Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin

A picture of my anger

I think it was Wednesday last week... two weeks ago now. I've been sitting on this update for a while; not wanting to return to it or even re-read it for typos and what not. Anger is a tough one to write about because it require reflection and it just kind of sends me spinning in a way. 

The day was coming to an end. I was somewhere between restless and getting ready for bed. Alon was preparing "cold therapy machine" for the evening ( Breg Polar Care 300: http://www.breg.com/cold-therapy/polar-care-300.html ). I may have started a little PT or just started the routine of changing into my pj's. A sharp jab of pain through my left shoulder ignited. The waves of emotion and pain can come on so suddenly and so intensely. As I mentioned in a prior post, at least 1-2 times per day, I get teary.

This time was different. Pain preceded anger. I was feeling straight up ANGER, with notes sadness, coursing through me like boiling hot water. The anger was thick with pain. Mentally, I felt as if I was suddenly walking along a delicate precipice where I could plummet from hopeful to hopelessness in the blink of an eye.

I cried so hard and so loud I could barely breathe or recognize anything familiar. In the moment, the feeling reminded me of how hard I have cried when someone I loved has died. It was this incredible experience of anger, hatred, and the loss of control in my life. I could barely catch my breath. Sometimes the tears wouldn't even come; it was so cathartic.

I pounded this poor, defenseless feather pillow on my bed with a gentle fist. Truly gentle. I had this other image of digging through sand on a beach and just flinging the sand high into the air.

Alon walks in, continuing to set up the ice machine. I know he is not ignoring me; I know he is just letting me express my anger and sadness - uninterrupted and unhindered. He finally walks over to me and sits on the bed, looks me in the eyes, his big beautiful brown eyes, and says simply, "It will all be okay. You're doing great." Then he said something funny that made me laugh.

Friday was another one of those days last week... a learning experience between me, my doctor, my doctor's assistant and Alon. Boiled down to advocating for oneself and seeing my Alon step up and advocate for me. He is such a rock. I don't want to get into the details now, but thought I should post this since I've been sitting on it for over a week now. There was a lot of anger, rage in this little episode as well.

And then most recently, this past Thursday... a complete release (trauma response?) during a massage from my friend Bree. Everything was going great. Bree is a wonderful new-ish friend. We were in a good space; chatting; breathing; relaxing; finding those sweet spots that needed attention in my body. She is able to help me work through some fears and insecurities about my body as I know it and more specifically, to the injury as it heals and we explore "the hurt area" more. Then a little massage in a gentle circular motion with her thumbs around my left knee cap. And I just started to shake, cry, and nearly hyperventilate. I was so glad to be in her loving, caring, comforting, capable hands a presence. It was kind of wild. I got so cold so fast and my body remembered more about that day, August 26th at about 3:30pm, than my mind could comprehend. More to talk about and think about later I suppose...