Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

"Body Practice vs. Mind Practice": An Article from Elephant Journal

Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind: Connecting Yoga and Buddhism

By Michael Stone

Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/11/freeing-the-body-freeing-the-mind-connecting-yoga-and-buddhism/

How can we use the body to study the mind, and work with the mind through the body?

Over the years, I’ve found it increasingly frustrating that Yoga is continually reduced to “a body practice” and Buddhism “a mind practice.” This makes no sense to me. Anyone who has practiced deeply in both traditions knows that the Buddha gave attention to the body, Patanjali the mind, and that both traditions value ethical precepts and commitments as the foundation of an appropriate livelihood. I organize a community in Toronto called Centre of Gravity Sangha, a thriving group of people interested in integrating Yoga and Buddhist practices.

In the Buddha’s teachings, the body is used as the primary object of meditation, so that one can study the universe not through books or theory but through one’s subjective experience. Likewise the Yoga postures, when practiced with breathing and sensitivity, become opportunities for deep meditative insight because they are designed to calm the nervous system. This grounds us. When we move within the various shapes of the yoga poses and tune into the internal energetic patterns of our breath, we are working the habits of mind as well. Though the Yoga postures we practice in modern Yoga studios have obvious therapeutic benefits at physiological levels, some teachers and schools seem to have forgotten how the postures also teach us how to work with the mind. And for most of us, our troubles are not simply in the body – primarily, trouble is in the mind. How can we use the body to study the mind and work with the mind through the body? By experiencing how the two are completely interrelated.

There is a fundamental affinity between mind practices and body practices. Think of them both as curves in a grand mandala that continually spirals in, on, and through itself with no beginning or end. When I work deeply with my mind, I only do so by giving attention to the body: I witness its processes, from breathing to listening or seeing. The same is true when I study the intricate holding patterns in the web of my body (called koshas in Sanskrit); I end up seeing where my mind sticks, where it can’t focus, where it gets caught in refrains of old tape loops. What I thought was “body” is mostly mental. The Buddha says “Leave the body in the body.” When the Buddha teaches mindfulness practices, he begins with the bare awareness of body.

“The old Indian practice of Yoga,” writes scholar Karen Armstrong, “meant that people became dissatisfied with a religion that concentrated on externals. Sacrifice and liturgy were not enough: they wanted to discover the inner meaning of these rites.”Turning inward means taking responsibility for the spiritual path by focusing on the microcosm of reality that exists in the body’s functioning in this and every moment. Although yogic practices can supposedly be traced back some five thousand years, and although yogins have described their paths and discoveries in very different terms depending on their respective cultural vocabulary, they all share the same common focus: the body is the primary object of meditative inquiry.

 

When we begin by taking care of the body and paying attention to its workings, we find ourselves focusing the mind, settling the breath, and learning much more about the nature of reality than we’d know by extroverted thinking alone. There are some things we just can’t figure out with ordinary thinking.

Just resting in feeling the sense of the body without any notions or concepts, we begin to tune in to the glorious operation of the natural world that is only available to a quiet mind. Of course, the mind is not separate from the body in any way – it is just a seamless continuation of the sense organs. We begin with the body because it is always present – it is the very apparatus we need to receive and explore any corner of the natural world. We use “the mind” to explore “the body,” but as we get closer and quieter, we come to see that mind and body are inseparable. The seeker Uddalaka in the Yoga Vashista, a story that interweaves Yoga and Buddhist philosophy, enters a remote practice place and begins practicing Yoga. After some time he exclaims,

Just as the silkworm spins its cocoon and gets caught in it, you have woven the web of your concepts and are caught in them.
. . . There is no such thing as mind. I have carefully investigated, I have observed everything from the tips of my toes to the top of my head: and I have not found anything of which I could say: This is who I am.

