Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

Things are shifting

I had one of those days last weekend where I woke up with a great burst of energy and determination. I was not stiff or sore. No need to take any pain relievers (actually, as of today 1/18 - I went 6 days without any tylenol or ibuprofen; and took maybe 2000mg total over a 10 day period. AWESOME!). 

I set off for a one hour, intense work out at the YMCA at 8am. It felt fantastic and hard. Then it all changed. It felt like I had spun around 100 times, ran 10 miles, and was carrying a 60-pound pack through a thick, dark, musty swamp. My stamina was shot! Despite my long list of to-do items thoughtfully written out the night before including working from home, all my determination to be productive was gone and nothing got done except the essential which was walking to the bathroom or kitchen, grocery shopping and making a dish for our first Highland House pot luck dinner. 

My body and mind have not spoken this clearly and loudly in a long time... "STOP AND REST!". I had no choice but to surrender.

Sunday night our first week at the Highland House was capped with a delicious pot luck dinner and house meeting. 

I've noticed that my stomach has been sensitive to foods lately, even citrus in the morning. This tells me that I have some emotional build up. I've definitely had "emotional seeping"... where tears or a dip in mood come suddenly and unexpectedly in various situations. It's not great. I should probably create a container for some emotional release. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform my 40 hour work week, be present with clients and staff, friends and family and housemates. But I'm fading fast... 

I woke up tearful and exhausted beyond comprehension, crawling through the day at a snail's pace. Yet, not even thinking to take pain medication; I just didn't need it. Alon watched me struggle in the morning and gently held me and encouraged me to go to work. I acknowledged my feelings of wanting to stay in bed, feeling the weight of depression and fatigue come over me like a tsunami. I was almost breathless. With his encouragement, I carried on and was able to show up for my staff and my clients in a fairly low capacity but still present. I was glad for that but I still ask myself if it was the right choice. 

Next day... I feel like maybe my stride is picking up a bit. I had wonderful one hour massage this afternoon with Bree, which my leg and body were so hungry for. I feel much stronger in my morning routine, meaning when I get up out of bed I don't have to lean on the wall for a few minutes to stretch my leg or shake off the stiffness or gain strength. I can just get up and go (with a little limp). The pain and stiffness are just that much less. It's great! Lots of people are commenting on how much better I am walking during the day, so that's really nice to hear/see.

Little thing... A pillow between my legs while sleeping is still comforting, though I've realized not as essential. I still toss and turn a lot. I can lay on my back more comfortably allowing my left leg to relax (sometimes). That said, there is a new-ish pain and discomfort, a tightness perhaps, in my knee when I try to straighten my leg. More PT, more extension, more time will help it along.

Patience and not being hard on myself are by far the most difficult challenges right now. It was a lot easier to give myself a break when I was laid up at home for two and half months. After Christmas I was really hoping to resume a 40 hour work week, still attending to two-two hour PT appointments per week and other daily work outs at the gym. I'm realizing I just can't cut it... I feel like I'm letting myself down and others... though I was fairly reassured today by coworkers that I'm still doing a good job and working hard. My stamina and motivation at work are definitely suffering.
Cliches come to mind... We are our own worst enemy (and critic). If I don't have my health, I have nothing - it's true. I must take time again to really focus on the path that supports me in being the happiest, healthiest, and best person I can be right now. I'm struggling a bit with it, but I know I am where I am supposed to be, and all will work out.


Much love to all of you have been with me and supporting me during this crazy Rite of Passage! I love you all. Knowing your love and support are out there brings me up and gives me clarity in the really difficult times. Thank you!

Weekly Rewind (week 15+)

The update that just wouldn't end...

I feel like I can not top my post from December 2nd with all that excitement about walking. Since then, it's been a little hellish with good moments in between, no doubt. I've finally come around to posting an update after getting over sleep deprivation and feelings of depression:

Saturday 12/3

- woke up, headachy and sore, and took a hot aromatherapy Epsom salt bath

- walked around without crutches in the morning - snow and ice just beginning to melt, clutching Alon's arm tightly, as I stepped purposefully from house to car, car to Centro (for breakfast with friends, Jesse & Dan who were visiting from Germany!), Centro to home (where I CRASHED OUT, watched movies, read book, took bath), no pain while walking - what freedom!

