just to remember the word for an apple, to gain the motor skills to hold a fork, and the ability to dress oneself again. 

It's a journey that most often involves families and friends. It is a road that my children and I walked with my husband Bob when he was severely injured by a roadside bomb in Iraq. But consider this: at some point every one of us will need expert rehabilitation care for a loved one or ourselves. How many of us know someone who has been in a car accident, or had a stroke, or broken a hip? As I move through my 50s, I'm more keenly aware of my own pressing mortality, the fact that anything can happen to myself, my loved ones and my family members. It's simply a fact of life. 

It was impossible not to think of our own journey when I watched the home video of Rep. Gabby Giffords working hard and making such great strides. Many things are possible on the journey of recovery. I see them at work every day with Bob. But none of my husband's achievements and his "getting back to himself" would have been possible without rehab. 

Sadly, the type of quality medical rehabilitation care that Bob and Rep. Gabby Giffords needed -- and the type of care that you or your loved ones may need in the future -- is at significant risk due to current proposals in Washington proposed as part of deficit reduction. These cuts will reduce patient access to care and threaten the viability of rehabilitation providers. Thousands of people in need of medical rehabilitation will no longer receive these services. Training as well as therapists and medical jobs will be cut -- hospitals will have no choice. 

Patients in rehabilitation hospitals are often at their most vulnerable. It's an emotional and scary time, usually following an injury, sudden event or illness. Most Americans already face very real limitations on their access to inpatient and outpatient rehabilitation care -- their insurance runs out or benefits stop before their treatment needs end. The average insurance plan for traumatic brain injury covers six weeks of rehab. That barely begins to scratch the surface of an injury that can take years to heal. 

Patients and their families should not unfairly bear the burden of balancing the federal budget. Cheaper is not better. Who would ever choose to see their catastrophically hurt loved one in a nursing home instead of a rehab hospital? But that will be the result if these cuts are approved.

Talk with these people, as well as our returning wounded veterans, about how overwhelming the access and financial challenges can be. At a time when our population is aging and returning veterans are in need of services in their local communities, services will be slashed or eliminated. Rehab is darn hard work -- placing challenging policy and additional access obstacles in front of these patients are not in anyone's interest. 

It's easy to put medical rehabilitation at the back-of-the-bus in medicine. But we need to fight cuts that will eliminate access to high quality care for your spouse, your grandmother, and your child. Otherwise, society and each of us will pay in many unanticipated ways, including higher costs, reduced quality of life for the disabled, and higher levels of intense stress for families and caregivers. 

Rehab saves lives and families. It saved mine. In my lowest moments, it was the energy, motivation, expertise, and commitment of the caregivers in rehab hospitals that got me through. I have a very clear memory of walking onto the floor of Bob's inpatient rehab hospital, my spirits at their lowest ebb. I had run out of gas, and my shoulders were hunched in a C-curve. A voice piped up from behind the desk. "Come with me Mrs. Woodruff," the young physical therapist commanded. She shut the door behind her tiny office, " has anyone asked you how you are today?" she inquired, as I burst into tears of gratitude and release. She then proceeded to give me a ten-minute shoulder massage that I will never forget. Her kindness and compassion humbled me that day. And it lifted me up. She had extended her care beyond simply focusing on the patient and offered it to an exhausted caregiver. That's just a tiny slice of the magic that takes place in rehab hospitals. We can't allow these much needed resources to be vastly diminished. 

With the skills and support of the therapists and doctors in medical rehabilitation hanging in the balance, I want to lend my voice to wake Washington up. It may not be a sexy, but it's a critical one.

Follow Lee Woodruff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/leemwoodruff 

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-woodruff/when-rehab-is-cut-you-hur_b_1121049.html

 

Monumental past few days!

As I was updating my friend, Jane, of my recovery today over email I realized how monumental the past few days have been. Here's what I said:

"Holiday was good. Alon & I went down to Minturn (just past Vail) and spent time with his Aunt, Uncle, and bazillion cousins. Felt really good to get away and the long break was just what the doctor ordered! ...this was our first departure from Boulder in over 3 months.

