Subconscious Healing

I had a dream last night that I had my second knee surgery (slated for Feb 2013), where the metal plate and screws were removed. I was at a party or something, and people were asking me, "Did you have your surgery yet?"... and I was like, "Yea, I just finished it but I'm fine. See?" And I was just sitting back on the floor, legs folded. I saw a two inch freshly healed incision in my leg and I was very carefree and delighted. It was awesome!! YAY! My subconscious is happily, freely integrating the inevitable... which has made me feel pretty anxious up to this point. Now I'm like, "I GOT THIS." 

Contemplation & Change

My contemplation lately has been about courage, consciousness, creativity, and compassion. These are my gateways to change (another C word), which, for me, truly starts from within. What do these words mean to you? 

I refuse to get caught in the flurry; the hustle and bustle side of life. Jumping from one thing to the next - be it an idea, a job, a home, a relationship, an academic program, project, or hobby. I want to make solid, meaningful steps on my path. I like dreamers and visionaries, and I like being a dreamer too. But there is a middle path I am starting to get more in touch with where the dreamer meets the road and walks confidently on the path ahead. So far, I am getting the results I want while being somewhat insanely and stubbornly conscious in this newish way. What are the results? One is about being a better friend to myself. This is like pressing stop and rewind over and over again to catch that mysterious lyric you can just barely decipher. Each time, getting clearer information and coming to a deeper understanding of what it is that is being said. Judging less, loving more. Simplifying my life. Following my heart and serving my community while supporting myself on all levels (financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, mental). Having honest conversations with people. Going for what I want; taking a leap of faith! Clarity is on the horizon as I embrace living from an even deeper internal center rather than an external focus.

Creating the life I want means coming from a place of genuine truth. As I encourage myself to speak, live, behave, and feel more of my personal truth, I get closer to my core truth, to my truest self. I start to question, let go of, and change ideas, behaviors, thought patterns, identities, and even relationships (to people, places, ideas or things) that do not serve or suit me any longer. I embrace change. I accept and love myself. I recognize the stuff that I have an aversion to which is simultaneously giving me some very important messages. What am I supposed to do but slow down and listen? What do I learn but to accept IT. I thereby accept some newly conscious part of myself. Then, I learn to love IT. Thereby loving some newly conscious part of myself. Then, a change follows. Some part of my internal world shifts and most likely a part of my external world shifts too, whether it is something in my physical world or a shift in my perspective thereby altering how I see the world.

My mantras:
   Be courageous. Be conscious. Create. Be compassionate.
          Be CURIOUS!
                   EMBRACE CHANGE WITH A SMILE.
                           Live the life I want...
                                    

"Be the change you [I] wish to see in the world".  -Ghandi

 

Eating my way through San Francisco

Roaming from one neighborhood to the next today, we nibbled our fair share of local delicacies. Starting with a shared deluxe falafel sandwich at Truly Mediterranean which you can find next to the Roxie in the Mission (note: every thing in California begins with "the" - get used to it; i.e. "the Roxie", "the Mission", "the 580"). 

In the beloved Castro district while we were drenched with sunlight and surrounded by peacefully supported individuality and self-expression, beautiful men slipped by me (including a naked one). With a spicy chai in hand Alon and I stopped at Under One Roof, a vibrant non-profit supporting local artist and various non-profits in the AIDS community, where I purchased my "Support Equal Marriage Rights" pin and tacked it proudly on my purse. We looped back around to Anchor Oyster Bar after passing it once at high noon lunch rush; indulging in a cup of New England clam chowder, sharing a half dozen oysters from New Brunswick and Washington State, and balancing it out with a fresh green salad we rolled out of Castro with full bellies. Two digestive enzyme pills accommodating my foodie journey at this point. 

Dim sum sampling followed at Good Mong Kok Bakery, "Nice Food" in China Town -- HIGHLY recommended -- a perfectly steamed boa of pork and vegetables plus an over sized sesame ball ($1.30) followed by a different variety (not as good) of steamed boa and a yellow, slightly sweet, glutenful block of dessert-like-thing that resembled a giggly bar of translucent soap ($1.30) about a block away. I boardered on stuffing myself at this point. 

We meandered to North Beach (old town feel, super friendly people). A man with long white hair and a bright purple tank top offered to point us in an interesting direction. We were led to Cafe Trieste in a Little Italy sorta place, gently sipping a hot Americano, Alon enjoying a latte as the air became brisk and the sun started to set. Listening, watching, and smelling the scene unfold around me. I scribble my first entry of three pages into my beautiful new journal, a lotus on its cover. It was a perfect day thanks to my perfect, personal tour guide (and his iPhone), my sweety and Bay Area-expert, Alon.

A kiss atop her head

A blink and they are gone

Punctuated by the man on the corner

checked shirt and bad parallel parking

She sits. Waiting for what?

Tin can clinks

The man in the corner at a table for four

Sits still with hands gently clasped

Staring far beyond the plate glass window

Music dissolves into the background

His gaze a blur

It's not unusual, as they come and go.

She's back, he's gone.
Thump, thump

Squeeeek

Whirrrr

Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

Anniversary can mean so many things

365 days of blogging... well, not really. More like 60-somethings posts. There were some breaks in there. But 365 days of recovery. Absolutely. And counting. 365 days of patience, perseverance, acceptance, frustration, sadness, gratitude, surprise, self-discovery, self-renewal, joy, support, learning, and love. Yes. Yes. Yes!

