Watch out Forrest Gump...

 Forrest Gump embarks upon a new path in his life: running... deepening his understanding and connection to himself and his place on Earth..

I'm running! Once last Tuesday and once yesterday, I jumped on the treadmill at the gym for 30 seconds of jogging with 1 minute intervals of walking for a total of 8 minutes. I was excited! I cried after the first attempt last week. And I shouted "woohoo!" yesterday, then looking around like "who was that?". I just couldn't contain my excitement. 

I've been cleared to introduce running into my workouts like this for about 4 weeks and just hadn't felt ready until now. I was either too tired or just mentally not feeling it or was more excited to do other workouts. It was important to me that I wait and truly feel excited and ready to start running. The wait was worth it!

Mostly, my reaction was bliss. I truly felt like my form was the best it had ever been. And I know very little about proper running form. I just felt so solid; not a whisper of a limp and didn't miss a beat. I felt more like a runner than I'd ever felt before in my life and got a brief glimpse of why some people love it so much. The body feels like a strong, capable, working machine! What a change in perspective! I was fully accepting of my new ability and fairly shocked by it. I was relieved and proud of myself for getting to this point. In a very small way, I wanted to run more than those 5-30 seconds intervals, and knew I should not and had to stop myself from pushing it too hard (which would have caused problems). The physical sensation was never pain, but a warm tingling sensation around the area of the plate and shin, which felt a little weird but okay. I imagined that to be just blood rushing into the area with increased circulation. 

To curb some of the anticipated pain and soreness after running I am icing my knee 2-3 times per day for 20 minutes for the 48 hours following, and also putting on some topical analgesic and arnica, as well as taking 250mg of ibuprofen 2 times per day to help with the anticipated swelling. I did add 1 or 2 doses of 250mg Tylenol the day after. I felt a little bit of a sharp or tight sensation along the lateral side of my knee, very localized, at a ligament that passes near the connection point of the fibula. Based on my personal experience, my relationship with my body, with pain, and with my physical therapist I know this sensation not to be a danger or warning sign of re-injury. I was right. The sensation dissipated after a couple days and did not inhibit my other activities at all. I did Pilates and another workout over the next few days following last week's initial running.

Through this particular experience I feel I have deepened my knowledge, wisdom, and sense of trust about myself and my body. The awareness and truth that was revealed to me felt like a "leveling up" with a deep sense of peace and joyfulness! Overall, the experience was very empowering and beautiful. I felt beautiful.

FYI:

8 More Degrees to Feeling Normal

Measured my degrees of flexion yesterday at PT and I am bending my left leg to 143 degrees! That means I can almost touch my heel to my glute! This feels more like stretching should feel, and I feel less inhibited by pain and discomfort like it had been.  My therapist warns me not to stretch it too far; that 135 degrees is normal and my ligaments and joints lean towards being loose and over-flexible; I need to keep things stable and strong in that region. In other words, I'm probably right where I should be.

I'm still working some gentle plyometrics into my routine along with hiking, which are both a real mark of progress to me at this point in my recovery. For plyo I'm using one of those aerobic platforms and doing toe taps, and side steps over the top (no spins yet), for about 10-15 minutes. My knee joint is very sore for a few days after either one of those activities. The "doing" part is not painful - it's empowering, liberating, and just feel really good. I can't remember if I wore the IT support band during my plyo routine or not last Saturday, but I need to do that in hopes that it reduces the soreness afterwards. 

I'll probably starting "running" in the next couple of weeks. This means getting on a treadmill and jogging slowly for about 30 seconds, then walking for a minute. Do a few sets of that and then I'm done. Keep doing that for about a month, and continue increasing the running interval time and decreasing the walking interval time. Building this up to a solid 5 minute jog will probably take another 3-6 months. The idea is to still be able to walk and function normally at the end of the day. A little soreness is fine, but I have to be able to go up and down stairs at the end of the day without too much sacrifice.

Pilates has a brilliant way of showing me my strengths and weaknesses. As I progress out of PT (which includes 30 minutes of Pilates right now), I am looking at doing a once a week group Pilates reformer class for $25 at The Pilates Center in Boulder. They also do a FREE mat class on Thursday nights, so that's what I'm going to check out tonight.

Oh! Much to my warm-weather delight, I am able to wear flip flops and other "flimsy" shoes for about a hour or two every few days without repercussion. I still mostly rock the big white tennis shoes with every outfit but this is also a mark of strength and progress... and vanity!


Thanks for reading up on my life... :-) Hope you all are doing great, too! Someday I will write about something different.

237 days and counting...

What is like to recover from a major injury?

