A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

237 days and counting...

What is like to recover from a major injury?

I am still on the path to FULL RECOVERY but I can confidently say I AM NO LONGER INJURED. I had a test today in Pilates. Some of you might think this is lame, if so, that's only because you are ignorant. Go take a Pilates Reformer class and you'll see. My one on one Pilates Reformer/Physical Therapy session was amazing. My Pilates instructor at Boulder Orthopedic, Lori (also a physical therapist there), informed me that my knee had full range of motion. I was doing everything an uninjured person would be able to do. She didn't say anything about building up strength because I was doing everything she put in front of me. I knew what felt different, tight, soar, wabbly, or a little weaker on one side but it didn't matter. I WAS DOING IT!!

Lori just kept pushing me and pushing me in a gentle, fluid sort of way. Before I knew it she said, "You're doing the most advanced Pilates moves."And it was no joke. I was balanced, poised, strong, amazing myself and giggling. I felt like a ballerina (who are also amazing!). None of it was planned; I just asked Lori to gauge where she thought I was at and introduce some new things. The experience was SO COOL!!! It made me want to go to a class and rock Pilates in front of people who had been doing it for 6 months or 6 years! If I can do it one on one I can do it. Period.

A week ago Wednesday (April 11th) I sat cross-legged for the first time. I casually sat down on the floor in my office as I was re-organizing (and my desktop computer happened to be on the floor!). I went easily into a cross-legged position. No torque on the knee, no funky juxtapostion. Just did it. Unconsciously. I began to cry. What a relief. What a moment. I couldn't believe it, but I could. I was so pleased. Aside from the hard work and pain I've gone through to get where I am, I attribute this latest success and milestone to some myofascial release work (a.k.a. Rolfing) that I had done with Nancy... (last name to come). She was a referral from my physical therapist April Smith. I had seen Nancy for the second time the Friday before (April 6th), where she intentionally worked on my hip and IT band for 75 MINTUES. It was INTENSE and amazing. And the results were so worth the trip! During that session, Nancy also palpated my scar for at least 10 minutes (felt like longer). It began to itch like nobody's business; like severe poison oak or ivy. Nancy replied, "Itching is a sign of healing!" And I said, "Well then, it's all better now! Holy shit, stop massaging and start scratching!!" Sighs of relief on many levels. Tomorrow I have another session with Nancy, making it 3 75-minute sessions in 5 weeks. I can't wait to tell her (SHOW HER!) the good news and I look forward to more progress and release - both physical and emotional. The body stores so much and releases so much too. It's so been worth it. Given financial constraints, I'll probably go to once per month or per six weeks for a little while now.

The financial piece has really been hard. Money has such an emotional and psychological connection to one's life. It has taken some deep discussions and figuring out and tangential fits to establish what is okay to spend money on and what is not. When it comes to health care and well being though, there really is no question of it being worth the investment. I figure, even if it has to go on a credit card and I feel it's in my best interest in the healing process, then stop worrying and just do it!! Fortunately, I have an amazing partner, Alon, who also sees my health and well-being as #1 (along with his own) and we can talk it out and manage our finances to adjust to the rising costs of health care in the last 7 months or so. We really are fortunate in so many ways. Alon continues to be nothing short of the most amazing person in my life (RIGHT AFTER YOU, MOM & DAD!). I'll never take him for granted. Ever. (I love him so much!!) Just like I'll never take for granted the ability to walk again.

I felt stupid yesterday when I had to stand up to stretch and said, "I can't walk. My legs are dead." I had worked out incredibly hard the day before doing about 1/2 hour of lunges and squats and plyometrics. My quads for all intents and purposes were completely exhausted and hurting. However, when I said "I can't walk" I felt like a complete asshole. OF COURSE I CAN WALK! I retracted my statement and said HOW GRATEFUL I WAS TO HAVE SOAR LEG MUSCLES. To get up and walk away from the conference table without hesitation, really. To know that I was soar from pushing my body to its limits the day before was another wakeful moment. 

Every day I cross the cross walk, or try to jog (haphazardly) to catch the bus, or simply step into the cages on my bike pedals to propel myself to the next destination I take a deep breath and acknowledge this amazing sense of gratitude for my body, for my health, for life's possibilities, for all the support I've had, the partnerships I've forged during my healing process, and all the challenges I've overcome and have yet to overcome. I really try to tell myself, if I feel rushed, that there is no need to rush. Be grateful for this moment. It is an important reminder! This has been an amazing journey.

