Update: Week 11 - Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter:

In no other instance was this truer than a shared experience today during my first half hour of physical therapy with April and Alon.

I was bending at 116 degrees. We'd done it three, maybe four times. We'd been going for about 15 minutes or so, of bending and extending (straightening). Sharp pains increasing like daggers stabbing through the side of my knee. The knee began to tighten. Mentally I started to feel weak and tired. (I was actually tired going in - I think the oxycodone I took an hour before hand was making me feel fatigued. I may skip it next time, since the only time I seem to take them is right before PT). My hip was lifting off the table. Then I could only get to 110 degrees or so. Frustration and weakness set in. The tears began to fall. My breathing got short. April reminded me to stay calm and try not to get anxious or down on myself. Alon demonstrated deep inhales and exhales. I mimicked them.

"Don't let it get to you!" I thought to myself, then said it out loud. 

"Acknowledge the pain and fear and frustration, briefly. Then, tell yourself to RELAX."

"JUST RELAX." I repeated over and over out loud.

"It's okay. Calm down. Relax into the pain. You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen."

Then, we got to 116. 118. 120!

I actually felt relaxed. My body was laying in a somewhat peaceful state. My mind was somewhat peaceful as well. The discomfort and tightness in my knee and quad was there, but it was not unbearable. I was talking. Taking long slow inhales and exhales. LAUGHING EVEN. We were making jokes of some kind. I think I said, "Let's do it for all the American Soldiers!" (Being that it was Veteran's Day.) I was half-joking (at least Alon & April laughed) but also trying to find any inspiration or distraction I could to KEEP GOING and OVERCOME.

Bent at 120 degrees we held this for about a minute. I relaxed and straightened the leg (always painful after bending like this). Then back to 120, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. I was absolutely amazed. My mind and heart and soul had overcome the mental and physical barriers of pain, fear, weakness, and frustration yet again. Right then in a matter of moments.

It was some kind of bliss seeping through a sieve of pain and frustration from sheer will and determination. I felt liberated.

Update: Week 10 (going into 11)

So as of Sunday, November 6th I started weight bearing 25% of my weight, or roughly 40 pounds, onto my left leg. How this happens is I stand with my right leg planted on the floor and my left leg on a scale. I press onto the scale until it reads 40 pounds. Then I walk around trying to mimic that weight and sensation. I'll come back to the scale a couple times during the day to see if I am maintaining that pressure. It's hard! Usually I am at about 25-30 pounds when I think I am at 40. It doesn't hurt my leg much at first, it's mostly awkward and feels slightly unstable. 

I am also experiencing some of the "pins and needles" or tingling feeling in the bottom of my foot, mostly on the ball of the foot, towards the middle, and along the arch way. This happens as I walk and put added weight onto my leg and foot. It's normal. It means I am getting sensation back and re-establishing those nerve endings and pathways to my brain. It's uncomfortable, temporarily painful, but I just keep walking and the tingling tends to work itself out.

I am being mindful to not develop a limp in my stride, just keep it as smooth and steady as possible, which right now also means walking quite slowly. And I am trying to even out my hips as I walk as much as possible because Lord knows my left hip is rotated and a few inches (it feels like) higher than my right hip from holding the leg UP and out of the way for so long.

My low back gets a little cramped up from time to time, but mostly my body is holding up well.

I am still going to PT twice a week and the gym on off days - aiming for at least 4 days per week at the gym (doing the same exercises as I do at PT). I've had some struggles recently getting to the gym, from tiredness, soreness, etc. but once I get there I end up feeling 100% better! On that note, I encourage you all to get your asses to the gym or at least do SOMETHING physically active EVERY DAY. Your body will love you for it.

Last week's PT stats are as follows: added 3 different types of squats to the hour and a half session (ouch!)... good, effective, and tiring. My range of motion last week was something like 98-110 and 98-112. Today I went 98-116! And on my own, I could bend my leg (after some warm ups) to 113. That was incredible! I couldn't believe it. I really need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself some more credit... as stated by my physical therapist. She said I am making great progress, and to expect some harder days and nights ahead (again!) as I start to weight bear more and increase exercises and mobility.

