A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

Update: Week 8 - Accomplishments

Hi!

Here's a run down of some recent accomplishments in my recovery period. I haven't been so quick to update my blog lately, so this is about a two week summary:

10/8/11 - 6 week follow up with Dr. Fulkerson, my orthopedic surgeon, who says I might be able to start weigh bearing at 10 weeks and to keep my brace unlocked, encouraging as much bending and movement in my knee as possible. Push for 90 degrees ROM in the CPM (working on it!).

10/14/11 - First out-patient physical therapy appointment at Boulder Orthopedic Physical Therapy with April Smith (and Megan, assistant) - they are GREAT. I completed 6 minutes of half rotations (think back-forth not all the way around) on a stationary recumbent bike. This bestowed much confidence in me hence the follow couple days of advancements...

10/14/11 - Showering on my own, no brace or trash bagged leg. Showering every morning now which feels so great and no more sponge baths for my left leg.

10/14/11 - No bucket in the shower to prop my straight leg up on; instead using the removable plastic toilet seat to rest my foot on.

10/15/11 - Sleeping without the brace on; laying on my right side with a pillow between by knees and ankles or laying flat on my back with a pillow under my knees.

10/15/11 - No more raised toilet seat & no more bucket! We ditched the raised toilet seat which was helpful because, well, it just was. And since I can bend my leg comfortably to at least 60 degrees, there is no need to prop my straight leg up on a upside down bucket on the bathroom floor.

10/16/11 - Warming up my leg in morning using the CPM which we left on the couch for the first night in almost two month. This meant no loud, bulky CPM or ice machine in bed!

10/16 & 23/11 - Helped prepare breakfast and dinner. Put a chair in the kitchen and sat and chopped fruits and veggies, stirred the pot, and occasionally stood with crutches or hobbled around to get one thing at a time... a little scary because I had to be careful not to slip.

10/18/11 - Unassisted bathing; getting in and out of the bath tub on my own (still sitting down in the tub and using the transfer bench).

10/18/11 - No more toilet seat in the bath tub - sounds funny, but true! When I was able to shower without the brace, we ditched the upside down bucket in the tub and used the 8 inch removable plastic toilet seat thingy so that I could rest my foot on something and my leg wouldn't just hang like dead weight and strain my knee. Well now my knee is more flexible. It hangs, I bend it, and try to get some extra motion in the knee while I warm up the muscles with hot water.

10/19/11 - Completed my forth out-patient PT session and did 6 minutes of full rotations on the stationary recumbent bike. Struggling to keep my hip down (raising the hip was a learned compensation to provide more leverage to bend my knee - not helpful!) and PUSH THROUGH a full rotation. April Smith (my fabulous physical therapist) had me concentrate on engaging the quad and glute of my RIGHT LEG and pushing hard with the right foot, forgetting the left leg and just letting it follow the motion determined by my right leg. All while taking my right hand and pushing down hard on my left hip to keep it from popping up off the seat. My low back and hip muscles would tense up, and this is something I'm working on changing. By the end of six minutes I had about 5 really smooth, fluid rotations. THAT felt amazing.

10/20/11 - Went shopping... like a normal person... I fulfilled needs without over doing it. I bought a new fleece-lined hoodie sweat shirt for the cold weather approaching and some new yoga pants (since that is all I pretty much wear these days). These are some things I needed but in no way felt "up to doing" in the days and weeks prior. Simple, but good progress.

10/21/11 - Disability Claim - Began a dialog with my surgeon to submit paperwork for an extension of short term disability to long term disability coverage, as a safety net. WE HOPE I can start back to work sometime around November 21st. My short term disability claim expires Nov 19th. It takes about one month to process a long term disability claim. I may go back to work by November 19th, but it may only be part time for a little while. The disability insurance company's rule is that an individual can continue to receive disability benefits, with doctor's notes, as long as the individual is working less than 80% of their regular hours.  In my case that would be 32 hours or less per 40 hour work week. Doctor's notes, recommendations, specific instructions like "part time" or "light duty" or changes to the work place are required by the insurance company. I think it makes sense to get the ball rolling on the long term disability coverage as a SAFETY NET, with the goal of being back to work at 100% as close to that 12 week mark (Nov 19) as possible.