A year ago today I started this blog as a commitment to my health, to experiencing gratitude, and to living happily. Eight hours after my first blog entry - filled with optimism and sense of accomplishment, I crashed my bike on the side of the road and so began the most painful and frightening day of my life. About two years to the day, Alon and I signed our first lease together and I began to settle in to the most beautiful relationship of my life (sounds a little corny, but love can be that way sometimes and it's good!). Almost three years ago to the day, I found out my Mom was battling stage two breast cancer and I met Alon shortly thereafter. Four years to the day, I became part of a cohort at Naropa University who I would spend a year with studying transpersonal counseling psychology, mindfulness meditation, and wilderness therapy. Today, I find myself healthy and getting stronger, filled with gratitude for all things, people, and accomplishments in my life. And everyday - though sometimes it's a real struggle - I focus on and succeed in bringing more joy, peace, acceptance, and fulfillment into my life.

There have been just a few things I've learned this year... 1) the art of acceptance, 2) how to create more happiness and joy in my life, 3) how to tell a story, and 4) a great blogger updates people at least once a week and keeps her posts to 500 words or less (still working on that one).

That said, the new self-awareness I can share with you today includes... 

1) Transformation is beautiful, challenging, and awkward! (i.e. from extrovert to introvert)

2) I'm taking control of my life (to the extent possible) by making intentional choices focused on my happiness. (seems simple but it hasn't been!)

3) The courage to be me is always in demand.

4) I have enough. Right here. Right now.

5) I am perfect in every moment / every moment is perfect.

6) My truth and experience are valid, real, and worthy.

7) I experience a universal truth with you all, with everyone.

8) I am, without a doubt, a highly-sensitive person. (Yet another learning curve.)

9) I want to be a professional freelance writer. (gulp)

10) I am constantly learning and moving towards a higher goal / higher purpose.

And most of all... I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE!!! From within me and all of you. Love is truly abundant and everywhere. Thank you to everyone who has made this year so amazing, so humbling, easier, sweeter, more comfortable, less comfortable, and more forgiving. I love each and every one of you!

One Year Post-Op Follow Up

A week ago Thursday (July 26th) was my 11 month anniversary of my bike accident (crushed tibial plateau, broken tib/fib, and torn meniscus & ACL). It was also my "one year" post-op follow up with my surgeon, Dr. Lori Fulkerson. If I could add to her list of credentials it would say something like, "Assists with shocking and inspiring come backs".

Lori was just that, shocked. She said, "When I opened you up 11 months ago I was looking at every surgeon's worst nightmare. Crushed bone. I am absolutely blown away at how well you've healed and how far you've come. The contours at the top of the lateral plateau are really nice. You can see it's a little more depressed on this side than the other, but it's smooth and even and that's what we wanted. Your femur can glide easily right along that grove and depression. You should be fine for at least another 25 years. Really good, Erin. As I move your knee around it's clicking a bit and I think that's just the hardware not the joint. That protrusion on the lateral side is from three screw heads going into your plateau through the plate. It's not deformation or bone growth. All that will go away when you get the metal out."

Needless to say, Alon and I were elated to hear all of this. Put my mind at ease!

We went through some routine questions...

Lori: Any aches, pains, swelling? 

Erin: Below my knee cap, along the plateau aches sometimes but it's not debilitating in any way. Recently I had some serious pain in the soft tissues behind my knee and in the upper calf and lower hamstring. Hurt to the gentlest touch. It was worked out by 90 minutes of deep tissue massage (Rolfing). It swells up the day after I run.

Lori: Run! (jaw hits the floor) What...?!

Erin: Since mid-April I've been running 30 seconds on 30 seconds off for about 10 minutes on the treadmill at the gym. One or two times a week. Sometimes I skip weeks at a time. But I'm making progress. Slowly. I stop if ever I feel the slightest bit of pain.

Lori: Well, don't make a habit of that. Running will not be good for you in the long run.

Erin: I hear ya. Running is not my thing really. But there is freedom in knowing I can if I had to, like run away from a bad person, save some lady's pocketbook from a mugger, run to the car, to catch a flight, or up a flight of stairs. Also I might do a 5-10 minute run in the mornings every once in a while, once I'm up to it. But really nothing more than that. I'd like to be able to sprint bases again someday... you know, for wiffle ball and other highly competitive sports.

Lori: Ok, that's fine. I still can't believe you've started running. That's really great. So, what else are you doing for exercise? Are you still doing physical therapy?

Erin: I stopped seeing April in, well, about April, and started seeing Lori at the same office. Been doing 30 minutes of intense Pilates with Lori 1-2 times per week. Now I go every other week, simply because it gets expensive. I'd go twice a week if I could afford it. It's done wonders for my strength, flexibility, and confidence. In my knee, and everywhere else. Relearning neurological pathways, balance, and how to recruit more muscle in this left leg. It's been incredibly educational and eye-opening. I love it. I'm trying to get back to the gym to do my regular workouts but I've been enjoying the summer break. I bike commute about 5 miles per day. I've been hiking a bit this summer and went on a four day camping and white water rafting trip a few weeks ago. That was the end all be all celebration for me!

Lori: That's awesome, Erin. Keep it up. Next time you call me, it'll be three to six months from now and you can just schedule your surgery to get the hardware out.