"I am doing great! Last week had its hiccups, but I finally feel like I am fully transitioned to 100% weight bearing and using one crutch without much pain (still working on strength, balance, and stability). I still walk kinda funny, but we'll work on gait mechanics in PT [and in the pool]. I also took my first shower STANDING UP while we were in Minturn, so that was exciting... and made it to the second floor of BCAP for the first time this morning."

In addition, I made it out to coffee shops (Atlas and Trident) THREE times this weekend. THAT really makes me feel like I am getting back to my old self again. HOORAY!

Right now I am listening to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and that also just adds to my good feelings and excitement to keep carrying on like a bad ass! Who doesn't want to dance when they here that song? :-) For your viewing and listening pleasure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFTLKWw542g

Going to 100% ain't so easy

So this week I started transitioning from two crutches and 50% weight bearing to one crutch and 75-100% weight bearing. Day one of walking about with two crutches and 75-100% weight bearing was not painful, but by evening time my knee was very swollen. The next day I awoke to more swelling and stiffness, particularly around the top of my shin bone and knee cap, and pain on the lateral side. No fun. Called my doctor just to notify her, and the advice was to back off, ice, elevate and try again in a couple of days. 

This past week continued to be difficult to keep swelling at bay while trying to increase weight bearing. So, for just a few minutes here and there through out each day I would try harder with one or both crutches. Again, there usually wasn't pain when I would walk but swelling would ensue later on.

Overall, I'm taking 1000-2000mg of Tylenol each day and rubbing some anti-inflammatory ointment on my knee which seems to help. Also ICING and ELEVATING! A few times a day every day this week, whether I am home or at work or at someone's house. It helps with any pain I have and certainly the swelling.

Today, I hobbled around mostly on one crutch. The foot pain was by far the worst today. It felt pretty awful since last night and this morning it was just as stiff and soar and painful. Walking on it sometime (in the past) would help loosen it up, but today it was just feeling worse. Oh well, I walked anyways, and as I did I said to myself, something like, "Foot, you are fine just stiff. Knee, you are strong and loose. Engage your quads and glutes. Press down off that toe, straighten your leg, and walk as normally as possible." That's a lot to say to oneself, but I was hoping it helped.

Also, I have been continuing my work outs. I took Wednesday and Thursday off, since we traveled for Thanksgiving. I was back at it Friday night for about an hour and a half (while Alon grocery shopped, bless him!). Today, since I walked so much and did more weight bearing, I will skip the gym (suggested by my PT).

Extension is still a challenge, though it wasn't in the beginning, it is now. PT this week got me flexing (bending) to 125 degrees, slowly and painfully. I was informed that my PT will continue until I can walk completely normally and do other activities like lunges without hesitation. Also, April (PT) said that she will continue to "bend me" until I reach 135 degrees. And that until I can comfortably and easily achieve 135 on my own, she will continue to work with me on that. All of this was very reassuring as I had a minor freak out, fearing getting booted out of therapy too soon. I was told this would not happen and not to even worry about that. Not that I have an unhealthy co-dependency with PT, but I see it as critical in my long-term recovery that I was afraid the "health care system" would "dismiss" me before I actually was ready. Not the case here. Sigh of relief.

Next week, or maybe tomorrow, I REALLY hope to do some pool therapy and work on my gait and body mechanics. Also, I want to increase my "shuffling" without ANY crutches, which I have been doing here and there, to perhaps fuller steps (no shuffling). This has been an awesome week in terms of fast turn around but also seeing the two steps forward one step back a lot too.

"Body Practice vs. Mind Practice": An Article from Elephant Journal

Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind: Connecting Yoga and Buddhism

By Michael Stone

Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/11/freeing-the-body-freeing-the-mind-connecting-yoga-and-buddhism/

How can we use the body to study the mind, and work with the mind through the body?

Over the years, I’ve found it increasingly frustrating that Yoga is continually reduced to “a body practice” and Buddhism “a mind practice.” This makes no sense to me. Anyone who has practiced deeply in both traditions knows that the Buddha gave attention to the body, Patanjali the mind, and that both traditions value ethical precepts and commitments as the foundation of an appropriate livelihood. I organize a community in Toronto called Centre of Gravity Sangha, a thriving group of people interested in integrating Yoga and Buddhist practices.