10/22/11 - Pampering and self-care! Got my hair cut today. Simple as that. Made me feel really good. Also went out to brunch and sat with both legs bent under the table (yay! normal!) instead of one propped up or sticking out straight. Opened several of my own doors (to public bathroom, etc.), crutched along the Boulder Creek and sat on a bench with Alon by the creek, enjoying the autumn day. I also crutched about 5 blocks along the Pearl Street mall to check out BCAP's Souper Bowlder display at the Boulder Arts & Crafts shop. Later that afternoon I took a nap for nearly 3 hours - I was absolutely wasted when I got home at about 3pm. Alon had to wake me up at 6:30pm!

10/22/11 - Guided visualization used instead of pain meds to fall asleep. Alon took me on a verbal and visual journey through the stars and deep into the earth to help easy my pain and relax. He was great! It was a new approach brought on by the fact that I was just sick and tired of taking oxy or valium to fall asleep. So Alon's technique really helped and I think has a lot of promise if we take the time to keep practicing it. Alon actually fell asleep about 15 minutes before I did in this initial trial which was pretty funny, but all good!

10/23/11 - Washed a few dishes (about 10 minutes worth of standing and "doing"). Did a load of laundry by myself - I might think twice about telling Alon about this :-) I basically dragged a bag of dirty clothes while crutching from bedroom to laundry room (about 15 feet apart), separated items, and started her up.

10/23/11 - Skyped with family showing them how I can bend my left knee and lift my leg up and down. They were very excited so that was cool.

10/23/11 - Range of motion - "Gravitational Flexion" progresses at home. I sit on the kitchen table with both legs dangling off. I bend as far as I can go. Then Alon takes one hand and places it on the top of my ankle, where leg meet foot. I push into his hand as hard as I can, then relax, then he pushes my leg back. I keep my seat, pushing my left hip down and massaging my leg in different spots. We repeat this 2 or 3 times and hold each one for a few minutes until I can't bend any further. It HURTS! Duh. Then we release my leg altogether. I bring my leg up to straight, trying desperately to kick Alon's hand that is suspended high in the air. I more like just barely tap his hand. I repeat this part a few times till the motion is relatively fluid and smooth and then return to the bending exercise.

10/24/11 - Made tea for myself and Alon and put a few dishes away this morning! After that 15 minutes of doing stuff I was tired (mostly in my arms and right leg). The blood also rushes down into my left leg/foot and my left hip is holding so much of the weight that it also starts to feel the strain. So I hustled to sit down and stuck my leg in the CPM (up to 80 degrees in CPM this morning!).

Range of motion (ROM) - At the beginning of each physical therapy appointment April and I take about 30 minutes of loosening and bending and straightening my left knee and leg. It SUCKS, but it is worth every second of torture so I can make a full recovery. Here's a recap of how I'm doing at the start of 30 minutes (when I arrive) to the end of the 30 minutes. April assures that I am doing well and making progress, despite measurements that vary and show decreases:

Degrees of ROM:

10/12/11: 67.5 to 90 (took 500mg Tylenol)

10/14/11 65 to 90 (took 7.5 mg Oxycodone and 325mg Tylenol;

10/19/11 85 to 110 (took about 10mg Oxycodone and 650 mg Tylenol);

10/21/11 70 to 90 (just barely - I was very tight and soar from PT two days prior and did not take any oxycodone before this appointment)

I think next time I am going to try 5mg Oxycodone, 325mg Tylenol, and 5mg Valium. My low back and hip muscles were going into spasm on 10/21 so I think the Valium would help with that. Also, I get pretty worked up emotionally, so the Valium might take the edge off a bit. I also think the Oxy/Tylenol helps me get through the first painful 10 degrees (somewhere between 90 and 100 degrees) and then I just deal with it. This pain and emotional management thing is an ongoing learning process!

By the way... my quad, glutes, adductor and abductor muscles are getting visibly stronger now from two weeks of PT and daily home exercise routine. I just need to make sure I keep up on my shoulder and back exercises at home (using a T-band) because I've been slacking off there with all the focus on ROM lately, and my shoulders are starting to hurt a bit (from crutches/walker and previous shoulder injuries). ALSO, my left foot is getting better but still soar/swollen (tendonitis) and not back to 100% of its range of motion yet. When I stretch the foot it almost feels like I have shin splints. Eight weeks later, the left foot and knee are still a bit swollen. Most of my bruising is gone - just one little one left on the lateral calf that we are rubbing out daily.

