Contemplation & Change

My contemplation lately has been about courage, consciousness, creativity, and compassion. These are my gateways to change (another C word), which, for me, truly starts from within. What do these words mean to you? 

I refuse to get caught in the flurry; the hustle and bustle side of life. Jumping from one thing to the next - be it an idea, a job, a home, a relationship, an academic program, project, or hobby. I want to make solid, meaningful steps on my path. I like dreamers and visionaries, and I like being a dreamer too. But there is a middle path I am starting to get more in touch with where the dreamer meets the road and walks confidently on the path ahead. So far, I am getting the results I want while being somewhat insanely and stubbornly conscious in this newish way. What are the results? One is about being a better friend to myself. This is like pressing stop and rewind over and over again to catch that mysterious lyric you can just barely decipher. Each time, getting clearer information and coming to a deeper understanding of what it is that is being said. Judging less, loving more. Simplifying my life. Following my heart and serving my community while supporting myself on all levels (financial, emotional, physical, spiritual, mental). Having honest conversations with people. Going for what I want; taking a leap of faith! Clarity is on the horizon as I embrace living from an even deeper internal center rather than an external focus.

Creating the life I want means coming from a place of genuine truth. As I encourage myself to speak, live, behave, and feel more of my personal truth, I get closer to my core truth, to my truest self. I start to question, let go of, and change ideas, behaviors, thought patterns, identities, and even relationships (to people, places, ideas or things) that do not serve or suit me any longer. I embrace change. I accept and love myself. I recognize the stuff that I have an aversion to which is simultaneously giving me some very important messages. What am I supposed to do but slow down and listen? What do I learn but to accept IT. I thereby accept some newly conscious part of myself. Then, I learn to love IT. Thereby loving some newly conscious part of myself. Then, a change follows. Some part of my internal world shifts and most likely a part of my external world shifts too, whether it is something in my physical world or a shift in my perspective thereby altering how I see the world.

My mantras:
   Be courageous. Be conscious. Create. Be compassionate.
          Be CURIOUS!
                   EMBRACE CHANGE WITH A SMILE.
                           Live the life I want...
                                    

"Be the change you [I] wish to see in the world".  -Ghandi

 

Eating my way through San Francisco

Roaming from one neighborhood to the next today, we nibbled our fair share of local delicacies. Starting with a shared deluxe falafel sandwich at Truly Mediterranean which you can find next to the Roxie in the Mission (note: every thing in California begins with "the" - get used to it; i.e. "the Roxie", "the Mission", "the 580"). 

In the beloved Castro district while we were drenched with sunlight and surrounded by peacefully supported individuality and self-expression, beautiful men slipped by me (including a naked one). With a spicy chai in hand Alon and I stopped at Under One Roof, a vibrant non-profit supporting local artist and various non-profits in the AIDS community, where I purchased my "Support Equal Marriage Rights" pin and tacked it proudly on my purse. We looped back around to Anchor Oyster Bar after passing it once at high noon lunch rush; indulging in a cup of New England clam chowder, sharing a half dozen oysters from New Brunswick and Washington State, and balancing it out with a fresh green salad we rolled out of Castro with full bellies. Two digestive enzyme pills accommodating my foodie journey at this point. 

Dim sum sampling followed at Good Mong Kok Bakery, "Nice Food" in China Town -- HIGHLY recommended -- a perfectly steamed boa of pork and vegetables plus an over sized sesame ball ($1.30) followed by a different variety (not as good) of steamed boa and a yellow, slightly sweet, glutenful block of dessert-like-thing that resembled a giggly bar of translucent soap ($1.30) about a block away. I boardered on stuffing myself at this point. 

We meandered to North Beach (old town feel, super friendly people). A man with long white hair and a bright purple tank top offered to point us in an interesting direction. We were led to Cafe Trieste in a Little Italy sorta place, gently sipping a hot Americano, Alon enjoying a latte as the air became brisk and the sun started to set. Listening, watching, and smelling the scene unfold around me. I scribble my first entry of three pages into my beautiful new journal, a lotus on its cover. It was a perfect day thanks to my perfect, personal tour guide (and his iPhone), my sweety and Bay Area-expert, Alon.