Erin: That's great! Okay. Are we still looking at a 2-6 week recovery for that?

Lori: Yes. The operation will take about 1 hour. At this point I don't forsee any added surgeries or procedures. Just removing the plate and six screws. The incision will heal in about 2 weeks; you'll be on crutches, weight bearing of course. Nothing like before, but I'm sure you'll be triggered. I'll have you go back to PT for at least 4 weeks to make sure you don't lose any of your range of motion and to keep your confidence strong.

Erin: Okay. That sounds good. Thinking or talking about my accident, and even just coming to this appointment today still creates a very visceral experience for me. I guess it's starting to lessen in intesity and frequency so that's nice. But everything is still so "right there". As much as I want and need the metal out, I'm glad that I can go a few more months without thinking about surgery. It'll be easier on my wallet, too.

A recap...

Pre-Op Crush-age

Post-Op - Bionic Leg!

Compression socks, ice packs head to toe

First Month of Recovery - Hibernation

11 Months Later - Celebration!

Sunset hike up Red Rocks, July 2012

Shifting (Part I): Movement... A Tidal Wave of Energy

A major theme in my life right now is SHIFTING. It's gorgeous. It's big and bold and exciting. Here's an example:

I am still going to physical therapy every other week with a focus on Pilates which I feel serves me very well at this time. Today I was on the reformer. We increased resistance A LOT. I told Lori I wanted to focus on building quad strength. I warmed up and then jumped into some hard lower body stuff. She guides me through the routine; different every time. It's priceless training, rehab or otherwise. I was doing bilateral leg exercises, then one legged exercises on each side. Believe it or not, my right leg fatigues and hurts so much faster than the left one, which still has much less muscle. This all makes sense as one understands more about muscle fiber recruitment. My right leg knows and remembers how to recruit all the muscle fibers to do the work (it was never atrophied or traumatized) while my left one is still re-learning that, after being severely atrophied and injured. It's really quite incredible to witness, especially with such a large, important muscle like the quad and glutes. 

I've plateaued, actually quite a while I go I plateaued in my exercise routines. But in a way that was okay because the seasons were changing and I knew I'd be outside more, trying new things (hiking, biking more, rafting!). Now I feel ready to move beyond the plateau, in the arena of the gym workouts. I'm at a new level where I have the mechanics and muscle (and confidence) to do all the exercises I want to, and I'm able to increase the weight or resistance and push myself much harder than ever before. Today we bumped up the resistance A LOT on the Pilates reformer. Where I could do only 5 reps and then I was done. Done done. Like completely fatigued. Like a body-builder might do. It was very uplifting, fun, and newly motivating to do this kind of work at this point in my rehab. 

Throughout, my physical therapist and Pilates Instructor, Lori, kept reminding me to talk out loud to my left quad (or in my mind): instructing it to recruit more muscle; to work harder; to fire; to TRUST and BELIEVE (like the little engine that could). Recruit more muscle. Come on! At one point I practically yelled at my leg under my breath. Gritting my teeth with utmost determination. I want to be stronger SO badly. I could feel the difference - at first it felt like I was just going through the motions, easy and not tiring. Then, I started talking to it and challenging my leg with new weight and motion. And the therapist started tapping my quad with her finger tips as I was doing the exercises and the left quad started twitching! Like never before. It was actually getting tired! 

Without a thought, I burst into tears today (of joy, of amazement!) when my left quad finally started twitching; activating new muscle fibers, recruiting more muscle. Getting tired! I was so sick of my right leg always getting tired and my left one was like, "eh, I don't care. This is good enough." It wasn't good enough! It's not! This experience today, like the first time I ran on the treadmill back in the Spring, was a PEAK experience (thank you, Alon, for reflecting that back to me - I didn't realize it at the time). I wanted to shout from the rooftop! I felt fully charged and alive in the moment! I felt completely amazing. Overtaken by beautiful emotion and my body's feedback. From joy and pride to struggle and frustration. It was all wrapped up in there. There was not enough space in the room to hold or express my full experience. It felt like I could lift a car of the ground if I had to. Yes! It was like that! This huge, amazing YES!! What mind-blowing energy to harness and behold! Wouldn't it be even more amazing if I could control that energy, instead of it controlling me? That's another topic to be explored further, later. I could not keep a lid on it! 

And Lori welcomed it all. Encouraged me to BREATH into it... to integrate. The somatic, neurological, and emotional integration that is still happening a year later - in moments like these - along with physical gains - completely astounds me. Blows me away. I am so grateful for those moments. I feel like I am experiencing life on this much grander scale, much more fully. I am aware of a much greater potential. It feel so cool! I am so grateful for my progress, to witness my truest self in moments of joy and frustration, and for my physical therapists (as well as my massage therapists - that's another story) who push me to new levels and show me the gateway to infinite potential, peace, excitement, joy!

Healing from the inside out

Here I am one week out from getting off the Green River, which was in one word: SPECTACULAR. I spent four days and three nights on an all-women rafting retreat: camping, rafting, hiking, swimming, eating, surrounded by majestic beauty, and just plain ole taking it in and having fun with nineteen amazing women (including our fantastic trip leaders and rafting guides).

