Contemplation & Change

My contemplation lately has been about courage, consciousness, creativity, and compassion. These are my gateways to change (another C word), which, for me, truly starts from within. What do these words mean to you? 

I refuse to get caught in the flurry; the hustle and bustle side of life. Jumping from one thing to the next - be it an idea, a job, a home, a relationship, an academic program, project, or hobby. I want to make solid, meaningful steps on my path. I like dreamers and visionaries, and I like being a dreamer too. But there is a middle path I am starting to get more in touch with where the dreamer meets the road and walks confidently on the path ahead. So far, I am getting the results I want while being somewhat insanely and stubbornly conscious in this newish way. What are the results? One is about being a better friend to myself. This is like pressing stop and rewind over and over again to catch that mysterious lyric you can just barely decipher. Each time, getting clearer information and coming to a deeper understanding of what it is that is being said. Judging less, loving more. Simplifying my life. Following my heart and serving my community while supporting myself on all levels (financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, mental). Having honest conversations with people. Going for what I want; taking a leap of faith! Clarity is on the horizon as I embrace living from an even deeper internal center rather than an external focus.

Creating the life I want means coming from a place of genuine truth. As I encourage myself to speak, live, behave, and feel more of my personal truth, I get closer to my core truth, to my truest self. I start to question, let go of, and change ideas, behaviors, thought patterns, identities, and even relationships (to people, places, ideas or things) that do not serve or suit me any longer. I embrace change. I accept and love myself. I recognize the stuff that I have an aversion to which is simultaneously giving me some very important messages. What am I supposed to do but slow down and listen? What do I learn but to accept IT. I thereby accept some newly conscious part of myself. Then, I learn to love IT. Thereby loving some newly conscious part of myself. Then, a change follows. Some part of my internal world shifts and most likely a part of my external world shifts too, whether it is something in my physical world or a shift in my perspective thereby altering how I see the world.

My mantras:
   Be courageous. Be conscious. Create. Be compassionate.
          Be CURIOUS!
                   EMBRACE CHANGE WITH A SMILE.
                           Live the life I want...
                                    

"Be the change you [I] wish to see in the world".  -Ghandi

 

Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

I will never again take for granted the ability to walk!

It has been exactly 99 DAYS since my bike accident and surgery. In just the past couple of days I have been able to go without any walking assistance (no crutches) about 50% of the time, still wearing my brace. What a great break through!

At physical therapy today I showed April how I could walk down the hall, in my shuffle sort of way. She took the crutch away from me and said... "Get going! Last room on the right." So just a few hours ago there I was walking, no crutches and without my brace for the very first time. I actually felt really strong without the brace. It was liberating. I don't feel this way in the morning - and sometimes during the middle of the day, I feel so weak and tired and painful that I can hardly bear another step. But tonight I did a little dance (like waving my arms in the air) for April as I strutted down the hall to the examination room. After our bending session (where I went to 122 degrees), I raced April to the bike to start my work out. I flew through my PT routine in about 1 hour (versus the regular 2), iced up, and went and met friends for drinks!

Last weekend I watched people walk across the crosswalk at a nearby intersection while Alon and I sat outside Atlas cafe drinking tea. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought most of them take walking for granted. I was sad and mad and jealous. I'm never again going to take walking for granted. I swear it. I'll remember this experience and all these emotions for the rest of my life. Walking carefree and being "able-bodied" is such a gift.

All week my coworkers have watched me go up and down the couple of stairs to the back entrance of our building. Cautiously move around the building with more ease. Go a few more feet every day with one crutch, then no crutches. Venture up a flight of stairs to the second floor for the first time in several months. Walk from my office to the front lobby without any assistance. Every moment I walked another step on my own, I really relished in the moment. Every time I took a step was a diligent, tireless, purposeful effort of reminding myself to engage my leg muscles, flex my quad, straighten my back, engage my core, touch my heel to the ground, straighten the knee, push off the toe, bend the knee, plant the heel again. Tighten the muscles. STEP. Repeat. My walking has turned into a mindfulness practice, and it's been truly amazing.