A kiss atop her head

A blink and they are gone

Punctuated by the man on the corner

checked shirt and bad parallel parking

She sits. Waiting for what?

Tin can clinks

The man in the corner at a table for four

Sits still with hands gently clasped

Staring far beyond the plate glass window

Music dissolves into the background

His gaze a blur

It's not unusual, as they come and go.

She's back, he's gone.
Thump, thump

Squeeeek

Whirrrr

Getting unstuck

I've been doing Pilates at home on my (friend's) mini reformer, the AeroPilates, for about three months now. I've increased from once a week to three days a week, now to about every other day and sometimes more often than that. I've also been getting incredible "rolfing" or deep tissue massage which couples the physical massage experience with a much deeper stored memory (usually trauma), emotional, and spiritual release. The massage was every other week for about two months, then every three weeks, now every four to six. Every other week (on average) I attend a "restorative yoga" class which I nickname as "assisted naps". It's the slowest, most gentle, effective "yoga" one can imagine. I took this class the day after one of my massages last week, and for only the second time in a year was able to fully go into Child's Pose without much effort or strain. I quietly celebrated with a little wiggle of excitement as everyone else in the room dozed off momentarily. All of these acts of self-care have been incredibly transformational, moving, and encouraging. I've found the groove that has taken my body to the next level of healing and strength. 

At work, I've transformed my office to include a stand-up computer workstation. This allows me to get up and down a lot more frequently and even stand for extended periods of time. For a girl who battles the concept and physical reality of sitting at a desk all day, this sitting-standing combo has brought much relief and spring in my step you might say. I get up from sitting and can walk with ease, no stiffness when walking at all (usually having only sat for a few minutes, not a half hour or more).

The combination of Pilates, deep intentional massage, restorative yoga, and the stand up work station have dramatically improved the stiffness in and around my left knee. At times the massage has worked "miracles" in my opinion. I come out of a ninety minute session moving and feeling as light as a feather. My mood dramatically improves as well. The massage has truly facilitated incredible breakthroughs. The yoga instills relief and a sense of deep inner peace and trust and truth seeking. I wake up in the morning and it takes only a couple steps to shake the kinks out and walk normally to the bathroom. I end my day easily traversing the steps to my bedroom. I bike everyday, sometimes standing up on the pedals to power up a hill. All this without a hitch.

The thing that still bugs me is the soft tissue pain, mostly behind my knee, when I try to do a full extension. This is something my massage therapist and Pilates instructor/physical therapist and yoga teacher continue to monitor and reassure me that it just needs some good stretching. Regardless, it's frustrating. All the stretching and massage help certainly but only temporarily for this tiny little bit of stiffness felt upon full extension of my left leg. Last night I had this sudden insight. My subconscious lit up and said loudly, "Go get acupuncture." Then I thought, is it acupuncture or some other energy work - like reflexology or reiki - that I need? 

There's always something we can do to move through stagnation, even the tiniest effort or awareness can cause a dramatic shift. I've heard the calling to do something different about this bit of stiffness behind my knee, which has been plaguing me since my first "quad set" with the home physical therapist last year. I'm excited about this new awareness and invitation to bring in more alternative healing modalities. There's really no telling where it will lead in both my physical body and my day to day life. It's time to get unstuck, one level deeper.

Tending my secret garden

On the eve of my birthday a friend asked, "What do you want to have happen this year?" I had just blown out the candles on my birthday apple pie, lovingly made by my housemates, who were all gathered around our butcher block table. The light of the nearly full moon was pouring in through the kitchen window.