I am still on the path to FULL RECOVERY but I can confidently say I AM NO LONGER INJURED. I had a test today in Pilates. Some of you might think this is lame, if so, that's only because you are ignorant. Go take a Pilates Reformer class and you'll see. My one on one Pilates Reformer/Physical Therapy session was amazing. My Pilates instructor at Boulder Orthopedic, Lori (also a physical therapist there), informed me that my knee had full range of motion. I was doing everything an uninjured person would be able to do. She didn't say anything about building up strength because I was doing everything she put in front of me. I knew what felt different, tight, soar, wabbly, or a little weaker on one side but it didn't matter. I WAS DOING IT!!

Lori just kept pushing me and pushing me in a gentle, fluid sort of way. Before I knew it she said, "You're doing the most advanced Pilates moves."And it was no joke. I was balanced, poised, strong, amazing myself and giggling. I felt like a ballerina (who are also amazing!). None of it was planned; I just asked Lori to gauge where she thought I was at and introduce some new things. The experience was SO COOL!!! It made me want to go to a class and rock Pilates in front of people who had been doing it for 6 months or 6 years! If I can do it one on one I can do it. Period.

A week ago Wednesday (April 11th) I sat cross-legged for the first time. I casually sat down on the floor in my office as I was re-organizing (and my desktop computer happened to be on the floor!). I went easily into a cross-legged position. No torque on the knee, no funky juxtapostion. Just did it. Unconsciously. I began to cry. What a relief. What a moment. I couldn't believe it, but I could. I was so pleased. Aside from the hard work and pain I've gone through to get where I am, I attribute this latest success and milestone to some myofascial release work (a.k.a. Rolfing) that I had done with Nancy... (last name to come). She was a referral from my physical therapist April Smith. I had seen Nancy for the second time the Friday before (April 6th), where she intentionally worked on my hip and IT band for 75 MINTUES. It was INTENSE and amazing. And the results were so worth the trip! During that session, Nancy also palpated my scar for at least 10 minutes (felt like longer). It began to itch like nobody's business; like severe poison oak or ivy. Nancy replied, "Itching is a sign of healing!" And I said, "Well then, it's all better now! Holy shit, stop massaging and start scratching!!" Sighs of relief on many levels. Tomorrow I have another session with Nancy, making it 3 75-minute sessions in 5 weeks. I can't wait to tell her (SHOW HER!) the good news and I look forward to more progress and release - both physical and emotional. The body stores so much and releases so much too. It's so been worth it. Given financial constraints, I'll probably go to once per month or per six weeks for a little while now.

The financial piece has really been hard. Money has such an emotional and psychological connection to one's life. It has taken some deep discussions and figuring out and tangential fits to establish what is okay to spend money on and what is not. When it comes to health care and well being though, there really is no question of it being worth the investment. I figure, even if it has to go on a credit card and I feel it's in my best interest in the healing process, then stop worrying and just do it!! Fortunately, I have an amazing partner, Alon, who also sees my health and well-being as #1 (along with his own) and we can talk it out and manage our finances to adjust to the rising costs of health care in the last 7 months or so. We really are fortunate in so many ways. Alon continues to be nothing short of the most amazing person in my life (RIGHT AFTER YOU, MOM & DAD!). I'll never take him for granted. Ever. (I love him so much!!) Just like I'll never take for granted the ability to walk again.

I felt stupid yesterday when I had to stand up to stretch and said, "I can't walk. My legs are dead." I had worked out incredibly hard the day before doing about 1/2 hour of lunges and squats and plyometrics. My quads for all intents and purposes were completely exhausted and hurting. However, when I said "I can't walk" I felt like a complete asshole. OF COURSE I CAN WALK! I retracted my statement and said HOW GRATEFUL I WAS TO HAVE SOAR LEG MUSCLES. To get up and walk away from the conference table without hesitation, really. To know that I was soar from pushing my body to its limits the day before was another wakeful moment. 

Every day I cross the cross walk, or try to jog (haphazardly) to catch the bus, or simply step into the cages on my bike pedals to propel myself to the next destination I take a deep breath and acknowledge this amazing sense of gratitude for my body, for my health, for life's possibilities, for all the support I've had, the partnerships I've forged during my healing process, and all the challenges I've overcome and have yet to overcome. I really try to tell myself, if I feel rushed, that there is no need to rush. Be grateful for this moment. It is an important reminder! This has been an amazing journey.

Bike Snob

So you know how two Saturdays ago I jacked my knee doing those ballerina leaps over a Bosu? Well, it's been a week and half... I'm still struggling to bounce back. Been going low key on workouts and what not since, unable to walk normally at the end of the day, feels like I was set back a month, but not really I hope. 

