Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A YES! Moment!

                         
This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 
The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand.
Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South.
Animals
The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.
EAST   - Air - Flight
Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there.

Animals

Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.
WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions

Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.
This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life.
Animals
The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.
NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave.
North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given.
Animals
The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:
 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!
"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.
"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"
We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:
  • FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
  • STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
  • CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
  • LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
  • STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence
When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.
We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!


My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Watch out Forrest Gump...

 Forrest Gump embarks upon a new path in his life: running... deepening his understanding and connection to himself and his place on Earth..
I'm running! Once last Tuesday and once yesterday, I jumped on the treadmill at the gym for 30 seconds of jogging with 1 minute intervals of walking for a total of 8 minutes. I was excited! I cried after the first attempt last week. And I shouted "woohoo!" yesterday, then looking around like "who was that?". I just couldn't contain my excitement. 

I've been cleared to introduce running into my workouts like this for about 4 weeks and just hadn't felt ready until now. I was either too tired or just mentally not feeling it or was more excited to do other workouts. It was important to me that I wait and truly feel excited and ready to start running. The wait was worth it!

Mostly, my reaction was bliss. I truly felt like my form was the best it had ever been. And I know very little about proper running form. I just felt so solid; not a whisper of a limp and didn't miss a beat. I felt more like a runner than I'd ever felt before in my life and got a brief glimpse of why some people love it so much. The body feels like a strong, capable, working machine! What a change in perspective! I was fully accepting of my new ability and fairly shocked by it. I was relieved and proud of myself for getting to this point. In a very small way, I wanted to run more than those 5-30 seconds intervals, and knew I should not and had to stop myself from pushing it too hard (which would have caused problems). The physical sensation was never pain, but a warm tingling sensation around the area of the plate and shin, which felt a little weird but okay. I imagined that to be just blood rushing into the area with increased circulation. 

To curb some of the anticipated pain and soreness after running I am icing my knee 2-3 times per day for 20 minutes for the 48 hours following, and also putting on some topical analgesic and arnica, as well as taking 250mg of ibuprofen 2 times per day to help with the anticipated swelling. I did add 1 or 2 doses of 250mg Tylenol the day after. I felt a little bit of a sharp or tight sensation along the lateral side of my knee, very localized, at a ligament that passes near the connection point of the fibula. Based on my personal experience, my relationship with my body, with pain, and with my physical therapist I know this sensation not to be a danger or warning sign of re-injury. I was right. The sensation dissipated after a couple days and did not inhibit my other activities at all. I did Pilates and another workout over the next few days following last week's initial running.

Through this particular experience I feel I have deepened my knowledge, wisdom, and sense of trust about myself and my body. The awareness and truth that was revealed to me felt like a "leveling up" with a deep sense of peace and joyfulness! Overall, the experience was very empowering and beautiful. I felt beautiful.

FYI:

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Darker Side of Me

Self-pity
Rehab is lonely
Being injured, different, damaged is lonely
My body doesn't work right
My body doesn't trust itself
My ankle is so swollen I can't see the bony parts
My knee looks deformed where the bone was crushed and reconstructed
I can't explain what this feels like, nobody knows it but me
I can't bend my leg into the "butterfly" stretch
I can't straighten my leg completely
It takes a really long time just to gain a few millimeters of extension when stretching
My foot is pronating in a new, weird way
I don't want to take another step
I have so much to do and I have to pace myself, I can't do it all right now
I'm done for today
I get to start again tomorrow, I'll be stronger then
What should I do for self care?
Refresh

Sunday, November 20, 2011

"Body Practice vs. Mind Practice": An Article from Elephant Journal

Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind: Connecting Yoga and Buddhism
By Michael Stone

Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/11/freeing-the-body-freeing-the-mind-connecting-yoga-and-buddhism/

How can we use the body to study the mind, and work with the mind through the body?
Over the years, I’ve found it increasingly frustrating that Yoga is continually reduced to “a body practice” and Buddhism “a mind practice.” This makes no sense to me. Anyone who has practiced deeply in both traditions knows that the Buddha gave attention to the body, Patanjali the mind, and that both traditions value ethical precepts and commitments as the foundation of an appropriate livelihood. I organize a community in Toronto called Centre of Gravity Sangha, a thriving group of people interested in integrating Yoga and Buddhist practices.