6 Week Update: Medical, Emotional, Mental, & Physical

MEDICAL UPDATE:

Here are the bullet items from my appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Fulkerson, yesterday (Thursday 10/6/11):

• I experienced a BI-LATERAL tibial plateau fracture (TPF). This was new to me. I thought only the lateral side was crushed but the medial side had a huge fracture down the entire length, splitting it off into a triangular piece. I became fully aware of this on Thursday when Dr. Fulkerson, Alon and I looked at the pre-op x-rays together. This is the first time I had seen the pre-op x-rays - they were troubling and interesting to say the least.
• Medial: closer to the body's midline. Lateral: closer to the left (in my case) or right side of the body.
• There is a Roman Numeral scaling system for TPFs that goes from I-VI (least severe to most severe). When you have a bi-lateral TPF both sides of the plateau are fractured and you are in the range of IV to VI, based on my internet research and chatting with my doc. I was likely a V. Had both plateaus (instead of just the one) been crushed or broken off completely I would have been a VI and likely a candidate for a full knee replacement! Holy crap, right? Imagine if I came out of the operating room with a scar from mid thigh to mid shin and a truly bionic knee, not just a plate and a 6 screws? This new news, increasing the realization of the devastation of my injury and need for a major comeback scared me immensely and totally overwhelmed me. As I write this (one day later), I still feel scared and overwhelmed.
• My injury: The medial side of the tibial plateau was severely fractured (like the picture of the left knee in the link above) while the lateral side was severely crushed (just small pieces of bone fragment and chunks of cartilage flaking off - patches of cartilage gone for good) - the latter was the primary concern during surgery.
• Lateral TPF: This is the side that was crushed, bone graphed and plated. The top contour, from front to back, of the lateral side of the tibial plateau was congruous (smooth) which is great, yet still lower than the lateral side which is, well, not so great but not surprising. The surface formation was also good. Dr. Fulkerson's goal was to raise that crushed side up as much as possible to its original state using the bone graph and plates. She did her best, and a great job at that. It is what is now and she is satisfied with the outcome. My call to action now is to strengthen the crap out of my left leg so I'm not weak in that area and have less of a "knock-knee" (that she predicts).
• Medial TPF: This is the side that had the jagged break that created a triangle piece of broken bone. Looks like it's healing ok. No surface damage or crushed bone here like the other side. Still SHOCKED that this side was busted too... oh well!
• Other fractures: There were two fractures along the shaft of the tibia that were clean breaks and are healing if not healed by now. The fracture at the top of the fibula that connects to the lateral plateau: same. 
• Weight-bearing: The non-weight bearing issue is basically related to the crushed plateau and how quickly that heals. It is possibly that I might be weight-bearing at ten weeks instead of twelve. Exciting! We'll see at my next follow up appointment in four weeks (Nov. 7th), which will be the ten week mark.
• Ligaments: The meniscus tear was in the back on the medial side. Dr. Fulkerson said she had to cut some of it in order to do the repair. She said there was an avulsion of the meniscus. The ACL, as I mentioned before, was not visibly torn, but instead tore off with a piece of bone attached to it. She gently, accurately placed the puzzle back together and is hoping for a complete recovery. She said it is possible that there were micro tears in the ACL, but of course impossible for her to tell since she is an awesome orthopedic surgeon but does not have microscopic vision. At this point, there is no way of knowing how either ligament is healing. We'll know more as I go through the physical therapy, etc.
• Physical therapy: I received a prescription from Dr. Fulkerson to start out patient physical therapy next week (exciting and scary!), one to two times a week until they can progress me to more visits per week. Part of me is thinking "Well, it's about a 3 mile walk to PT. I wonder when I can do that?" Then, a friend or loved one gives me this stare down like "You're crazy. Give it time." And I am reminded to "be in the moment!".
• Prognosis: Overall, Dr. Fulkerson is "reasonably optimistic" that I will make a "near full recovery". So that's about the best news you can get from the mouth of a reasonably cautious, very talented doctor.
• There is no additional surgery needed at this time. My assumption is, sometimes there could be additional surgery at this time if someone is healing properly. I have been encouraged to bend my knee as much as possible to avoid having surgery to "scope out scar tissue". Yuck. I am currently bending at about 85 degrees, but could go to 90 with an extra dose of courage (much needed at this point!). My goal is to advance my range of motion (ROM) by about 5 degrees every day. We have a new technique for this (see "gravitational flexion" below).

PHYSICAL/MENTAL/EMOTIONAL UPDATE:

So speaking of bending my knee. I am feeling very disconnected from this part of my body right now. I have been feeling this way for the last few days. Disconnected from my left leg in general. For six weeks I have been lifting my leg with both hands in and out of the brace or on and off the CPM when necessary or up onto a bucket to rest when I go pee, as if I was a paraplegic. This is incredibly frightening. The entire experience.

Yesterday, with Dr. Fulkerson we tested my range of motion in this way, Gravitational Flexion: sit up on the examination table, scoot to the end so that the knee is past the edge of the table. Brace removed, Dr. Fulkerson rests the heel of my left foot in one of her hands with her other hand supporting near the top of my calf. My leg is now out in the open air, supported solely by this woman, who I thought I felt trust and respect for. However, I was scared. My reaction to this test: I start to cry, shake, hyperventilate, tell to her stop, ask her what she is going to do next. NOTHING BUT FEAR. So much fear came over me: it felt like someone was pushing me out of an airplane with no parachute. 