If we approach Yoga practices simply through books and words, and not direct contact with the physical and material reality of the body and breath, all we are left with is conceptual scaffolding. We can’t know these practices from the outside. They were never meant to be mere philosophy or codified ritual. Knowing about practice is not enough: we must drop our “knowing” and feel our way into present experience by seeing things clearly. By seeing, the old yogis are not referring to the eyes but to what the Zen tradition calls “the true dharma eye” — the eye that sees without clinging, without sculpting, without allowing what is seen to get stuck into the web of like or dislike. The spirit of Yoga and Buddhism embodies a radical approach to human experience — we begin practice through paying attention to what is here in this moment. Each and every one of us can wake up without needing to adopt a new ideology or belief system. When we return to present experience through the sense organs themselves — eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin, and mind — we enter the freedom of this very moment, and the old paths of the yogis come alive here and now. There is no freedom in just repeating the words and rituals of the old masters — we must express freedom and interdependence through the action of our whole being and community through mind, body, and speech.

Every morning we wake up under the same bright northern star the Buddha saw when he awoke one dawn in his early thirties. Every moment we breathe the same molecules of air that once nourished Santideva, Dogen, Thich Nhat Hanh, your parents and their parents. Perhaps practice also fulfills our responsibility to the yogi-poets and wanderers who long ago struggled with aging bodies, unreliable thoughts, and an imperfect culture. They took great care in putting together words and phrases to articulate their path: they tried to leave maps for us, so we can enter way life happens in a way that motivates us to meet reality in an embodied and creative way.

Michael Stone is author of Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind. Visit him online at Centre of Gravity.

Walking the razor's edge of fear, compassion and bravery

With great looking results from new tibia x-rays on Wednesday, optimism and good spirits still prevail in the Dupuis-Katz household!

Mornings or evening can be the toughest. It alternates because pain seemed to be at its worst as the afternoon/evening progressed for the last couple of weeks, but now pain seems to be subsiding overall. 

Yesterday morning and today were especially hard. I woke up just so damn soar and stiff all over, my low back feeling wrenched. I just wanted to jump out of my skin!

I breathed. I cried. I moaned. I breathed into the areas of pain, soreness, stiffness, discomfort... like they teach me in yoga. It kinda helped. I moved the CPM and lay flat on my back in bed. Savasana. 

I got up. I stretched. I lay down. I stretched. Spinal twists. Did PT. Made stuff up. Anything I could think of to relieve myself of these moments of discomfort.

Okay... that helped but I needed more. It had been almost 12 hours since my last medication dose, 7.5mg oxycodone/325mg Tylenol. See!? I'm doing better! So this morning I took 500mg of Tylenol and 5mg of oxycodone and 30 minutes later I was feeling "normal".

I talked to my sister, Bridget, for almost an hour and a half. We laughed and shared stories. She gave me advice and shared memories of her healing after her surgery about 9 years ago. I heard about her poor doggy's flee and dermatitis problems. I lay in bed, finally comfortable. With like four blankets on me (down, fleece, quilt, knit) because I was freezing with my ice pack on my knee for most of the night. Anyways, it all helped me feel BETTER.

Alon made me a beautiful breakfast... he has nearly every day, when someone else isn't here to help. Eggs, toast, tomatoes, cucumbers. Ahh. He is "the best in the west" my sister, Bridget, said. She is right! 

That all said, I cry at least twice a day. A lot of the time it feels like an emotional outpouring to regulate myself in a way. It might be dealing with some post-traumatic stuff, as folks say. It might be brought on by tiredness, inability to get and stay comfortable, or pain and soreness from one of my worst sprained ankles ever. The leg itself only has an occasional sharp shooting pain through the knee cap. I'm stretching the scar tissue on the CPM which is uncomfortable, but temporary. 

Mostly, I think, the teary moments are just from the sheer DESIRE and DETERMINATION to heal; the FEAR and the COMPASSION that are drawn so strongly out of me at times; the accompaniment of the PAIN and STRUGGLE and discovery of new INNER STRENGTH (bravery?) during physical therapy; and truly, the GRATITUDE I have for this body's ability to heal, my medical providers who continue to treat me with the the best of care, and my friends and loved ones, especially Alon, who continue to help me at every turn at all ours of the day and night.

