Anniversary can mean so many things

365 days of blogging... well, not really. More like 60-somethings posts. There were some breaks in there. But 365 days of recovery. Absolutely. And counting. 365 days of patience, perseverance, acceptance, frustration, sadness, gratitude, surprise, self-discovery, self-renewal, joy, support, learning, and love. Yes. Yes. Yes!

A year ago today I started this blog as a commitment to my health, to experiencing gratitude, and to living happily. Eight hours after my first blog entry - filled with optimism and sense of accomplishment, I crashed my bike on the side of the road and so began the most painful and frightening day of my life. About two years to the day, Alon and I signed our first lease together and I began to settle in to the most beautiful relationship of my life (sounds a little corny, but love can be that way sometimes and it's good!). Almost three years ago to the day, I found out my Mom was battling stage two breast cancer and I met Alon shortly thereafter. Four years to the day, I became part of a cohort at Naropa University who I would spend a year with studying transpersonal counseling psychology, mindfulness meditation, and wilderness therapy. Today, I find myself healthy and getting stronger, filled with gratitude for all things, people, and accomplishments in my life. And everyday - though sometimes it's a real struggle - I focus on and succeed in bringing more joy, peace, acceptance, and fulfillment into my life.

There have been just a few things I've learned this year... 1) the art of acceptance, 2) how to create more happiness and joy in my life, 3) how to tell a story, and 4) a great blogger updates people at least once a week and keeps her posts to 500 words or less (still working on that one).

That said, the new self-awareness I can share with you today includes... 

1) Transformation is beautiful, challenging, and awkward! (i.e. from extrovert to introvert)

2) I'm taking control of my life (to the extent possible) by making intentional choices focused on my happiness. (seems simple but it hasn't been!)

3) The courage to be me is always in demand.

4) I have enough. Right here. Right now.

5) I am perfect in every moment / every moment is perfect.

6) My truth and experience are valid, real, and worthy.

7) I experience a universal truth with you all, with everyone.

8) I am, without a doubt, a highly-sensitive person. (Yet another learning curve.)

9) I want to be a professional freelance writer. (gulp)

10) I am constantly learning and moving towards a higher goal / higher purpose.

And most of all... I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE!!! From within me and all of you. Love is truly abundant and everywhere. Thank you to everyone who has made this year so amazing, so humbling, easier, sweeter, more comfortable, less comfortable, and more forgiving. I love each and every one of you!

Update: Week 11 - Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter:

In no other instance was this truer than a shared experience today during my first half hour of physical therapy with April and Alon.

I was bending at 116 degrees. We'd done it three, maybe four times. We'd been going for about 15 minutes or so, of bending and extending (straightening). Sharp pains increasing like daggers stabbing through the side of my knee. The knee began to tighten. Mentally I started to feel weak and tired. (I was actually tired going in - I think the oxycodone I took an hour before hand was making me feel fatigued. I may skip it next time, since the only time I seem to take them is right before PT). My hip was lifting off the table. Then I could only get to 110 degrees or so. Frustration and weakness set in. The tears began to fall. My breathing got short. April reminded me to stay calm and try not to get anxious or down on myself. Alon demonstrated deep inhales and exhales. I mimicked them.

"Don't let it get to you!" I thought to myself, then said it out loud. 

"Acknowledge the pain and fear and frustration, briefly. Then, tell yourself to RELAX."

"JUST RELAX." I repeated over and over out loud.

"It's okay. Calm down. Relax into the pain. You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Then, we got to 116. 118. 120!

I actually felt relaxed. My body was laying in a somewhat peaceful state. My mind was somewhat peaceful as well. The discomfort and tightness in my knee and quad was there, but it was not unbearable. I was talking. Taking long slow inhales and exhales. LAUGHING EVEN. We were making jokes of some kind. I think I said, "Let's do it for all the American Soldiers!" (Being that it was Veteran's Day.) I was half-joking (at least Alon & April laughed) but also trying to find any inspiration or distraction I could to KEEP GOING and OVERCOME.

Bent at 120 degrees we held this for about a minute. I relaxed and straightened the leg (always painful after bending like this). Then back to 120, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. I was absolutely amazed. My mind and heart and soul had overcome the mental and physical barriers of pain, fear, weakness, and frustration yet again. Right then in a matter of moments.

It was some kind of bliss seeping through a sieve of pain and frustration from sheer will and determination. I felt liberated.

Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)