My answer was immediate: I'd like to experience more joy and contentment. I want to experience joy and contentment in both passive and active ways. To realize and feel that what I have is enough. I have everything I need. I can tap into the flow of abundance at anytime because it is ever present. Abundance of love, happiness, peace, self-fulfillment, and even money are all right here. From this place I can feel content. I am joyful, grateful for all that I have, all that I experience, all that I share, give, receive, feel, think, believe, and imagine.

The active part of this wish to experience more joy and contentment is about making conscious choices that align with my own happiness, belief in myself, and truth. Through my actions I will achieve greater joy, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment in my life. Part of actively creating more joy and contentment includes the following: acknowledging myself, accepting myself, affirming myself, allowing myself, and showing affection toward myself (self-love).

For me, a real sense of joy and contentment comes from within. It is not something that is created externally and then absorbed or swallowed like a little yellow pill. The joy and contentment are about connecting with and expressing my truth. It's about honoring and acknowledging "little Erin", the child inside. It is about being in "the flow". Noticing when stress arises and taking that as a sign that there is some part of me that is not being expressed, a need that is unmet, alignment is off. Joy and contentment come from being courageous enough to figure out what that is and face it. To be my own friend first. 

My ultimate wish is that from this place of joy and contentment for love and compassion to flow through me in abundance. To realize that my well is overflowing at all times, not getting depleted or low on resources. This place in me, this utopia, is like a secret garden - one that I tend to, create, beautify, and master. It is my sanctuary, my paradise, my place of giving and receiving, a place from which to respond authentically, a place to truly be alive!

Anniversary can mean so many things

365 days of blogging... well, not really. More like 60-somethings posts. There were some breaks in there. But 365 days of recovery. Absolutely. And counting. 365 days of patience, perseverance, acceptance, frustration, sadness, gratitude, surprise, self-discovery, self-renewal, joy, support, learning, and love. Yes. Yes. Yes!

A year ago today I started this blog as a commitment to my health, to experiencing gratitude, and to living happily. Eight hours after my first blog entry - filled with optimism and sense of accomplishment, I crashed my bike on the side of the road and so began the most painful and frightening day of my life. About two years to the day, Alon and I signed our first lease together and I began to settle in to the most beautiful relationship of my life (sounds a little corny, but love can be that way sometimes and it's good!). Almost three years ago to the day, I found out my Mom was battling stage two breast cancer and I met Alon shortly thereafter. Four years to the day, I became part of a cohort at Naropa University who I would spend a year with studying transpersonal counseling psychology, mindfulness meditation, and wilderness therapy. Today, I find myself healthy and getting stronger, filled with gratitude for all things, people, and accomplishments in my life. And everyday - though sometimes it's a real struggle - I focus on and succeed in bringing more joy, peace, acceptance, and fulfillment into my life.

There have been just a few things I've learned this year... 1) the art of acceptance, 2) how to create more happiness and joy in my life, 3) how to tell a story, and 4) a great blogger updates people at least once a week and keeps her posts to 500 words or less (still working on that one).

That said, the new self-awareness I can share with you today includes... 

1) Transformation is beautiful, challenging, and awkward! (i.e. from extrovert to introvert)

2) I'm taking control of my life (to the extent possible) by making intentional choices focused on my happiness. (seems simple but it hasn't been!)

3) The courage to be me is always in demand.

4) I have enough. Right here. Right now.

5) I am perfect in every moment / every moment is perfect.

6) My truth and experience are valid, real, and worthy.

7) I experience a universal truth with you all, with everyone.

8) I am, without a doubt, a highly-sensitive person. (Yet another learning curve.)

9) I want to be a professional freelance writer. (gulp)

10) I am constantly learning and moving towards a higher goal / higher purpose.

And most of all... I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE!!! From within me and all of you. Love is truly abundant and everywhere. Thank you to everyone who has made this year so amazing, so humbling, easier, sweeter, more comfortable, less comfortable, and more forgiving. I love each and every one of you!

