Responses to "Return to Work"

I think it is important that I share the two comments below that I received by email this past week from two loved and trusted people in my life. They are spot on and fill in thoughts and feelings where I may have trailed off (in my mind). I really appreciate the support and love that surrounds me while I walk along this bumpy path. These people (amongst others) really do complete me as a person. Thank you for telling me to chill out sometimes and for bringing things into perspective!

Comment #1
"With regards to your people at work I'd say: focus on YOU!  As you know, people respond in a variety of ways to challenging situations (i.e. fear, over-care-taking, awkwardness, pity, trying to cover their own asses in terms of liability yada, yada...).  You never know exactly why it is that people say what they do, how they do, when they do.

Just be clear about what your intentions are for next week, do your best, listen to your body and take breaks/"call it a day" when you need to. If you feel good and have energy, then keep on truckin' - to hell what everybody else thinks!! Let others' comments, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc. go by the way side for now.  If there are repeating patterns that come up again and again with the same person over the coming weeks, then I'd day sure, go ahead and bring it up/address it. Otherwise, my council is to forget about this level of analysis for now and focus on what your goals are, how you know you are feeling/doing and what you know you want/need to do. Make all this clear to others and let them deal with their own doubts/fears/issues..." C.F.

Comment #2

"You got it girl, always good to hear from you. Good job!  Have a great time back at work, that schedule sounds good :) I think getting your mind off yourself and back onto your job is gonna be great. You will love the new energy and business I bet, and you will sleep good at night!

Have fun and good luck, my sisterly advice is try not to confuse peoples concern, compassion, or wanting to help with pity or fear, ok? There is definitely a big difference... Remember over the years how compassionate you have been to others, even to people you never met before! You would have never wanted them confusing your compassion for anything else right? So give them a chance, let them care for you, it's ok, You would do the same for a coworker if it was reversed.

So be patient with people and just keep your heart open, soak it in, you will do great!! I'm not sure what happened there, or what conversations you have had with coworkers recently, I wasn't there, but to me it doesn't seem like the type of work place or community that would hinder your progress or productivity, so try not to worry to much, ok pal. Just reeeelax." B.B.

Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)

Play Therapy at the Park! (pictures)

Yesterday, Alon and I and our friend Kat went to North Boulder Park. While Alon and Kat walked her dog, I played on the swings and started making up my own exercises. It was freeing, uplifting, empowering, and fun! Before hand, I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep, but deep down I wanted to test my endurance and push myself. I had already pushed myself that day (socializing, eating out, crutching around plus a lack of sleep)... but I am so glad I pushed a little more and discovered these moments of joy in the fresh, crisp Boulder air at the base of the Foothills.

Here I am (click on photos to enlarge):

Extension on the way up...

Flexion on the way back...

Runner's lunge, Position 1: Flexion. The majority of my weight is supported by the swing's saddle, my back (right) leg, and hands. Just a light toe touch on my left leg (permitted by doc).

Runner's lunge, Position 2: Extension. Just trying to straighten that left leg and feel a good stretch!

Look at me, I can fly! :-)