Last night I coordinated with Alon to make us some smoothies for dinner. My coworker Jenny would drive me home from work at 5:30. Alon and I would scurry off to the gym for one hour, then we'd make it - albeit 40 minutes late - to the BCAP Annual World AIDS Day Concert at First United Methodist Church. The coordinated effort was critical and we pulled it off! As we slowwwly walked across the icy parking lot to the church at 7:35. That was an awesome effort!

The last couple of days have been particularly sketchy as we have had very cold temperatures, snow, and most walkways and roads hardened with slick ice last night and this morning. Everyone who saw me out and about said with a loving, cautious tone, "PLEASE be careful." And I was. I walked out of my house this morning to start the car as Alon was finishing up something inside. We were about to head out together. As I stood on the curb getting ready to step down into the street this morning and start the car, the reflection of glaring ice stopped me. I felt doubt, discouragement, and then, most of all rationality. This experience has made the most obvious EVEN clearer. I poked the ice on the road a couple times with my crutches and decided that I couldn't take the step knowing I would be safe. It would be pushing the limits. I was reluctant, yet I stood there with my head down, just staring, wondering if I could do it, HOW I could do it. I decided I couldn't do it without help. Mind and body fought for a while, but my body knew more than my mind. My ego reared it's head and then was cast aside. I still stood there, contemplating, staring at the ground - wishing for an alternate reality yet knowing the truth - until I was ready to turn around to go back inside and wait for Alon.

Just then Jenny drove by. Sweet little southern gal. What timing. She always drives by my house on her way to work in the morning, but I'd never actually seen her unless she was stopping to pick me up. Well, by golly, there she was! She put on the brakes just a bit past me and pulled over, rolled down her window, and yelled, "Hey Erin, do you need help?!" To which I replied, "Yes, I'm going back inside to get Alon!" "Ok. See you at the office!" Jenny yelled back. "Sounds good, thanks!" I said.

It's really hard to ask for help but if you listen REALLY carefully you know WHEN... and listen even more carefully and you know HOW and WHO to go to. It's amazing to me the friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers who have come together for me lately to be my support team when I need it. To say to myself, "I can do a lot of things, but I CAN'T do this on my own" without feeling some sense of defeated self-worth is really difficult to come to terms with. But when I'm surrounded by people who just want to see me succeed and be happy, everything seems okay again. My decision by the curb this morning felt rational, solid, and self-assured. I knew I didn't want to get hurt or take a risk that could ultimately result in injury or set back. The love and support of those around me and those whom I hold in my heart help empower me to make the right decision. I acknowledged that I needed help, I sat with it - literally, as I stood there holding my crutches and stared at the ground without moving. Jenny reminded me that it's okay to ask for help. And I knew I could always count on Alon's patience, kindness, help, and loving understanding - even for the simplest of things. Even when he doesn't realize how awesome and helpful he is, he's that much more amazing to me.

This last week in particular there have been several times when I have felt strong and weak, tired yet determined all at the same time. When someone asks me if I have pain, I've learned to craft my answers in such a way that allows my body and mind a chance to respond genuinely and for "both" to be acknowledged. For instance, "Yes, I feel pain in my foot like I'm walking on a sprained ankle but the more I walk on it, the more blood flow it gets and the quicker it will heal. My quad feels weak and my knee is swollen and stiff, so I can't take a long normal stride but I CAN walk a little bit. See?" I'm where I'm supposed to be. I just need to keep working out and trying to walk and tell myself to walk even when I don't want to anymore. 

Life is really that simple: ONE STEP AT A TIME - while every step seems simple it is a challenge (to some degree) and requires the utmost dedication or else it simply will not happen.

Responses to "Return to Work"

I think it is important that I share the two comments below that I received by email this past week from two loved and trusted people in my life. They are spot on and fill in thoughts and feelings where I may have trailed off (in my mind). I really appreciate the support and love that surrounds me while I walk along this bumpy path. These people (amongst others) really do complete me as a person. Thank you for telling me to chill out sometimes and for bringing things into perspective!