A bit of reflection...

I've realized a lot recently about taking things granted - my life, my body, my friends and loved ones, help and kindness from others, the way I spend my day (thinking, eating, laughing, stressing out, doing, not doing), my sanity, and my "good" moments. I have a renewed appreciation for all of these things every day.

 Me at Boulder Creek this weekend.

Epic day... milestones reached!

1. During physical therapy this morning I managed to do ten unassisted leg lifts with my left leg. First 5 were slow and grueling... I wasn't sure if I could even get to four with a shooting pain going through my knee cap every so often. Docs said to work through the pain, so I am. Second 5 were quick and crazy. It felt kind of unbelievable the relative ease and quickness of the last five. While Alon stood in front of me at the end of the bed, watching, worrying, asking, "Is it time for me to spot you or do you want assistance yet?". I grit my teeth like I was biting down on a leather swatch, scrunched my face up, closed my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks, and replied, "No not yet, honey, thanks." Before each leg lift I tightened my abs and took in breath to my belly, to my solar plexus, and up into my chest. I read about this in "Poser... my life in 23 yoga poses" to really gain strength and focus. It was cool. I'm sure I wasn't doing "it" (whatever it is) perfectly, but it still kind of worked! After all exercises were said and done, I said, "Good job leg, good job body" out loud. I just held and caressed my leg and cried. Alon came over congratulated me and gave me hugs and said something like, "I guess that's what it's like to work out really hard!". I was like, "Um yea, I guess so!". It was all pretty awesome and very fulfilling.

I am so thankful for this body's ability to heal and be strong and triumph over adversity!

2. Talk about inspired... after PT I was like, "Let's go for a walk... no let's go out for breakfast!" I couldn't believe it. Alon piled me into the back seat, with my wheel chair and crutches in the trunk, and we scooted off. I really just felt ready to go out. Like I could handle an hour out on the town. I called ahead to Tangerine (www.tangerineboulder.com) explaining my predicament: that I was either going to be in a wheel chair with my left leg up and out straight or propped up on pillows and a chair. They don't usually take reservations, but they managed to "save" us a booth so I could just swing my leg up there on the bench seat and be comfortable. Alon brought pillows from home (kinda silly but whatever) and helped me get more comfortable. Did I mention how amazing and wonderful Alon is??? Thank you Rose (hostess) and Jackson (General Manager) for being so awesome, checking in with me and wishing me all sorts of healing love. Our server was also super sweet and genuine... didn't get her name though.

I am so thankful for the kindness of strangers. Plug for Tangerine.... www.tangerineboulder.com ... everything on the brunch menu is great, especially the fresh squeezed OJ and multigrain pancakes :)

3. Pain meds are steady at about 3.25mg oxycodone/160mg tylenol every 8 hours or so. Plus an occasional 500mg of additional tylenol or 400mg of ibuprofen. I definitely feel more in my own body and mind now, which is much different than being on 5-15mg of oxy every 6 hours! I've also got symphytum (thanks to Denise), Inflamyar (arnica+herbs) (thanks to Bree), and some other Chinese herbs (thanks to Dale) to promote good circulation, healing, and bone growth!

I am so thankful for a variety of healthy remedies... eastern and western medicine, homeopathic remedies, which all help to facilitate a healthy, balanced system.

4. We had quite a few visitors today after our epic morning. Some of Alon's family: Aunt Lynn and cousins Josh, Jenny and their kids Wiley and Felix all visited today. That was really nice, and they are a great bunch of people. Also, friends Ernie and his partner Bob visited who are also awesome. We shared a lot of stories and just friendly getting-to-know-each-other-better time... as well as oogling over Bob's new iPad and fancy magnetic cover. Tech geeks that we all are :-)

I am so thankful for family and friends!

5. After all that, Miss Erin took about a 3 hour nap! Not that that is a first or unusual these days, but goes to show that I did a lot and needed the rest today. The stars and planets and friends and loved ones were aligned for me today... giving me great strength, resilience, and determination... as well as lots of smiles, gratitude, and feelings of being my normal self.

I am thankful for sleep and rest :-)