Here I am one week out from getting off the Green River, which was in one word: SPECTACULAR. I spent four days and three nights on an all-women rafting retreat: camping, rafting, hiking, swimming, eating, surrounded by majestic beauty, and just plain ole taking it in and having fun with nineteen amazing women (including our fantastic trip leaders and rafting guides).
The trip was led by Victoria FittsMilgrim (True Life Coaching) and Karin Marcus (Stepping Out Coaching). I found them by simply Googling: "women's wilderness retreats". When I talked to Victoria I essentially decided that vacations, trip-planning, and retreat-researching don't have to be hard and complicated. I can just say yes to this - which seemed like a totally great fit - and be okay with that. In brief, this trip was a call to women going through transition (I know, who isn't, right?). Those who might be stepping into some unknown, a new sense of self. Embracing change. Taking care of oneself by seeking refuge, silence, adventure, and support in the wilderness. I was in and I had a lot of support from friends, family, and work too.
You can view pictures here, and I will narrate below.
The river swept us 44 miles from the put-in at Gates of Lodore (CO) to where Holiday Expeditions met us in their vans again at Rainbow Park (UT). The gathering spot was Vernal, UT - a rural town in north eastern Utah. Four large rafting boats, three row and one paddle, packed efficiently (to the gills) with four days and three nights worth of food including a propane gas grill/stove, gear, and personal belongings. Did I mention food? We ate SO much food. The scenery was huge and captivating and seemingly endless, much like our appetites. Canyon after canyon, walls hundreds of feet tall. Sunny scorching the bright red and orange sandstone, spilling into the canyon and down into the sparkling, translucent green river. The contrast and illumination made the experience feel surreal at times.
Needed to cool down? A easy splash overboard guaranteed refreshment. Water temps were 50-60 degrees while the air temp was 90-100! Very little shade. I didn't mind one bit. I was blissed out and working hard... sometimes. Day one I paddled strong through class IV-V rapids and later on in the trip I opted for one of the more "lazy river boats" and just laid back. Bumping rocks which spun us around in the record low water level; looking on as other rafters completed the rapids ahead of or behind us. Typical river adventure; no one fell out but we had some close calls.
A couple of times, we beached the boats and hiked briefly along the river bank to scout a few rapids before traversing. The citrusy pine smell of the Pinyons was absolutely breath-taking. Birds soaring over head. The river and rapids change daily and our guides needed to discuss how to navigate them on these mini-excursions. That part was pretty exciting.
Each day we pulled up on sandy beaches (trying to steal some shade when possible) to have luxurious lunches: gourmet sandwiches, chicken Caesar wraps, Mediterranean salads, always fresh cantaloupe and avocado! All prepared by our guides; no one else had to lift a finger. It was great!
Everyday was exciting and new. Victoria and Karin introduce a theme inviting us into inquiry and reflection as we went on through our days. Listen, Learn, and Leap were the themes of first three days, and on the fourth day we pondered Gratitude and Celebration! I participated fully with our daily "wise women's circles" and yet did not get overtaken by thinking and processing or "the tape recorder in my head" (story). I mostly just let things happen and had a ton of fun.
Along the river's canyon walls, we were shown wall paintings and carvings from 1000s or millions of years ago (some from the "Fremont People"). We settled into camp around 3pm each day at one of the designated sites that seemed to sprawl secretly back into the hidden landscape through the cottonwood forests. Everyone found their perfect spot to pitch their tent that was unique. Hikes in the afternoon - one a steep climb to a water fall, where we got caught in a tropical-like storm. Soft, warm monsoon-like rain with tremendous rolls of thunder and flashes of lightening. Mother Nature spared us that day. The next day took us on another hike, about 3 hours, to more waterfalls, petroglyphs, and pictographs and through wind-swept sandstone canyons where I saw my first stunning arches (albeit small, nothing like Canyonlands). All sorts of wildlife - from cliff swallows, to big horn
sheep, to golden eagle, and unfortunately, skunk crossed our paths at
one time or another. Our trip leader, Karin, handed us a comprehensive
list at the end.
