5 Month Update

Physical Therapy:

• Roughly 3 more months of PT - next week I will be winding down from 2 x per week (for the next 2 weeks) to 1 x per week (weeks 3-6) to once every other week (weeks 7-12).
• Range of motion is 131 degrees on my own
• Hamstring strength is very good
• Quad strength is getting better, still needs work

Body's Condition:

• Hips and knees seem better aligned (evident during squats)
• Gait is improving, limp is almost unnoticeable at times 
• SI joint displacement leading to joint pain and sciatic nerve pain down right leg / off and on for last couple of weeks - becoming less frequent.
• Very tight psoas and hip flexors
• Increasing ab strengthening exercises to hopefully minimize the low back and hip pains  
• Weekly myofascial release (focusing left knee region) and massage therapy (Thai/full body)
• No pain relievers (Tylenol/Ibuprofen) for knee related pain in about 2 weeks!

Personal Update: 

For all intents and purposes, I have permanently reduced my work week hours to 32. After trying to hit 40 per week after the new year it proved to be too much. My overall health and rehabilitation were suffering. After reaching the decision on Monday and getting it formalized and approved on Tuesday, today I felt like a renewed person. I am very much looking forward to the reduced hours - after a lot of battling with myself, disappointment, and purposeful realigning of my goals to be more realistic, more achievable, and less devastating. 

The inquiry I find myself in more and more goes something like:

"What decisions can I make in each moment, every day, and over my lifetime to deeply feel as much health and happiness as possible?". 

The intention I wrote out this morning on the community "2012 intentions board" in my kitchen was:

I will do everything in my power to bring more personal awareness to and to achieve my optimal physical, mental, emotional, relationship, and spiritual health.

This is where I am at now. I am really starting to open up to some new awareness, to shed some old beliefs and perceptions, and to tap into the richness this experience has brought me. It feels really good and wholesome, very freeing. 

Surgeon's update to come ... next follow up appointment is this Friday, 1/27/12!

Physical Therapy Highlights!

Today was a fantastic day at physical therapy! Flexion was measured at 135 degrees with the unwavering assistance from my physical therapist, April. I made it to this position not once, but twice. It was awesome! Of note, I can be released from physical therapy once I am able to bend to 135 degrees on my own.

Last week we made some of my exercises more difficult. The most challenging is the one-legged, side-lying squat with a squishy balancing disc placed under my left heel (for pushing off of). Two sets of 5. It was remarkably easier to get started and keep the momentum this week, though still teeth-clenching and bursts of vocalization to make it through each repetition. Some day I will be where this girl is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tME4WKWr5d8. The next hardest would be the "monster walk". Imagine taking a thera-band (silver - maximum resistance), tied around your ankles, held taught at about should width apart, bending into a partial squat and stepping side ways. Going quite slowly to keep control of movement of both legs, and remaining in a squat. Each leg, inside and out, gets a total work out, not to mention the glutes, hamstrings, and calves. I did three laps across the gym floor (about 25 feet in one direction). And my legs and butt were on fire! Here's a muscly guy doing a wimpy version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CGNwL5xSd0.

Weekly Rewind (week 15+)

The update that just wouldn't end...

I feel like I can not top my post from December 2nd with all that excitement about walking. Since then, it's been a little hellish with good moments in between, no doubt. I've finally come around to posting an update after getting over sleep deprivation and feelings of depression:

Saturday 12/3

- woke up, headachy and sore, and took a hot aromatherapy Epsom salt bath

- walked around without crutches in the morning - snow and ice just beginning to melt, clutching Alon's arm tightly, as I stepped purposefully from house to car, car to Centro (for breakfast with friends, Jesse & Dan who were visiting from Germany!), Centro to home (where I CRASHED OUT, watched movies, read book, took bath), no pain while walking - what freedom!

- night time sleep ended abruptly and too soon, from 3am-6am, lots of deep soreness in my entire leg and also shoulders for some reason; valium/tylenol/ice/heat/pain relieving creams did not touch it.

Sunday 12/4

- woke up not too sore, but not well rested either - another sleepless night with pain and soreness like no other prevailing. I guess my muscles were doing overtime!

- we still walked around (no crutches) just to the Trident (for tea and hanging out) and actually it seemed to help me feel better.

- but I continued to feel the pains of my perseverance, as a full-body soreness began to creep up on me from my toes to my mid back in the early evening

- another morning's sleep wasted, up at 4am, wide awake and hurting. this was really starting to bum me out.

Monday 12/5

- fatigued, groggy and feeling depressed, I made it to work at 9am with the light at the end of the tunnel being my appointment with Dr. Fulkerson at 2:15, and then I would call it a day.

- doc confirmed strong progress and my next appointment will be at the end of January (yahoo!)

- Dr. Fulkerson wants to do an MRI sometime in the next 6 months to check my ACL (does it need sugery?).

- hardware (plate and six screws: which I plan to make into some behemoth jewelry!) will come out sometime around August 2012 and may be coupled with ACL surgery if deemed necessary - healing time would be 2 to 8 weeks depending on what gets done (plus more rehab if ACL is operated on).

- amidst all of this, Alon and I went to check out a new housing opportunity which would cut our living expenses in half! It's a community house, in a huge mansion (that's like saying a mansion mansion, which it was) in the historical district of downtown Boulder. We were quite impressed and will await an interview with all SIX housemates this coming Sunday.

- Monday evening I cried myself to sleep, just tired and sore beyond relief, with the help of Tylenol PM (at the recommendation of Dr. Fulkerson)

Tuesday 12/6

- woke up at 5am... at least it wasn't 3am! grudged along to work, groggy and foggy and hurting. I didn't hide it very well. I was back to using one crutch most of the day in hopes that it would provide relief. 

- I hadn't been to the gym since my PT appointment on Friday - I couldn't decide if that was okay or not. April (physical therapist) assured me that it was and walking again was going to be just as hard as I my experience was dictating, and to rest and recover and take it easy on myself! PT was low key that day. I could barely keep it together walking down the hall to PT. I remember saying "It's hard to tell myself 'It's okay, the day is going to be okay', when I am clearly not feeling okay and the day sucks hard! 

- I can't imagine the perseverance and strength my Mom had, for instance, when two years ago, every 3 weeks for several months, she just kept feeling shittier and shittier, chemo treatment and treatment - YET - you just know that whatever tough shit you're going through is part of the healing process. Her doctors told her "Give me a year and I'll give you your life back". That is an awesome phrase for anyone to hear who is going through an injury or illness that does have a light at the end of the tunnel. That's what I try to remind myself of during my darkest of moments (along side letting myself just have my dark moments). I am coming back to life, it's just difficult, that's all AND I am so fortunate and blessed in so many ways, so "SUCK IT UP, ERIN!".