In the Buddha’s teachings, the body is used as the primary object of meditation, so that one can study the universe not through books or theory but through one’s subjective experience. Likewise the Yoga postures, when practiced with breathing and sensitivity, become opportunities for deep meditative insight because they are designed to calm the nervous system. This grounds us. When we move within the various shapes of the yoga poses and tune into the internal energetic patterns of our breath, we are working the habits of mind as well. Though the Yoga postures we practice in modern Yoga studios have obvious therapeutic benefits at physiological levels, some teachers and schools seem to have forgotten how the postures also teach us how to work with the mind. And for most of us, our troubles are not simply in the body – primarily, trouble is in the mind. How can we use the body to study the mind and work with the mind through the body? By experiencing how the two are completely interrelated.

There is a fundamental affinity between mind practices and body practices. Think of them both as curves in a grand mandala that continually spirals in, on, and through itself with no beginning or end. When I work deeply with my mind, I only do so by giving attention to the body: I witness its processes, from breathing to listening or seeing. The same is true when I study the intricate holding patterns in the web of my body (called koshas in Sanskrit); I end up seeing where my mind sticks, where it can’t focus, where it gets caught in refrains of old tape loops. What I thought was “body” is mostly mental. The Buddha says “Leave the body in the body.” When the Buddha teaches mindfulness practices, he begins with the bare awareness of body.

“The old Indian practice of Yoga,” writes scholar Karen Armstrong, “meant that people became dissatisfied with a religion that concentrated on externals. Sacrifice and liturgy were not enough: they wanted to discover the inner meaning of these rites.”Turning inward means taking responsibility for the spiritual path by focusing on the microcosm of reality that exists in the body’s functioning in this and every moment. Although yogic practices can supposedly be traced back some five thousand years, and although yogins have described their paths and discoveries in very different terms depending on their respective cultural vocabulary, they all share the same common focus: the body is the primary object of meditative inquiry.

 

When we begin by taking care of the body and paying attention to its workings, we find ourselves focusing the mind, settling the breath, and learning much more about the nature of reality than we’d know by extroverted thinking alone. There are some things we just can’t figure out with ordinary thinking.

Just resting in feeling the sense of the body without any notions or concepts, we begin to tune in to the glorious operation of the natural world that is only available to a quiet mind. Of course, the mind is not separate from the body in any way – it is just a seamless continuation of the sense organs. We begin with the body because it is always present – it is the very apparatus we need to receive and explore any corner of the natural world. We use “the mind” to explore “the body,” but as we get closer and quieter, we come to see that mind and body are inseparable. The seeker Uddalaka in the Yoga Vashista, a story that interweaves Yoga and Buddhist philosophy, enters a remote practice place and begins practicing Yoga. After some time he exclaims,

Just as the silkworm spins its cocoon and gets caught in it, you have woven the web of your concepts and are caught in them.
. . . There is no such thing as mind. I have carefully investigated, I have observed everything from the tips of my toes to the top of my head: and I have not found anything of which I could say: This is who I am.

If we approach Yoga practices simply through books and words, and not direct contact with the physical and material reality of the body and breath, all we are left with is conceptual scaffolding. We can’t know these practices from the outside. They were never meant to be mere philosophy or codified ritual. Knowing about practice is not enough: we must drop our “knowing” and feel our way into present experience by seeing things clearly. By seeing, the old yogis are not referring to the eyes but to what the Zen tradition calls “the true dharma eye” — the eye that sees without clinging, without sculpting, without allowing what is seen to get stuck into the web of like or dislike. The spirit of Yoga and Buddhism embodies a radical approach to human experience — we begin practice through paying attention to what is here in this moment. Each and every one of us can wake up without needing to adopt a new ideology or belief system. When we return to present experience through the sense organs themselves — eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin, and mind — we enter the freedom of this very moment, and the old paths of the yogis come alive here and now. There is no freedom in just repeating the words and rituals of the old masters — we must express freedom and interdependence through the action of our whole being and community through mind, body, and speech.