One Year Post-Op Follow Up

A week ago Thursday (July 26th) was my 11 month anniversary of my bike accident (crushed tibial plateau, broken tib/fib, and torn meniscus & ACL). It was also my "one year" post-op follow up with my surgeon, Dr. Lori Fulkerson. If I could add to her list of credentials it would say something like, "Assists with shocking and inspiring come backs".

Lori was just that, shocked. She said, "When I opened you up 11 months ago I was looking at every surgeon's worst nightmare. Crushed bone. I am absolutely blown away at how well you've healed and how far you've come. The contours at the top of the lateral plateau are really nice. You can see it's a little more depressed on this side than the other, but it's smooth and even and that's what we wanted. Your femur can glide easily right along that grove and depression. You should be fine for at least another 25 years. Really good, Erin. As I move your knee around it's clicking a bit and I think that's just the hardware not the joint. That protrusion on the lateral side is from three screw heads going into your plateau through the plate. It's not deformation or bone growth. All that will go away when you get the metal out."

Needless to say, Alon and I were elated to hear all of this. Put my mind at ease!

We went through some routine questions...

Lori: Any aches, pains, swelling? 

Erin: Below my knee cap, along the plateau aches sometimes but it's not debilitating in any way. Recently I had some serious pain in the soft tissues behind my knee and in the upper calf and lower hamstring. Hurt to the gentlest touch. It was worked out by 90 minutes of deep tissue massage (Rolfing). It swells up the day after I run.

Lori: Run! (jaw hits the floor) What...?!

Erin: Since mid-April I've been running 30 seconds on 30 seconds off for about 10 minutes on the treadmill at the gym. One or two times a week. Sometimes I skip weeks at a time. But I'm making progress. Slowly. I stop if ever I feel the slightest bit of pain.

Lori: Well, don't make a habit of that. Running will not be good for you in the long run.

Erin: I hear ya. Running is not my thing really. But there is freedom in knowing I can if I had to, like run away from a bad person, save some lady's pocketbook from a mugger, run to the car, to catch a flight, or up a flight of stairs. Also I might do a 5-10 minute run in the mornings every once in a while, once I'm up to it. But really nothing more than that. I'd like to be able to sprint bases again someday... you know, for wiffle ball and other highly competitive sports.

Lori: Ok, that's fine. I still can't believe you've started running. That's really great. So, what else are you doing for exercise? Are you still doing physical therapy?

Erin: I stopped seeing April in, well, about April, and started seeing Lori at the same office. Been doing 30 minutes of intense Pilates with Lori 1-2 times per week. Now I go every other week, simply because it gets expensive. I'd go twice a week if I could afford it. It's done wonders for my strength, flexibility, and confidence. In my knee, and everywhere else. Relearning neurological pathways, balance, and how to recruit more muscle in this left leg. It's been incredibly educational and eye-opening. I love it. I'm trying to get back to the gym to do my regular workouts but I've been enjoying the summer break. I bike commute about 5 miles per day. I've been hiking a bit this summer and went on a four day camping and white water rafting trip a few weeks ago. That was the end all be all celebration for me!

Lori: That's awesome, Erin. Keep it up. Next time you call me, it'll be three to six months from now and you can just schedule your surgery to get the hardware out.

Erin: That's great! Okay. Are we still looking at a 2-6 week recovery for that?

Lori: Yes. The operation will take about 1 hour. At this point I don't forsee any added surgeries or procedures. Just removing the plate and six screws. The incision will heal in about 2 weeks; you'll be on crutches, weight bearing of course. Nothing like before, but I'm sure you'll be triggered. I'll have you go back to PT for at least 4 weeks to make sure you don't lose any of your range of motion and to keep your confidence strong.

Erin: Okay. That sounds good. Thinking or talking about my accident, and even just coming to this appointment today still creates a very visceral experience for me. I guess it's starting to lessen in intesity and frequency so that's nice. But everything is still so "right there". As much as I want and need the metal out, I'm glad that I can go a few more months without thinking about surgery. It'll be easier on my wallet, too.

A recap...

Pre-Op Crush-age

Post-Op - Bionic Leg!

