Shifting (Part I): Movement... A Tidal Wave of Energy

A major theme in my life right now is SHIFTING. It's gorgeous. It's big and bold and exciting. Here's an example:

I am still going to physical therapy every other week with a focus on Pilates which I feel serves me very well at this time. Today I was on the reformer. We increased resistance A LOT. I told Lori I wanted to focus on building quad strength. I warmed up and then jumped into some hard lower body stuff. She guides me through the routine; different every time. It's priceless training, rehab or otherwise. I was doing bilateral leg exercises, then one legged exercises on each side. Believe it or not, my right leg fatigues and hurts so much faster than the left one, which still has much less muscle. This all makes sense as one understands more about muscle fiber recruitment. My right leg knows and remembers how to recruit all the muscle fibers to do the work (it was never atrophied or traumatized) while my left one is still re-learning that, after being severely atrophied and injured. It's really quite incredible to witness, especially with such a large, important muscle like the quad and glutes. 

I've plateaued, actually quite a while I go I plateaued in my exercise routines. But in a way that was okay because the seasons were changing and I knew I'd be outside more, trying new things (hiking, biking more, rafting!). Now I feel ready to move beyond the plateau, in the arena of the gym workouts. I'm at a new level where I have the mechanics and muscle (and confidence) to do all the exercises I want to, and I'm able to increase the weight or resistance and push myself much harder than ever before. Today we bumped up the resistance A LOT on the Pilates reformer. Where I could do only 5 reps and then I was done. Done done. Like completely fatigued. Like a body-builder might do. It was very uplifting, fun, and newly motivating to do this kind of work at this point in my rehab. 

Throughout, my physical therapist and Pilates Instructor, Lori, kept reminding me to talk out loud to my left quad (or in my mind): instructing it to recruit more muscle; to work harder; to fire; to TRUST and BELIEVE (like the little engine that could). Recruit more muscle. Come on! At one point I practically yelled at my leg under my breath. Gritting my teeth with utmost determination. I want to be stronger SO badly. I could feel the difference - at first it felt like I was just going through the motions, easy and not tiring. Then, I started talking to it and challenging my leg with new weight and motion. And the therapist started tapping my quad with her finger tips as I was doing the exercises and the left quad started twitching! Like never before. It was actually getting tired! 

Without a thought, I burst into tears today (of joy, of amazement!) when my left quad finally started twitching; activating new muscle fibers, recruiting more muscle. Getting tired! I was so sick of my right leg always getting tired and my left one was like, "eh, I don't care. This is good enough." It wasn't good enough! It's not! This experience today, like the first time I ran on the treadmill back in the Spring, was a PEAK experience (thank you, Alon, for reflecting that back to me - I didn't realize it at the time). I wanted to shout from the rooftop! I felt fully charged and alive in the moment! I felt completely amazing. Overtaken by beautiful emotion and my body's feedback. From joy and pride to struggle and frustration. It was all wrapped up in there. There was not enough space in the room to hold or express my full experience. It felt like I could lift a car of the ground if I had to. Yes! It was like that! This huge, amazing YES!! What mind-blowing energy to harness and behold! Wouldn't it be even more amazing if I could control that energy, instead of it controlling me? That's another topic to be explored further, later. I could not keep a lid on it! 

And Lori welcomed it all. Encouraged me to BREATH into it... to integrate. The somatic, neurological, and emotional integration that is still happening a year later - in moments like these - along with physical gains - completely astounds me. Blows me away. I am so grateful for those moments. I feel like I am experiencing life on this much grander scale, much more fully. I am aware of a much greater potential. It feel so cool! I am so grateful for my progress, to witness my truest self in moments of joy and frustration, and for my physical therapists (as well as my massage therapists - that's another story) who push me to new levels and show me the gateway to infinite potential, peace, excitement, joy!

The Darker Side of Me

Self-pity

Rehab is lonely

Being injured, different, damaged is lonely

My body doesn't work right

My body doesn't trust itself

My ankle is so swollen I can't see the bony parts

My knee looks deformed where the bone was crushed and reconstructed

I can't explain what this feels like, nobody knows it but me

I can't bend my leg into the "butterfly" stretch

I can't straighten my leg completely

It takes a really long time just to gain a few millimeters of extension when stretching

My foot is pronating in a new, weird way

I don't want to take another step

I have so much to do and I have to pace myself, I can't do it all right now

I'm done for today

I get to start again tomorrow, I'll be stronger then

What should I do for self care?
Refresh

Update: Week 11 - Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter:

In no other instance was this truer than a shared experience today during my first half hour of physical therapy with April and Alon.

I was bending at 116 degrees. We'd done it three, maybe four times. We'd been going for about 15 minutes or so, of bending and extending (straightening). Sharp pains increasing like daggers stabbing through the side of my knee. The knee began to tighten. Mentally I started to feel weak and tired. (I was actually tired going in - I think the oxycodone I took an hour before hand was making me feel fatigued. I may skip it next time, since the only time I seem to take them is right before PT). My hip was lifting off the table. Then I could only get to 110 degrees or so. Frustration and weakness set in. The tears began to fall. My breathing got short. April reminded me to stay calm and try not to get anxious or down on myself. Alon demonstrated deep inhales and exhales. I mimicked them.

"Don't let it get to you!" I thought to myself, then said it out loud. 

"Acknowledge the pain and fear and frustration, briefly. Then, tell yourself to RELAX."

"JUST RELAX." I repeated over and over out loud.