Every morning we wake up under the same bright northern star the Buddha saw when he awoke one dawn in his early thirties. Every moment we breathe the same molecules of air that once nourished Santideva, Dogen, Thich Nhat Hanh, your parents and their parents. Perhaps practice also fulfills our responsibility to the yogi-poets and wanderers who long ago struggled with aging bodies, unreliable thoughts, and an imperfect culture. They took great care in putting together words and phrases to articulate their path: they tried to leave maps for us, so we can enter way life happens in a way that motivates us to meet reality in an embodied and creative way.

Michael Stone is author of Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind. Visit him online at Centre of Gravity.

Update: Week 12 (the three month mark... Yahoo!)

Monday

Met with my surgeon, Dr. Fulkerson, this afternoon. Alon came with me. In a nutshell, Lauri said"...I am so proud of you and so happy for you. You have made it over the hump. I am not going to have to go in and scope out any scar tissue. You are going to be fine. Keep working as hard as you have been."

She was very pleased with the fluidity with which my knee could bend and move (to about 115 degrees) and confident with my progress. The reassurance and feedback was very validating.

We all sighed with relief and Lauri gave me a very tight-lipped, reassuring smile and head tilt of "job well done". It was wonderful. I gave her a high five! You can tell she was also pleased that her hard work in surgery did not go to waste.

I was approved to weight bear at 50% (two days ahead of schedule). Do that for 7-10 days. Then doc said go to 75-100% with one crutch for 7-10 days. She gave me the leeway to trust my body and mind and take an extra day or so to transition where and when I need to (within the range she specified).

She also cleared me to go swimming, hot tubbing, and take baths! Yay!

Also, Dr. Fulkerson said the stabbing pain and soreness on the medial side of my left knee is likely a result from scar tissue. The scar tissue has built up significantly on the lateral side (where the tibial plateau was crushed) and where part of the incision is. This is pulling my knee cap slightly to that side causing some of that pain on the medial side. 

I also told her about the "figure four" resistance exercises that I am doing with April (my PT). We started those last week. That exercise works the muscle from the inside of my left knee, up the thigh, across the quad, and diagonally over to the IT band. That, along with weight bearing is likely the trigger for the knee pain. 

Lauri said if any consistent pain surfaces on the lateral side to let her know and that is of concern because that is where the majority of the damage was. Right now, I just feel some tenderness where the hamstring and quad attachment points are along the thigh. So I think I am in the clear right now as well.

I will see her again on December 2nd. We'll take more x-rays then (no x-rays were taken at this last visit).

Made it to the gym at 9:30 at night for a 25 minute work out. 15 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes of foam roller (on IT band, hamstring and calf) and some quad sets/extension stretches. It was a hard day and I felt like crap when I went, but glad I did.

Tuesday

Kicked some booty in PT: bent to 120 again. Grudgingly. I still cried on like the last 2 bends. It is still just so damn painful - all over the place. From the ankle to various parts of the knee, calf, quad, hamstring, and of course low back - which eventually relaxes as I begin to relax into the pain and try to let it go. I only took the 500mg of Tylenol before this session. The flexion/extension with April was slightly more painful, but I did not feel the "drug fatigue" that I would have felt had I taken the oxycodone. I think I'll save those for bed time (as needed). I was completely wiped out come 6:30, so Alon and I order Thai. I ate - quickly. Took a hot shower - slowly. And was in bed by 8:40. Took valium to chill out the overall soreness and pains in my knee. Asleep by 9:30. Zzzzz.

Wednesday 

Worked another long-ish day: 5.5 hours. That feels about perfect to me. Anyways, rested for a bit afterward but within 20 minutes of being home and literally putting my feet up, I could feel my leg start to stiffen and cramp. I went to the gym promptly doing my full routine. My knee, leg, and low back felt very loose while biking today. The rest was "routine". Might try swimming and hot tub tomorrow evening with Alon.