Comment #1
"With regards to your people at work I'd say: focus on YOU!  As you know, people respond in a variety of ways to challenging situations (i.e. fear, over-care-taking, awkwardness, pity, trying to cover their own asses in terms of liability yada, yada...).  You never know exactly why it is that people say what they do, how they do, when they do.

Just be clear about what your intentions are for next week, do your best, listen to your body and take breaks/"call it a day" when you need to. If you feel good and have energy, then keep on truckin' - to hell what everybody else thinks!! Let others' comments, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc. go by the way side for now.  If there are repeating patterns that come up again and again with the same person over the coming weeks, then I'd day sure, go ahead and bring it up/address it. Otherwise, my council is to forget about this level of analysis for now and focus on what your goals are, how you know you are feeling/doing and what you know you want/need to do. Make all this clear to others and let them deal with their own doubts/fears/issues..." C.F.

Comment #2

"You got it girl, always good to hear from you. Good job!  Have a great time back at work, that schedule sounds good :) I think getting your mind off yourself and back onto your job is gonna be great. You will love the new energy and business I bet, and you will sleep good at night!

Have fun and good luck, my sisterly advice is try not to confuse peoples concern, compassion, or wanting to help with pity or fear, ok? There is definitely a big difference... Remember over the years how compassionate you have been to others, even to people you never met before! You would have never wanted them confusing your compassion for anything else right? So give them a chance, let them care for you, it's ok, You would do the same for a coworker if it was reversed.

So be patient with people and just keep your heart open, soak it in, you will do great!! I'm not sure what happened there, or what conversations you have had with coworkers recently, I wasn't there, but to me it doesn't seem like the type of work place or community that would hinder your progress or productivity, so try not to worry to much, ok pal. Just reeeelax." B.B.

Yes!

159.8 pounds. A number I am proud of. Somehow my new yoga practice and mindful eating is really paying off. Not just in pounds but in attitude, in love for life, in ability to let go, be honest, and see things in a new light.

In one word I feel: WONDERFUL.

Eight months ago, January - something - 2011... my boyfriend and I set out on on a mindful eating regimen. Diet if you must, but I prefer mindful eating regimen. Yes, so that is what we did. The books we read included: The 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferriss and Engine 2 Diet by Rip Esselstyn. I gotta say two great books, two very different approaches. First 30 days were dedicated to the approach dictated in The 4 Hour Body. My binge day, Saturday, my first binge day... was INSANE. After 6 days of meat, fish, spinach, kale, broccoli, beans, hot sauce, lemon water and green tea - I had lost about 3 1/2 pounds. Binge day was pancakes, butter, syrup, eggs, butter, toast, butter, marmalade, juice, coffee. Aaaand... a 5 hour sugar crash nap followed by the worst hangover ever... I mean UP there with early 20's binge drinking hangovers. Prior to that day, the week was a little difficult, but I felt healthy, clear-headed, and overall satisfied as I began to monitor and change what my body actually required in terms of caloric intake to stay energetic. 

Needless to say, I was reluctant to embrace the next binge day with such fervor. The sugar withdrawal was by far the worst part of this diet, and the sugar binge was equally as horrifying. It was obvious I needed to cut back on sugar in some ways. But how?

We do the 4 Hour Body diet for about 22 days in January/February. I lose 10 pounds. I keep it off. Yay.

March/April roll around and my beloved and I agree to embark upon another foodie adventure, with Rip Esselstyn in the driver's seat. We went vegan + eggs. We even eliminated oils for whatever reason - they are "just not worth it" in Rip's eyes. You want healthy vegetable fats, then eat avocados. So we did. This diet was nice, but the recipes were actually quite a bit of work. We derived some decent fundamental thoughts - like keep your veggie intake HIGH - and experimented with some fun salad dressings sans oil. So that was all nice and good. And fruits - I ate as much fruit as my little sweet tooth desired. That part was bliss. No juices though - just the real thing.