- night time sleep ended abruptly and too soon, from 3am-6am, lots of deep soreness in my entire leg and also shoulders for some reason; valium/tylenol/ice/heat/pain relieving creams did not touch it.

Sunday 12/4

- woke up not too sore, but not well rested either - another sleepless night with pain and soreness like no other prevailing. I guess my muscles were doing overtime!

- we still walked around (no crutches) just to the Trident (for tea and hanging out) and actually it seemed to help me feel better.

- but I continued to feel the pains of my perseverance, as a full-body soreness began to creep up on me from my toes to my mid back in the early evening

- another morning's sleep wasted, up at 4am, wide awake and hurting. this was really starting to bum me out.

Monday 12/5

- fatigued, groggy and feeling depressed, I made it to work at 9am with the light at the end of the tunnel being my appointment with Dr. Fulkerson at 2:15, and then I would call it a day.

- doc confirmed strong progress and my next appointment will be at the end of January (yahoo!)

- Dr. Fulkerson wants to do an MRI sometime in the next 6 months to check my ACL (does it need sugery?).

- hardware (plate and six screws: which I plan to make into some behemoth jewelry!) will come out sometime around August 2012 and may be coupled with ACL surgery if deemed necessary - healing time would be 2 to 8 weeks depending on what gets done (plus more rehab if ACL is operated on).

- amidst all of this, Alon and I went to check out a new housing opportunity which would cut our living expenses in half! It's a community house, in a huge mansion (that's like saying a mansion mansion, which it was) in the historical district of downtown Boulder. We were quite impressed and will await an interview with all SIX housemates this coming Sunday.

- Monday evening I cried myself to sleep, just tired and sore beyond relief, with the help of Tylenol PM (at the recommendation of Dr. Fulkerson)

Tuesday 12/6

- woke up at 5am... at least it wasn't 3am! grudged along to work, groggy and foggy and hurting. I didn't hide it very well. I was back to using one crutch most of the day in hopes that it would provide relief. 

- I hadn't been to the gym since my PT appointment on Friday - I couldn't decide if that was okay or not. April (physical therapist) assured me that it was and walking again was going to be just as hard as I my experience was dictating, and to rest and recover and take it easy on myself! PT was low key that day. I could barely keep it together walking down the hall to PT. I remember saying "It's hard to tell myself 'It's okay, the day is going to be okay', when I am clearly not feeling okay and the day sucks hard! 

- I can't imagine the perseverance and strength my Mom had, for instance, when two years ago, every 3 weeks for several months, she just kept feeling shittier and shittier, chemo treatment and treatment - YET - you just know that whatever tough shit you're going through is part of the healing process. Her doctors told her "Give me a year and I'll give you your life back". That is an awesome phrase for anyone to hear who is going through an injury or illness that does have a light at the end of the tunnel. That's what I try to remind myself of during my darkest of moments (along side letting myself just have my dark moments). I am coming back to life, it's just difficult, that's all AND I am so fortunate and blessed in so many ways, so "SUCK IT UP, ERIN!".

Wednesday 12/7

- slept til 6am, wandered through the day, meeting after meeting, showing up, and getting maybe 3 things done on my to-do list. Produced a couple smiles, laughs, and went home - exhausted.

Thursday 12/8

- regaining my mental acuity, I started the day at work by participating in my 3rd phone conference of the week. I think I may have said one intelligent statement that was well articulated, asked one dumb question, and carried on with my day... some insane heel pain is whooping up, not sure what to make of it exactly.

- I worked out a 32 hour per week schedule with my supervisor earlier in the week - who has been SO supportive and flexible while I try to navigate recovery + work + maintaining my sanity. So, once again, my work day ended around 3:30pm which is REALLY NICE. Went home, biked 20 minutes at the gym to loosen up my knee and later on crashed out with my friend - you guessed it - Tylenol PM.

Friday 12/9

-  did I mention the INSANE HEEL PAIN?!!? I looked it up: The heel has a fatty cushion called the calcaneal fat pad that when not used (or injured, say from running too much) will deteriorate causing pain to the heel bone like a deep bruise with added sharp, crippling pains. Thin bone spur or plantar fasciitis (now I can relate to those people too!!) With increased use of my foot (i.e. walking) the fat pad will naturally build back up and the pain should subside. It's a balance between use and rest, ibuprofen and ice, and perhaps purchasing new kicks and a gel heel insert.