The trip was led by Victoria FittsMilgrim (True Life Coaching) and Karin Marcus (Stepping Out Coaching). I found them by simply Googling: "women's wilderness retreats". When I talked to Victoria I essentially decided that vacations, trip-planning, and retreat-researching don't have to be hard and complicated. I can just say yes to this - which seemed like a totally great fit - and be okay with that. In brief, this trip was a call to women going through transition (I know, who isn't, right?). Those who might be stepping into some unknown, a new sense of self. Embracing change. Taking care of oneself by seeking refuge, silence, adventure, and support in the wilderness. I was in and I had a lot of support from friends, family, and work too.

You can view pictures here, and I will narrate below.

The river swept us 44 miles from the put-in at Gates of Lodore (CO) to where Holiday Expeditions met us in their vans again at Rainbow Park (UT). The gathering spot was Vernal, UT - a rural town in north eastern Utah. Four large rafting boats, three row and one paddle, packed efficiently (to the gills) with four days and three nights worth of food including a propane gas grill/stove, gear, and personal belongings. Did I mention food? We ate SO much food. The scenery was huge and captivating and seemingly endless, much like our appetites. Canyon after canyon, walls hundreds of feet tall. Sunny scorching the bright red and orange sandstone, spilling into the canyon and down into the sparkling, translucent green river. The contrast and illumination made the experience feel surreal at times. 

Needed to cool down? A easy splash overboard guaranteed refreshment. Water temps were 50-60 degrees while the air temp was 90-100! Very little shade. I didn't mind one bit. I was blissed out and working hard... sometimes. Day one I paddled strong through class IV-V rapids and later on in the trip I opted for one of the more "lazy river boats" and just laid back. Bumping rocks which spun us around in the record low water level; looking on as other rafters completed the rapids ahead of or behind us. Typical river adventure; no one fell out but we had some close calls.

A couple of times, we beached the boats and hiked briefly along the river bank to scout a few rapids before traversing. The citrusy pine smell of the Pinyons was absolutely breath-taking. Birds soaring over head. The river and rapids change daily and our guides needed to discuss how to navigate them on these mini-excursions. That part was pretty exciting. 

Each day we pulled up on sandy beaches (trying to steal some shade when possible) to have luxurious lunches: gourmet sandwiches, chicken Caesar wraps, Mediterranean salads, always fresh cantaloupe and avocado! All prepared by our guides; no one else had to lift a finger. It was great!

Everyday was exciting and new. Victoria and Karin introduce a theme inviting us into inquiry and reflection as we went on through our days. Listen, Learn, and Leap were the themes of first three days, and on the fourth day we pondered Gratitude and Celebration! I participated fully with our daily "wise women's circles" and yet did not get overtaken by thinking and processing or "the tape recorder in my head" (story). I mostly just let things happen and had a ton of fun.

Along the river's canyon walls, we were shown wall paintings and carvings from 1000s or millions of years ago (some from the "Fremont People"). We settled into camp around 3pm each day at one of the designated sites that seemed to sprawl secretly back into the hidden landscape through the cottonwood forests. Everyone found their perfect spot to pitch their tent that was unique. Hikes in the afternoon - one a steep climb to a water fall, where we got caught in a tropical-like storm. Soft, warm monsoon-like rain with tremendous rolls of thunder and flashes of lightening. Mother Nature spared us that day. The next day took us on another hike, about 3 hours, to more waterfalls, petroglyphs, and pictographs and through wind-swept sandstone canyons where I saw my first stunning arches (albeit small, nothing like Canyonlands). All sorts of wildlife - from cliff swallows, to big horn sheep, to golden eagle, and unfortunately, skunk crossed our paths at one time or another. Our trip leader, Karin, handed us a comprehensive list at the end.

I honestly didn't know if I had it in me to do the three hour hike, but I was told the terrain was mostly flat, which it was. I was definitely tired after that, and yet invigorated. I limped only a tad towards the end; my left knee was just so fatigued. And it was no wonder. The good thing is that I had no pain during the whole trip, and was quite agile too. Adrenaline helps. The adrenaline wore off when I got home on Wednesday, and Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I could not walk without discomfort. I had come to an edge and today I feel mostly fine. My PT assured me yesterday that sitting on the boat impaired the extension, and so that's why I felt lots of discomfort in the back of my knee/leg. I am to tell myself "It is only a stretch!". The swelling on the knee is still there, flares up from time to time, but is manageable. I am already feeling better, physically, than I was a few days ago and there is no restriction on my activity or mobility (just some tough stretching and straightening to do!).

One of my favorite parts of being on this trip was bathing naked in the river! That's right, we should all do it! It was a refreshing reminder of how it truly feels to be alive and at peace with myself and with nature all in one blissful moment.

Has my perspective shifted? Has my experience of myself changed? Truly, they have. At first, I thought not. I returned from the trip blissed-out, excited, and relaxed. On the trip I was not focused on processing or delving into my story. In fact, I made a point of not doing so (basically to avoid characterization, judgment, and mis-identifying myself with "my story"). I was focused on having fun and taking in the boundless pleasure and beauty of nature and wilderness while getting to know people and enjoying one another's company. I let the processing just happen in the background. Paying some attention to what was going on for me, participating in the group activities and daily intention-setting, but not losing myself in it or in someone else's story. Fortunately, we had excellent facilitators and leadership that allowed for this type of space, freedom, and individuality. Truly, things have shifted and continue to shift within me. This continues to be an exciting time, and the adrenaline rush and beauty I experienced on the river were simply a gateway into my everyday life and bigger adventures unfolding!