I'm doing a lot more around the house - that is: cooking and getting my own meals regularly. Not so much cleaning, feeding kitty, or making the bed or anything yet because I'm just not that agile or stable on two feet yet. But the last couple days, I've given myself a bunch of extra time in the morning and I'm fed, with tea to go, and ready for work in about an hour and a half. The hot showers in the morning (with hot water on my leg) still really help loosen up my muscles and give me time to work on flexion and extension in a seated position.

I have a care provider coming just once this week and once next week (while I am at work) to do some house cleaning and cooking. Then, hopefully I will be back to my home routines... which at that point, might include shoveling snow! BOOO :(

Speaking of yard work, Alon raked the front and back yard this past weekend. I watched. I longed to just rake the yard. I really would have enjoyed that. God, it is hard to just not be able to do certain things like that. I am thankful for Alon and know I'll be back at it soon enough, but damn, I still have a good deal of sorrow and frustration some days.

The other day I had a dip in mood, feeling sorry for myself and what came out of my mouth, to my surprise, was "I can't believe this happened." It's true. I still can't believe it sometimes. From the wisdom and truth of my physical therapist April today, she said something like, "You gotta have those moments and let yourself feel it. But at the end of the day, where is your anger and frustration going to get you? (The answer: Nowhere.) Focus all your (my) energy on working hard, healing and getting stronger. Focus your energy and emotion right into the knee!" And that was the moment today when I bent to 116 degrees. Good stuff! Powerful. Our minds are our greatest barriers sometimes. This whole process is really about balance and awareness, in every way. Isn't everything?

Responses to "Return to Work"

I think it is important that I share the two comments below that I received by email this past week from two loved and trusted people in my life. They are spot on and fill in thoughts and feelings where I may have trailed off (in my mind). I really appreciate the support and love that surrounds me while I walk along this bumpy path. These people (amongst others) really do complete me as a person. Thank you for telling me to chill out sometimes and for bringing things into perspective!

Comment #1
"With regards to your people at work I'd say: focus on YOU!  As you know, people respond in a variety of ways to challenging situations (i.e. fear, over-care-taking, awkwardness, pity, trying to cover their own asses in terms of liability yada, yada...).  You never know exactly why it is that people say what they do, how they do, when they do.

Just be clear about what your intentions are for next week, do your best, listen to your body and take breaks/"call it a day" when you need to. If you feel good and have energy, then keep on truckin' - to hell what everybody else thinks!! Let others' comments, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language etc. go by the way side for now.  If there are repeating patterns that come up again and again with the same person over the coming weeks, then I'd day sure, go ahead and bring it up/address it. Otherwise, my council is to forget about this level of analysis for now and focus on what your goals are, how you know you are feeling/doing and what you know you want/need to do. Make all this clear to others and let them deal with their own doubts/fears/issues..." C.F.

Comment #2

"You got it girl, always good to hear from you. Good job!  Have a great time back at work, that schedule sounds good :) I think getting your mind off yourself and back onto your job is gonna be great. You will love the new energy and business I bet, and you will sleep good at night!

Have fun and good luck, my sisterly advice is try not to confuse peoples concern, compassion, or wanting to help with pity or fear, ok? There is definitely a big difference... Remember over the years how compassionate you have been to others, even to people you never met before! You would have never wanted them confusing your compassion for anything else right? So give them a chance, let them care for you, it's ok, You would do the same for a coworker if it was reversed.

So be patient with people and just keep your heart open, soak it in, you will do great!! I'm not sure what happened there, or what conversations you have had with coworkers recently, I wasn't there, but to me it doesn't seem like the type of work place or community that would hinder your progress or productivity, so try not to worry to much, ok pal. Just reeeelax." B.B.

Retuning to Work

The short of it is I am starting back part-time at my work, Boulder County AIDS Project, on Monday November 7th. My goal is a twenty hour work week, 4 hours per day. Then building up to 2 full days and 3 part time days. Then 3 full days and two vacation days the week of Thanksgiving. And then, the last week of November, be back to 40 hours per week. This is a plan that my doctor and I talked over and agreed upon... work feels slightly differently, that I should do 3 part time days to start and "talk it over" and see how I feel. Kind of like the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. I think, from their perspective, they are also being thoughtful, careful, and protective.