Thursday

No go on the physical activity today, outside of going to work (another 5.5 hours). Felt pretty tired, swollen, and soar with bouts of stabbing pains in my knee. All "normal". I was blessed with a very nice massage and girl-time from my friend, Bree. That was by far the highlight. She is awesome. I wish we could find more time to spend together. Anyways, despite that I still took a bunch of meds before bedtime (which was about 9am) = 500mg ibuprofen, 325mg Tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, and 5 mg Valium. I was out like a light... till about 4:30/5am. This seems to be the norm for the past couple of weeks - the waking up at 3 or 4am. Fortunately this time, I only stayed awake for a short period of time.

Friday 

Worked a solid 5.5 hours, sluggishly yet productively. Good to know I can still get things done :) Bumped my PT appointment to 4pm instead of 4:30, hoping that I will have a slightly increased reserve of energy. I took a 5mg Valium before the appointment to chill me out during the "bending" portion of PT - because I can get pretty worked up physically, mentally and emotionally - and ESPECIALLY when I am as tired as I am. I guess it kind of worked. Progress in that regard was 123 degrees of flexion. Extension is getting harder (to be expected with continual progress in bending). So two tricks I was taught this week with that one is to lay down, face down, on the bed, legs hanging off the edge of the bed just above the knee. Sounds yucky, right? Well, if my knee is not even close to hyper extension because of all the scar tissue, this exercise is fine. The other trick is to prop my foot up about a foot with my leg extended straight and just keep relaxing the leg and knee. Hold this position for about 5 minutes (same as the other one), and then come back to bending. Both feel excruciatingly painful in the end, BUT absolutely essential to get and maintain full extension in my leg. I did take 1000mg of Tylenol today. Seems a bit over the top but at this point my liver considers that a break. There is a pot luck at my friend Katrin's tonight. I hope I make it, but it's not looking good (energy-wise). There is the whole "mind over matter" thing, so who knows, I could get a second wind! This weekend is all about RELAXING and RECUPERATING. Boulder may get a good deal of snow Saturday, so I am hoping to cozy up inside, drink copious amounts of tea, read and maybe do arts and crafts, and grocery shop if I absolutely have to.

That last paragraph was a complete stream of consciousness but I don't feel like editing it and organizing it. This is after all, more a like a journal sometimes than anything else. I learn something about myself, and maybe my reader picks up a thing or two as well.

Take care and love to you all.

The Down-Swing to the Up-Swing

That sadness and fear and weakness that I pushed back during physical therapy on Friday seemed to resurface Saturday evening. What a surprise. 

The sharp, frequent, stabbing pains through the medial side of my knee were really getting to me. They've been happening with more frequency the last couple of days. I am certain it is from increased, constant weight bearing at PT from Friday. 

I had a somewhat "full" day Saturday with out over doing it, I thought. Started the day with a lovely Skype session with my brother Mike and his girlfriend, Alicia, in New York. Got a quick and tasty breakfast burrito at Illegal Pete's with Alon. Viewed an apartment (with a billion stairs and down branches everywhere). Scooted around Whole Foods with Alon (me: in a power scooter that could literally turn on dime, a 1000 times better than the Target version). And in the afternoon, I finally sat for about two hours while I got my hair colored. I decided to take the day off from the gym/PT. I was feeling fatigued since I woke up but decided to continue activity at a relatively slow pace, checking in with myself (did I want to go home and sleep or go grocery shopping with Alon? for instance). By late afternoon and night time, I was completely beat, a bit cranky, and the pain had not subsided at all despite 1000mg of Tylenol since morning. Alon and I cooked dinner and watched two movies. I iced my knee a bit, later on putting heat on the medial part of the knee. I was trying everything.

Did I mention Boulder was experiencing 60+ mph gusts yesterday? Today it's not so bad, less wind up, but still up there at probably 30-40 mph. Anyways, that kind of wind always makes me feel unsettled, even on a good day. And surely challenges my stability (physically and mentally) while on crutches.

As I write this and reflect more on my day yesterday, I realize, "Shit. I did not actually take it very easy." Well, I tried. I did go slowly, if that counts. The conversation I had with myself yesterday was "If I went home I would be letting the fatigue win and probably feel sad or something." 

