Bike Snob

So you know how two Saturdays ago I jacked my knee doing those ballerina leaps over a Bosu? Well, it's been a week and half... I'm still struggling to bounce back. Been going low key on workouts and what not since, unable to walk normally at the end of the day, feels like I was set back a month, but not really I hope. 

Last Saturday, St. Patrick's Day, our beloved housemate and resident musician, Jon Sousa, and his musical partner Adam Agee performed a free two-hour gig at Innisfree Poetry Bookstore & Cafe up on THE HILL (CU Boulder dominion). The musical expereince was so peaceful yet spirited and fun. It moved mountains within me. I will tell you that the owner, Brian, is a second generation Irishman who rooted himself in Boston, Massachusetts (woot woot). I was in so much pain coupled with frustration of varying elements going into all of this; I wasn't sure if I'd make it. Thwarted by pain, and not having a bike to ride in this balmy spring weather, and not being able to wear flip flops (and therefore sundresses like the rest of the world that day). It is a serious fashion faux pas to wear running shoes and sun dresses in my opinion, unless of course you're a righteous walker in NYC. I was glad that I got over myself (somewhat) and went to see Jon and Adam with Alon.

Adam and Jon at Innisfree

I digress. Point is, I really let go of everything bothering me, whatever was pinning me down, making me squirm and my skin crawl, and not allowing me to feel the love that is always around and within me. Jon and Adam's music put me in an extraordinarily good mood. A smile brimmed from ear to ear. Prior to this, I'll have you know I took a sweet ration of Oxycodone with Tylenol in order to mask the unbearable and face the world that day, because believe me, it would've been worse to take it and stay home commiserating alone. We are all relieved this was the last of my oxycodone which I'd been saving up for a moment like this since December. Goal achieved, moving on. The meds worked and about half way into the gig I was blissful, content, and rather stoned. I was opening up again to the love conveyed through music. Jon and Adam really were great and the audience was mellow and sweet. In complete contrast, I bet, to the Denver bar scene Jon and Adam were going to walk into later that night.

After the gig, Alon and I popped into Full Cycle (next door to Innisfree) where I test rode a couple bikes (hitting a dozen or so test rides in the last couple of weeks) ...and was rather captivated by Felt's Verza City 2 (which, if you read my last blog you'll know is the one I purchased). A sexy, full-figured, sparkly bronze commuter lady properly fitted with fenders, a rack, and disc brakes. THIS commuter cyclist's dream (minus $1000 *wink wink*). Took a five minute spin, enough to get a intuitive feel. Then Alon and I ate at The Sink where I reviewed some bike catalogs handed over by William at Full Cycle and enjoyed a delicious black bean burger. A cold, homemade lemonade swallowed the day into a sweet, bright, refreshing dream state.

Today! Today I went into the Boulder Bookstore and like a pleasant breeze was guided gently to the novel "The Enlightened Cyclist" by Eben Weiss (blogger of bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com). I've been entertaining myself with Eben's writing and antics online for about a year now. Low and behold, the man Himself is doing an author event at BBS this Sunday. I will be attending. Will you join me? I purchased this new book of his which I will start immediately upon typing the last period of this post.

My new, full-figured, sexy lass of a bike.

No News is Good News

... so here's the news:

Last Saturday I learned about two of my temporary limitations. Jumping and fast lateral movement.

In my new favorite group exercise class, Butts and Guts!, we had a kick ass 25 minute routine last Saturday. Part of this routine included jumping up in the air and bending down to squat and touch the floor. About 24 times. I remember doing these in basketball practice in high school. My first thought when I did this Saturday turned out to the be right one. You shouldn't be jumping. Nothing happened immediately. I modified to smaller, less frequent jumps. Still... bad idea as it turns out.

Another part of the class routine included a Bosu ball workout. I've grown to love and admire the Bosu for it's ability to provide continuous challenges and rewards. Staring at it like it knows it just made my life harder for the better. Smirking at it as I contemplate the positioning, balance, and agility I need to master it.