On Monday, November 7th it will be 10 weeks and 2 days post-injury/post-op. I feel ready and excited to return to my previous routine. Well, within reason - who wishes they didn't have to work or cook and had people waiting on them hand and foot? Seriously though, this transition is good and I am ready for it! I am also working with a bit of nervous energy. I believe it is mostly to do with dealing with people who have not seen my progression all along and who might be scared or nervous that I will "reinjure" myself at work. 

I am so freaking careful and body-mind aware at this point that I do not expect to be derailed in this transition. Of course, there will be moments and I will just keep a keen awareness of myself and what's going on for me. I have goals and a sense of something to prove TO MYSELF, but not so much to others yet inevitably and naturally that will occur. Regarding some recent conversation with my employer, in some ways I feel very supported and there is a strong degree of excitement and confidence with my return. And yet there is also, from different people, what I interpret as doubt and a lack of trust that I am able to accurately assess and assert my needs and set appropriate, safe boundaries. I do not need others to do that for me, especially my employer (which is sort of what it is feeling like, but I must not ruminate on this...). Maybe we will butt heads, maybe it will be a more relaxed "coming together" of sorts. I hope for the latter.

Certain people at my work habitually operate from a fear-based perspective and that will not help my recovery process. I believe that is what is evoking my response of distrust. It also evokes a response of feeling powerless and incapable. This is NOT how I am going to spend my energy or any portion of my recovery process at work! I am just venting it here. I say this with the most kindness and compassion I can muster: some coworkers are in for a realization because I am not going to put up with people looking at me and treating me through a lens of their own fear and discomfort. I will let them know it's direct impact on me, like how I do my job and progress in my recovery.

Boy, does this bring up personal stuff or what?! I am now "on the other side of the fence" where some people see me as compromised, challenged, etc. and their fear is a bigger barrier than anything else to my progress in the world.

In the last two months I have learned a great deal about when and how to push myself, how to interpret my body-mind experience, what to anticipate, how to articulate my concerns/frustrations/advances, and when to back off and relax and be patient with myself. I sense now I am going to be pushed in a new way (like with the care providers and doctors) about how to be patient with others, let them express themselves, and also how to be direct and nip things in the bud so shit does not get out of hand! Actually, I have a feeling I am not going to be all that patient. Patience in this context will not actually serve me or others. What a realization for me! It will behoove me and others to be upfront and straight forward and not hold back what I am feeling and thinking at work, about work, and about my healing and recovery - who or what may or may not be helping or hindering my progress and productivity.

Everyone I have talked to lately agrees that we are all impressed with my progress! This comes from a variety of perspectives including my surgeon (Dr. Fulkerson), physical therapist (April Smith), parents, friends, Alon, and my massage therapist, Bree, and just today - my Shiatsu healer, Dale (who last saw me at week two). And of course, me! 

I continue to work hard every day to get my physical stamina and mental acuity back to where it was (or better). And I think it shows. Getting to the gym yesterday and doing my PT routine and biking made me feel great and tired, but not like I had to go home and sleep kind of tired. Alon and I actually went out and had a nice lunch afterward. The stamina dip is expected and normal. I've realized there are times to work through that and it makes me feel stronger and more present. Then there are times to just close my eyes and let my body and mind recover. I am better able to tell now more than ever before in life, what I need and when as far as personal needs go.

That is my rant for today. Thanks for virtually checking in! :-)

Play Therapy at the Park! (pictures)

Yesterday, Alon and I and our friend Kat went to North Boulder Park. While Alon and Kat walked her dog, I played on the swings and started making up my own exercises. It was freeing, uplifting, empowering, and fun! Before hand, I honestly just wanted to go home and fall asleep, but deep down I wanted to test my endurance and push myself. I had already pushed myself that day (socializing, eating out, crutching around plus a lack of sleep)... but I am so glad I pushed a little more and discovered these moments of joy in the fresh, crisp Boulder air at the base of the Foothills.

Here I am (click on photos to enlarge):

Extension on the way up...

Flexion on the way back...

Runner's lunge, Position 1: Flexion. The majority of my weight is supported by the swing's saddle, my back (right) leg, and hands. Just a light toe touch on my left leg (permitted by doc).