- PT was really good today (once the drugs kicked in)... we added new exercises to the routine - including harder squats, extension, and a cool exercise on the Pilates Reformers - and I just felt REALLY GOOD and STRONG and HAPPY! Everything glowed, even me.

- Alon and I ate dinner at home - a little something I whipped up in the microwave. Then I took us out for what was just supposed to be apple pie, but ended up being another full meal at Riffs (go to this restaurant - it's new in Boulder - and EXCELLENT in all ways!)

On the Pilates Reformer. Spring loaded tension as I do a half squat and slide my leg out. 2 sets of 10, also in reverse position.

Saturday 12/10

-  CHILLED. Bought travel size foam roller and new running shoes (after trying on at least 20 pairs in the last 2 weekends - found a pair that was comfortable!) :)

Highly recommended!

Sunday 12/11

- Finally went to the gym again and then, CHILLED.

- Alon and I also attended the interview as housemates at the Highland House which went really well. Seems like a cohesive, mature, good-natured, honest group of people to live with... we will see... and we will let the feeling sit for a couple days. Probably find out Tuesday what their final decision is.

Monday 12/12

- Worked til 4. Sat with Alon at Atlas Purveyors for an hour afterward enjoying a delicious home-brewed Rooibos chai and brought a black coffee to our famous Vincent, the street corner vendor (at 16th & Pearl) of The Denver Voice.

- Made a nice dinner of baked salmon with an organic locally-made apricot-jalapeno jam (bought at this summer's Peach Festival in Lafeyette with my Mom), coupled with spaghetti squash, and garlic-ginger sauteed greens.

- Got psyched up with Alon to go to the gym for an hour an a half at 8pm. Did my whole PT routine, dropping the biking portion down from 20 to 15 minutes (to avoid knee pains), and felt really good about it.

Tuesday 12/13

- Busy day of work with back to back meetings. 

- 20 minute coffee break with my friend Mary at Trident.

- Then a hearty PT session where we introduced 5 minutes of stair stepping (which almost killed me) and two variations of squats on the total gym where I used my left leg only (almost impossible), a modification on the wall slide squat where we tried to get 75% use out of my left leg and 25% out of my right, and two additional squats - one free standing bilateral functional squat and the other one standing on just my left leg using TRX straps. There is an undeniable learning curve here for my neuromuscular pathways, but at least I feel physically and mentally strong enough to try them now. Major progress and more to come!

- Alon and I got accepted as the new housemates at the Highland House. We are very excited! We'll be moving around January 5th (hiring movers, no doubt!). The cost savings is immense and the environment will be really cool and beautiful and wholesome (not cultish or sketchy, don't worry!).

Ta Da! That's it for now. Who actually read all this without falling asleep? Maybe just Mom and Dad and Mary... that's okay... love you guys :)

I will never again take for granted the ability to walk!

It has been exactly 99 DAYS since my bike accident and surgery. In just the past couple of days I have been able to go without any walking assistance (no crutches) about 50% of the time, still wearing my brace. What a great break through!

At physical therapy today I showed April how I could walk down the hall, in my shuffle sort of way. She took the crutch away from me and said... "Get going! Last room on the right." So just a few hours ago there I was walking, no crutches and without my brace for the very first time. I actually felt really strong without the brace. It was liberating. I don't feel this way in the morning - and sometimes during the middle of the day, I feel so weak and tired and painful that I can hardly bear another step. But tonight I did a little dance (like waving my arms in the air) for April as I strutted down the hall to the examination room. After our bending session (where I went to 122 degrees), I raced April to the bike to start my work out. I flew through my PT routine in about 1 hour (versus the regular 2), iced up, and went and met friends for drinks!

Last weekend I watched people walk across the crosswalk at a nearby intersection while Alon and I sat outside Atlas cafe drinking tea. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought most of them take walking for granted. I was sad and mad and jealous. I'm never again going to take walking for granted. I swear it. I'll remember this experience and all these emotions for the rest of my life. Walking carefree and being "able-bodied" is such a gift.