Saturday in "Butts & Guts!" we were literally leaping like ballerinas laterally over the Bosu to land one leg on the soft inflated part and one leg on the floor, and sitting back into a squat. BAD IDEA. What fun it seemed like at first... and then, that little voice. Side to side leaps over a half ball followed by one legged squats? Probably not there yet. Slow down, girl.

Well, yes, I continued... modified and slow, but still pushing the limits... wondering what my body will say to me later.

Here it is Thursday... six days later... and this week has been somewhat hellish for the ole left leg. I've had to scale back my workouts and walk a bit gimpy. Sharp pains through the inside of my knee. Soarness and stiffness from hip to toes. Rubbing the massive knot in my upper calf (probably from landing on my toes continuously instead of flat footed) and standing up to stretch during meetings more often. I've taken a few thousand milligrams of Tylenol and ibuprofen over the course of the week and today, reported all this to my physical therapist.

She told me exactly what I had learned, "You're just not there yet, but you will be!". We practiced some "jumping" and "running" simulation exercises using about 60-70% of my body weight. That was encouraging. We used the Total Gym for the running and a 2 inch high box platform for the jumping. This all felt pretty fine which was good. Although walking is not so easy tonight. I feel like I just don't want to move my leg at all, or else, pain. Fortunately, this is not the kind of pain that wakes me up at night. 

For all intents and purposes, I am doing great! The last two weeks or so I have observed marked (albeit small) increases in mobility, flexibility, feeling "light" and relaxed muscles. I'm walking A LOT and I'm much better at stairs (no awkward thumping). I also had my first REAL bike ride out on the open road yesterday! I rented a chill little step through cruiser-type bike by GIANT from Full Cycle and peddled my way to the gym. I even rode through the corner where I was in my accident. It was at least 70 degrees and sunny and that's all I really cared about. I was in complete bliss... peddling... warm... and free. I want to do this all day, every day. The weather has been so perfect for it. Another temporary physical limitation observed on the bike ride: standing and peddling... um, not so much. Hence, the term "cruiser". I am excited to continue to watch my progress, find balance in my every day experiences, and focus on more good times ahead.

My body is my temple

Quite a few people have asked me lately, "has this injury been a spiritual experience for you?" It's a really difficult question to answer. I think I can see where people are coming from though: has my experience affected me in some profound way? What is meant by "spirituality" anyways? I think it has changed almost constantly throughout my lifetime. In a good way. In a way that allows me to learn something new, see things in a new way, and not get stuck in a specific dogma that excludes all others. 

While blogging, I've shared with you the glimpses and glimmers of spirituality as it is often woven throughout my experience (and all of ours, if that's how we chose to see the world).

Today, while silently thinking about people's inquiry around spirituality and developing my own... I thought, "what is my spirituality to me right now?" At times I have been more focused on the intellectualizing of spirituality and religion, more devoted to my meditation practice, and more open and aware of the spiritual teachings of others. 

For the past 6 months I have been so enveloped by my recovery, physical training, emotional well-being, and relationships with my loved ones that my focus on spirituality has in a sense become less, I thought. When in fact I don't think it's become less. I think it has shifted even more from an external experience to an internal one. 

During this time I have never been so dedicated to my self. At the same time, my gratitude has never felt more abundant. I have never had to open myself up so much to receiving help and love from others. I have never been faced so directly with the challenge of self-acceptance and harnessing will power to overcome great personal adversity.

So anyways, as I sat kind of glazed over on a stationary bike at the gym staring out into a bright, sunshiney day I asked myself about spirituality - have I drifted away from it? What has changed for me? What is my spirituality now? 

An answer billowed inside of me:

"My body is my temple." 

Yes! This made perfect sense to me! To me, it meant that all the while this divine presence, the spiritual teachings I sought or thought that I might be missing were always within me and within my own experience as a physical being of this earth. This is great, I thought! Keep going! Ride this wave.

I didn't just hear the words my body is a temple or hear someone nearby say it (cuz lets face it, it's not the most original phrase, especially here in the yogi capital of the world: Boulder). I really felt my body as a sacred temple - as a place to experience my "awakening" of sorts. This body of mine is a place to cherish, to nourish, to take care of, to believe in, to accept, to love, to protect, to give of freely, and to be amazed by! 