A few things I picked up along the way: 

No matter how well-adjusted, prepared, or experienced I may be or *think* I am, a melancholy "crash" after re-entry from wilderness to urban, routine life is practically inevitable and perfectly acceptable and - as the trip leaders iterated: to be expected.
A couple days after my return I pondered, "Where did I leave off or how do I pick things up again?". At work it was easy - piles and lists were still there. Colleagues to check in with. In my personal life, in my head and heart, I felt some sadness, lost, loneliness, chaos, fogginess, confusion, frustration, ungroundedness, and annoyance brewing within me after a couple days of being at home. Then, as if a magic wand was swirled over my head a new brilliant and uplifting thought entered my consciousness (just yesterday): This is a fresh start! I have a clean slate! A new beginning! The groundlessness is saturated with freedom! Goodbye fog and confusion and being hooked by the past (at least in this moment!).

While the group and retreat focused on "women in transition" I quickly realized that I did not want to emphasize the transitions I had been through in the last year, nor the threshold I'm crossing now. I simply wanted to celebrate my health, healing, strength, and sense of adventure. One could say that was the transition - stepping out ofnan old self into a new one of letting go and self-acceptance. My intention (overall) at this time in my life is to simply find ways to experience more joy in my life, to trust more fully, to speak more truthfully, show up more authentically, and accept and befriend myself time and time again.

While exploring the inquiry of "What lies ahead?" a fog may start to creep in. This is something I've experienced for years, off and on. I seriously thought it may be linked to undiagnosed ADD or some anxiety thing. Those never proved to be true, but things still didn't feel right somehow. In the moment I may ever so slightly disassociate from whatever it was I was thinking/feeling and I just "go blank". That was the fog. It's like a mist at dawn that blurs my view of a valley just ahead or a diminishes a vibrant sunrise. I can still sense the beauty, mystery, and wonder that is out there. I am frustrated that I can't just have it, see it more clearly, grab it enthusiastically! I am used to judging myself in these moments (often without realizing it!) with punitive thoughts like: "why can't I just think through this?" or "come on, aren't you smart enough?" or "what's wrong with you?" or simply feeling frustrated and hopeless, recoiling into sadness and dullness. 

The awakened moment happened yesterday! I learned a simple technique of befriending myself in these moments. Next time I start to sense the fog coming in or maybe it's already settled there in my mind, I'll visualize putting my arm around my own shoulder (comforting, acknowledging) and say/think something like, "Hey, you might be feeling a little overwhelmed or lost right now. That's okay. You can come back to this. What can you do right now to take care of yourself?". I've done some work around this too as to what is triggering me in these moments. Without getting too heavy here, basically I believe it links back to some experiences in my adolescence where my choice, voice, opinion, feelings, and desires were not acknowledged - in fact I was being forced to do something I didn't want to. After much arguing and crying, I would be left defenseless and powerless and angry. I would surrender, blank out, and try to "keep calm and carry on". I was essentially cutting off a big part of myself to appease someone else. It was miserable. A lot was lost in those moments, and then again, a lot was gained too. Now is the time for some healing.

My Truth in this Moment

I have at least four journal/blog entries that I have been wanting to make, but have not made the time for it. Interesting, first off, my sense of "make" having to do initially with creating some writing and then with creating some time. I don't actually feel like I'm creating writing or a story here... I just feel like I'm channeling my soul into words. There is no forced, masculine energy in this creation of my blog. That is a beautiful thing to me! Making and creating screams feminine, which is something I am trying to get more in touch with, too. Also, I am coming to terms with my sense of time here, and on some days, in my mind and in real life I would like it all to be just a bit more fluid... like the river over the stones... get rid of the idea that there is a set quantity of time at a set cost, and replace it with the notion that time is ever abundant and infinite, and when it feels depleted or empty (like a dry river bed), there is abundance of another kind there and somewhere else the river runs strong.

Anyways, those beginnings of electronic journal entries, posts we call them - standing erect as if to capture a moment in time like a fence post demarcates precious land or contains a herd of would-be wild animals. The post is a milestone in the expansive, undetermined time of my life. Those posts sit in the "drafts" pile of this blog. Unfinished, per say. I'm not working on them here today. I'm going to tell you what's up right now. What is my truth in this moment. Just like I've been doing.

Over the past year, writing has once again become an important part of my process, lifestyle, way of being. If I feel like I have to go back and finish something, that pressure feels off-putting, and so I've given myself permission to let it go. Important Rule #1 for me. I am very glad and at-home with this. Writing feels good, cleansing, supportive. Not only am I blogging but I'm also keeping a journal. All this feels great except I wish I could hit "UPLOAD" in my journal when I want to "cross-post" something into cyber world. Yes, I'm sure there is some fancy solution for this, but I'm not looking for a solution. Actual writing with a pen and paper is a completely different experience than typing up a blog post and plastering it all over the internet. Most anyone would agree (nod your head now as you count the number of electronic devices in your immediate vicinity and ask yourself, when is the next time I'm going to write someone a letter instead of an email?).