Regarding PT, I am up to about 20 exercises per day I think. I haven't actually counted. I just had my last home PT visit from Deb yesterday. The exercises she has given me just keep adding up and I need to do them until I hit that 12 week mark (November 21st). This includes therapy for my left leg, foot and shoulder, since I fell pretty hard on it too and strength and range of motion have been compromised. In order to stay as strong and balanced as possible, I need to start throwing in exercises for the right side of the body too... sigh, it feels like a lot of work, but I'm going to get it all squared away this weekend I think.

My next step with PT is to make a spreadsheet.... since I miss doing them so much at work! This will allow me to track my daily progress... not have to think too much about what to do next... watch my ups and downs and give myself some recognition when I'm feeling beat or unmotivated. It will be similar to what I had going with my yoga schedule prior to the accident where I started with two classes per week and added a new class or two every three weeks.

Speaking of yoga, it's pretty cool what poses I've adapted to a walker! And what I've made up along the way just to get some good stretching in. Maybe I'll get Alon to take some pictures and post them here soon :-)

The morning today ended with a good dose of sunshine. I sat in the back yard, watching Ozy jump over rocks, hide, and hop through the grass chasing grass hoppers. She's all tired now and fast asleep in her bed next to Alon while he works. Anyways, I sat outside for about an hour, all propped up with a couple chairs and a few pillows, just taking it in. It was warm and good.

AND working on my short term disability paperwork with Gary, our HR Director at BCAP, over the phone. Alon scrambled this morning to pick up and drop off paperwork from the doctor's office to home to BCAP to home again. Let's hope that all goes through smoothly and quickly so I can at least get a portion (about 1/2) of my pay for the next couple of months while I recover at home.

Ooh! My left knee just "cracked" in the CPM! That was weird! Oh well, all is well I guess... that's just a new movement and sensation. Hm. Good I suppose!

E. Dupuis signing out... thanks for checking in again :-) xoxo

Yes!

159.8 pounds. A number I am proud of. Somehow my new yoga practice and mindful eating is really paying off. Not just in pounds but in attitude, in love for life, in ability to let go, be honest, and see things in a new light.

In one word I feel: WONDERFUL.

Eight months ago, January - something - 2011... my boyfriend and I set out on on a mindful eating regimen. Diet if you must, but I prefer mindful eating regimen. Yes, so that is what we did. The books we read included: The 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferriss and Engine 2 Diet by Rip Esselstyn. I gotta say two great books, two very different approaches. First 30 days were dedicated to the approach dictated in The 4 Hour Body. My binge day, Saturday, my first binge day... was INSANE. After 6 days of meat, fish, spinach, kale, broccoli, beans, hot sauce, lemon water and green tea - I had lost about 3 1/2 pounds. Binge day was pancakes, butter, syrup, eggs, butter, toast, butter, marmalade, juice, coffee. Aaaand... a 5 hour sugar crash nap followed by the worst hangover ever... I mean UP there with early 20's binge drinking hangovers. Prior to that day, the week was a little difficult, but I felt healthy, clear-headed, and overall satisfied as I began to monitor and change what my body actually required in terms of caloric intake to stay energetic. 

Needless to say, I was reluctant to embrace the next binge day with such fervor. The sugar withdrawal was by far the worst part of this diet, and the sugar binge was equally as horrifying. It was obvious I needed to cut back on sugar in some ways. But how?

We do the 4 Hour Body diet for about 22 days in January/February. I lose 10 pounds. I keep it off. Yay.

March/April roll around and my beloved and I agree to embark upon another foodie adventure, with Rip Esselstyn in the driver's seat. We went vegan + eggs. We even eliminated oils for whatever reason - they are "just not worth it" in Rip's eyes. You want healthy vegetable fats, then eat avocados. So we did. This diet was nice, but the recipes were actually quite a bit of work. We derived some decent fundamental thoughts - like keep your veggie intake HIGH - and experimented with some fun salad dressings sans oil. So that was all nice and good. And fruits - I ate as much fruit as my little sweet tooth desired. That part was bliss. No juices though - just the real thing.