Deep in my bones and in my muscles with each revolution on the bicycle the words echoed in my mind and resounded in my heart. It was reaffirming to know and deeply feel that my dedication to myself is not fleeting and it is so important. This is a forever commitment to myself. Who knew I would be woken up in this way by this injury and recovery process? 

This body of mine, this thing so easily taken for granted, so under appreciated at times, so neglected in the past... is not only what takes me on my spiritual path but it IS my path toward awakening, toward understanding, toward gratitude, and toward cultivating more love and acceptance of myself and in turn, of others.

Surgeon's Update

I had my last official post-op appointment with Dr. Fulkerson on Friday, January 27th. She said my next appointment would be in six months! The short of it is that I cannot stop working as hard as I have been in rehab, that I should not leave physical therapy too early or else I risk compromising my progress, and that I am still expected to make a 100% come back (within two years of the date of the injury: August 26, 2011).

I need to push harder on my own knee to force the bending to happen. Doc suggested I do this by attempting to sit back on my heels while seated. This is not fun and does cause pain due to stiffness (scar tissue). I can see it's going to take quite a bit of time, concentration, and effort on my part. 

Dr. Fulkerson "tested" my ACL (using her hands and some maneuvering of my knee) and determined that it too feels stable. The attachment point where the ACL is affixed to the bone broke off during the accident. It apparently reattached and regrew in a very satisfactory way! We do not foresee a surgery for ACL repair. Thank goodness!

Come August 2012 we expect that I will be physically ready (far enough along in rehab) to have the hardware removed. Good bye steel plate and screws. If it were to remain in for longer, that would technically not impede my recovery. It would still be very nice not to have that bulging plate on my shin!

5 Month Update

Physical Therapy:

• Roughly 3 more months of PT - next week I will be winding down from 2 x per week (for the next 2 weeks) to 1 x per week (weeks 3-6) to once every other week (weeks 7-12).
• Range of motion is 131 degrees on my own
• Hamstring strength is very good
• Quad strength is getting better, still needs work

Body's Condition:

• Hips and knees seem better aligned (evident during squats)
• Gait is improving, limp is almost unnoticeable at times 
• SI joint displacement leading to joint pain and sciatic nerve pain down right leg / off and on for last couple of weeks - becoming less frequent.
• Very tight psoas and hip flexors
• Increasing ab strengthening exercises to hopefully minimize the low back and hip pains  
• Weekly myofascial release (focusing left knee region) and massage therapy (Thai/full body)
• No pain relievers (Tylenol/Ibuprofen) for knee related pain in about 2 weeks!

Personal Update: 

For all intents and purposes, I have permanently reduced my work week hours to 32. After trying to hit 40 per week after the new year it proved to be too much. My overall health and rehabilitation were suffering. After reaching the decision on Monday and getting it formalized and approved on Tuesday, today I felt like a renewed person. I am very much looking forward to the reduced hours - after a lot of battling with myself, disappointment, and purposeful realigning of my goals to be more realistic, more achievable, and less devastating. 

The inquiry I find myself in more and more goes something like:

"What decisions can I make in each moment, every day, and over my lifetime to deeply feel as much health and happiness as possible?". 

The intention I wrote out this morning on the community "2012 intentions board" in my kitchen was:

I will do everything in my power to bring more personal awareness to and to achieve my optimal physical, mental, emotional, relationship, and spiritual health.

This is where I am at now. I am really starting to open up to some new awareness, to shed some old beliefs and perceptions, and to tap into the richness this experience has brought me. It feels really good and wholesome, very freeing. 

Surgeon's update to come ... next follow up appointment is this Friday, 1/27/12!

Things are shifting

I had one of those days last weekend where I woke up with a great burst of energy and determination. I was not stiff or sore. No need to take any pain relievers (actually, as of today 1/18 - I went 6 days without any tylenol or ibuprofen; and took maybe 2000mg total over a 10 day period. AWESOME!). 

I set off for a one hour, intense work out at the YMCA at 8am. It felt fantastic and hard. Then it all changed. It felt like I had spun around 100 times, ran 10 miles, and was carrying a 60-pound pack through a thick, dark, musty swamp. My stamina was shot! Despite my long list of to-do items thoughtfully written out the night before including working from home, all my determination to be productive was gone and nothing got done except the essential which was walking to the bathroom or kitchen, grocery shopping and making a dish for our first Highland House pot luck dinner. 

