Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

Update: Week 12 (the three month mark... Yahoo!)

Monday

Met with my surgeon, Dr. Fulkerson, this afternoon. Alon came with me. In a nutshell, Lauri said"...I am so proud of you and so happy for you. You have made it over the hump. I am not going to have to go in and scope out any scar tissue. You are going to be fine. Keep working as hard as you have been."

She was very pleased with the fluidity with which my knee could bend and move (to about 115 degrees) and confident with my progress. The reassurance and feedback was very validating.

We all sighed with relief and Lauri gave me a very tight-lipped, reassuring smile and head tilt of "job well done". It was wonderful. I gave her a high five! You can tell she was also pleased that her hard work in surgery did not go to waste.

I was approved to weight bear at 50% (two days ahead of schedule). Do that for 7-10 days. Then doc said go to 75-100% with one crutch for 7-10 days. She gave me the leeway to trust my body and mind and take an extra day or so to transition where and when I need to (within the range she specified).

She also cleared me to go swimming, hot tubbing, and take baths! Yay!

Also, Dr. Fulkerson said the stabbing pain and soreness on the medial side of my left knee is likely a result from scar tissue. The scar tissue has built up significantly on the lateral side (where the tibial plateau was crushed) and where part of the incision is. This is pulling my knee cap slightly to that side causing some of that pain on the medial side. 

I also told her about the "figure four" resistance exercises that I am doing with April (my PT). We started those last week. That exercise works the muscle from the inside of my left knee, up the thigh, across the quad, and diagonally over to the IT band. That, along with weight bearing is likely the trigger for the knee pain. 

Lauri said if any consistent pain surfaces on the lateral side to let her know and that is of concern because that is where the majority of the damage was. Right now, I just feel some tenderness where the hamstring and quad attachment points are along the thigh. So I think I am in the clear right now as well.

I will see her again on December 2nd. We'll take more x-rays then (no x-rays were taken at this last visit).

Made it to the gym at 9:30 at night for a 25 minute work out. 15 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes of foam roller (on IT band, hamstring and calf) and some quad sets/extension stretches. It was a hard day and I felt like crap when I went, but glad I did.

Tuesday

Kicked some booty in PT: bent to 120 again. Grudgingly. I still cried on like the last 2 bends. It is still just so damn painful - all over the place. From the ankle to various parts of the knee, calf, quad, hamstring, and of course low back - which eventually relaxes as I begin to relax into the pain and try to let it go. I only took the 500mg of Tylenol before this session. The flexion/extension with April was slightly more painful, but I did not feel the "drug fatigue" that I would have felt had I taken the oxycodone. I think I'll save those for bed time (as needed). I was completely wiped out come 6:30, so Alon and I order Thai. I ate - quickly. Took a hot shower - slowly. And was in bed by 8:40. Took valium to chill out the overall soreness and pains in my knee. Asleep by 9:30. Zzzzz.

Wednesday 

Worked another long-ish day: 5.5 hours. That feels about perfect to me. Anyways, rested for a bit afterward but within 20 minutes of being home and literally putting my feet up, I could feel my leg start to stiffen and cramp. I went to the gym promptly doing my full routine. My knee, leg, and low back felt very loose while biking today. The rest was "routine". Might try swimming and hot tub tomorrow evening with Alon.

Thursday

No go on the physical activity today, outside of going to work (another 5.5 hours). Felt pretty tired, swollen, and soar with bouts of stabbing pains in my knee. All "normal". I was blessed with a very nice massage and girl-time from my friend, Bree. That was by far the highlight. She is awesome. I wish we could find more time to spend together. Anyways, despite that I still took a bunch of meds before bedtime (which was about 9am) = 500mg ibuprofen, 325mg Tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, and 5 mg Valium. I was out like a light... till about 4:30/5am. This seems to be the norm for the past couple of weeks - the waking up at 3 or 4am. Fortunately this time, I only stayed awake for a short period of time.

