Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

Anniversary can mean so many things

365 days of blogging... well, not really. More like 60-somethings posts. There were some breaks in there. But 365 days of recovery. Absolutely. And counting. 365 days of patience, perseverance, acceptance, frustration, sadness, gratitude, surprise, self-discovery, self-renewal, joy, support, learning, and love. Yes. Yes. Yes!

A year ago today I started this blog as a commitment to my health, to experiencing gratitude, and to living happily. Eight hours after my first blog entry - filled with optimism and sense of accomplishment, I crashed my bike on the side of the road and so began the most painful and frightening day of my life. About two years to the day, Alon and I signed our first lease together and I began to settle in to the most beautiful relationship of my life (sounds a little corny, but love can be that way sometimes and it's good!). Almost three years ago to the day, I found out my Mom was battling stage two breast cancer and I met Alon shortly thereafter. Four years to the day, I became part of a cohort at Naropa University who I would spend a year with studying transpersonal counseling psychology, mindfulness meditation, and wilderness therapy. Today, I find myself healthy and getting stronger, filled with gratitude for all things, people, and accomplishments in my life. And everyday - though sometimes it's a real struggle - I focus on and succeed in bringing more joy, peace, acceptance, and fulfillment into my life.

There have been just a few things I've learned this year... 1) the art of acceptance, 2) how to create more happiness and joy in my life, 3) how to tell a story, and 4) a great blogger updates people at least once a week and keeps her posts to 500 words or less (still working on that one).

That said, the new self-awareness I can share with you today includes... 

1) Transformation is beautiful, challenging, and awkward! (i.e. from extrovert to introvert)

2) I'm taking control of my life (to the extent possible) by making intentional choices focused on my happiness. (seems simple but it hasn't been!)

3) The courage to be me is always in demand.

4) I have enough. Right here. Right now.

5) I am perfect in every moment / every moment is perfect.

6) My truth and experience are valid, real, and worthy.

7) I experience a universal truth with you all, with everyone.

8) I am, without a doubt, a highly-sensitive person. (Yet another learning curve.)

9) I want to be a professional freelance writer. (gulp)

10) I am constantly learning and moving towards a higher goal / higher purpose.

And most of all... I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE!!! From within me and all of you. Love is truly abundant and everywhere. Thank you to everyone who has made this year so amazing, so humbling, easier, sweeter, more comfortable, less comfortable, and more forgiving. I love each and every one of you!

A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

My body is my temple

Quite a few people have asked me lately, "has this injury been a spiritual experience for you?" It's a really difficult question to answer. I think I can see where people are coming from though: has my experience affected me in some profound way? What is meant by "spirituality" anyways? I think it has changed almost constantly throughout my lifetime. In a good way. In a way that allows me to learn something new, see things in a new way, and not get stuck in a specific dogma that excludes all others. 

While blogging, I've shared with you the glimpses and glimmers of spirituality as it is often woven throughout my experience (and all of ours, if that's how we chose to see the world).

Today, while silently thinking about people's inquiry around spirituality and developing my own... I thought, "what is my spirituality to me right now?" At times I have been more focused on the intellectualizing of spirituality and religion, more devoted to my meditation practice, and more open and aware of the spiritual teachings of others. 

For the past 6 months I have been so enveloped by my recovery, physical training, emotional well-being, and relationships with my loved ones that my focus on spirituality has in a sense become less, I thought. When in fact I don't think it's become less. I think it has shifted even more from an external experience to an internal one. 

During this time I have never been so dedicated to my self. At the same time, my gratitude has never felt more abundant. I have never had to open myself up so much to receiving help and love from others. I have never been faced so directly with the challenge of self-acceptance and harnessing will power to overcome great personal adversity.

So anyways, as I sat kind of glazed over on a stationary bike at the gym staring out into a bright, sunshiney day I asked myself about spirituality - have I drifted away from it? What has changed for me? What is my spirituality now? 

An answer billowed inside of me:

"My body is my temple." 

Yes! This made perfect sense to me! To me, it meant that all the while this divine presence, the spiritual teachings I sought or thought that I might be missing were always within me and within my own experience as a physical being of this earth. This is great, I thought! Keep going! Ride this wave.

I didn't just hear the words my body is a temple or hear someone nearby say it (cuz lets face it, it's not the most original phrase, especially here in the yogi capital of the world: Boulder). I really felt my body as a sacred temple - as a place to experience my "awakening" of sorts. This body of mine is a place to cherish, to nourish, to take care of, to believe in, to accept, to love, to protect, to give of freely, and to be amazed by! 

Deep in my bones and in my muscles with each revolution on the bicycle the words echoed in my mind and resounded in my heart. It was reaffirming to know and deeply feel that my dedication to myself is not fleeting and it is so important. This is a forever commitment to myself. Who knew I would be woken up in this way by this injury and recovery process? 

This body of mine, this thing so easily taken for granted, so under appreciated at times, so neglected in the past... is not only what takes me on my spiritual path but it IS my path toward awakening, toward understanding, toward gratitude, and toward cultivating more love and acceptance of myself and in turn, of others.