I was starting to have regrets later in the day that I didn't go to the gym, since I was feeling so crappy. Alon reassured that I was fine and it was probably an okay thing to do (and it was).

The balance I was trying to achieve was activity without increasing my pain while not giving in to fatigue. That's hard!

By night fall, as I tried to stretch and massage my left leg in bed, I wept. Whether it was pain, fatigue, or frustration that set it off. There I was, crying yet again. Oh well. It was, again, cathartic. I remember yelling (in a nice way!) to Alon in the other room, asking if he could please put away the left overs from dinner. He was like, "Sure." Here's the straw the broke the camel's back last night: the fact that I couldn't do it; I couldn't muster up the strength to crutch to my wheel chair in the other room, put down the crutches, wheel into the kitchen, put everything away in Tupperware, clean up, and put stuff in the fridge. It was just too much. There's got to be a word for angry-self-pity-weakness-discouraged. That is what it felt like.

Anyways, that was my moment last night. The down swing to the up swing.

I woke up with a headache this morning. Scarfed down a bowl of gluten-free granola and drove to the gym, where I proceeded to do rehab work out. I felt good about getting there and that is was the right thing for my body and mind. I was still very stiff and sore when I work up. The work out did help with that. The interesting part again was the first few minutes on the bike. I just cried. Discretely trying to wipe the tears from my cheeks. I focused my pain, tiredness, weakness, and frustration into the healing process and strength of my leg. I listened to some good music in my headphones and 15 minutes went by on the bike. I continued with the rest of my work out and headed home about an hour and a half later. Slightly less tired, slightly less pain.

Update: Week 11 - Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter:

In no other instance was this truer than a shared experience today during my first half hour of physical therapy with April and Alon.

I was bending at 116 degrees. We'd done it three, maybe four times. We'd been going for about 15 minutes or so, of bending and extending (straightening). Sharp pains increasing like daggers stabbing through the side of my knee. The knee began to tighten. Mentally I started to feel weak and tired. (I was actually tired going in - I think the oxycodone I took an hour before hand was making me feel fatigued. I may skip it next time, since the only time I seem to take them is right before PT). My hip was lifting off the table. Then I could only get to 110 degrees or so. Frustration and weakness set in. The tears began to fall. My breathing got short. April reminded me to stay calm and try not to get anxious or down on myself. Alon demonstrated deep inhales and exhales. I mimicked them.

"Don't let it get to you!" I thought to myself, then said it out loud. 

"Acknowledge the pain and fear and frustration, briefly. Then, tell yourself to RELAX."

"JUST RELAX." I repeated over and over out loud.

"It's okay. Calm down. Relax into the pain. You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Then, we got to 116. 118. 120!

I actually felt relaxed. My body was laying in a somewhat peaceful state. My mind was somewhat peaceful as well. The discomfort and tightness in my knee and quad was there, but it was not unbearable. I was talking. Taking long slow inhales and exhales. LAUGHING EVEN. We were making jokes of some kind. I think I said, "Let's do it for all the American Soldiers!" (Being that it was Veteran's Day.) I was half-joking (at least Alon & April laughed) but also trying to find any inspiration or distraction I could to KEEP GOING and OVERCOME.

Bent at 120 degrees we held this for about a minute. I relaxed and straightened the leg (always painful after bending like this). Then back to 120, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. I was absolutely amazed. My mind and heart and soul had overcome the mental and physical barriers of pain, fear, weakness, and frustration yet again. Right then in a matter of moments.

It was some kind of bliss seeping through a sieve of pain and frustration from sheer will and determination. I felt liberated.

Update: Week 10 (going into 11)

So as of Sunday, November 6th I started weight bearing 25% of my weight, or roughly 40 pounds, onto my left leg. How this happens is I stand with my right leg planted on the floor and my left leg on a scale. I press onto the scale until it reads 40 pounds. Then I walk around trying to mimic that weight and sensation. I'll come back to the scale a couple times during the day to see if I am maintaining that pressure. It's hard! Usually I am at about 25-30 pounds when I think I am at 40. It doesn't hurt my leg much at first, it's mostly awkward and feels slightly unstable. 