Wednesday 12/7

- slept til 6am, wandered through the day, meeting after meeting, showing up, and getting maybe 3 things done on my to-do list. Produced a couple smiles, laughs, and went home - exhausted.

Thursday 12/8

- regaining my mental acuity, I started the day at work by participating in my 3rd phone conference of the week. I think I may have said one intelligent statement that was well articulated, asked one dumb question, and carried on with my day... some insane heel pain is whooping up, not sure what to make of it exactly.

- I worked out a 32 hour per week schedule with my supervisor earlier in the week - who has been SO supportive and flexible while I try to navigate recovery + work + maintaining my sanity. So, once again, my work day ended around 3:30pm which is REALLY NICE. Went home, biked 20 minutes at the gym to loosen up my knee and later on crashed out with my friend - you guessed it - Tylenol PM.

Friday 12/9

-  did I mention the INSANE HEEL PAIN?!!? I looked it up: The heel has a fatty cushion called the calcaneal fat pad that when not used (or injured, say from running too much) will deteriorate causing pain to the heel bone like a deep bruise with added sharp, crippling pains. Thin bone spur or plantar fasciitis (now I can relate to those people too!!) With increased use of my foot (i.e. walking) the fat pad will naturally build back up and the pain should subside. It's a balance between use and rest, ibuprofen and ice, and perhaps purchasing new kicks and a gel heel insert.

- PT was really good today (once the drugs kicked in)... we added new exercises to the routine - including harder squats, extension, and a cool exercise on the Pilates Reformers - and I just felt REALLY GOOD and STRONG and HAPPY! Everything glowed, even me.

- Alon and I ate dinner at home - a little something I whipped up in the microwave. Then I took us out for what was just supposed to be apple pie, but ended up being another full meal at Riffs (go to this restaurant - it's new in Boulder - and EXCELLENT in all ways!)

On the Pilates Reformer. Spring loaded tension as I do a half squat and slide my leg out. 2 sets of 10, also in reverse position.

Saturday 12/10

-  CHILLED. Bought travel size foam roller and new running shoes (after trying on at least 20 pairs in the last 2 weekends - found a pair that was comfortable!) :)

Highly recommended!

Sunday 12/11

- Finally went to the gym again and then, CHILLED.

- Alon and I also attended the interview as housemates at the Highland House which went really well. Seems like a cohesive, mature, good-natured, honest group of people to live with... we will see... and we will let the feeling sit for a couple days. Probably find out Tuesday what their final decision is.

Monday 12/12

- Worked til 4. Sat with Alon at Atlas Purveyors for an hour afterward enjoying a delicious home-brewed Rooibos chai and brought a black coffee to our famous Vincent, the street corner vendor (at 16th & Pearl) of The Denver Voice.

- Made a nice dinner of baked salmon with an organic locally-made apricot-jalapeno jam (bought at this summer's Peach Festival in Lafeyette with my Mom), coupled with spaghetti squash, and garlic-ginger sauteed greens.

- Got psyched up with Alon to go to the gym for an hour an a half at 8pm. Did my whole PT routine, dropping the biking portion down from 20 to 15 minutes (to avoid knee pains), and felt really good about it.

Tuesday 12/13

- Busy day of work with back to back meetings. 

- 20 minute coffee break with my friend Mary at Trident.

- Then a hearty PT session where we introduced 5 minutes of stair stepping (which almost killed me) and two variations of squats on the total gym where I used my left leg only (almost impossible), a modification on the wall slide squat where we tried to get 75% use out of my left leg and 25% out of my right, and two additional squats - one free standing bilateral functional squat and the other one standing on just my left leg using TRX straps. There is an undeniable learning curve here for my neuromuscular pathways, but at least I feel physically and mentally strong enough to try them now. Major progress and more to come!

- Alon and I got accepted as the new housemates at the Highland House. We are very excited! We'll be moving around January 5th (hiring movers, no doubt!). The cost savings is immense and the environment will be really cool and beautiful and wholesome (not cultish or sketchy, don't worry!).

Ta Da! That's it for now. Who actually read all this without falling asleep? Maybe just Mom and Dad and Mary... that's okay... love you guys :)

Going to 100% ain't so easy

So this week I started transitioning from two crutches and 50% weight bearing to one crutch and 75-100% weight bearing. Day one of walking about with two crutches and 75-100% weight bearing was not painful, but by evening time my knee was very swollen. The next day I awoke to more swelling and stiffness, particularly around the top of my shin bone and knee cap, and pain on the lateral side. No fun. Called my doctor just to notify her, and the advice was to back off, ice, elevate and try again in a couple of days. 

This past week continued to be difficult to keep swelling at bay while trying to increase weight bearing. So, for just a few minutes here and there through out each day I would try harder with one or both crutches. Again, there usually wasn't pain when I would walk but swelling would ensue later on.

Overall, I'm taking 1000-2000mg of Tylenol each day and rubbing some anti-inflammatory ointment on my knee which seems to help. Also ICING and ELEVATING! A few times a day every day this week, whether I am home or at work or at someone's house. It helps with any pain I have and certainly the swelling.

Today, I hobbled around mostly on one crutch. The foot pain was by far the worst today. It felt pretty awful since last night and this morning it was just as stiff and soar and painful. Walking on it sometime (in the past) would help loosen it up, but today it was just feeling worse. Oh well, I walked anyways, and as I did I said to myself, something like, "Foot, you are fine just stiff. Knee, you are strong and loose. Engage your quads and glutes. Press down off that toe, straighten your leg, and walk as normally as possible." That's a lot to say to oneself, but I was hoping it helped.

Also, I have been continuing my work outs. I took Wednesday and Thursday off, since we traveled for Thanksgiving. I was back at it Friday night for about an hour and a half (while Alon grocery shopped, bless him!). Today, since I walked so much and did more weight bearing, I will skip the gym (suggested by my PT).

Extension is still a challenge, though it wasn't in the beginning, it is now. PT this week got me flexing (bending) to 125 degrees, slowly and painfully. I was informed that my PT will continue until I can walk completely normally and do other activities like lunges without hesitation. Also, April (PT) said that she will continue to "bend me" until I reach 135 degrees. And that until I can comfortably and easily achieve 135 on my own, she will continue to work with me on that. All of this was very reassuring as I had a minor freak out, fearing getting booted out of therapy too soon. I was told this would not happen and not to even worry about that. Not that I have an unhealthy co-dependency with PT, but I see it as critical in my long-term recovery that I was afraid the "health care system" would "dismiss" me before I actually was ready. Not the case here. Sigh of relief.

Next week, or maybe tomorrow, I REALLY hope to do some pool therapy and work on my gait and body mechanics. Also, I want to increase my "shuffling" without ANY crutches, which I have been doing here and there, to perhaps fuller steps (no shuffling). This has been an awesome week in terms of fast turn around but also seeing the two steps forward one step back a lot too.

Update: Week 12 (the three month mark... Yahoo!)

Monday

Met with my surgeon, Dr. Fulkerson, this afternoon. Alon came with me. In a nutshell, Lauri said"...I am so proud of you and so happy for you. You have made it over the hump. I am not going to have to go in and scope out any scar tissue. You are going to be fine. Keep working as hard as you have been."

She was very pleased with the fluidity with which my knee could bend and move (to about 115 degrees) and confident with my progress. The reassurance and feedback was very validating.

We all sighed with relief and Lauri gave me a very tight-lipped, reassuring smile and head tilt of "job well done". It was wonderful. I gave her a high five! You can tell she was also pleased that her hard work in surgery did not go to waste.

I was approved to weight bear at 50% (two days ahead of schedule). Do that for 7-10 days. Then doc said go to 75-100% with one crutch for 7-10 days. She gave me the leeway to trust my body and mind and take an extra day or so to transition where and when I need to (within the range she specified).

She also cleared me to go swimming, hot tubbing, and take baths! Yay!

Also, Dr. Fulkerson said the stabbing pain and soreness on the medial side of my left knee is likely a result from scar tissue. The scar tissue has built up significantly on the lateral side (where the tibial plateau was crushed) and where part of the incision is. This is pulling my knee cap slightly to that side causing some of that pain on the medial side. 

I also told her about the "figure four" resistance exercises that I am doing with April (my PT). We started those last week. That exercise works the muscle from the inside of my left knee, up the thigh, across the quad, and diagonally over to the IT band. That, along with weight bearing is likely the trigger for the knee pain. 

Lauri said if any consistent pain surfaces on the lateral side to let her know and that is of concern because that is where the majority of the damage was. Right now, I just feel some tenderness where the hamstring and quad attachment points are along the thigh. So I think I am in the clear right now as well.

I will see her again on December 2nd. We'll take more x-rays then (no x-rays were taken at this last visit).

Made it to the gym at 9:30 at night for a 25 minute work out. 15 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes of foam roller (on IT band, hamstring and calf) and some quad sets/extension stretches. It was a hard day and I felt like crap when I went, but glad I did.

Tuesday

Kicked some booty in PT: bent to 120 again. Grudgingly. I still cried on like the last 2 bends. It is still just so damn painful - all over the place. From the ankle to various parts of the knee, calf, quad, hamstring, and of course low back - which eventually relaxes as I begin to relax into the pain and try to let it go. I only took the 500mg of Tylenol before this session. The flexion/extension with April was slightly more painful, but I did not feel the "drug fatigue" that I would have felt had I taken the oxycodone. I think I'll save those for bed time (as needed). I was completely wiped out come 6:30, so Alon and I order Thai. I ate - quickly. Took a hot shower - slowly. And was in bed by 8:40. Took valium to chill out the overall soreness and pains in my knee. Asleep by 9:30. Zzzzz.

Wednesday 

Worked another long-ish day: 5.5 hours. That feels about perfect to me. Anyways, rested for a bit afterward but within 20 minutes of being home and literally putting my feet up, I could feel my leg start to stiffen and cramp. I went to the gym promptly doing my full routine. My knee, leg, and low back felt very loose while biking today. The rest was "routine". Might try swimming and hot tub tomorrow evening with Alon.

Thursday

No go on the physical activity today, outside of going to work (another 5.5 hours). Felt pretty tired, swollen, and soar with bouts of stabbing pains in my knee. All "normal". I was blessed with a very nice massage and girl-time from my friend, Bree. That was by far the highlight. She is awesome. I wish we could find more time to spend together. Anyways, despite that I still took a bunch of meds before bedtime (which was about 9am) = 500mg ibuprofen, 325mg Tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, and 5 mg Valium. I was out like a light... till about 4:30/5am. This seems to be the norm for the past couple of weeks - the waking up at 3 or 4am. Fortunately this time, I only stayed awake for a short period of time.

Friday 

Worked a solid 5.5 hours, sluggishly yet productively. Good to know I can still get things done :) Bumped my PT appointment to 4pm instead of 4:30, hoping that I will have a slightly increased reserve of energy. I took a 5mg Valium before the appointment to chill me out during the "bending" portion of PT - because I can get pretty worked up physically, mentally and emotionally - and ESPECIALLY when I am as tired as I am. I guess it kind of worked. Progress in that regard was 123 degrees of flexion. Extension is getting harder (to be expected with continual progress in bending). So two tricks I was taught this week with that one is to lay down, face down, on the bed, legs hanging off the edge of the bed just above the knee. Sounds yucky, right? Well, if my knee is not even close to hyper extension because of all the scar tissue, this exercise is fine. The other trick is to prop my foot up about a foot with my leg extended straight and just keep relaxing the leg and knee. Hold this position for about 5 minutes (same as the other one), and then come back to bending. Both feel excruciatingly painful in the end, BUT absolutely essential to get and maintain full extension in my leg. I did take 1000mg of Tylenol today. Seems a bit over the top but at this point my liver considers that a break. There is a pot luck at my friend Katrin's tonight. I hope I make it, but it's not looking good (energy-wise). There is the whole "mind over matter" thing, so who knows, I could get a second wind! This weekend is all about RELAXING and RECUPERATING. Boulder may get a good deal of snow Saturday, so I am hoping to cozy up inside, drink copious amounts of tea, read and maybe do arts and crafts, and grocery shop if I absolutely have to.

That last paragraph was a complete stream of consciousness but I don't feel like editing it and organizing it. This is after all, more a like a journal sometimes than anything else. I learn something about myself, and maybe my reader picks up a thing or two as well.

Take care and love to you all.

Update: Week 11 - Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter:

In no other instance was this truer than a shared experience today during my first half hour of physical therapy with April and Alon.

I was bending at 116 degrees. We'd done it three, maybe four times. We'd been going for about 15 minutes or so, of bending and extending (straightening). Sharp pains increasing like daggers stabbing through the side of my knee. The knee began to tighten. Mentally I started to feel weak and tired. (I was actually tired going in - I think the oxycodone I took an hour before hand was making me feel fatigued. I may skip it next time, since the only time I seem to take them is right before PT). My hip was lifting off the table. Then I could only get to 110 degrees or so. Frustration and weakness set in. The tears began to fall. My breathing got short. April reminded me to stay calm and try not to get anxious or down on myself. Alon demonstrated deep inhales and exhales. I mimicked them.

"Don't let it get to you!" I thought to myself, then said it out loud. 

"Acknowledge the pain and fear and frustration, briefly. Then, tell yourself to RELAX."

"JUST RELAX." I repeated over and over out loud.

"It's okay. Calm down. Relax into the pain. You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Then, we got to 116. 118. 120!

I actually felt relaxed. My body was laying in a somewhat peaceful state. My mind was somewhat peaceful as well. The discomfort and tightness in my knee and quad was there, but it was not unbearable. I was talking. Taking long slow inhales and exhales. LAUGHING EVEN. We were making jokes of some kind. I think I said, "Let's do it for all the American Soldiers!" (Being that it was Veteran's Day.) I was half-joking (at least Alon & April laughed) but also trying to find any inspiration or distraction I could to KEEP GOING and OVERCOME.

Bent at 120 degrees we held this for about a minute. I relaxed and straightened the leg (always painful after bending like this). Then back to 120, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. I was absolutely amazed. My mind and heart and soul had overcome the mental and physical barriers of pain, fear, weakness, and frustration yet again. Right then in a matter of moments.

It was some kind of bliss seeping through a sieve of pain and frustration from sheer will and determination. I felt liberated.

Update: Week 10 (going into 11)

So as of Sunday, November 6th I started weight bearing 25% of my weight, or roughly 40 pounds, onto my left leg. How this happens is I stand with my right leg planted on the floor and my left leg on a scale. I press onto the scale until it reads 40 pounds. Then I walk around trying to mimic that weight and sensation. I'll come back to the scale a couple times during the day to see if I am maintaining that pressure. It's hard! Usually I am at about 25-30 pounds when I think I am at 40. It doesn't hurt my leg much at first, it's mostly awkward and feels slightly unstable. 

I am also experiencing some of the "pins and needles" or tingling feeling in the bottom of my foot, mostly on the ball of the foot, towards the middle, and along the arch way. This happens as I walk and put added weight onto my leg and foot. It's normal. It means I am getting sensation back and re-establishing those nerve endings and pathways to my brain. It's uncomfortable, temporarily painful, but I just keep walking and the tingling tends to work itself out.

I am being mindful to not develop a limp in my stride, just keep it as smooth and steady as possible, which right now also means walking quite slowly. And I am trying to even out my hips as I walk as much as possible because Lord knows my left hip is rotated and a few inches (it feels like) higher than my right hip from holding the leg UP and out of the way for so long.

My low back gets a little cramped up from time to time, but mostly my body is holding up well.

I am still going to PT twice a week and the gym on off days - aiming for at least 4 days per week at the gym (doing the same exercises as I do at PT). I've had some struggles recently getting to the gym, from tiredness, soreness, etc. but once I get there I end up feeling 100% better! On that note, I encourage you all to get your asses to the gym or at least do SOMETHING physically active EVERY DAY. Your body will love you for it.

Last week's PT stats are as follows: added 3 different types of squats to the hour and a half session (ouch!)... good, effective, and tiring. My range of motion last week was something like 98-110 and 98-112. Today I went 98-116! And on my own, I could bend my leg (after some warm ups) to 113. That was incredible! I couldn't believe it. I really need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself some more credit... as stated by my physical therapist. She said I am making great progress, and to expect some harder days and nights ahead (again!) as I start to weight bear more and increase exercises and mobility.

I'm doing a lot more around the house - that is: cooking and getting my own meals regularly. Not so much cleaning, feeding kitty, or making the bed or anything yet because I'm just not that agile or stable on two feet yet. But the last couple days, I've given myself a bunch of extra time in the morning and I'm fed, with tea to go, and ready for work in about an hour and a half. The hot showers in the morning (with hot water on my leg) still really help loosen up my muscles and give me time to work on flexion and extension in a seated position.

I have a care provider coming just once this week and once next week (while I am at work) to do some house cleaning and cooking. Then, hopefully I will be back to my home routines... which at that point, might include shoveling snow! BOOO :(

Speaking of yard work, Alon raked the front and back yard this past weekend. I watched. I longed to just rake the yard. I really would have enjoyed that. God, it is hard to just not be able to do certain things like that. I am thankful for Alon and know I'll be back at it soon enough, but damn, I still have a good deal of sorrow and frustration some days.

The other day I had a dip in mood, feeling sorry for myself and what came out of my mouth, to my surprise, was "I can't believe this happened." It's true. I still can't believe it sometimes. From the wisdom and truth of my physical therapist April today, she said something like, "You gotta have those moments and let yourself feel it. But at the end of the day, where is your anger and frustration going to get you? (The answer: Nowhere.) Focus all your (my) energy on working hard, healing and getting stronger. Focus your energy and emotion right into the knee!" And that was the moment today when I bent to 116 degrees. Good stuff! Powerful. Our minds are our greatest barriers sometimes. This whole process is really about balance and awareness, in every way. Isn't everything?

Play Therapy at the Park! (pictures)

Yesterday, Alon and I and our friend Kat went to North Boulder Park. While Alon and Kat walked her dog, I played on the swings and started making up my own exercises. It was freeing, uplifting, empowering, and fun! Before hand, I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep, but deep down I wanted to test my endurance and push myself. I had already pushed myself that day (socializing, eating out, crutching around plus a lack of sleep)... but I am so glad I pushed a little more and discovered these moments of joy in the fresh, crisp Boulder air at the base of the Foothills.

Here I am (click on photos to enlarge):

Extension on the way up...

Flexion on the way back...

Runner's lunge, Position 1: Flexion. The majority of my weight is supported by the swing's saddle, my back (right) leg, and hands. Just a light toe touch on my left leg (permitted by doc).

Runner's lunge, Position 2: Extension. Just trying to straighten that left leg and feel a good stretch!

Look at me, I can fly! :-)

Physical Therapy Breakthough!

Pain is okay today. Still took an oxy and rubbed pain reliever cream (like icy hot) on my knee today because I could feel some sharp pain seeping in. But as I type I am sitting without a brace with both legs dangling over the edge of the couch. Right ankle crossed over left, applying slight pressure to push my left leg back. Knee feels tight, but tolerable.

Kind of made a break through in PT Tuesday! I was laying face up on the exam table (per usual - sometimes we do face down, and that is no fun). Face cloth in mouth to bite down on and muffle my screams. I know, kind of a pathetic sight. Squeezing the bajesus out of the stress ball in my right hand. Right foot pushing down furiously into the table top. Glutes flexed... talking myself into relaxation. April by my left side ready to get me bending. I had come into the appointment, smiling and laughing, the usual Erin. Then, Jekyll meets Hyde.

That said - On Tuesday October 25th during out patient PT with our beloved April Smith, it was easier to get to 98 degrees than ever before (still painful). Maybe it was all that talking to my knee in the wee hours of the morning. At 108 degrees of flexion my hip actually relaxed with less effort each time. We did this repeatedly with the same success about 3 times. We held it at 108 degrees for about a minute each time. It still hurt, but I could mentally and physically feel a shift. It made me (all three of us) so happy. We all realized this change was happening. All the while, Alon hovered over me holding me down and pushing my shoulders down into the table so I wouldn't skootch back. It actually worked as awful as it sounds. And I loved having Alon there, with his good energy and intentions and strength supporting my progress. 

April noticed that the muscles in my leg were contracting less (or something like that). She said we have worked through most of the muscular pain. The muscular contractions and pain were previously stopping us from progressing (she could feel it as could I). She said she felt like I have started to move into an actual physical stop, the scar tissue. This is good. This is okay. She says it should be easier and less painful to work through the scar tissue. Should I believe her? I do.

I can really see and feel progress, like my left leg hangs more easily around 90 degrees and I can push just a hair beyond that without so much pain as before.

YAY! Love to you all!

Update: Week 8 - Accomplishments

Hi!

Here's a run down of some recent accomplishments in my recovery period. I haven't been so quick to update my blog lately, so this is about a two week summary:

10/8/11 - 6 week follow up with Dr. Fulkerson, my orthopedic surgeon, who says I might be able to start weigh bearing at 10 weeks and to keep my brace unlocked, encouraging as much bending and movement in my knee as possible. Push for 90 degrees ROM in the CPM (working on it!).

10/14/11 - First out-patient physical therapy appointment at Boulder Orthopedic Physical Therapy with April Smith (and Megan, assistant) - they are GREAT. I completed 6 minutes of half rotations (think back-forth not all the way around) on a stationary recumbent bike. This bestowed much confidence in me hence the follow couple days of advancements...

10/14/11 - Showering on my own, no brace or trash bagged leg. Showering every morning now which feels so great and no more sponge baths for my left leg.

10/14/11 - No bucket in the shower to prop my straight leg up on; instead using the removable plastic toilet seat to rest my foot on.

10/15/11 - Sleeping without the brace on; laying on my right side with a pillow between by knees and ankles or laying flat on my back with a pillow under my knees.

10/15/11 - No more raised toilet seat & no more bucket! We ditched the raised toilet seat which was helpful because, well, it just was. And since I can bend my leg comfortably to at least 60 degrees, there is no need to prop my straight leg up on a upside down bucket on the bathroom floor.

10/16/11 - Warming up my leg in morning using the CPM which we left on the couch for the first night in almost two month. This meant no loud, bulky CPM or ice machine in bed!

10/16 & 23/11 - Helped prepare breakfast and dinner. Put a chair in the kitchen and sat and chopped fruits and veggies, stirred the pot, and occasionally stood with crutches or hobbled around to get one thing at a time... a little scary because I had to be careful not to slip.

10/18/11 - Unassisted bathing; getting in and out of the bath tub on my own (still sitting down in the tub and using the transfer bench).

10/18/11 - No more toilet seat in the bath tub - sounds funny, but true! When I was able to shower without the brace, we ditched the upside down bucket in the tub and used the 8 inch removable plastic toilet seat thingy so that I could rest my foot on something and my leg wouldn't just hang like dead weight and strain my knee. Well now my knee is more flexible. It hangs, I bend it, and try to get some extra motion in the knee while I warm up the muscles with hot water.

10/19/11 - Completed my forth out-patient PT session and did 6 minutes of full rotations on the stationary recumbent bike. Struggling to keep my hip down (raising the hip was a learned compensation to provide more leverage to bend my knee - not helpful!) and PUSH THROUGH a full rotation. April Smith (my fabulous physical therapist) had me concentrate on engaging the quad and glute of my RIGHT LEG and pushing hard with the right foot, forgetting the left leg and just letting it follow the motion determined by my right leg. All while taking my right hand and pushing down hard on my left hip to keep it from popping up off the seat. My low back and hip muscles would tense up, and this is something I'm working on changing. By the end of six minutes I had about 5 really smooth, fluid rotations. THAT felt amazing.

10/20/11 - Went shopping... like a normal person... I fulfilled needs without over doing it. I bought a new fleece-lined hoodie sweat shirt for the cold weather approaching and some new yoga pants (since that is all I pretty much wear these days). These are some things I needed but in no way felt "up to doing" in the days and weeks prior. Simple, but good progress.

10/21/11 - Disability Claim - Began a dialog with my surgeon to submit paperwork for an extension of short term disability to long term disability coverage, as a safety net. WE HOPE I can start back to work sometime around November 21st. My short term disability claim expires Nov 19th. It takes about one month to process a long term disability claim. I may go back to work by November 19th, but it may only be part time for a little while. The disability insurance company's rule is that an individual can continue to receive disability benefits, with doctor's notes, as long as the individual is working less than 80% of their regular hours.  In my case that would be 32 hours or less per 40 hour work week. Doctor's notes, recommendations, specific instructions like "part time" or "light duty" or changes to the work place are required by the insurance company. I think it makes sense to get the ball rolling on the long term disability coverage as a SAFETY NET, with the goal of being back to work at 100% as close to that 12 week mark (Nov 19) as possible.

10/22/11 - Pampering and self-care! Got my hair cut today. Simple as that. Made me feel really good. Also went out to brunch and sat with both legs bent under the table (yay! normal!) instead of one propped up or sticking out straight. Opened several of my own doors (to public bathroom, etc.), crutched along the Boulder Creek and sat on a bench with Alon by the creek, enjoying the autumn day. I also crutched about 5 blocks along the Pearl Street mall to check out BCAP's Souper Bowlder display at the Boulder Arts & Crafts shop. Later that afternoon I took a nap for nearly 3 hours - I was absolutely wasted when I got home at about 3pm. Alon had to wake me up at 6:30pm!

10/22/11 - Guided visualization used instead of pain meds to fall asleep. Alon took me on a verbal and visual journey through the stars and deep into the earth to help easy my pain and relax. He was great! It was a new approach brought on by the fact that I was just sick and tired of taking oxy or valium to fall asleep. So Alon's technique really helped and I think has a lot of promise if we take the time to keep practicing it. Alon actually fell asleep about 15 minutes before I did in this initial trial which was pretty funny, but all good!

10/23/11 - Washed a few dishes (about 10 minutes worth of standing and "doing"). Did a load of laundry by myself - I might think twice about telling Alon about this :-) I basically dragged a bag of dirty clothes while crutching from bedroom to laundry room (about 15 feet apart), separated items, and started her up.

10/23/11 - Skyped with family showing them how I can bend my left knee and lift my leg up and down. They were very excited so that was cool.

10/23/11 - Range of motion - "Gravitational Flexion" progresses at home. I sit on the kitchen table with both legs dangling off. I bend as far as I can go. Then Alon takes one hand and places it on the top of my ankle, where leg meet foot. I push into his hand as hard as I can, then relax, then he pushes my leg back. I keep my seat, pushing my left hip down and massaging my leg in different spots. We repeat this 2 or 3 times and hold each one for a few minutes until I can't bend any further. It HURTS! Duh. Then we release my leg altogether. I bring my leg up to straight, trying desperately to kick Alon's hand that is suspended high in the air. I more like just barely tap his hand. I repeat this part a few times till the motion is relatively fluid and smooth and then return to the bending exercise.

10/24/11 - Made tea for myself and Alon and put a few dishes away this morning! After that 15 minutes of doing stuff I was tired (mostly in my arms and right leg). The blood also rushes down into my left leg/foot and my left hip is holding so much of the weight that it also starts to feel the strain. So I hustled to sit down and stuck my leg in the CPM (up to 80 degrees in CPM this morning!).

Range of motion (ROM) - At the beginning of each physical therapy appointment April and I take about 30 minutes of loosening and bending and straightening my left knee and leg. It SUCKS, but it is worth every second of torture so I can make a full recovery. Here's a recap of how I'm doing at the start of 30 minutes (when I arrive) to the end of the 30 minutes. April assures that I am doing well and making progress, despite measurements that vary and show decreases:

Degrees of ROM:

10/12/11: 67.5 to 90 (took 500mg Tylenol)

10/14/11 65 to 90 (took 7.5 mg Oxycodone and 325mg Tylenol;

10/19/11 85 to 110 (took about 10mg Oxycodone and 650 mg Tylenol);

10/21/11 70 to 90 (just barely - I was very tight and soar from PT two days prior and did not take any oxycodone before this appointment)

I think next time I am going to try 5mg Oxycodone, 325mg Tylenol, and 5mg Valium. My low back and hip muscles were going into spasm on 10/21 so I think the Valium would help with that. Also, I get pretty worked up emotionally, so the Valium might take the edge off a bit. I also think the Oxy/Tylenol helps me get through the first painful 10 degrees (somewhere between 90 and 100 degrees) and then I just deal with it. This pain and emotional management thing is an ongoing learning process!

By the way... my quad, glutes, adductor and abductor muscles are getting visibly stronger now from two weeks of PT and daily home exercise routine. I just need to make sure I keep up on my shoulder and back exercises at home (using a T-band) because I've been slacking off there with all the focus on ROM lately, and my shoulders are starting to hurt a bit (from crutches/walker and previous shoulder injuries). ALSO, my left foot is getting better but still soar/swollen (tendonitis) and not back to 100% of its range of motion yet. When I stretch the foot it almost feels like I have shin splints. Eight weeks later, the left foot and knee are still a bit swollen. Most of my bruising is gone - just one little one left on the lateral calf that we are rubbing out daily.

A bit of reflection...

I've realized a lot recently about taking things granted - my life, my body, my friends and loved ones, help and kindness from others, the way I spend my day (thinking, eating, laughing, stressing out, doing, not doing), my sanity, and my "good" moments. I have a renewed appreciation for all of these things every day.

 Me at Boulder Creek this weekend.

Week 7: Bullet points from my first week of out-patient PT

Take the pain meds about 1 hour BEFORE your PT appointment. If you have a good physical therapist, which you MUST, she/he knows what they are doing and you're not going to re-injure yourself. I am pushing through the pain and difficulty of scar tissue, swelling, and stiffness accompanied by muscular atrophy.

Arrive 10 minutes early to get some heat on this part of your body about to be worked on. This gets blood flow to the area and loosens up muscle (what's left), soft tissue, and tendons.

Bring a stick, leather swatch, or as I did, a face cloth to bite down on as you cry and scream at the top of your lungs including many expletives within ear shot of the rest of the physical therapy office.

Make your appointments at least 2 weeks out at a time, and get the days and times you want.

Bring a friend (if you're the type who wants people around during trying times) - someone with a strong stomach who can take seeing you in pain and working hard without offering pity or condolences.

I was at 67.5 degrees at the beginning of my appointment and the physical therapist got me to 90 degrees with a half hour of aggressive assisted flexion. It sucked, but anything is possible!

Massage the area of the injury and the scar as often as possible; break down scar tissue and restore sensation. Make friends with your body; with the painful parts, the numb parts, the skin that feels spongy and weird. If you don't want to massage it, have a trusted friend or massage therapist do it.

Keep pushing yourself at home with all PT exercises, including the range of motion, at least two times per day, as prescribed. Take the pain meds, suck it up, and make progress!

The Constant Passive Movement machine is still in active use. My goal is to increase by 5 degrees every day or so - or at least continue to make steady progress. Sometimes I have hit plateaus, like at 40 degrees and 60, I was there for a few days and that's that. But today (Sunday) I'm at 75 degrees. And by Wednesday, by God, I really hope to be at 90 - feeling the pain but able to keep my left hip down and body relaxed with as little wincing as possible. I've decided to try to do the CPM for a half hour per day at max range of motion a few times per day and then lay off it while I sleep.

Unlock the brace. Let your leg swing, dangle, and move as much as possible.

Trust your physical therapist. Your mind and body might say "Stop! It hurts!". Your PT will say otherwise. Listen to him/her. You want to walk again and do athletic type activities again, right? 

DO THE WORK. DON'T SLACK. ASK FOR HELP TO MEET YOUR GOALS.

TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT. LOVE YOURSELF. REWARD YOURSELF. YOU'RE NOT A BABY OR A WIMP. 

(All of the info above and through out this blog is my experience and interpretation of instructions from my doctors and physical therapists regarding my injuries. Consult your own medical care providers regarding your own specific care and injuries.)

6 Week Update: Medical, Emotional, Mental, & Physical

MEDICAL UPDATE:

Here are the bullet items from my appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Fulkerson, yesterday (Thursday 10/6/11):

• I experienced a BI-LATERAL tibial plateau fracture (TPF). This was new to me. I thought only the lateral side was crushed but the medial side had a huge fracture down the entire length, splitting it off into a triangular piece. I became fully aware of this on Thursday when Dr. Fulkerson, Alon and I looked at the pre-op x-rays together. This is the first time I had seen the pre-op x-rays - they were troubling and interesting to say the least.
• Medial: closer to the body's midline. Lateral: closer to the left (in my case) or right side of the body.
• There is a Roman Numeral scaling system for TPFs that goes from I-VI (least severe to most severe). When you have a bi-lateral TPF both sides of the plateau are fractured and you are in the range of IV to VI, based on my internet research and chatting with my doc. I was likely a V. Had both plateaus (instead of just the one) been crushed or broken off completely I would have been a VI and likely a candidate for a full knee replacement! Holy crap, right? Imagine if I came out of the operating room with a scar from mid thigh to mid shin and a truly bionic knee, not just a plate and a 6 screws? This new news, increasing the realization of the devastation of my injury and need for a major comeback scared me immensely and totally overwhelmed me. As I write this (one day later), I still feel scared and overwhelmed.
• My injury: The medial side of the tibial plateau was severely fractured (like the picture of the left knee in the link above) while the lateral side was severely crushed (just small pieces of bone fragment and chunks of cartilage flaking off - patches of cartilage gone for good) - the latter was the primary concern during surgery.
• Lateral TPF: This is the side that was crushed, bone graphed and plated. The top contour, from front to back, of the lateral side of the tibial plateau was congruous (smooth) which is great, yet still lower than the lateral side which is, well, not so great but not surprising. The surface formation was also good. Dr. Fulkerson's goal was to raise that crushed side up as much as possible to its original state using the bone graph and plates. She did her best, and a great job at that. It is what is now and she is satisfied with the outcome. My call to action now is to strengthen the crap out of my left leg so I'm not weak in that area and have less of a "knock-knee" (that she predicts).
• Medial TPF: This is the side that had the jagged break that created a triangle piece of broken bone. Looks like it's healing ok. No surface damage or crushed bone here like the other side. Still SHOCKED that this side was busted too... oh well!
• Other fractures: There were two fractures along the shaft of the tibia that were clean breaks and are healing if not healed by now. The fracture at the top of the fibula that connects to the lateral plateau: same. 
• Weight-bearing: The non-weight bearing issue is basically related to the crushed plateau and how quickly that heals. It is possibly that I might be weight-bearing at ten weeks instead of twelve. Exciting! We'll see at my next follow up appointment in four weeks (Nov. 7th), which will be the ten week mark.
• Ligaments: The meniscus tear was in the back on the medial side. Dr. Fulkerson said she had to cut some of it in order to do the repair. She said there was an avulsion of the meniscus. The ACL, as I mentioned before, was not visibly torn, but instead tore off with a piece of bone attached to it. She gently, accurately placed the puzzle back together and is hoping for a complete recovery. She said it is possible that there were micro tears in the ACL, but of course impossible for her to tell since she is an awesome orthopedic surgeon but does not have microscopic vision. At this point, there is no way of knowing how either ligament is healing. We'll know more as I go through the physical therapy, etc.
• Physical therapy: I received a prescription from Dr. Fulkerson to start out patient physical therapy next week (exciting and scary!), one to two times a week until they can progress me to more visits per week. Part of me is thinking "Well, it's about a 3 mile walk to PT. I wonder when I can do that?" Then, a friend or loved one gives me this stare down like "You're crazy. Give it time." And I am reminded to "be in the moment!".
• Prognosis: Overall, Dr. Fulkerson is "reasonably optimistic" that I will make a "near full recovery". So that's about the best news you can get from the mouth of a reasonably cautious, very talented doctor.
• There is no additional surgery needed at this time. My assumption is, sometimes there could be additional surgery at this time if someone is healing properly. I have been encouraged to bend my knee as much as possible to avoid having surgery to "scope out scar tissue". Yuck. I am currently bending at about 85 degrees, but could go to 90 with an extra dose of courage (much needed at this point!). My goal is to advance my range of motion (ROM) by about 5 degrees every day. We have a new technique for this (see "gravitational flexion" below).

PHYSICAL/MENTAL/EMOTIONAL UPDATE:

So speaking of bending my knee. I am feeling very disconnected from this part of my body right now. I have been feeling this way for the last few days. Disconnected from my left leg in general. For six weeks I have been lifting my leg with both hands in and out of the brace or on and off the CPM when necessary or up onto a bucket to rest when I go pee, as if I was a paraplegic. This is incredibly frightening. The entire experience.

Yesterday, with Dr. Fulkerson we tested my range of motion in this way, Gravitational Flexion: sit up on the examination table, scoot to the end so that the knee is past the edge of the table. Brace removed, Dr. Fulkerson rests the heel of my left foot in one of her hands with her other hand supporting near the top of my calf. My leg is now out in the open air, supported solely by this woman, who I thought I felt trust and respect for. However, I was scared. My reaction to this test: I start to cry, shake, hyperventilate, tell to her stop, ask her what she is going to do next. NOTHING BUT FEAR. So much fear came over me: it felt like someone was pushing me out of an airplane with no parachute. 

Dr. Fulkerson immediately identified with what I was feeling. Told me it was understandable and reasonable, that she would probably react the same way AND that FEAR was going to be my biggest obstacle right now and then I HAD to get through it/over it. It was an earful - but she was right! Yes, I need to listen to my body (and I do) but the mind is a powerful thing that has the ability to convince of something that is not true or prevent me from progress, in this case. We talked about how my leg would not snap off and break in half, that the plateau fractures would not get re-injured in this way, and that I was okay and I was going to get through this.

We graduated to a bent leg of 75 degrees, off the edge of the table, allowing gravity to do it's work. It was actually easy in a sense. There was NO PAIN, only fear. 

The mental trip was this: I was dangling my limbs off the edge of Half Dome (a 2000 foot flat faced rock at Yosemite National Park - a favorite spot for experienced rock climbers - otherwise a place to embrace one's fear of heights reconciled by natural beauty). Dr. Fulkerson said I could likely bend to 90 degrees right then but she thought she had traumatized me enough. We both laughed! I said, "We could try 90," with like ZERO conviction. She said NO and slowly raised me back up to 180 degrees. Where I kind of shuffled to get back into my security blanket, the leg brace.

So I think I have some stuff to work with!

Alon had his hand on my back the whole time I was with Dr. Fulkerson. I could feel his gentleness and strength right there coming through his hand. It reminded me of a Hakomi (type of psychotherapy practice) workshop exercise I had done with a partner, where the precise placement of a gentle hand on someone's back can fulfill a need and provide the exact comfort one desires. Alon somehow knew exactly where and how to place his hand. I imagine the experience might have practically brought him to tears watching me, but he seemed okay. Alon shared later that I made a huge step toward normalcy today and that I was very strong overcoming more fear and uncertainty and re-discovering ability! Yay! for positive reinforcement!

I do have some leg muscles left; coupled with desire and will power. I am able to do leg lifts and slides much more easily than before and so I have been trying to shift my behavior from this assisted lifting with my hands to mindful, coordinated action of: engage the core, tighten the glutes, tighten the quad, flex the toes, lift the leg. Go. Annnnd REST. There is no question that this process is tiring, frustrating, strengthening, and courageous. Whether I'm doing some sort of necessary bodily function or activity (like walking or bathing) or doing PT or modified yoga poses, THIS extreme attentiveness is what it looks and feels like. Eventually, it will all become second nature again and I can bend my leg more and do things with but for now I have to be completely present with whatever action I need my left leg to do or it won't happen or I risk hurting myself. 

