Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

237 days and counting...

What is like to recover from a major injury?

I am still on the path to FULL RECOVERY but I can confidently say I AM NO LONGER INJURED. I had a test today in Pilates. Some of you might think this is lame, if so, that's only because you are ignorant. Go take a Pilates Reformer class and you'll see. My one on one Pilates Reformer/Physical Therapy session was amazing. My Pilates instructor at Boulder Orthopedic, Lori (also a physical therapist there), informed me that my knee had full range of motion. I was doing everything an uninjured person would be able to do. She didn't say anything about building up strength because I was doing everything she put in front of me. I knew what felt different, tight, soar, wabbly, or a little weaker on one side but it didn't matter. I WAS DOING IT!!

Lori just kept pushing me and pushing me in a gentle, fluid sort of way. Before I knew it she said, "You're doing the most advanced Pilates moves."And it was no joke. I was balanced, poised, strong, amazing myself and giggling. I felt like a ballerina (who are also amazing!). None of it was planned; I just asked Lori to gauge where she thought I was at and introduce some new things. The experience was SO COOL!!! It made me want to go to a class and rock Pilates in front of people who had been doing it for 6 months or 6 years! If I can do it one on one I can do it. Period.

A week ago Wednesday (April 11th) I sat cross-legged for the first time. I casually sat down on the floor in my office as I was re-organizing (and my desktop computer happened to be on the floor!). I went easily into a cross-legged position. No torque on the knee, no funky juxtapostion. Just did it. Unconsciously. I began to cry. What a relief. What a moment. I couldn't believe it, but I could. I was so pleased. Aside from the hard work and pain I've gone through to get where I am, I attribute this latest success and milestone to some myofascial release work (a.k.a. Rolfing) that I had done with Nancy... (last name to come). She was a referral from my physical therapist April Smith. I had seen Nancy for the second time the Friday before (April 6th), where she intentionally worked on my hip and IT band for 75 MINTUES. It was INTENSE and amazing. And the results were so worth the trip! During that session, Nancy also palpated my scar for at least 10 minutes (felt like longer). It began to itch like nobody's business; like severe poison oak or ivy. Nancy replied, "Itching is a sign of healing!" And I said, "Well then, it's all better now! Holy shit, stop massaging and start scratching!!" Sighs of relief on many levels. Tomorrow I have another session with Nancy, making it 3 75-minute sessions in 5 weeks. I can't wait to tell her (SHOW HER!) the good news and I look forward to more progress and release - both physical and emotional. The body stores so much and releases so much too. It's so been worth it. Given financial constraints, I'll probably go to once per month or per six weeks for a little while now.

The financial piece has really been hard. Money has such an emotional and psychological connection to one's life. It has taken some deep discussions and figuring out and tangential fits to establish what is okay to spend money on and what is not. When it comes to health care and well being though, there really is no question of it being worth the investment. I figure, even if it has to go on a credit card and I feel it's in my best interest in the healing process, then stop worrying and just do it!! Fortunately, I have an amazing partner, Alon, who also sees my health and well-being as #1 (along with his own) and we can talk it out and manage our finances to adjust to the rising costs of health care in the last 7 months or so. We really are fortunate in so many ways. Alon continues to be nothing short of the most amazing person in my life (RIGHT AFTER YOU, MOM & DAD!). I'll never take him for granted. Ever. (I love him so much!!) Just like I'll never take for granted the ability to walk again.

I felt stupid yesterday when I had to stand up to stretch and said, "I can't walk. My legs are dead." I had worked out incredibly hard the day before doing about 1/2 hour of lunges and squats and plyometrics. My quads for all intents and purposes were completely exhausted and hurting. However, when I said "I can't walk" I felt like a complete asshole. OF COURSE I CAN WALK! I retracted my statement and said HOW GRATEFUL I WAS TO HAVE SOAR LEG MUSCLES. To get up and walk away from the conference table without hesitation, really. To know that I was soar from pushing my body to its limits the day before was another wakeful moment. 

Every day I cross the cross walk, or try to jog (haphazardly) to catch the bus, or simply step into the cages on my bike pedals to propel myself to the next destination I take a deep breath and acknowledge this amazing sense of gratitude for my body, for my health, for life's possibilities, for all the support I've had, the partnerships I've forged during my healing process, and all the challenges I've overcome and have yet to overcome. I really try to tell myself, if I feel rushed, that there is no need to rush. Be grateful for this moment. It is an important reminder! This has been an amazing journey.

Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin

No break through pain, Ozy tries CPM

The good news for yesterday is that I had no break through pain during my 6 hours between medication doses! I went about 7 hours without any pain meds. I also took just half a pill at the 7 hour mark. So THAT is AWESOME!

Some more good news is a new friend, former board member at BCAP and volunteer there saw my request for help on Facebook. She has offered to come every Wednesday morning for a couple of hours to take care of me till I am back up on my feet. This type of generosity and help blows me away. Then, Alon and I contemplated how so many nice people lately make us (mostly me) cry. More AWESOMENESS.

This morning the Oz-meister, our kitty, Ozymandius, Ozy for short, alias KITTY... decided she would try out my Constant Passive Movement (CPM) machine while I jaunted off to the bathroom at 6am. When I hobbled back, this is what I found... of course the machine was off, otherwise she would not have been so brave...

1. Curled up like a little ball, like this hunk of medical machinery with a soft faux sheerling liner was made for her... Excuse ME!

2. Getting experimental. Ozy attemps to find a more comfortable position, poking her head through a hole, laying her soft white belly across the fuzzy liner... Success.

3. Close up. Ozy resting her face on the hard plastic base of the CPM. She has SUCH a hard time getting comfortable. Who needs vicodin or valium? I want what she's got!

That's pretty much been my morning so far. Other than excruciating foot pain, which does not seem to want to go away. Deb, my beloved Physical Therapist, should be here soon. We shall discuss the foot then. Love to you all! Thanks for checking out my blog.