Last Saturday, St. Patrick's Day, our beloved housemate and resident musician, Jon Sousa, and his musical partner Adam Agee performed a free two-hour gig at Innisfree Poetry Bookstore & Cafe up on THE HILL (CU Boulder dominion). The musical expereince was so peaceful yet spirited and fun. It moved mountains within me. I will tell you that the owner, Brian, is a second generation Irishman who rooted himself in Boston, Massachusetts (woot woot). I was in so much pain coupled with frustration of varying elements going into all of this; I wasn't sure if I'd make it. Thwarted by pain, and not having a bike to ride in this balmy spring weather, and not being able to wear flip flops (and therefore sundresses like the rest of the world that day). It is a serious fashion faux pas to wear running shoes and sun dresses in my opinion, unless of course you're a righteous walker in NYC. I was glad that I got over myself (somewhat) and went to see Jon and Adam with Alon.

Adam and Jon at Innisfree

I digress. Point is, I really let go of everything bothering me, whatever was pinning me down, making me squirm and my skin crawl, and not allowing me to feel the love that is always around and within me. Jon and Adam's music put me in an extraordinarily good mood. A smile brimmed from ear to ear. Prior to this, I'll have you know I took a sweet ration of Oxycodone with Tylenol in order to mask the unbearable and face the world that day, because believe me, it would've been worse to take it and stay home commiserating alone. We are all relieved this was the last of my oxycodone which I'd been saving up for a moment like this since December. Goal achieved, moving on. The meds worked and about half way into the gig I was blissful, content, and rather stoned. I was opening up again to the love conveyed through music. Jon and Adam really were great and the audience was mellow and sweet. In complete contrast, I bet, to the Denver bar scene Jon and Adam were going to walk into later that night.

After the gig, Alon and I popped into Full Cycle (next door to Innisfree) where I test rode a couple bikes (hitting a dozen or so test rides in the last couple of weeks) ...and was rather captivated by Felt's Verza City 2 (which, if you read my last blog you'll know is the one I purchased). A sexy, full-figured, sparkly bronze commuter lady properly fitted with fenders, a rack, and disc brakes. THIS commuter cyclist's dream (minus $1000 *wink wink*). Took a five minute spin, enough to get a intuitive feel. Then Alon and I ate at The Sink where I reviewed some bike catalogs handed over by William at Full Cycle and enjoyed a delicious black bean burger. A cold, homemade lemonade swallowed the day into a sweet, bright, refreshing dream state.

Today! Today I went into the Boulder Bookstore and like a pleasant breeze was guided gently to the novel "The Enlightened Cyclist" by Eben Weiss (blogger of bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com). I've been entertaining myself with Eben's writing and antics online for about a year now. Low and behold, the man Himself is doing an author event at BBS this Sunday. I will be attending. Will you join me? I purchased this new book of his which I will start immediately upon typing the last period of this post.

My new, full-figured, sexy lass of a bike.

No News is Good News

... so here's the news:

Last Saturday I learned about two of my temporary limitations. Jumping and fast lateral movement.

In my new favorite group exercise class, Butts and Guts!, we had a kick ass 25 minute routine last Saturday. Part of this routine included jumping up in the air and bending down to squat and touch the floor. About 24 times. I remember doing these in basketball practice in high school. My first thought when I did this Saturday turned out to the be right one. You shouldn't be jumping. Nothing happened immediately. I modified to smaller, less frequent jumps. Still... bad idea as it turns out.

Another part of the class routine included a Bosu ball workout. I've grown to love and admire the Bosu for it's ability to provide continuous challenges and rewards. Staring at it like it knows it just made my life harder for the better. Smirking at it as I contemplate the positioning, balance, and agility I need to master it.

Saturday in "Butts & Guts!" we were literally leaping like ballerinas laterally over the Bosu to land one leg on the soft inflated part and one leg on the floor, and sitting back into a squat. BAD IDEA. What fun it seemed like at first... and then, that little voice. Side to side leaps over a half ball followed by one legged squats? Probably not there yet. Slow down, girl.

Well, yes, I continued... modified and slow, but still pushing the limits... wondering what my body will say to me later.

Here it is Thursday... six days later... and this week has been somewhat hellish for the ole left leg. I've had to scale back my workouts and walk a bit gimpy. Sharp pains through the inside of my knee. Soarness and stiffness from hip to toes. Rubbing the massive knot in my upper calf (probably from landing on my toes continuously instead of flat footed) and standing up to stretch during meetings more often. I've taken a few thousand milligrams of Tylenol and ibuprofen over the course of the week and today, reported all this to my physical therapist.

She told me exactly what I had learned, "You're just not there yet, but you will be!". We practiced some "jumping" and "running" simulation exercises using about 60-70% of my body weight. That was encouraging. We used the Total Gym for the running and a 2 inch high box platform for the jumping. This all felt pretty fine which was good. Although walking is not so easy tonight. I feel like I just don't want to move my leg at all, or else, pain. Fortunately, this is not the kind of pain that wakes me up at night. 