"It's okay. Calm down. Relax into the pain. You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Then, we got to 116. 118. 120!

I actually felt relaxed. My body was laying in a somewhat peaceful state. My mind was somewhat peaceful as well. The discomfort and tightness in my knee and quad was there, but it was not unbearable. I was talking. Taking long slow inhales and exhales. LAUGHING EVEN. We were making jokes of some kind. I think I said, "Let's do it for all the American Soldiers!" (Being that it was Veteran's Day.) I was half-joking (at least Alon & April laughed) but also trying to find any inspiration or distraction I could to KEEP GOING and OVERCOME.

Bent at 120 degrees we held this for about a minute. I relaxed and straightened the leg (always painful after bending like this). Then back to 120, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. I was absolutely amazed. My mind and heart and soul had overcome the mental and physical barriers of pain, fear, weakness, and frustration yet again. Right then in a matter of moments.

It was some kind of bliss seeping through a sieve of pain and frustration from sheer will and determination. I felt liberated.

Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin

Walking the razor's edge of fear, compassion and bravery

With great looking results from new tibia x-rays on Wednesday, optimism and good spirits still prevail in the Dupuis-Katz household!

Mornings or evening can be the toughest. It alternates because pain seemed to be at its worst as the afternoon/evening progressed for the last couple of weeks, but now pain seems to be subsiding overall. 

Yesterday morning and today were especially hard. I woke up just so damn soar and stiff all over, my low back feeling wrenched. I just wanted to jump out of my skin!

I breathed. I cried. I moaned. I breathed into the areas of pain, soreness, stiffness, discomfort... like they teach me in yoga. It kinda helped. I moved the CPM and lay flat on my back in bed. Savasana. 

I got up. I stretched. I lay down. I stretched. Spinal twists. Did PT. Made stuff up. Anything I could think of to relieve myself of these moments of discomfort.

Okay... that helped but I needed more. It had been almost 12 hours since my last medication dose, 7.5mg oxycodone/325mg Tylenol. See!? I'm doing better! So this morning I took 500mg of Tylenol and 5mg of oxycodone and 30 minutes later I was feeling "normal".

I talked to my sister, Bridget, for almost an hour and a half. We laughed and shared stories. She gave me advice and shared memories of her healing after her surgery about 9 years ago. I heard about her poor doggy's flee and dermatitis problems. I lay in bed, finally comfortable. With like four blankets on me (down, fleece, quilt, knit) because I was freezing with my ice pack on my knee for most of the night. Anyways, it all helped me feel BETTER.

Alon made me a beautiful breakfast... he has nearly every day, when someone else isn't here to help. Eggs, toast, tomatoes, cucumbers. Ahh. He is "the best in the west" my sister, Bridget, said. She is right! 

That all said, I cry at least twice a day. A lot of the time it feels like an emotional outpouring to regulate myself in a way. It might be dealing with some post-traumatic stuff, as folks say. It might be brought on by tiredness, inability to get and stay comfortable, or pain and soreness from one of my worst sprained ankles ever. The leg itself only has an occasional sharp shooting pain through the knee cap. I'm stretching the scar tissue on the CPM which is uncomfortable, but temporary. 

Mostly, I think, the teary moments are just from the sheer DESIRE and DETERMINATION to heal; the FEAR and the COMPASSION that are drawn so strongly out of me at times; the accompaniment of the PAIN and STRUGGLE and discovery of new INNER STRENGTH (bravery?) during physical therapy; and truly, the GRATITUDE I have for this body's ability to heal, my medical providers who continue to treat me with the the best of care, and my friends and loved ones, especially Alon, who continue to help me at every turn at all ours of the day and night.

Regarding PT, I am up to about 20 exercises per day I think. I haven't actually counted. I just had my last home PT visit from Deb yesterday. The exercises she has given me just keep adding up and I need to do them until I hit that 12 week mark (November 21st). This includes therapy for my left leg, foot and shoulder, since I fell pretty hard on it too and strength and range of motion have been compromised. In order to stay as strong and balanced as possible, I need to start throwing in exercises for the right side of the body too... sigh, it feels like a lot of work, but I'm going to get it all squared away this weekend I think.

My next step with PT is to make a spreadsheet.... since I miss doing them so much at work! This will allow me to track my daily progress... not have to think too much about what to do next... watch my ups and downs and give myself some recognition when I'm feeling beat or unmotivated. It will be similar to what I had going with my yoga schedule prior to the accident where I started with two classes per week and added a new class or two every three weeks.

Speaking of yoga, it's pretty cool what poses I've adapted to a walker! And what I've made up along the way just to get some good stretching in. Maybe I'll get Alon to take some pictures and post them here soon :-)

The morning today ended with a good dose of sunshine. I sat in the back yard, watching Ozy jump over rocks, hide, and hop through the grass chasing grass hoppers. She's all tired now and fast asleep in her bed next to Alon while he works. Anyways, I sat outside for about an hour, all propped up with a couple chairs and a few pillows, just taking it in. It was warm and good.

AND working on my short term disability paperwork with Gary, our HR Director at BCAP, over the phone. Alon scrambled this morning to pick up and drop off paperwork from the doctor's office to home to BCAP to home again. Let's hope that all goes through smoothly and quickly so I can at least get a portion (about 1/2) of my pay for the next couple of months while I recover at home.

Ooh! My left knee just "cracked" in the CPM! That was weird! Oh well, all is well I guess... that's just a new movement and sensation. Hm. Good I suppose!

E. Dupuis signing out... thanks for checking in again :-) xoxo