I am also experiencing some of the "pins and needles" or tingling feeling in the bottom of my foot, mostly on the ball of the foot, towards the middle, and along the arch way. This happens as I walk and put added weight onto my leg and foot. It's normal. It means I am getting sensation back and re-establishing those nerve endings and pathways to my brain. It's uncomfortable, temporarily painful, but I just keep walking and the tingling tends to work itself out.

I am being mindful to not develop a limp in my stride, just keep it as smooth and steady as possible, which right now also means walking quite slowly. And I am trying to even out my hips as I walk as much as possible because Lord knows my left hip is rotated and a few inches (it feels like) higher than my right hip from holding the leg UP and out of the way for so long.

My low back gets a little cramped up from time to time, but mostly my body is holding up well.

I am still going to PT twice a week and the gym on off days - aiming for at least 4 days per week at the gym (doing the same exercises as I do at PT). I've had some struggles recently getting to the gym, from tiredness, soreness, etc. but once I get there I end up feeling 100% better! On that note, I encourage you all to get your asses to the gym or at least do SOMETHING physically active EVERY DAY. Your body will love you for it.

Last week's PT stats are as follows: added 3 different types of squats to the hour and a half session (ouch!)... good, effective, and tiring. My range of motion last week was something like 98-110 and 98-112. Today I went 98-116! And on my own, I could bend my leg (after some warm ups) to 113. That was incredible! I couldn't believe it. I really need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself some more credit... as stated by my physical therapist. She said I am making great progress, and to expect some harder days and nights ahead (again!) as I start to weight bear more and increase exercises and mobility.

I'm doing a lot more around the house - that is: cooking and getting my own meals regularly. Not so much cleaning, feeding kitty, or making the bed or anything yet because I'm just not that agile or stable on two feet yet. But the last couple days, I've given myself a bunch of extra time in the morning and I'm fed, with tea to go, and ready for work in about an hour and a half. The hot showers in the morning (with hot water on my leg) still really help loosen up my muscles and give me time to work on flexion and extension in a seated position.

I have a care provider coming just once this week and once next week (while I am at work) to do some house cleaning and cooking. Then, hopefully I will be back to my home routines... which at that point, might include shoveling snow! BOOO :(

Speaking of yard work, Alon raked the front and back yard this past weekend. I watched. I longed to just rake the yard. I really would have enjoyed that. God, it is hard to just not be able to do certain things like that. I am thankful for Alon and know I'll be back at it soon enough, but damn, I still have a good deal of sorrow and frustration some days.

The other day I had a dip in mood, feeling sorry for myself and what came out of my mouth, to my surprise, was "I can't believe this happened." It's true. I still can't believe it sometimes. From the wisdom and truth of my physical therapist April today, she said something like, "You gotta have those moments and let yourself feel it. But at the end of the day, where is your anger and frustration going to get you? (The answer: Nowhere.) Focus all your (my) energy on working hard, healing and getting stronger. Focus your energy and emotion right into the knee!" And that was the moment today when I bent to 116 degrees. Good stuff! Powerful. Our minds are our greatest barriers sometimes. This whole process is really about balance and awareness, in every way. Isn't everything?

Responses to "Return to Work"

I think it is important that I share the two comments below that I received by email this past week from two loved and trusted people in my life. They are spot on and fill in thoughts and feelings where I may have trailed off (in my mind). I really appreciate the support and love that surrounds me while I walk along this bumpy path. These people (amongst others) really do complete me as a person. Thank you for telling me to chill out sometimes and for bringing things into perspective!

Comment #1
"With regards to your people at work I'd say: focus on YOU!  As you know, people respond in a variety of ways to challenging situations (i.e. fear, over-care-taking, awkwardness, pity, trying to cover their own asses in terms of liability yada, yada...).  You never know exactly why it is that people say what they do, how they do, when they do.

Just be clear about what your intentions are for next week, do your best, listen to your body and take breaks/"call it a day" when you need to. If you feel good and have energy, then keep on truckin' - to hell what everybody else thinks!! Let others' comments, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc. go by the way side for now.  If there are repeating patterns that come up again and again with the same person over the coming weeks, then I'd day sure, go ahead and bring it up/address it. Otherwise, my council is to forget about this level of analysis for now and focus on what your goals are, how you know you are feeling/doing and what you know you want/need to do. Make all this clear to others and let them deal with their own doubts/fears/issues..." C.F.