My body and mind have not spoken this clearly and loudly in a long time... "STOP AND REST!". I had no choice but to surrender.

Sunday night our first week at the Highland House was capped with a delicious pot luck dinner and house meeting. 

I've noticed that my stomach has been sensitive to foods lately, even citrus in the morning. This tells me that I have some emotional build up. I've definitely had "emotional seeping"... where tears or a dip in mood come suddenly and unexpectedly in various situations. It's not great. I should probably create a container for some emotional release. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform my 40 hour work week, be present with clients and staff, friends and family and housemates. But I'm fading fast... 

I woke up tearful and exhausted beyond comprehension, crawling through the day at a snail's pace. Yet, not even thinking to take pain medication; I just didn't need it. Alon watched me struggle in the morning and gently held me and encouraged me to go to work. I acknowledged my feelings of wanting to stay in bed, feeling the weight of depression and fatigue come over me like a tsunami. I was almost breathless. With his encouragement, I carried on and was able to show up for my staff and my clients in a fairly low capacity but still present. I was glad for that but I still ask myself if it was the right choice. 

Next day... I feel like maybe my stride is picking up a bit. I had wonderful one hour massage this afternoon with Bree, which my leg and body were so hungry for. I feel much stronger in my morning routine, meaning when I get up out of bed I don't have to lean on the wall for a few minutes to stretch my leg or shake off the stiffness or gain strength. I can just get up and go (with a little limp). The pain and stiffness are just that much less. It's great! Lots of people are commenting on how much better I am walking during the day, so that's really nice to hear/see.

Little thing... A pillow between my legs while sleeping is still comforting, though I've realized not as essential. I still toss and turn a lot. I can lay on my back more comfortably allowing my left leg to relax (sometimes). That said, there is a new-ish pain and discomfort, a tightness perhaps, in my knee when I try to straighten my leg. More PT, more extension, more time will help it along.

Patience and not being hard on myself are by far the most difficult challenges right now. It was a lot easier to give myself a break when I was laid up at home for two and half months. After Christmas I was really hoping to resume a 40 hour work week, still attending to two-two hour PT appointments per week and other daily work outs at the gym. I'm realizing I just can't cut it... I feel like I'm letting myself down and others... though I was fairly reassured today by coworkers that I'm still doing a good job and working hard. My stamina and motivation at work are definitely suffering.
Cliches come to mind... We are our own worst enemy (and critic). If I don't have my health, I have nothing - it's true. I must take time again to really focus on the path that supports me in being the happiest, healthiest, and best person I can be right now. I'm struggling a bit with it, but I know I am where I am supposed to be, and all will work out.


Much love to all of you have been with me and supporting me during this crazy Rite of Passage! I love you all. Knowing your love and support are out there brings me up and gives me clarity in the really difficult times. Thank you!

Physical Therapy Highlights!

Today was a fantastic day at physical therapy! Flexion was measured at 135 degrees with the unwavering assistance from my physical therapist, April. I made it to this position not once, but twice. It was awesome! Of note, I can be released from physical therapy once I am able to bend to 135 degrees on my own.

Last week we made some of my exercises more difficult. The most challenging is the one-legged, side-lying squat with a squishy balancing disc placed under my left heel (for pushing off of). Two sets of 5. It was remarkably easier to get started and keep the momentum this week, though still teeth-clenching and bursts of vocalization to make it through each repetition. Some day I will be where this girl is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tME4WKWr5d8. The next hardest would be the "monster walk". Imagine taking a thera-band (silver - maximum resistance), tied around your ankles, held taught at about should width apart, bending into a partial squat and stepping side ways. Going quite slowly to keep control of movement of both legs, and remaining in a squat. Each leg, inside and out, gets a total work out, not to mention the glutes, hamstrings, and calves. I did three laps across the gym floor (about 25 feet in one direction). And my legs and butt were on fire! Here's a muscly guy doing a wimpy version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CGNwL5xSd0.