May/June rolls around and I have witnessed myself in a dieter's dilemma. What the hell am I supposed to eat? What do I want? What makes me feel good and satisfied at the same time? This caused me much stress, and I actually found myself eating LESS overall and feeling increasingly frustrated by food.

This was sad to me. I loved food. I grew up in a house that loved food. My Mom is a great chef and baker. It runs through to me and my siblings too. At this point I was just worn out from trying all these different foods, recipes and eating regimens. I think I blacked out part of this experience because I don't really remember how I handled it in the end... other than just telling myself to relax and you'll figure it out.

July. The middle of blissful summer. My partner and I have just moved into a beautiful, quiet 1920s cottage just east of downtown Boulder with a gorgeous garden to boot. I feel strong and energetic and clear-headed and ready to take on life again. I am seeing a Shiatsu healer as well as a Thai masseuse. Despite feeling content mentally, my physical body is screaming at me. Lower gastrointestinal problems. Need I say more. Chest pain. Lower back pain. SUCKS. I see my MD – IBS she says. She prescribes an antispasmodic. And there I go, off on another food finding mission.

Goodbye caffeine (chocolate, coffee, green tea)… goodbye dairy (yogurt, cheese),.. goodbye gluten. Didn’t you know that Siliac’s Disease is contagious in Boulder? You don’t actually need a blood test here, you just need to know someone who actually has it, or pass them on the street.

Okay, so my body is HIGHLY sensitive to these foods and substances. I attend a Shiatsu healing session. One a week for three weeks actually. Then every other week and I am still going (on week 8 now). I remember this helped tremendously when I had a similar experience after my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Dale says “liver deficiency, spleen and stomach imbalances”.  We treat. I take prescribed Chinese herbs. I am feeling better. Two months into it all. I am still caffeine, dairy, and gluten free. And my body is thanking me. I can relax a bit and enjoy my garbanzo bean and tapioca flour-based seedy breads.

I start yoga on Sunday, July 10^th. I create for myself a 10 week doable yoga schedule. I kick it off with Restorative Yoga. It is nothing short of awesome and restorative. I hit hot yoga again on Tuesday night. I knew I loved hot yoga from classes at my past gym, which inspired me (months later) to join a yoga studio that offered many hot yoga classes. I felt great, and sweated like nobody’s business. It was easy to lose weight in the form of water with this regimen.

I ate. I felt hydrated. Dale, my Shiatsu healer, advises I try the caveman diet. Meat and veggies. This wasn’t hard because I had been craving meat lately, and already ate a lot of salads and other veggies. I felt satisfied. Cooking and grocery shopping were easy. Ahhh... sigh of relief.

I stopped my birth control medicine. Continued the Chinese herbs for my tummy/spleen/stomach imbalances. Had my first period in like 3 months. And was losing fat and gaining muscle. My energy and mood are stabilizing.

So that’s the short of it. The intro to my new life. Yoga. Shiatsu. Thia massage. Meat. Veggies. Free of caffeine, dairy, and gluten. Oh, and I left out COMMUTER BIKING. How could I forget that?!

In May 2011, I sold my Boulder-iconic Subaru Outback wagon. Kissed it goodbye. It was a conscious lifestyle change. One of the best decisions of my life! Living in downtown Boulder makes it all very doable. I bike everyday to and from work, to get groceries, to the movie theater, to the creek, etc. My boyfriend has joined me, though he still co-owns a car with a friend. A few miles a day on bike makes a huge difference in the way I see life, the way I experience it, the way I approach challenges, and my physical and mental fitness are improving. Cycling brings light into my day and strength into my heart.

And so, this morning, a sunny late August day. Two days before my birthday actually. I hop of the scale. 159.8. BMI going down too. Yes! After a reggae Core Power Yoga 1 class, a couple cookies, a piece of pie and a late dinner (BBQ chicken, cucumbers, and tomatoes) the night before: this is what I am blessed with. This is the first time I have weighed under 160 pounds in over a decade. And I feel strong and good about it.

Obsessed with weight? No. Just proud of the fact that my physical health is improving without it feeling like a chore or confusing, and my mental and spiritual health are improving right along with it.