Comment #2

"You got it girl, always good to hear from you. Good job!  Have a great time back at work, that schedule sounds good :) I think getting your mind off yourself and back onto your job is gonna be great. You will love the new energy and business I bet, and you will sleep good at night!

Have fun and good luck, my sisterly advice is try not to confuse peoples concern, compassion, or wanting to help with pity or fear, ok? There is definitely a big difference... Remember over the years how compassionate you have been to others, even to people you never met before! You would have never wanted them confusing your compassion for anything else right? So give them a chance, let them care for you, it's ok, You would do the same for a coworker if it was reversed.

So be patient with people and just keep your heart open, soak it in, you will do great!! I'm not sure what happened there, or what conversations you have had with coworkers recently, I wasn't there, but to me it doesn't seem like the type of work place or community that would hinder your progress or productivity, so try not to worry to much, ok pal. Just reeeelax." B.B.

Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)

Play Therapy at the Park! (pictures)

Yesterday, Alon and I and our friend Kat went to North Boulder Park. While Alon and Kat walked her dog, I played on the swings and started making up my own exercises. It was freeing, uplifting, empowering, and fun! Before hand, I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep, but deep down I wanted to test my endurance and push myself. I had already pushed myself that day (socializing, eating out, crutching around plus a lack of sleep)... but I am so glad I pushed a little more and discovered these moments of joy in the fresh, crisp Boulder air at the base of the Foothills.

Here I am (click on photos to enlarge):

Extension on the way up...

Flexion on the way back...

Runner's lunge, Position 1: Flexion. The majority of my weight is supported by the swing's saddle, my back (right) leg, and hands. Just a light toe touch on my left leg (permitted by doc).

Runner's lunge, Position 2: Extension. Just trying to straighten that left leg and feel a good stretch!

Look at me, I can fly! :-)

Physical Therapy Breakthough!

Pain is okay today. Still took an oxy and rubbed pain reliever cream (like icy hot) on my knee today because I could feel some sharp pain seeping in. But as I type I am sitting without a brace with both legs dangling over the edge of the couch. Right ankle crossed over left, applying slight pressure to push my left leg back. Knee feels tight, but tolerable.

Kind of made a break through in PT Tuesday! I was laying face up on the exam table (per usual - sometimes we do face down, and that is no fun). Face cloth in mouth to bite down on and muffle my screams. I know, kind of a pathetic sight. Squeezing the bajesus out of the stress ball in my right hand. Right foot pushing down furiously into the table top. Glutes flexed... talking myself into relaxation. April by my left side ready to get me bending. I had come into the appointment, smiling and laughing, the usual Erin. Then, Jekyll meets Hyde.

That said - On Tuesday October 25th during out patient PT with our beloved April Smith, it was easier to get to 98 degrees than ever before (still painful). Maybe it was all that talking to my knee in the wee hours of the morning. At 108 degrees of flexion my hip actually relaxed with less effort each time. We did this repeatedly with the same success about 3 times. We held it at 108 degrees for about a minute each time. It still hurt, but I could mentally and physically feel a shift. It made me (all three of us) so happy. We all realized this change was happening. All the while, Alon hovered over me holding me down and pushing my shoulders down into the table so I wouldn't skootch back. It actually worked as awful as it sounds. And I loved having Alon there, with his good energy and intentions and strength supporting my progress. 

April noticed that the muscles in my leg were contracting less (or something like that). She said we have worked through most of the muscular pain. The muscular contractions and pain were previously stopping us from progressing (she could feel it as could I). She said she felt like I have started to move into an actual physical stop, the scar tissue. This is good. This is okay. She says it should be easier and less painful to work through the scar tissue. Should I believe her? I do.

I can really see and feel progress, like my left leg hangs more easily around 90 degrees and I can push just a hair beyond that without so much pain as before.

YAY! Love to you all!

Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin