Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin

Being "The Client" & Personal Power

A few words to describe how I feel today: 

TIRED.

GRATEFUL.

HEALING.

This week has rather flown by in a busy sort of way. Alon and I met with the Care Manager of Homewatch Care Givers of Boulder County on Monday. We were both really impressed with this agency and the people we spoke with. I have since had three care givers come to my home this week: Suzanna, Pauline and Grace - all very charming in their own ways, helpful and hard working. And friends! Every day! So wonderful!

Scheduling the paid care givers, coupled with friends and coworkers stopping by has really made for a full week. Alon and I are still in the process of finding a balance between what we can do for ourselves and what we need help with and when. Regardless, everyone who has stepped through our door has provided comfort, companionship, entertainment, or help in some way that truly touches our hearts and relieves some stress... we are so grateful. Now all Alon & I need to figure out is how to get more than four hours of sleep per night.

Since taking the step to bring in professional care providers there have been several occasions where, in my mind, I have slipped into this place of "I am the client now". I am the one unable to do a lot of things or having to do things differently or having to ask for an inordinate amount of assistance. Really. And this isn't the moment for your interruptive thoughts to offer me an alternative, optimistic view point or boosting of spirits. These are just the facts. 

This feeling of BEING THE CLIENT happens when I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with a tray in front of me; tray balanced on my lap. With a towel between my plates and the tray so that nothing slides off. One care provider thought of that; brilliant. Food awkwardly scooped to my mouth. Drinking from a bendy straw. Making sure I am propped up enough with a zillion pillows to digest my food properly. Later, pushing myself to raise my voice to get my care provider's attention - to beckon for personal assistance nonetheless - while she cooks or cleans in the other room. This feeling of being a client happens while sitting out on the back patio. A friend follows behind me, carrying pillows and a blanket to make sure I'm comfortable on these small, wooden patio chairs. At least for a little I can change up the scenery (from bedroom or living room) and sit in the sun with the cool September air touching my skin. 

Thankfully, a wonderful friend said to me yesterday, after a long conversation about fear and will power, "Erin, you are of sound mind and you are brave." I just thought I'd interject that here so you don't think I've gone off the deep end or something :-)

Sometimes I reach for my cat, Ozy, who nonchalantly struts past me. Just her tail touches my hand, slipping through my fingers. I long to be her... for that freedom to stroll and strut, go in and out of someone's presence without a second thought as to how I made it there in the first place. 

I remember this exact "cat" behavior from a client I used to serve. He would just barely be able to reach his cat as the cat walked by his chair and had learned to bring her cat toys right up onto his lap so that he could play "fetch" with her. Ozy comes to me for treats. I am the treat master now. What a shock. This kitty of mine has so much freedom and strength and gentleness. I kind of think she is the epitome of balance and happiness. Yes, it's true... we all want to come back as a well-cared for house cat. I melt into the softness of Ozy's fur and the sweet kindness of her little cat body when she hops up and burrows into my lap to deliver her healing cat powers and love :-)

The other piece for me this week has been the sensation of PERSONAL POWER and EMPOWERMENT that can come from learning to ask for help and the actual act of asking for help and working with others to meet my needs (or the needs of Alon, the house, Ozy the cat, etc.). It's subtle... but it's there. Feeling empowered is something I've struggled with quite a bit in my life, for one reason or another. Haven't many of us? Whether it's personal, societal, relationship-based, financial, or whatever! It's been helpful to taste that empowerment in these certain situations... that SILVER LINING... how there is very much a sense of personal power in bringing people together to help one another or myself and even in being "unable to do" some things.

So without fail, this time in my life proves to be a time for PERSONAL GROWTH and HUMILITY. Nothing planned, nothing contrived, nothing forced... totally genuine and real. Complete respect for my body, myself and the people around me. Just as I had started to explain on my first blog post on the morning of August 26th. Just as things as started to roll out in January of this year... a great year of growth... who knew it would involve bone graphs?

Also, 4 weeks today since the accident marks 1/3 of the way to 12 weeks = the day I can walk on all two feet again! Who knows, maybe it will be sooner :-)