I have at least four journal/blog entries that I have been wanting to make, but have not made the time for it. Interesting, first off, my sense of "make" having to do initially with creating some writing and then with creating some time. I don't actually feel like I'm creating writing or a story here... I just feel like I'm channeling my soul into words. There is no forced, masculine energy in this creation of my blog. That is a beautiful thing to me! Making and creating screams feminine, which is something I am trying to get more in touch with, too. Also, I am coming to terms with my sense of time here, and on some days, in my mind and in real life I would like it all to be just a bit more fluid... like the river over the stones... get rid of the idea that there is a set quantity of time at a set cost, and replace it with the notion that time is ever abundant and infinite, and when it feels depleted or empty (like a dry river bed), there is abundance of another kind there and somewhere else the river runs strong.
Anyways, those beginnings of electronic journal entries, posts we call them - standing erect as if to capture a moment in time like a fence post demarcates precious land or contains a herd of would-be wild animals. The post is a milestone in the expansive, undetermined time of my life. Those posts sit in the "drafts" pile of this blog. Unfinished, per say. I'm not working on them here today. I'm going to tell you what's up right now. What is my truth in this moment. Just like I've been doing.
Over the past year, writing has once again become an important part of my process, lifestyle, way of being. If I feel like I have to go back and finish something, that pressure feels off-putting, and so I've given myself permission to let it go. Important Rule #1 for me. I am very glad and at-home with this. Writing feels good, cleansing, supportive. Not only am I blogging but I'm also keeping a journal. All this feels great except I wish I could hit "UPLOAD" in my journal when I want to "cross-post" something into cyber world. Yes, I'm sure there is some fancy solution for this, but I'm not looking for a solution. Actual writing with a pen and paper is a completely different experience than typing up a blog post and plastering it all over the internet. Most anyone would agree (nod your head now as you count the number of electronic devices in your immediate vicinity and ask yourself, when is the next time I'm going to write someone a letter instead of an email?).
So, instead of completing those drafts and writing about what has happened, I'm going to write about what is up right now. That's how this blog and my writing is intended to be. A "yes, I'm doing it now" kind of thing. By staying current and in the moment, I am my most truthful. We all are. And that's what I want to give to myself and to you. My truth. My most divine, one might say. Let's start right there. My definition of divine is about an impermanent, fluid, multifaceted experience captured in the now moment that is so exquisite and so raw and truthful, the experience is beyond words. We relate to it, we interact with it. We can never lie to it and it never lies to us. That's truth. That's divine. I think Webster's and Oxford are calling me right now to see if they can copyright that definition. Pretty good for on the whim thinking. Anyways!
The value of capturing my direct experience... my divinity... my truth... into words... to share with you all... is a sparkling, aeronautical experience. Aeronautical means (according to a quick, irrefutable Google search) "navigation of the air". I like that - it fits for this girl's philosophical purpose just as well as a scientific one, in my opinion. I'm navigating the air with you. Even if we're 1000s of miles away. Capturing my experience and sharing it with you is an opportunity to take all that shines, crashes, collides, conforms, floats, sinks, dims, dilutes, disseminates, evolves, and devolves within me and pour it out - as a sweet nectar - into the world. This feeds you like it feeds me. It nourishes the deficiencies, whatever they may be, conscious or unconscious. Into this container, this blog, that I have created for myself, we hang out and receive this nectar of OUR experience TOGETHER. By default, it is not just my experience or my container or my blog any more. It is all of ours. To sip, share, soak up, relate to, interpret, dispel, or let transform you/US.
Dang, am I getting philosophical or what? Is philosophical even the right word? I think that word is probably one of those words that is constantly overused and used in the wrong way. And I admit, I am probably guilty of that now. Oh well. What is in this herbal summer time "solstice tea" that Innisfree Cafe served up to me today? I'm feeling infused with poetic jargon. Somebody! Gimme a beat box. Many poets sit in this cafe, truly from all over the world, and speak their truth, write about their truth. Innisfree was started by a second generation Irish immigrant from Boston. Boston-represent! Anyways, that is a little bit more of the context of this moment - my truth - that I am sharing with you as I stare out at the corner of 13th and Pennylvania Avenue in Boulder, CO. PS It's 102 degrees in this coffee shop right now. A little glistening sweat sweeps across my skin. No joke. Some of this experience gets shared and some stays internal, as my experience only. That's only natural. All these poets of past are running through me perhaps. Perhaps not. That sounds crazy. Today, we share. I share and give to you as much of my truth as possible. I receive the feelings of flight, power, peace, joy, and contentment. The "truth is beauty and beauty is truth" line comes to mind right now. Savor that for a minute.