All week my coworkers have watched me go up and down the couple of stairs to the back entrance of our building. Cautiously move around the building with more ease. Go a few more feet every day with one crutch, then no crutches. Venture up a flight of stairs to the second floor for the first time in several months. Walk from my office to the front lobby without any assistance. Every moment I walked another step on my own, I really relished in the moment. Every time I took a step was a diligent, tireless, purposeful effort of reminding myself to engage my leg muscles, flex my quad, straighten my back, engage my core, touch my heel to the ground, straighten the knee, push off the toe, bend the knee, plant the heel again. Tighten the muscles. STEP. Repeat. My walking has turned into a mindfulness practice, and it's been truly amazing.

Last night I coordinated with Alon to make us some smoothies for dinner. My coworker Jenny would drive me home from work at 5:30. Alon and I would scurry off to the gym for one hour, then we'd make it - albeit 40 minutes late - to the BCAP Annual World AIDS Day Concert at First United Methodist Church. The coordinated effort was critical and we pulled it off! As we slowwwly walked across the icy parking lot to the church at 7:35. That was an awesome effort!

The last couple of days have been particularly sketchy as we have had very cold temperatures, snow, and most walkways and roads hardened with slick ice last night and this morning. Everyone who saw me out and about said with a loving, cautious tone, "PLEASE be careful." And I was. I walked out of my house this morning to start the car as Alon was finishing up something inside. We were about to head out together. As I stood on the curb getting ready to step down into the street this morning and start the car, the reflection of glaring ice stopped me. I felt doubt, discouragement, and then, most of all rationality. This experience has made the most obvious EVEN clearer. I poked the ice on the road a couple times with my crutches and decided that I couldn't take the step knowing I would be safe. It would be pushing the limits. I was reluctant, yet I stood there with my head down, just staring, wondering if I could do it, HOW I could do it. I decided I couldn't do it without help. Mind and body fought for a while, but my body knew more than my mind. My ego reared it's head and then was cast aside. I still stood there, contemplating, staring at the ground - wishing for an alternate reality yet knowing the truth - until I was ready to turn around to go back inside and wait for Alon.

Just then Jenny drove by. Sweet little southern gal. What timing. She always drives by my house on her way to work in the morning, but I'd never actually seen her unless she was stopping to pick me up. Well, by golly, there she was! She put on the brakes just a bit past me and pulled over, rolled down her window, and yelled, "Hey Erin, do you need help?!" To which I replied, "Yes, I'm going back inside to get Alon!" "Ok. See you at the office!" Jenny yelled back. "Sounds good, thanks!" I said.

It's really hard to ask for help but if you listen REALLY carefully you know WHEN... and listen even more carefully and you know HOW and WHO to go to. It's amazing to me the friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers who have come together for me lately to be my support team when I need it. To say to myself, "I can do a lot of things, but I CAN'T do this on my own" without feeling some sense of defeated self-worth is really difficult to come to terms with. But when I'm surrounded by people who just want to see me succeed and be happy, everything seems okay again. My decision by the curb this morning felt rational, solid, and self-assured. I knew I didn't want to get hurt or take a risk that could ultimately result in injury or set back. The love and support of those around me and those whom I hold in my heart help empower me to make the right decision. I acknowledged that I needed help, I sat with it - literally, as I stood there holding my crutches and stared at the ground without moving. Jenny reminded me that it's okay to ask for help. And I knew I could always count on Alon's patience, kindness, help, and loving understanding - even for the simplest of things. Even when he doesn't realize how awesome and helpful he is, he's that much more amazing to me.

This last week in particular there have been several times when I have felt strong and weak, tired yet determined all at the same time. When someone asks me if I have pain, I've learned to craft my answers in such a way that allows my body and mind a chance to respond genuinely and for "both" to be acknowledged. For instance, "Yes, I feel pain in my foot like I'm walking on a sprained ankle but the more I walk on it, the more blood flow it gets and the quicker it will heal. My quad feels weak and my knee is swollen and stiff, so I can't take a long normal stride but I CAN walk a little bit. See?" I'm where I'm supposed to be. I just need to keep working out and trying to walk and tell myself to walk even when I don't want to anymore. 

Life is really that simple: ONE STEP AT A TIME - while every step seems simple it is a challenge (to some degree) and requires the utmost dedication or else it simply will not happen.