Friday 

Worked a solid 5.5 hours, sluggishly yet productively. Good to know I can still get things done :) Bumped my PT appointment to 4pm instead of 4:30, hoping that I will have a slightly increased reserve of energy. I took a 5mg Valium before the appointment to chill me out during the "bending" portion of PT - because I can get pretty worked up physically, mentally and emotionally - and ESPECIALLY when I am as tired as I am. I guess it kind of worked. Progress in that regard was 123 degrees of flexion. Extension is getting harder (to be expected with continual progress in bending). So two tricks I was taught this week with that one is to lay down, face down, on the bed, legs hanging off the edge of the bed just above the knee. Sounds yucky, right? Well, if my knee is not even close to hyper extension because of all the scar tissue, this exercise is fine. The other trick is to prop my foot up about a foot with my leg extended straight and just keep relaxing the leg and knee. Hold this position for about 5 minutes (same as the other one), and then come back to bending. Both feel excruciatingly painful in the end, BUT absolutely essential to get and maintain full extension in my leg. I did take 1000mg of Tylenol today. Seems a bit over the top but at this point my liver considers that a break. There is a pot luck at my friend Katrin's tonight. I hope I make it, but it's not looking good (energy-wise). There is the whole "mind over matter" thing, so who knows, I could get a second wind! This weekend is all about RELAXING and RECUPERATING. Boulder may get a good deal of snow Saturday, so I am hoping to cozy up inside, drink copious amounts of tea, read and maybe do arts and crafts, and grocery shop if I absolutely have to.

That last paragraph was a complete stream of consciousness but I don't feel like editing it and organizing it. This is after all, more a like a journal sometimes than anything else. I learn something about myself, and maybe my reader picks up a thing or two as well.

Take care and love to you all.

Responses to "Return to Work"

I think it is important that I share the two comments below that I received by email this past week from two loved and trusted people in my life. They are spot on and fill in thoughts and feelings where I may have trailed off (in my mind). I really appreciate the support and love that surrounds me while I walk along this bumpy path. These people (amongst others) really do complete me as a person. Thank you for telling me to chill out sometimes and for bringing things into perspective!

Comment #1
"With regards to your people at work I'd say: focus on YOU!  As you know, people respond in a variety of ways to challenging situations (i.e. fear, over-care-taking, awkwardness, pity, trying to cover their own asses in terms of liability yada, yada...).  You never know exactly why it is that people say what they do, how they do, when they do.

Just be clear about what your intentions are for next week, do your best, listen to your body and take breaks/"call it a day" when you need to. If you feel good and have energy, then keep on truckin' - to hell what everybody else thinks!! Let others' comments, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc. go by the way side for now.  If there are repeating patterns that come up again and again with the same person over the coming weeks, then I'd day sure, go ahead and bring it up/address it. Otherwise, my council is to forget about this level of analysis for now and focus on what your goals are, how you know you are feeling/doing and what you know you want/need to do. Make all this clear to others and let them deal with their own doubts/fears/issues..." C.F.

Comment #2

"You got it girl, always good to hear from you. Good job!  Have a great time back at work, that schedule sounds good :) I think getting your mind off yourself and back onto your job is gonna be great. You will love the new energy and business I bet, and you will sleep good at night!

Have fun and good luck, my sisterly advice is try not to confuse peoples concern, compassion, or wanting to help with pity or fear, ok? There is definitely a big difference... Remember over the years how compassionate you have been to others, even to people you never met before! You would have never wanted them confusing your compassion for anything else right? So give them a chance, let them care for you, it's ok, You would do the same for a coworker if it was reversed.

So be patient with people and just keep your heart open, soak it in, you will do great!! I'm not sure what happened there, or what conversations you have had with coworkers recently, I wasn't there, but to me it doesn't seem like the type of work place or community that would hinder your progress or productivity, so try not to worry to much, ok pal. Just reeeelax." B.B.

Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)