A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

I will never again take for granted the ability to walk!

It has been exactly 99 DAYS since my bike accident and surgery. In just the past couple of days I have been able to go without any walking assistance (no crutches) about 50% of the time, still wearing my brace. What a great break through!

At physical therapy today I showed April how I could walk down the hall, in my shuffle sort of way. She took the crutch away from me and said... "Get going! Last room on the right." So just a few hours ago there I was walking, no crutches and without my brace for the very first time. I actually felt really strong without the brace. It was liberating. I don't feel this way in the morning - and sometimes during the middle of the day, I feel so weak and tired and painful that I can hardly bear another step. But tonight I did a little dance (like waving my arms in the air) for April as I strutted down the hall to the examination room. After our bending session (where I went to 122 degrees), I raced April to the bike to start my work out. I flew through my PT routine in about 1 hour (versus the regular 2), iced up, and went and met friends for drinks!

Last weekend I watched people walk across the crosswalk at a nearby intersection while Alon and I sat outside Atlas cafe drinking tea. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought most of them take walking for granted. I was sad and mad and jealous. I'm never again going to take walking for granted. I swear it. I'll remember this experience and all these emotions for the rest of my life. Walking carefree and being "able-bodied" is such a gift.

All week my coworkers have watched me go up and down the couple of stairs to the back entrance of our building. Cautiously move around the building with more ease. Go a few more feet every day with one crutch, then no crutches. Venture up a flight of stairs to the second floor for the first time in several months. Walk from my office to the front lobby without any assistance. Every moment I walked another step on my own, I really relished in the moment. Every time I took a step was a diligent, tireless, purposeful effort of reminding myself to engage my leg muscles, flex my quad, straighten my back, engage my core, touch my heel to the ground, straighten the knee, push off the toe, bend the knee, plant the heel again. Tighten the muscles. STEP. Repeat. My walking has turned into a mindfulness practice, and it's been truly amazing.

Last night I coordinated with Alon to make us some smoothies for dinner. My coworker Jenny would drive me home from work at 5:30. Alon and I would scurry off to the gym for one hour, then we'd make it - albeit 40 minutes late - to the BCAP Annual World AIDS Day Concert at First United Methodist Church. The coordinated effort was critical and we pulled it off! As we slowwwly walked across the icy parking lot to the church at 7:35. That was an awesome effort!

The last couple of days have been particularly sketchy as we have had very cold temperatures, snow, and most walkways and roads hardened with slick ice last night and this morning. Everyone who saw me out and about said with a loving, cautious tone, "PLEASE be careful." And I was. I walked out of my house this morning to start the car as Alon was finishing up something inside. We were about to head out together. As I stood on the curb getting ready to step down into the street this morning and start the car, the reflection of glaring ice stopped me. I felt doubt, discouragement, and then, most of all rationality. This experience has made the most obvious EVEN clearer. I poked the ice on the road a couple times with my crutches and decided that I couldn't take the step knowing I would be safe. It would be pushing the limits. I was reluctant, yet I stood there with my head down, just staring, wondering if I could do it, HOW I could do it. I decided I couldn't do it without help. Mind and body fought for a while, but my body knew more than my mind. My ego reared it's head and then was cast aside. I still stood there, contemplating, staring at the ground - wishing for an alternate reality yet knowing the truth - until I was ready to turn around to go back inside and wait for Alon.

Just then Jenny drove by. Sweet little southern gal. What timing. She always drives by my house on her way to work in the morning, but I'd never actually seen her unless she was stopping to pick me up. Well, by golly, there she was! She put on the brakes just a bit past me and pulled over, rolled down her window, and yelled, "Hey Erin, do you need help?!" To which I replied, "Yes, I'm going back inside to get Alon!" "Ok. See you at the office!" Jenny yelled back. "Sounds good, thanks!" I said.

It's really hard to ask for help but if you listen REALLY carefully you know WHEN... and listen even more carefully and you know HOW and WHO to go to. It's amazing to me the friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers who have come together for me lately to be my support team when I need it. To say to myself, "I can do a lot of things, but I CAN'T do this on my own" without feeling some sense of defeated self-worth is really difficult to come to terms with. But when I'm surrounded by people who just want to see me succeed and be happy, everything seems okay again. My decision by the curb this morning felt rational, solid, and self-assured. I knew I didn't want to get hurt or take a risk that could ultimately result in injury or set back. The love and support of those around me and those whom I hold in my heart help empower me to make the right decision. I acknowledged that I needed help, I sat with it - literally, as I stood there holding my crutches and stared at the ground without moving. Jenny reminded me that it's okay to ask for help. And I knew I could always count on Alon's patience, kindness, help, and loving understanding - even for the simplest of things. Even when he doesn't realize how awesome and helpful he is, he's that much more amazing to me.

This last week in particular there have been several times when I have felt strong and weak, tired yet determined all at the same time. When someone asks me if I have pain, I've learned to craft my answers in such a way that allows my body and mind a chance to respond genuinely and for "both" to be acknowledged. For instance, "Yes, I feel pain in my foot like I'm walking on a sprained ankle but the more I walk on it, the more blood flow it gets and the quicker it will heal. My quad feels weak and my knee is swollen and stiff, so I can't take a long normal stride but I CAN walk a little bit. See?" I'm where I'm supposed to be. I just need to keep working out and trying to walk and tell myself to walk even when I don't want to anymore. 

Life is really that simple: ONE STEP AT A TIME - while every step seems simple it is a challenge (to some degree) and requires the utmost dedication or else it simply will not happen.