So, instead of completing those drafts and writing about what has happened, I'm going to write about what is up right now. That's how this blog and my writing is intended to be. A "yes, I'm doing it now" kind of thing. By staying current and in the moment, I am my most truthful. We all are. And that's what I want to give to myself and to you. My truth. My most divine, one might say. Let's start right there. My definition of divine is about an impermanent, fluid, multifaceted experience captured in the now moment that is so exquisite and so raw and truthful, the experience is beyond words. We relate to it, we interact with it. We can never lie to it and it never lies to us. That's truth. That's divine. I think Webster's and Oxford are calling me right now to see if they can copyright that definition. Pretty good for on the whim thinking. Anyways!

The value of capturing my direct experience... my divinity... my truth... into words... to share with you all... is a sparkling, aeronautical experience. Aeronautical means (according to a quick, irrefutable Google search) "navigation of the air". I like that - it fits for this girl's philosophical purpose just as well as a scientific one, in my opinion. I'm navigating the air with you. Even if we're 1000s of miles away. Capturing my experience and sharing it with you is an opportunity to take all that shines, crashes, collides, conforms, floats, sinks, dims, dilutes, disseminates, evolves, and devolves within me and pour it out - as a sweet nectar - into the world. This feeds you like it feeds me. It nourishes the deficiencies, whatever they may be, conscious or unconscious. Into this container, this blog, that I have created for myself, we hang out and receive this nectar of OUR experience TOGETHER. By default, it is not just my experience or my container or my blog any more. It is all of ours. To sip, share, soak up, relate to, interpret, dispel, or let transform you/US.

Dang, am I getting philosophical or what? Is philosophical even the right word? I think that word is probably one of those words that is constantly overused and used in the wrong way. And I admit, I am probably guilty of that now. Oh well. What is in this herbal summer time "solstice tea" that Innisfree Cafe served up to me today? I'm feeling infused with poetic jargon. Somebody! Gimme a beat box. Many poets sit in this cafe, truly from all over the world, and speak their truth, write about their truth. Innisfree was started by a second generation Irish immigrant from Boston. Boston-represent! Anyways, that is a little bit more of the context of this moment - my truth - that I am sharing with you as I stare out at the corner of 13th and Pennylvania Avenue in Boulder, CO. PS It's 102 degrees in this coffee shop right now. A little glistening sweat sweeps across my skin. No joke. Some of this experience gets shared and some stays internal, as my experience only. That's only natural. All these poets of past are running through me perhaps. Perhaps not. That sounds crazy. Today, we share. I share and give to you as much of my truth as possible. I receive the feelings of flight, power, peace, joy, and contentment. The "truth is beauty and beauty is truth" line comes to mind right now. Savor that for a minute.

Sharing my experience with you is uplifting, freeing, and powerful. When I hit "publish" at the end of all this, I feel like I've given flight to so many things - whether it's happiness or suffering or silliness or judgment or confusion or anger. It's off with it's own voice, weight, meaning as I let it go and you take it in. It's me and it's all the people in my life and places I've seen and things I've done. Swooping right off this page and into the air! (or internet!) The remarks I hear from you validates that but so does my immediate, internal feeling along with the whole process itself. In all actuality, we don't need each other to validate our own feelings. We think we do. We only need to know that how we are showing up is our deepest, purest truth. That's something I'm telling myself more and more these days. Take it for what it is. I'm not trying to preach, people, just sharing. 

In the past, I've just wanted it - validation - I grew accustomed to receiving it - for good and for bad. Conscious or unconscious. And with that seeking of validation comes invalidation, naturally. What happens when compassion is mixed with invalidation? When someone says, that's great, you're awesome, now change. What's up with that? When judgment or conditions smack validation in the ass as it walks out the door? That feels confusing and crappy and disrespectful. I know these feelings. We all do, right? What happens when we take all that in? Is it the truth or just someone's judgment of us? Is it their self-judgment being projected? Whatever it is, it's what I call: YUCKS. And you should always questions something that makes you feel even the slightest bit yucks! That's my advice.

In the past weeks since my head-shaving fiesta, I have truly begun to embody my truth as a way of self-validating. By speaking, doing, living, seeing, hearing, breathing, eating, going to bed with, and waking up to my truth every day I am validating my experience. I am saying yes to myself; my experience is real and I accept it. I accept me. By recognizing and honoring my judgments and speaking passionately, I am living my truth instead of hiding it. I'm still working on this piece. Of course, I'm not going to go all crazy on someone. That's not what I am saying. I'm just referencing a gentle acceptance and acknowledgment of what is coming up for me in any moment, and sharing it respectfully, to the extent possible. This is especially important for me in a moment where I can witness myself denying myself. Check it out in yourself, see how often it happens, if at all. Self-denial, non-acceptance. 

Once this or all that ABOVE part that I just wrote about becomes less conscious work, my accepting of myself will become much more deeply rooted. That is what I believe. Till then, I am in this very conscious effort phase of self-acceptance, truth-speaking/living, deepening into my experience. My life will be that much more beautiful, rich, and divine! And by default, so will yours!! How about that?! Luck you. That power and acceptance are the parts beyond words. You have to do it - emanate your truth, honor yourself in ALL that you do, work with yourself and others in this way - in order to truly feel that power. That's not advice, that's truth. 