In the Buddha’s teachings, the body is used as the primary object of meditation, so that one can study the universe not through books or theory but through one’s subjective experience. Likewise the Yoga postures, when practiced with breathing and sensitivity, become opportunities for deep meditative insight because they are designed to calm the nervous system. This grounds us. When we move within the various shapes of the yoga poses and tune into the internal energetic patterns of our breath, we are working the habits of mind as well. Though the Yoga postures we practice in modern Yoga studios have obvious therapeutic benefits at physiological levels, some teachers and schools seem to have forgotten how the postures also teach us how to work with the mind. And for most of us, our troubles are not simply in the body – primarily, trouble is in the mind. How can we use the body to study the mind and work with the mind through the body? By experiencing how the two are completely interrelated.

There is a fundamental affinity between mind practices and body practices. Think of them both as curves in a grand mandala that continually spirals in, on, and through itself with no beginning or end. When I work deeply with my mind, I only do so by giving attention to the body: I witness its processes, from breathing to listening or seeing. The same is true when I study the intricate holding patterns in the web of my body (called koshas in Sanskrit); I end up seeing where my mind sticks, where it can’t focus, where it gets caught in refrains of old tape loops. What I thought was “body” is mostly mental. The Buddha says “Leave the body in the body.” When the Buddha teaches mindfulness practices, he begins with the bare awareness of body.

“The old Indian practice of Yoga,” writes scholar Karen Armstrong, “meant that people became dissatisfied with a religion that concentrated on externals. Sacrifice and liturgy were not enough: they wanted to discover the inner meaning of these rites.”Turning inward means taking responsibility for the spiritual path by focusing on the microcosm of reality that exists in the body’s functioning in this and every moment. Although yogic practices can supposedly be traced back some five thousand years, and although yogins have described their paths and discoveries in very different terms depending on their respective cultural vocabulary, they all share the same common focus: the body is the primary object of meditative inquiry.
 
When we begin by taking care of the body and paying attention to its workings, we find ourselves focusing the mind, settling the breath, and learning much more about the nature of reality than we’d know by extroverted thinking alone. There are some things we just can’t figure out with ordinary thinking.

Just resting in feeling the sense of the body without any notions or concepts, we begin to tune in to the glorious operation of the natural world that is only available to a quiet mind. Of course, the mind is not separate from the body in any way – it is just a seamless continuation of the sense organs. We begin with the body because it is always present – it is the very apparatus we need to receive and explore any corner of the natural world. We use “the mind” to explore “the body,” but as we get closer and quieter, we come to see that mind and body are inseparable. The seeker Uddalaka in the Yoga Vashista, a story that interweaves Yoga and Buddhist philosophy, enters a remote practice place and begins practicing Yoga. After some time he exclaims,
Just as the silkworm spins its cocoon and gets caught in it, you have woven the web of your concepts and are caught in them.
. . . There is no such thing as mind. I have carefully investigated, I have observed everything from the tips of my toes to the top of my head: and I have not found anything of which I could say: This is who I am.
If we approach Yoga practices simply through books and words, and not direct contact with the physical and material reality of the body and breath, all we are left with is conceptual scaffolding. We can’t know these practices from the outside. They were never meant to be mere philosophy or codified ritual. Knowing about practice is not enough: we must drop our “knowing” and feel our way into present experience by seeing things clearly. By seeing, the old yogis are not referring to the eyes but to what the Zen tradition calls “the true dharma eye” — the eye that sees without clinging, without sculpting, without allowing what is seen to get stuck into the web of like or dislike. The spirit of Yoga and Buddhism embodies a radical approach to human experience — we begin practice through paying attention to what is here in this moment. Each and every one of us can wake up without needing to adopt a new ideology or belief system. When we return to present experience through the sense organs themselves — eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin, and mind — we enter the freedom of this very moment, and the old paths of the yogis come alive here and now. There is no freedom in just repeating the words and rituals of the old masters — we must express freedom and interdependence through the action of our whole being and community through mind, body, and speech.

Every morning we wake up under the same bright northern star the Buddha saw when he awoke one dawn in his early thirties. Every moment we breathe the same molecules of air that once nourished Santideva, Dogen, Thich Nhat Hanh, your parents and their parents. Perhaps practice also fulfills our responsibility to the yogi-poets and wanderers who long ago struggled with aging bodies, unreliable thoughts, and an imperfect culture. They took great care in putting together words and phrases to articulate their path: they tried to leave maps for us, so we can enter way life happens in a way that motivates us to meet reality in an embodied and creative way.

Michael Stone is author of Freeing the Body, Freeing the Mind. Visit him online at Centre of Gravity.