May/June rolls around and I have witnessed myself in a dieter's dilemma. What the hell am I supposed to eat? What do I want? What makes me feel good and satisfied at the same time? This caused me much stress, and I actually found myself eating LESS overall and feeling increasingly frustrated by food.

This was sad to me. I loved food. I grew up in a house that loved food. My Mom is a great chef and baker. It runs through to me and my siblings too. At this point I was just worn out from trying all these different foods, recipes and eating regimens. I think I blacked out part of this experience because I don't really remember how I handled it in the end... other than just telling myself to relax and you'll figure it out.

July. The middle of blissful summer. My partner and I have just moved into a beautiful, quiet 1920s cottage just east of downtown Boulder with a gorgeous garden to boot. I feel strong and energetic and clear-headed and ready to take on life again. I am seeing a Shiatsu healer as well as a Thai masseuse. Despite feeling content mentally, my physical body is screaming at me. Lower gastrointestinal problems. Need I say more. Chest pain. Lower back pain. SUCKS. I see my MD – IBS she says. She prescribes an antispasmodic. And there I go, off on another food finding mission.

Goodbye caffeine (chocolate, coffee, green tea)… goodbye dairy (yogurt, cheese),.. goodbye gluten. Didn’t you know that Siliac’s Disease is contagious in Boulder? You don’t actually need a blood test here, you just need to know someone who actually has it, or pass them on the street.

Okay, so my body is HIGHLY sensitive to these foods and substances. I attend a Shiatsu healing session. One a week for three weeks actually. Then every other week and I am still going (on week 8 now). I remember this helped tremendously when I had a similar experience after my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. Dale says “liver deficiency, spleen and stomach imbalances”.  We treat. I take prescribed Chinese herbs. I am feeling better. Two months into it all. I am still caffeine, dairy, and gluten free. And my body is thanking me. I can relax a bit and enjoy my garbanzo bean and tapioca flour-based seedy breads.

I start yoga on Sunday, July 10^th. I create for myself a 10 week doable yoga schedule. I kick it off with Restorative Yoga. It is nothing short of awesome and restorative. I hit hot yoga again on Tuesday night. I knew I loved hot yoga from classes at my past gym, which inspired me (months later) to join a yoga studio that offered many hot yoga classes. I felt great, and sweated like nobody’s business. It was easy to lose weight in the form of water with this regimen.

I ate. I felt hydrated. Dale, my Shiatsu healer, advises I try the caveman diet. Meat and veggies. This wasn’t hard because I had been craving meat lately, and already ate a lot of salads and other veggies. I felt satisfied. Cooking and grocery shopping were easy. Ahhh... sigh of relief.

I stopped my birth control medicine. Continued the Chinese herbs for my tummy/spleen/stomach imbalances. Had my first period in like 3 months. And was losing fat and gaining muscle. My energy and mood are stabilizing.

So that’s the short of it. The intro to my new life. Yoga. Shiatsu. Thia massage. Meat. Veggies. Free of caffeine, dairy, and gluten. Oh, and I left out COMMUTER BIKING. How could I forget that?!

In May 2011, I sold my Boulder-iconic Subaru Outback wagon. Kissed it goodbye. It was a conscious lifestyle change. One of the best decisions of my life! Living in downtown Boulder makes it all very doable. I bike everyday to and from work, to get groceries, to the movie theater, to the creek, etc. My boyfriend has joined me, though he still co-owns a car with a friend. A few miles a day on bike makes a huge difference in the way I see life, the way I experience it, the way I approach challenges, and my physical and mental fitness are improving. Cycling brings light into my day and strength into my heart.

And so, this morning, a sunny late August day. Two days before my birthday actually. I hop of the scale. 159.8. BMI going down too. Yes! After a reggae Core Power Yoga 1 class, a couple cookies, a piece of pie and a late dinner (BBQ chicken, cucumbers, and tomatoes) the night before: this is what I am blessed with. This is the first time I have weighed under 160 pounds in over a decade. And I feel strong and good about it.

Obsessed with weight? No. Just proud of the fact that my physical health is improving without it feeling like a chore or confusing, and my mental and spiritual health are improving right along with it.