Runner's lunge, Position 2: Extension. Just trying to straighten that left leg and feel a good stretch!

Look at me, I can fly! :-)

Physical Therapy Breakthough!

Pain is okay today. Still took an oxy and rubbed pain reliever cream (like icy hot) on my knee today because I could feel some sharp pain seeping in. But as I type I am sitting without a brace with both legs dangling over the edge of the couch. Right ankle crossed over left, applying slight pressure to push my left leg back. Knee feels tight, but tolerable.

Kind of made a break through in PT Tuesday! I was laying face up on the exam table (per usual - sometimes we do face down, and that is no fun). Face cloth in mouth to bite down on and muffle my screams. I know, kind of a pathetic sight. Squeezing the bajesus out of the stress ball in my right hand. Right foot pushing down furiously into the table top. Glutes flexed... talking myself into relaxation. April by my left side ready to get me bending. I had come into the appointment, smiling and laughing, the usual Erin. Then, Jekyll meets Hyde.

That said - On Tuesday October 25th during out patient PT with our beloved April Smith, it was easier to get to 98 degrees than ever before (still painful). Maybe it was all that talking to my knee in the wee hours of the morning. At 108 degrees of flexion my hip actually relaxed with less effort each time. We did this repeatedly with the same success about 3 times. We held it at 108 degrees for about a minute each time. It still hurt, but I could mentally and physically feel a shift. It made me (all three of us) so happy. We all realized this change was happening. All the while, Alon hovered over me holding me down and pushing my shoulders down into the table so I wouldn't skootch back. It actually worked as awful as it sounds. And I loved having Alon there, with his good energy and intentions and strength supporting my progress. 

April noticed that the muscles in my leg were contracting less (or something like that). She said we have worked through most of the muscular pain. The muscular contractions and pain were previously stopping us from progressing (she could feel it as could I). She said she felt like I have started to move into an actual physical stop, the scar tissue. This is good. This is okay. She says it should be easier and less painful to work through the scar tissue. Should I believe her? I do.

I can really see and feel progress, like my left leg hangs more easily around 90 degrees and I can push just a hair beyond that without so much pain as before.

YAY! Love to you all!

Dear Left Knee, that's right I'm talking to YOU.

It was 3 o'clock in the morning on Tuesday October 25th when I woke up with stabbing pain through the sides of my knee and deep soreness, which had continued over the last 24 hours or so. It kept me up for about 3 hours. About one hour into it I decided to take 7.5mg of oxycodone, even though I had taken one plus 5mg of valium about 6 hours prior. I haven't had to take this much heavy pain medication back to back to help me sleep for about 2 weeks.

I decided to have a little heart to heart with my left leg and left knee. It went something like this:

Dear Left Knee,

I want you to know that I hear you, I feel you, and I love you. I know you are hurting and tired. The rest of your body is here to offer love and support. We will be patient while you recuperate and regain your strength. Please try to be patient too and just rest. You worked harder than usual this weekend and last night. I know you're trying to be more social, mobile and active, and we realize it takes its toll on you. We commend you for your bravery and attempts at finding joy and normalcy in your day to day life. It suits you. Keep trying and keep taking it one day at a time.

Tonight you're feeling a bit hopeless and frustrated, tired and obviously in pain. Like someone is stabbing a knife through one side of your knee and out the other, while your quad and hip are in spasm. We feel it too. Your body is here to support you. You're not alone. In fact, your feelings are universal.

We hope you can find some peace in knowing that we (your body and mind) and many other humans and living beings in this world may experience something similar to what you're going through or see someone they love struggling and fighting like you are. We hope you can find that restful place inside you. Know that it's okay to let go of the pain. That others share in your pain.

Rest and peace are everywhere in every thing. You can tap into within you and all around you. Let the pain and discomfort and emotions you feel sink into the earth or float up into the stars. The universe can take whatever it is you can't or don't want to handle right now. You are not a coward for doing this. You are human. You should not feel the need to do it all and keep it all together all of the time. There are billions of people and other sentient beings that are sending you love and light right now. Right now. Receive that love and light and let it fill you up. See your pain and struggle for what it is. Let it go as much as you can. Let in the abundance of life and healing power of peace and compassion and gratitude.

With ever lasting love,

Erin