Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)

Being "The Client" & Personal Power

A few words to describe how I feel today: 

TIRED.

GRATEFUL.

HEALING.

This week has rather flown by in a busy sort of way. Alon and I met with the Care Manager of Homewatch Care Givers of Boulder County on Monday. We were both really impressed with this agency and the people we spoke with. I have since had three care givers come to my home this week: Suzanna, Pauline and Grace - all very charming in their own ways, helpful and hard working. And friends! Every day! So wonderful!

Scheduling the paid care givers, coupled with friends and coworkers stopping by has really made for a full week. Alon and I are still in the process of finding a balance between what we can do for ourselves and what we need help with and when. Regardless, everyone who has stepped through our door has provided comfort, companionship, entertainment, or help in some way that truly touches our hearts and relieves some stress... we are so grateful. Now all Alon & I need to figure out is how to get more than four hours of sleep per night.

Since taking the step to bring in professional care providers there have been several occasions where, in my mind, I have slipped into this place of "I am the client now". I am the one unable to do a lot of things or having to do things differently or having to ask for an inordinate amount of assistance. Really. And this isn't the moment for your interruptive thoughts to offer me an alternative, optimistic view point or boosting of spirits. These are just the facts. 

This feeling of BEING THE CLIENT happens when I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with a tray in front of me; tray balanced on my lap. With a towel between my plates and the tray so that nothing slides off. One care provider thought of that; brilliant. Food awkwardly scooped to my mouth. Drinking from a bendy straw. Making sure I am propped up enough with a zillion pillows to digest my food properly. Later, pushing myself to raise my voice to get my care provider's attention - to beckon for personal assistance nonetheless - while she cooks or cleans in the other room. This feeling of being a client happens while sitting out on the back patio. A friend follows behind me, carrying pillows and a blanket to make sure I'm comfortable on these small, wooden patio chairs. At least for a little I can change up the scenery (from bedroom or living room) and sit in the sun with the cool September air touching my skin. 

Thankfully, a wonderful friend said to me yesterday, after a long conversation about fear and will power, "Erin, you are of sound mind and you are brave." I just thought I'd interject that here so you don't think I've gone off the deep end or something :-)

Sometimes I reach for my cat, Ozy, who nonchalantly struts past me. Just her tail touches my hand, slipping through my fingers. I long to be her... for that freedom to stroll and strut, go in and out of someone's presence without a second thought as to how I made it there in the first place. 

I remember this exact "cat" behavior from a client I used to serve. He would just barely be able to reach his cat as the cat walked by his chair and had learned to bring her cat toys right up onto his lap so that he could play "fetch" with her. Ozy comes to me for treats. I am the treat master now. What a shock. This kitty of mine has so much freedom and strength and gentleness. I kind of think she is the epitome of balance and happiness. Yes, it's true... we all want to come back as a well-cared for house cat. I melt into the softness of Ozy's fur and the sweet kindness of her little cat body when she hops up and burrows into my lap to deliver her healing cat powers and love :-)

The other piece for me this week has been the sensation of PERSONAL POWER and EMPOWERMENT that can come from learning to ask for help and the actual act of asking for help and working with others to meet my needs (or the needs of Alon, the house, Ozy the cat, etc.). It's subtle... but it's there. Feeling empowered is something I've struggled with quite a bit in my life, for one reason or another. Haven't many of us? Whether it's personal, societal, relationship-based, financial, or whatever! It's been helpful to taste that empowerment in these certain situations... that SILVER LINING... how there is very much a sense of personal power in bringing people together to help one another or myself and even in being "unable to do" some things.

So without fail, this time in my life proves to be a time for PERSONAL GROWTH and HUMILITY. Nothing planned, nothing contrived, nothing forced... totally genuine and real. Complete respect for my body, myself and the people around me. Just as I had started to explain on my first blog post on the morning of August 26th. Just as things as started to roll out in January of this year... a great year of growth... who knew it would involve bone graphs?

Also, 4 weeks today since the accident marks 1/3 of the way to 12 weeks = the day I can walk on all two feet again! Who knows, maybe it will be sooner :-)