I honestly didn't know if I had it in me to do the three hour hike, but I was told the terrain was mostly flat, which it was. I was definitely tired after that, and yet invigorated. I limped only a tad towards the end; my left knee was just so fatigued. And it was no wonder. The good thing is that I had no pain during the whole trip, and was quite agile too. Adrenaline helps. The adrenaline wore off when I got home on Wednesday, and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I could not walk without discomfort. I had come to an edge and today I feel mostly fine. My PT assured me yesterday that sitting on the boat impaired the extension, and so that's why I felt lots of discomfort in the back of my knee/leg. I am to tell myself "It is only a stretch!". The swelling on the knee is still there, flares up from time to time, but is manageable. I am already feeling better, physically, than I was a few days ago and there is no restriction on my activity or mobility (just some tough stretching and straightening to do!).
One of my favorite parts of being on this trip was bathing naked in the river! That's right, we should all do it! It was a refreshing reminder of how it truly feels to be alive and at peace with myself and with nature all in one blissful moment.
Has my perspective shifted? Has my experience of myself changed? Truly, they have. At first, I thought not. I returned from the trip blissed-out, excited, and relaxed. On the trip I was not focused on processing or delving into my story. In fact, I made a point of not doing so (basically to avoid characterization, judgment, and mis-identifying myself with "my story"). I was focused on having fun and taking in the boundless pleasure and beauty of nature and wilderness while getting to know people and enjoying one another's company. I let the processing just happen in the background. Paying some attention to what was going on for me, participating in the group activities and daily intention-setting, but not losing myself in it or in someone else's story. Fortunately, we had excellent facilitators and leadership that allowed for this type of space, freedom, and individuality. Truly, things have shifted and continue to shift within me. This continues to be an exciting time, and the adrenaline rush and beauty I experienced on the river were simply a gateway into my everyday life and bigger adventures unfolding!
A few things I picked up along the way:
A couple days after my return I pondered, "Where did I leave off or how do I pick things up again?". At work it was easy - piles and lists were still there. Colleagues to check in with. In my personal life, in my head and heart, I felt some sadness, lost, loneliness, chaos, fogginess, confusion, frustration, ungroundedness, and annoyance brewing within me after a couple days of being at home. Then, as if a magic wand was swirled over my head a new brilliant and uplifting thought entered my consciousness (just yesterday): This is a fresh start! I have a clean slate! A new beginning! The groundlessness is saturated with freedom! Goodbye fog and confusion and being hooked by the past (at least in this moment!).
While the group and retreat focused on "women in transition" I quickly realized that I did not want to emphasize the transitions I had been through in the last year, nor the threshold I'm crossing now. I simply wanted to celebrate my health, healing, strength, and sense of adventure. One could say that was the transition - stepping out ofnan old self into a new one of letting go and self-acceptance. My intention (overall) at this time in my life is to simply find ways to experience more joy in my life, to trust more fully, to speak more truthfully, show up more authentically, and accept and befriend myself time and time again.
While exploring the inquiry of "What lies ahead?" a fog may start to creep in. This is something I've experienced for years, off and on. I seriously thought it may be linked to undiagnosed ADD or some anxiety thing. Those never proved to be true, but things still didn't feel right somehow. In the moment I may ever so slightly disassociate from whatever it was I was thinking/feeling and I just "go blank". That was the fog. It's like a mist at dawn that blurs my view of a valley just ahead or a diminishes a vibrant sunrise. I can still sense the beauty, mystery, and wonder that is out there. I am frustrated that I can't just have it, see it more clearly, grab it enthusiastically! I am used to judging myself in these moments (often without realizing it!) with punitive thoughts like: "why can't I just think through this?" or "come on, aren't you smart enough?" or "what's wrong with you?" or simply feeling frustrated and hopeless, recoiling into sadness and dullness.
The awakened moment happened yesterday! I learned a simple technique of befriending myself in these moments. Next time I start to sense the fog coming in or maybe it's already settled there in my mind, I'll visualize putting my arm around my own shoulder (comforting, acknowledging) and say/think something like, "Hey, you might be feeling a little overwhelmed or lost right now. That's okay. You can come back to this. What can you do right now to take care of yourself?". I've done some work around this too as to what is triggering me in these moments. Without getting too heavy here, basically I believe it links back to some experiences in my adolescence where my choice, voice, opinion, feelings, and desires were not acknowledged - in fact I was being forced to do something I didn't want to. After much arguing and crying, I would be left defenseless and powerless and angry. I would surrender, blank out, and try to "keep calm and carry on". I was essentially cutting off a big part of myself to appease someone else. It was miserable. A lot was lost in those moments, and then again, a lot was gained too. Now is the time for some healing.
