Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

Yes!

159.8 pounds. A number I am proud of. Somehow my new yoga practice and mindful eating is really paying off. Not just in pounds but in attitude, in love for life, in ability to let go, be honest, and see things in a new light.

In one word I feel: WONDERFUL.

Eight months ago, January - something - 2011... my boyfriend and I set out on on a mindful eating regimen. Diet if you must, but I prefer mindful eating regimen. Yes, so that is what we did. The books we read included: The 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferriss and Engine 2 Diet by Rip Esselstyn. I gotta say two great books, two very different approaches. First 30 days were dedicated to the approach dictated in The 4 Hour Body. My binge day, Saturday, my first binge day... was INSANE. After 6 days of meat, fish, spinach, kale, broccoli, beans, hot sauce, lemon water and green tea - I had lost about 3 1/2 pounds. Binge day was pancakes, butter, syrup, eggs, butter, toast, butter, marmalade, juice, coffee. Aaaand... a 5 hour sugar crash nap followed by the worst hangover ever... I mean UP there with early 20's binge drinking hangovers. Prior to that day, the week was a little difficult, but I felt healthy, clear-headed, and overall satisfied as I began to monitor and change what my body actually required in terms of caloric intake to stay energetic. 

Needless to say, I was reluctant to embrace the next binge day with such fervor. The sugar withdrawal was by far the worst part of this diet, and the sugar binge was equally as horrifying. It was obvious I needed to cut back on sugar in some ways. But how?

We do the 4 Hour Body diet for about 22 days in January/February. I lose 10 pounds. I keep it off. Yay.

March/April roll around and my beloved and I agree to embark upon another foodie adventure, with Rip Esselstyn in the driver's seat. We went vegan + eggs. We even eliminated oils for whatever reason - they are "just not worth it" in Rip's eyes. You want healthy vegetable fats, then eat avocados. So we did. This diet was nice, but the recipes were actually quite a bit of work. We derived some decent fundamental thoughts - like keep your veggie intake HIGH - and experimented with some fun salad dressings sans oil. So that was all nice and good. And fruits - I ate as much fruit as my little sweet tooth desired. That part was bliss. No juices though - just the real thing.

May/June rolls around and I have witnessed myself in a dieter's dilemma. What the hell am I supposed to eat? What do I want? What makes me feel good and satisfied at the same time? This caused me much stress, and I actually found myself eating LESS overall and feeling increasingly frustrated by food.

This was sad to me. I loved food. I grew up in a house that loved food. My Mom is a great chef and baker. It runs through to me and my siblings too. At this point I was just worn out from trying all these different foods, recipes and eating regimens. I think I blacked out part of this experience because I don't really remember how I handled it in the end... other than just telling myself to relax and you'll figure it out.

July. The middle of blissful summer. My partner and I have just moved into a beautiful, quiet 1920s cottage just east of downtown Boulder with a gorgeous garden to boot. I feel strong and energetic and clear-headed and ready to take on life again. I am seeing a Shiatsu healer as well as a Thai masseuse. Despite feeling content mentally, my physical body is screaming at me. Lower gastrointestinal problems. Need I say more. Chest pain. Lower back pain. SUCKS. I see my MD – IBS she says. She prescribes an antispasmodic. And there I go, off on another food finding mission.

Goodbye caffeine (chocolate, coffee, green tea)… goodbye dairy (yogurt, cheese),.. goodbye gluten. Didn’t you know that Siliac’s Disease is contagious in Boulder? You don’t actually need a blood test here, you just need to know someone who actually has it, or pass them on the street.

Okay, so my body is HIGHLY sensitive to these foods and substances. I attend a Shiatsu healing session. One a week for three weeks actually. Then every other week and I am still going (on week 8 now). I remember this helped tremendously when I had a similar experience after my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Dale says “liver deficiency, spleen and stomach imbalances”.  We treat. I take prescribed Chinese herbs. I am feeling better. Two months into it all. I am still caffeine, dairy, and gluten free. And my body is thanking me. I can relax a bit and enjoy my garbanzo bean and tapioca flour-based seedy breads.

I start yoga on Sunday, July 10^th. I create for myself a 10 week doable yoga schedule. I kick it off with Restorative Yoga. It is nothing short of awesome and restorative. I hit hot yoga again on Tuesday night. I knew I loved hot yoga from classes at my past gym, which inspired me (months later) to join a yoga studio that offered many hot yoga classes. I felt great, and sweated like nobody’s business. It was easy to lose weight in the form of water with this regimen.

I ate. I felt hydrated. Dale, my Shiatsu healer, advises I try the caveman diet. Meat and veggies. This wasn’t hard because I had been craving meat lately, and already ate a lot of salads and other veggies. I felt satisfied. Cooking and grocery shopping were easy. Ahhh... sigh of relief.

I stopped my birth control medicine. Continued the Chinese herbs for my tummy/spleen/stomach imbalances. Had my first period in like 3 months. And was losing fat and gaining muscle. My energy and mood are stabilizing.

So that’s the short of it. The intro to my new life. Yoga. Shiatsu. Thia massage. Meat. Veggies. Free of caffeine, dairy, and gluten. Oh, and I left out COMMUTER BIKING. How could I forget that?!

In May 2011, I sold my Boulder-iconic Subaru Outback wagon. Kissed it goodbye. It was a conscious lifestyle change. One of the best decisions of my life! Living in downtown Boulder makes it all very doable. I bike everyday to and from work, to get groceries, to the movie theater, to the creek, etc. My boyfriend has joined me, though he still co-owns a car with a friend. A few miles a day on bike makes a huge difference in the way I see life, the way I experience it, the way I approach challenges, and my physical and mental fitness are improving. Cycling brings light into my day and strength into my heart.

And so, this morning, a sunny late August day. Two days before my birthday actually. I hop of the scale. 159.8. BMI going down too. Yes! After a reggae Core Power Yoga 1 class, a couple cookies, a piece of pie and a late dinner (BBQ chicken, cucumbers, and tomatoes) the night before: this is what I am blessed with. This is the first time I have weighed under 160 pounds in over a decade. And I feel strong and good about it.

Obsessed with weight? No. Just proud of the fact that my physical health is improving without it feeling like a chore or confusing, and my mental and spiritual health are improving right along with it.