Sharing my experience with you is uplifting, freeing, and powerful. When I hit "publish" at the end of all this, I feel like I've given flight to so many things - whether it's happiness or suffering or silliness or judgment or confusion or anger. It's off with it's own voice, weight, meaning as I let it go and you take it in. It's me and it's all the people in my life and places I've seen and things I've done. Swooping right off this page and into the air! (or internet!) The remarks I hear from you validates that but so does my immediate, internal feeling along with the whole process itself. In all actuality, we don't need each other to validate our own feelings. We think we do. We only need to know that how we are showing up is our deepest, purest truth. That's something I'm telling myself more and more these days. Take it for what it is. I'm not trying to preach, people, just sharing.
In the past, I've just wanted it - validation - I grew accustomed to receiving it - for good and for bad. Conscious or unconscious. And with that seeking of validation comes invalidation, naturally. What happens when compassion is mixed with invalidation? When someone says, that's great, you're awesome, now change. What's up with that? When judgment or conditions smack validation in the ass as it walks out the door? That feels confusing and crappy and disrespectful. I know these feelings. We all do, right? What happens when we take all that in? Is it the truth or just someone's judgment of us? Is it their self-judgment being projected? Whatever it is, it's what I call: YUCKS. And you should always questions something that makes you feel even the slightest bit yucks! That's my advice.
In the past weeks since my head-shaving fiesta, I have truly begun to embody my truth as a way of self-validating. By speaking, doing, living, seeing, hearing, breathing, eating, going to bed with, and waking up to my truth every day I am validating my experience. I am saying yes to myself; my experience is real and I accept it. I accept me. By recognizing and honoring my judgments and speaking passionately, I am living my truth instead of hiding it. I'm still working on this piece. Of course, I'm not going to go all crazy on someone. That's not what I am saying. I'm just referencing a gentle acceptance and acknowledgment of what is coming up for me in any moment, and sharing it respectfully, to the extent possible. This is especially important for me in a moment where I can witness myself denying myself. Check it out in yourself, see how often it happens, if at all. Self-denial, non-acceptance.
Once this or all that ABOVE part that I just wrote about becomes less conscious work, my accepting of myself will become much more deeply rooted. That is what I believe. Till then, I am in this very conscious effort phase of self-acceptance, truth-speaking/living, deepening into my experience. My life will be that much more beautiful, rich, and divine! And by default, so will yours!! How about that?! Luck you. That power and acceptance are the parts beyond words. You have to do it - emanate your truth, honor yourself in ALL that you do, work with yourself and others in this way - in order to truly feel that power. That's not advice, that's truth.
I recently said to someone that right now I am seriously filtering external stimulus, challenges, and engagements - be it a social gathering or going back to school or changing career paths or traveling. Essentially, I shared with her how I am really getting in touch with the infinite depth of knowledge and wisdom and experience that lies within me. The University of Life is within me! As corny as that sounds. I truly do not need to cover it up, complicate it, or dilute it with external experiences. I just need to tap into it. There are so many angles at which to view things, movable walls, cloud ceilings, trap doors, and hidden treasures all within my reach. This going deep within, is just an invitation to explore, to adventure, ask questions, and wonder about myself, this experience, and how I relate to the world.
We could look at 100 reasons for why I am taking this invitation right now. I cycle through this kind of "inwardness" in my life. Don't we all? Fortunately, right now I am happy and able to stay in relationship with Alon while going through this process. Admittedly, it can be difficult to be in partnership when you're experiencing inner growth, development, and change. But this time it is not hard. Alon is just a fantastic person to have in my life, and I love him to pieces! What's a blog post without a plug for my partner!? Other times in my life, other partners, other situations have demanded a reverse response - to withdraw, back out, or move permanently.
I know that this inner exploration, this filtering of stimulus, and taking control over what I can change and do with my life is a result of my accident last August. That was a time when I was forced to be still, to contemplate, to deal with the immediacy, to survive, to have no choice in that moment of impact. At that moment of impact, I was telling myself - this is not real, I do not accept this. I was invalidating my own experience. At other moments, I completely accepted my experience - screaming, yelling, crying. It was a mixed trauma response. Now I am embracing the abundance of choice, the feeling of living, to be still or to move, to listen to what my body/mind needs and wants and to support it, acknowledge me with compassion and acceptance. It really is beautiful.
I'll wrap this up with a quote by an ordinary man, on an ordinary day that struck me as extraordinary:
"[Be, speak, know] A truth so confident, it need not be defended."