I recently said to someone that right now I am seriously filtering external stimulus, challenges, and engagements - be it a social gathering or going back to school or changing career paths or traveling. Essentially, I shared with her how I am really getting in touch with the infinite depth of knowledge and wisdom and experience that lies within me. The University of Life is within me! As corny as that sounds. I truly do not need to cover it up, complicate it, or dilute it with external experiences. I just need to tap into it. There are so many angles at which to view things, movable walls, cloud ceilings, trap doors, and hidden treasures all within my reach. This going deep within, is just an invitation to explore, to adventure, ask questions, and wonder about myself, this experience, and how I relate to the world. 

We could look at 100 reasons for why I am taking this invitation right now. I cycle through this kind of "inwardness" in my life. Don't we all? Fortunately, right now I am happy and able to stay in relationship with Alon while going through this process. Admittedly, it can be difficult to be in partnership when you're experiencing inner growth, development, and change. But this time it is not hard. Alon is just a fantastic person to have in my life, and I love him to pieces! What's a blog post without a plug for my partner!? Other times in my life, other partners, other situations have demanded a reverse response - to withdraw, back out, or move permanently. 

I know that this inner exploration, this filtering of stimulus, and taking control over what I can change and do with my life is a result of my accident last August. That was a time when I was forced to be still, to contemplate, to deal with the immediacy, to survive, to have no choice in that moment of impact. At that moment of impact, I was telling myself - this is not real, I do not accept this. I was invalidating my own experience. At other moments, I completely accepted my experience - screaming, yelling, crying. It was a mixed trauma response. Now I am embracing the abundance of choice, the feeling of living, to be still or to move, to listen to what my body/mind needs and wants and to support it, acknowledge me with compassion and acceptance. It really is beautiful.

I'll wrap this up with a quote by an ordinary man, on an ordinary day that struck me as extraordinary:

"[Be, speak, know] A truth so confident, it need not be defended."

A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

Watch out Forrest Gump...

 Forrest Gump embarks upon a new path in his life: running... deepening his understanding and connection to himself and his place on Earth..

I'm running! Once last Tuesday and once yesterday, I jumped on the treadmill at the gym for 30 seconds of jogging with 1 minute intervals of walking for a total of 8 minutes. I was excited! I cried after the first attempt last week. And I shouted "woohoo!" yesterday, then looking around like "who was that?". I just couldn't contain my excitement. 

I've been cleared to introduce running into my workouts like this for about 4 weeks and just hadn't felt ready until now. I was either too tired or just mentally not feeling it or was more excited to do other workouts. It was important to me that I wait and truly feel excited and ready to start running. The wait was worth it!

Mostly, my reaction was bliss. I truly felt like my form was the best it had ever been. And I know very little about proper running form. I just felt so solid; not a whisper of a limp and didn't miss a beat. I felt more like a runner than I'd ever felt before in my life and got a brief glimpse of why some people love it so much. The body feels like a strong, capable, working machine! What a change in perspective! I was fully accepting of my new ability and fairly shocked by it. I was relieved and proud of myself for getting to this point. In a very small way, I wanted to run more than those 5-30 seconds intervals, and knew I should not and had to stop myself from pushing it too hard (which would have caused problems). The physical sensation was never pain, but a warm tingling sensation around the area of the plate and shin, which felt a little weird but okay. I imagined that to be just blood rushing into the area with increased circulation. 

To curb some of the anticipated pain and soreness after running I am icing my knee 2-3 times per day for 20 minutes for the 48 hours following, and also putting on some topical analgesic and arnica, as well as taking 250mg of ibuprofen 2 times per day to help with the anticipated swelling. I did add 1 or 2 doses of 250mg Tylenol the day after. I felt a little bit of a sharp or tight sensation along the lateral side of my knee, very localized, at a ligament that passes near the connection point of the fibula. Based on my personal experience, my relationship with my body, with pain, and with my physical therapist I know this sensation not to be a danger or warning sign of re-injury. I was right. The sensation dissipated after a couple days and did not inhibit my other activities at all. I did Pilates and another workout over the next few days following last week's initial running.

Through this particular experience I feel I have deepened my knowledge, wisdom, and sense of trust about myself and my body. The awareness and truth that was revealed to me felt like a "leveling up" with a deep sense of peace and joyfulness! Overall, the experience was very empowering and beautiful. I felt beautiful.

FYI:

8 More Degrees to Feeling Normal

Measured my degrees of flexion yesterday at PT and I am bending my left leg to 143 degrees! That means I can almost touch my heel to my glute! This feels more like stretching should feel, and I feel less inhibited by pain and discomfort like it had been.  My therapist warns me not to stretch it too far; that 135 degrees is normal and my ligaments and joints lean towards being loose and over-flexible; I need to keep things stable and strong in that region. In other words, I'm probably right where I should be.

I'm still working some gentle plyometrics into my routine along with hiking, which are both a real mark of progress to me at this point in my recovery. For plyo I'm using one of those aerobic platforms and doing toe taps, and side steps over the top (no spins yet), for about 10-15 minutes. My knee joint is very sore for a few days after either one of those activities. The "doing" part is not painful - it's empowering, liberating, and just feel really good. I can't remember if I wore the IT support band during my plyo routine or not last Saturday, but I need to do that in hopes that it reduces the soreness afterwards. 