Compression socks, ice packs head to toe

First Month of Recovery - Hibernation

11 Months Later - Celebration!

Sunset hike up Red Rocks, July 2012

Shifting (Part I): Movement... A Tidal Wave of Energy

A major theme in my life right now is SHIFTING. It's gorgeous. It's big and bold and exciting. Here's an example:

I am still going to physical therapy every other week with a focus on Pilates which I feel serves me very well at this time. Today I was on the reformer. We increased resistance A LOT. I told Lori I wanted to focus on building quad strength. I warmed up and then jumped into some hard lower body stuff. She guides me through the routine; different every time. It's priceless training, rehab or otherwise. I was doing bilateral leg exercises, then one legged exercises on each side. Believe it or not, my right leg fatigues and hurts so much faster than the left one, which still has much less muscle. This all makes sense as one understands more about muscle fiber recruitment. My right leg knows and remembers how to recruit all the muscle fibers to do the work (it was never atrophied or traumatized) while my left one is still re-learning that, after being severely atrophied and injured. It's really quite incredible to witness, especially with such a large, important muscle like the quad and glutes. 

I've plateaued, actually quite a while I go I plateaued in my exercise routines. But in a way that was okay because the seasons were changing and I knew I'd be outside more, trying new things (hiking, biking more, rafting!). Now I feel ready to move beyond the plateau, in the arena of the gym workouts. I'm at a new level where I have the mechanics and muscle (and confidence) to do all the exercises I want to, and I'm able to increase the weight or resistance and push myself much harder than ever before. Today we bumped up the resistance A LOT on the Pilates reformer. Where I could do only 5 reps and then I was done. Done done. Like completely fatigued. Like a body-builder might do. It was very uplifting, fun, and newly motivating to do this kind of work at this point in my rehab. 

Throughout, my physical therapist and Pilates Instructor, Lori, kept reminding me to talk out loud to my left quad (or in my mind): instructing it to recruit more muscle; to work harder; to fire; to TRUST and BELIEVE (like the little engine that could). Recruit more muscle. Come on! At one point I practically yelled at my leg under my breath. Gritting my teeth with utmost determination. I want to be stronger SO badly. I could feel the difference - at first it felt like I was just going through the motions, easy and not tiring. Then, I started talking to it and challenging my leg with new weight and motion. And the therapist started tapping my quad with her finger tips as I was doing the exercises and the left quad started twitching! Like never before. It was actually getting tired! 

Without a thought, I burst into tears today (of joy, of amazement!) when my left quad finally started twitching; activating new muscle fibers, recruiting more muscle. Getting tired! I was so sick of my right leg always getting tired and my left one was like, "eh, I don't care. This is good enough." It wasn't good enough! It's not! This experience today, like the first time I ran on the treadmill back in the Spring, was a PEAK experience (thank you, Alon, for reflecting that back to me - I didn't realize it at the time). I wanted to shout from the rooftop! I felt fully charged and alive in the moment! I felt completely amazing. Overtaken by beautiful emotion and my body's feedback. From joy and pride to struggle and frustration. It was all wrapped up in there. There was not enough space in the room to hold or express my full experience. It felt like I could lift a car of the ground if I had to. Yes! It was like that! This huge, amazing YES!! What mind-blowing energy to harness and behold! Wouldn't it be even more amazing if I could control that energy, instead of it controlling me? That's another topic to be explored further, later. I could not keep a lid on it! 

And Lori welcomed it all. Encouraged me to BREATH into it... to integrate. The somatic, neurological, and emotional integration that is still happening a year later - in moments like these - along with physical gains - completely astounds me. Blows me away. I am so grateful for those moments. I feel like I am experiencing life on this much grander scale, much more fully. I am aware of a much greater potential. It feel so cool! I am so grateful for my progress, to witness my truest self in moments of joy and frustration, and for my physical therapists (as well as my massage therapists - that's another story) who push me to new levels and show me the gateway to infinite potential, peace, excitement, joy!