For all intents and purposes, I am doing great! The last two weeks or so I have observed marked (albeit small) increases in mobility, flexibility, feeling "light" and relaxed muscles. I'm walking A LOT and I'm much better at stairs (no awkward thumping). I also had my first REAL bike ride out on the open road yesterday! I rented a chill little step through cruiser-type bike by GIANT from Full Cycle and peddled my way to the gym. I even rode through the corner where I was in my accident. It was at least 70 degrees and sunny and that's all I really cared about. I was in complete bliss... peddling... warm... and free. I want to do this all day, every day. The weather has been so perfect for it. Another temporary physical limitation observed on the bike ride: standing and peddling... um, not so much. Hence, the term "cruiser". I am excited to continue to watch my progress, find balance in my every day experiences, and focus on more good times ahead.

My body is my temple

Quite a few people have asked me lately, "has this injury been a spiritual experience for you?" It's a really difficult question to answer. I think I can see where people are coming from though: has my experience affected me in some profound way? What is meant by "spirituality" anyways? I think it has changed almost constantly throughout my lifetime. In a good way. In a way that allows me to learn something new, see things in a new way, and not get stuck in a specific dogma that excludes all others. 

While blogging, I've shared with you the glimpses and glimmers of spirituality as it is often woven throughout my experience (and all of ours, if that's how we chose to see the world).

Today, while silently thinking about people's inquiry around spirituality and developing my own... I thought, "what is my spirituality to me right now?" At times I have been more focused on the intellectualizing of spirituality and religion, more devoted to my meditation practice, and more open and aware of the spiritual teachings of others. 

For the past 6 months I have been so enveloped by my recovery, physical training, emotional well-being, and relationships with my loved ones that my focus on spirituality has in a sense become less, I thought. When in fact I don't think it's become less. I think it has shifted even more from an external experience to an internal one. 

During this time I have never been so dedicated to my self. At the same time, my gratitude has never felt more abundant. I have never had to open myself up so much to receiving help and love from others. I have never been faced so directly with the challenge of self-acceptance and harnessing will power to overcome great personal adversity.

So anyways, as I sat kind of glazed over on a stationary bike at the gym staring out into a bright, sunshiney day I asked myself about spirituality - have I drifted away from it? What has changed for me? What is my spirituality now? 

An answer billowed inside of me:

"My body is my temple." 

Yes! This made perfect sense to me! To me, it meant that all the while this divine presence, the spiritual teachings I sought or thought that I might be missing were always within me and within my own experience as a physical being of this earth. This is great, I thought! Keep going! Ride this wave.

I didn't just hear the words my body is a temple or hear someone nearby say it (cuz lets face it, it's not the most original phrase, especially here in the yogi capital of the world: Boulder). I really felt my body as a sacred temple - as a place to experience my "awakening" of sorts. This body of mine is a place to cherish, to nourish, to take care of, to believe in, to accept, to love, to protect, to give of freely, and to be amazed by! 

Deep in my bones and in my muscles with each revolution on the bicycle the words echoed in my mind and resounded in my heart. It was reaffirming to know and deeply feel that my dedication to myself is not fleeting and it is so important. This is a forever commitment to myself. Who knew I would be woken up in this way by this injury and recovery process? 

This body of mine, this thing so easily taken for granted, so under appreciated at times, so neglected in the past... is not only what takes me on my spiritual path but it IS my path toward awakening, toward understanding, toward gratitude, and toward cultivating more love and acceptance of myself and in turn, of others.

Surgeon's Update

I had my last official post-op appointment with Dr. Fulkerson on Friday, January 27th. She said my next appointment would be in six months! The short of it is that I cannot stop working as hard as I have been in rehab, that I should not leave physical therapy too early or else I risk compromising my progress, and that I am still expected to make a 100% come back (within two years of the date of the injury: August 26, 2011).

I need to push harder on my own knee to force the bending to happen. Doc suggested I do this by attempting to sit back on my heels while seated. This is not fun and does cause pain due to stiffness (scar tissue). I can see it's going to take quite a bit of time, concentration, and effort on my part. 

Dr. Fulkerson "tested" my ACL (using her hands and some maneuvering of my knee) and determined that it too feels stable. The attachment point where the ACL is affixed to the bone broke off during the accident. It apparently reattached and regrew in a very satisfactory way! We do not foresee a surgery for ACL repair. Thank goodness!

Come August 2012 we expect that I will be physically ready (far enough along in rehab) to have the hardware removed. Good bye steel plate and screws. If it were to remain in for longer, that would technically not impede my recovery. It would still be very nice not to have that bulging plate on my shin!