Despite all this, despite my modified yoga poses in the sunshine in the backyard which give me a few moments of bliss and accelerated heart rate... I still feel very disconnected from my leg, from my body. It sucks. It's depressing. It's scary. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I feel lost and overwhelmed right now. I balled my eyes out this morning, soaking the shoulder of Alon's t-shirt with my tears. Alon and my care provider, Pauline, agreed after that moment that I've been so strong and positive up to this point, it's okay to be in this space, in fact, it is NORMAL in my situation to be exactly where I am right now, emotionally. Not the normal I want but the normal I've got! So, okay... I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take one day or moment at a time, and breath in all the loving support that my friends, family, co-workers, care providers, strangers, and neighbors have to offer.

Alon, my love and support and sanity and saving grace through all of this assures me that I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and that I'm healing great, even the doctor said so! 

The other night when I was going to bed all could think about was the bi-lateral fracture. So I needed a way to get out of the negative thoughts and into the positive. I asked Alon to give me something else to think about and he said, "Think about your muscles and how strong they are going to be." He's also said that I can probably put a 70 pound pack on and go back packing in the back country again someday. That these activities are not off limits. And I soon drifted off to sleep, thinking of my soon to be Wonder Woman figure :-)

There will be days when I'm climbing up hill both ways in a blizzard and then there will be days when the wind is at my back. Nevermind DAYS. Try MOMENTS. Moments in my day when the "wind is at my back"... these are the things I need to try harder to keep track of and relish in, and to talk about and think about. Like all the positive aspects of physical therapy and being around all these people who love and support me (and Alon).

Each of us experience our share of suffering, loss, challenge and chaos. What about the moments when we truly feel supported, at ease, progressing, and happy? Whether those feelings come from within or surround me in my immediate environment, this is a difficult time in my life where it is imperative to deeply acknowledge those good feelings which can put that wind back in my sail propelling me through the rougher patches of open water.

Thanks everyone for taking this journey with me on my blog; and I hope some one else with injuries or challenges like mine find my sharing of my experience helpful in some way. I know I have gotten a lot out of the stories you all have shared with me recently in relationship to past injuries and recoveries you've made. Our bodies and minds are amazing! Love to you all!

Walking the razor's edge of fear, compassion and bravery

With great looking results from new tibia x-rays on Wednesday, optimism and good spirits still prevail in the Dupuis-Katz household!

Mornings or evening can be the toughest. It alternates because pain seemed to be at its worst as the afternoon/evening progressed for the last couple of weeks, but now pain seems to be subsiding overall. 

Yesterday morning and today were especially hard. I woke up just so damn soar and stiff all over, my low back feeling wrenched. I just wanted to jump out of my skin!

I breathed. I cried. I moaned. I breathed into the areas of pain, soreness, stiffness, discomfort... like they teach me in yoga. It kinda helped. I moved the CPM and lay flat on my back in bed. Savasana. 

I got up. I stretched. I lay down. I stretched. Spinal twists. Did PT. Made stuff up. Anything I could think of to relieve myself of these moments of discomfort.

Okay... that helped but I needed more. It had been almost 12 hours since my last medication dose, 7.5mg oxycodone/325mg Tylenol. See!? I'm doing better! So this morning I took 500mg of Tylenol and 5mg of oxycodone and 30 minutes later I was feeling "normal".

I talked to my sister, Bridget, for almost an hour and a half. We laughed and shared stories. She gave me advice and shared memories of her healing after her surgery about 9 years ago. I heard about her poor doggy's flee and dermatitis problems. I lay in bed, finally comfortable. With like four blankets on me (down, fleece, quilt, knit) because I was freezing with my ice pack on my knee for most of the night. Anyways, it all helped me feel BETTER.

Alon made me a beautiful breakfast... he has nearly every day, when someone else isn't here to help. Eggs, toast, tomatoes, cucumbers. Ahh. He is "the best in the west" my sister, Bridget, said. She is right! 

That all said, I cry at least twice a day. A lot of the time it feels like an emotional outpouring to regulate myself in a way. It might be dealing with some post-traumatic stuff, as folks say. It might be brought on by tiredness, inability to get and stay comfortable, or pain and soreness from one of my worst sprained ankles ever. The leg itself only has an occasional sharp shooting pain through the knee cap. I'm stretching the scar tissue on the CPM which is uncomfortable, but temporary. 

Mostly, I think, the teary moments are just from the sheer DESIRE and DETERMINATION to heal; the FEAR and the COMPASSION that are drawn so strongly out of me at times; the accompaniment of the PAIN and STRUGGLE and discovery of new INNER STRENGTH (bravery?) during physical therapy; and truly, the GRATITUDE I have for this body's ability to heal, my medical providers who continue to treat me with the the best of care, and my friends and loved ones, especially Alon, who continue to help me at every turn at all ours of the day and night.

Regarding PT, I am up to about 20 exercises per day I think. I haven't actually counted. I just had my last home PT visit from Deb yesterday. The exercises she has given me just keep adding up and I need to do them until I hit that 12 week mark (November 21st). This includes therapy for my left leg, foot and shoulder, since I fell pretty hard on it too and strength and range of motion have been compromised. In order to stay as strong and balanced as possible, I need to start throwing in exercises for the right side of the body too... sigh, it feels like a lot of work, but I'm going to get it all squared away this weekend I think.

My next step with PT is to make a spreadsheet.... since I miss doing them so much at work! This will allow me to track my daily progress... not have to think too much about what to do next... watch my ups and downs and give myself some recognition when I'm feeling beat or unmotivated. It will be similar to what I had going with my yoga schedule prior to the accident where I started with two classes per week and added a new class or two every three weeks.

Speaking of yoga, it's pretty cool what poses I've adapted to a walker! And what I've made up along the way just to get some good stretching in. Maybe I'll get Alon to take some pictures and post them here soon :-)

The morning today ended with a good dose of sunshine. I sat in the back yard, watching Ozy jump over rocks, hide, and hop through the grass chasing grass hoppers. She's all tired now and fast asleep in her bed next to Alon while he works. Anyways, I sat outside for about an hour, all propped up with a couple chairs and a few pillows, just taking it in. It was warm and good.

AND working on my short term disability paperwork with Gary, our HR Director at BCAP, over the phone. Alon scrambled this morning to pick up and drop off paperwork from the doctor's office to home to BCAP to home again. Let's hope that all goes through smoothly and quickly so I can at least get a portion (about 1/2) of my pay for the next couple of months while I recover at home.

Ooh! My left knee just "cracked" in the CPM! That was weird! Oh well, all is well I guess... that's just a new movement and sensation. Hm. Good I suppose!

E. Dupuis signing out... thanks for checking in again :-) xoxo