I'll probably starting "running" in the next couple of weeks. This means getting on a treadmill and jogging slowly for about 30 seconds, then walking for a minute. Do a few sets of that and then I'm done. Keep doing that for about a month, and continue increasing the running interval time and decreasing the walking interval time. Building this up to a solid 5 minute jog will probably take another 3-6 months. The idea is to still be able to walk and function normally at the end of the day. A little soreness is fine, but I have to be able to go up and down stairs at the end of the day without too much sacrifice.

Pilates has a brilliant way of showing me my strengths and weaknesses. As I progress out of PT (which includes 30 minutes of Pilates right now), I am looking at doing a once a week group Pilates reformer class for $25 at The Pilates Center in Boulder. They also do a FREE mat class on Thursday nights, so that's what I'm going to check out tonight.

Oh! Much to my warm-weather delight, I am able to wear flip flops and other "flimsy" shoes for about a hour or two every few days without repercussion. I still mostly rock the big white tennis shoes with every outfit but this is also a mark of strength and progress... and vanity!


Thanks for reading up on my life... :-) Hope you all are doing great, too! Someday I will write about something different.

237 days and counting...

What is like to recover from a major injury?

I am still on the path to FULL RECOVERY but I can confidently say I AM NO LONGER INJURED. I had a test today in Pilates. Some of you might think this is lame, if so, that's only because you are ignorant. Go take a Pilates Reformer class and you'll see. My one on one Pilates Reformer/Physical Therapy session was amazing. My Pilates instructor at Boulder Orthopedic, Lori (also a physical therapist there), informed me that my knee had full range of motion. I was doing everything an uninjured person would be able to do. She didn't say anything about building up strength because I was doing everything she put in front of me. I knew what felt different, tight, soar, wabbly, or a little weaker on one side but it didn't matter. I WAS DOING IT!!

Lori just kept pushing me and pushing me in a gentle, fluid sort of way. Before I knew it she said, "You're doing the most advanced Pilates moves."And it was no joke. I was balanced, poised, strong, amazing myself and giggling. I felt like a ballerina (who are also amazing!). None of it was planned; I just asked Lori to gauge where she thought I was at and introduce some new things. The experience was SO COOL!!! It made me want to go to a class and rock Pilates in front of people who had been doing it for 6 months or 6 years! If I can do it one on one I can do it. Period.

A week ago Wednesday (April 11th) I sat cross-legged for the first time. I casually sat down on the floor in my office as I was re-organizing (and my desktop computer happened to be on the floor!). I went easily into a cross-legged position. No torque on the knee, no funky juxtapostion. Just did it. Unconsciously. I began to cry. What a relief. What a moment. I couldn't believe it, but I could. I was so pleased. Aside from the hard work and pain I've gone through to get where I am, I attribute this latest success and milestone to some myofascial release work (a.k.a. Rolfing) that I had done with Nancy... (last name to come). She was a referral from my physical therapist April Smith. I had seen Nancy for the second time the Friday before (April 6th), where she intentionally worked on my hip and IT band for 75 MINTUES. It was INTENSE and amazing. And the results were so worth the trip! During that session, Nancy also palpated my scar for at least 10 minutes (felt like longer). It began to itch like nobody's business; like severe poison oak or ivy. Nancy replied, "Itching is a sign of healing!" And I said, "Well then, it's all better now! Holy shit, stop massaging and start scratching!!" Sighs of relief on many levels. Tomorrow I have another session with Nancy, making it 3 75-minute sessions in 5 weeks. I can't wait to tell her (SHOW HER!) the good news and I look forward to more progress and release - both physical and emotional. The body stores so much and releases so much too. It's so been worth it. Given financial constraints, I'll probably go to once per month or per six weeks for a little while now.

The financial piece has really been hard. Money has such an emotional and psychological connection to one's life. It has taken some deep discussions and figuring out and tangential fits to establish what is okay to spend money on and what is not. When it comes to health care and well being though, there really is no question of it being worth the investment. I figure, even if it has to go on a credit card and I feel it's in my best interest in the healing process, then stop worrying and just do it!! Fortunately, I have an amazing partner, Alon, who also sees my health and well-being as #1 (along with his own) and we can talk it out and manage our finances to adjust to the rising costs of health care in the last 7 months or so. We really are fortunate in so many ways. Alon continues to be nothing short of the most amazing person in my life (RIGHT AFTER YOU, MOM & DAD!). I'll never take him for granted. Ever. (I love him so much!!) Just like I'll never take for granted the ability to walk again.

I felt stupid yesterday when I had to stand up to stretch and said, "I can't walk. My legs are dead." I had worked out incredibly hard the day before doing about 1/2 hour of lunges and squats and plyometrics. My quads for all intents and purposes were completely exhausted and hurting. However, when I said "I can't walk" I felt like a complete asshole. OF COURSE I CAN WALK! I retracted my statement and said HOW GRATEFUL I WAS TO HAVE SOAR LEG MUSCLES. To get up and walk away from the conference table without hesitation, really. To know that I was soar from pushing my body to its limits the day before was another wakeful moment. 

Every day I cross the cross walk, or try to jog (haphazardly) to catch the bus, or simply step into the cages on my bike pedals to propel myself to the next destination I take a deep breath and acknowledge this amazing sense of gratitude for my body, for my health, for life's possibilities, for all the support I've had, the partnerships I've forged during my healing process, and all the challenges I've overcome and have yet to overcome. I really try to tell myself, if I feel rushed, that there is no need to rush. Be grateful for this moment. It is an important reminder! This has been an amazing journey.