Dr. Fulkerson immediately identified with what I was feeling. Told me it was understandable and reasonable, that she would probably react the same way AND that FEAR was going to be my biggest obstacle right now and then I HAD to get through it/over it. It was an earful - but she was right! Yes, I need to listen to my body (and I do) but the mind is a powerful thing that has the ability to convince of something that is not true or prevent me from progress, in this case. We talked about how my leg would not snap off and break in half, that the plateau fractures would not get re-injured in this way, and that I was okay and I was going to get through this.

We graduated to a bent leg of 75 degrees, off the edge of the table, allowing gravity to do it's work. It was actually easy in a sense. There was NO PAIN, only fear. 

The mental trip was this: I was dangling my limbs off the edge of Half Dome (a 2000 foot flat faced rock at Yosemite National Park - a favorite spot for experienced rock climbers - otherwise a place to embrace one's fear of heights reconciled by natural beauty). Dr. Fulkerson said I could likely bend to 90 degrees right then but she thought she had traumatized me enough. We both laughed! I said, "We could try 90," with like ZERO conviction. She said NO and slowly raised me back up to 180 degrees. Where I kind of shuffled to get back into my security blanket, the leg brace.

So I think I have some stuff to work with!

Alon had his hand on my back the whole time I was with Dr. Fulkerson. I could feel his gentleness and strength right there coming through his hand. It reminded me of a Hakomi (type of psychotherapy practice) workshop exercise I had done with a partner, where the precise placement of a gentle hand on someone's back can fulfill a need and provide the exact comfort one desires. Alon somehow knew exactly where and how to place his hand. I imagine the experience might have practically brought him to tears watching me, but he seemed okay. Alon shared later that I made a huge step toward normalcy today and that I was very strong overcoming more fear and uncertainty and re-discovering ability! Yay! for positive reinforcement!

I do have some leg muscles left; coupled with desire and will power. I am able to do leg lifts and slides much more easily than before and so I have been trying to shift my behavior from this assisted lifting with my hands to mindful, coordinated action of: engage the core, tighten the glutes, tighten the quad, flex the toes, lift the leg. Go. Annnnd REST. There is no question that this process is tiring, frustrating, strengthening, and courageous. Whether I'm doing some sort of necessary bodily function or activity (like walking or bathing) or doing PT or modified yoga poses, THIS extreme attentiveness is what it looks and feels like. Eventually, it will all become second nature again and I can bend my leg more and do things with but for now I have to be completely present with whatever action I need my left leg to do or it won't happen or I risk hurting myself. 

Despite all this, despite my modified yoga poses in the sunshine in the backyard which give me a few moments of bliss and accelerated heart rate... I still feel very disconnected from my leg, from my body. It sucks. It's depressing. It's scary. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I feel lost and overwhelmed right now. I balled my eyes out this morning, soaking the shoulder of Alon's t-shirt with my tears. Alon and my care provider, Pauline, agreed after that moment that I've been so strong and positive up to this point, it's okay to be in this space, in fact, it is NORMAL in my situation to be exactly where I am right now, emotionally. Not the normal I want but the normal I've got! So, okay... I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take one day or moment at a time, and breath in all the loving support that my friends, family, co-workers, care providers, strangers, and neighbors have to offer.

Alon, my love and support and sanity and saving grace through all of this assures me that I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and that I'm healing great, even the doctor said so! 

The other night when I was going to bed all could think about was the bi-lateral fracture. So I needed a way to get out of the negative thoughts and into the positive. I asked Alon to give me something else to think about and he said, "Think about your muscles and how strong they are going to be." He's also said that I can probably put a 70 pound pack on and go back packing in the back country again someday. That these activities are not off limits. And I soon drifted off to sleep, thinking of my soon to be Wonder Woman figure :-)

There will be days when I'm climbing up hill both ways in a blizzard and then there will be days when the wind is at my back. Nevermind DAYS. Try MOMENTS. Moments in my day when the "wind is at my back"... these are the things I need to try harder to keep track of and relish in, and to talk about and think about. Like all the positive aspects of physical therapy and being around all these people who love and support me (and Alon).

Each of us experience our share of suffering, loss, challenge and chaos. What about the moments when we truly feel supported, at ease, progressing, and happy? Whether those feelings come from within or surround me in my immediate environment, this is a difficult time in my life where it is imperative to deeply acknowledge those good feelings which can put that wind back in my sail propelling me through the rougher patches of open water.

Thanks everyone for taking this journey with me on my blog; and I hope some one else with injuries or challenges like mine find my sharing of my experience helpful in some way. I know I have gotten a lot out of the stories you all have shared with me recently in relationship to past injuries and recoveries you've made. Our bodies and minds are amazing! Love to you all!