My Truth in this Moment

I have at least four journal/blog entries that I have been wanting to make, but have not made the time for it. Interesting, first off, my sense of "make" having to do initially with creating some writing and then with creating some time. I don't actually feel like I'm creating writing or a story here... I just feel like I'm channeling my soul into words. There is no forced, masculine energy in this creation of my blog. That is a beautiful thing to me! Making and creating screams feminine, which is something I am trying to get more in touch with, too. Also, I am coming to terms with my sense of time here, and on some days, in my mind and in real life I would like it all to be just a bit more fluid... like the river over the stones... get rid of the idea that there is a set quantity of time at a set cost, and replace it with the notion that time is ever abundant and infinite, and when it feels depleted or empty (like a dry river bed), there is abundance of another kind there and somewhere else the river runs strong.

Anyways, those beginnings of electronic journal entries, posts we call them - standing erect as if to capture a moment in time like a fence post demarcates precious land or contains a herd of would-be wild animals. The post is a milestone in the expansive, undetermined time of my life. Those posts sit in the "drafts" pile of this blog. Unfinished, per say. I'm not working on them here today. I'm going to tell you what's up right now. What is my truth in this moment. Just like I've been doing.

Over the past year, writing has once again become an important part of my process, lifestyle, way of being. If I feel like I have to go back and finish something, that pressure feels off-putting, and so I've given myself permission to let it go. Important Rule #1 for me. I am very glad and at-home with this. Writing feels good, cleansing, supportive. Not only am I blogging but I'm also keeping a journal. All this feels great except I wish I could hit "UPLOAD" in my journal when I want to "cross-post" something into cyber world. Yes, I'm sure there is some fancy solution for this, but I'm not looking for a solution. Actual writing with a pen and paper is a completely different experience than typing up a blog post and plastering it all over the internet. Most anyone would agree (nod your head now as you count the number of electronic devices in your immediate vicinity and ask yourself, when is the next time I'm going to write someone a letter instead of an email?).

So, instead of completing those drafts and writing about what has happened, I'm going to write about what is up right now. That's how this blog and my writing is intended to be. A "yes, I'm doing it now" kind of thing. By staying current and in the moment, I am my most truthful. We all are. And that's what I want to give to myself and to you. My truth. My most divine, one might say. Let's start right there. My definition of divine is about an impermanent, fluid, multifaceted experience captured in the now moment that is so exquisite and so raw and truthful, the experience is beyond words. We relate to it, we interact with it. We can never lie to it and it never lies to us. That's truth. That's divine. I think Webster's and Oxford are calling me right now to see if they can copyright that definition. Pretty good for on the whim thinking. Anyways!

The value of capturing my direct experience... my divinity... my truth... into words... to share with you all... is a sparkling, aeronautical experience. Aeronautical means (according to a quick, irrefutable Google search) "navigation of the air". I like that - it fits for this girl's philosophical purpose just as well as a scientific one, in my opinion. I'm navigating the air with you. Even if we're 1000s of miles away. Capturing my experience and sharing it with you is an opportunity to take all that shines, crashes, collides, conforms, floats, sinks, dims, dilutes, disseminates, evolves, and devolves within me and pour it out - as a sweet nectar - into the world. This feeds you like it feeds me. It nourishes the deficiencies, whatever they may be, conscious or unconscious. Into this container, this blog, that I have created for myself, we hang out and receive this nectar of OUR experience TOGETHER. By default, it is not just my experience or my container or my blog any more. It is all of ours. To sip, share, soak up, relate to, interpret, dispel, or let transform you/US.

Dang, am I getting philosophical or what? Is philosophical even the right word? I think that word is probably one of those words that is constantly overused and used in the wrong way. And I admit, I am probably guilty of that now. Oh well. What is in this herbal summer time "solstice tea" that Innisfree Cafe served up to me today? I'm feeling infused with poetic jargon. Somebody! Gimme a beat box. Many poets sit in this cafe, truly from all over the world, and speak their truth, write about their truth. Innisfree was started by a second generation Irish immigrant from Boston. Boston-represent! Anyways, that is a little bit more of the context of this moment - my truth - that I am sharing with you as I stare out at the corner of 13th and Pennylvania Avenue in Boulder, CO. PS It's 102 degrees in this coffee shop right now. A little glistening sweat sweeps across my skin. No joke. Some of this experience gets shared and some stays internal, as my experience only. That's only natural. All these poets of past are running through me perhaps. Perhaps not. That sounds crazy. Today, we share. I share and give to you as much of my truth as possible. I receive the feelings of flight, power, peace, joy, and contentment. The "truth is beauty and beauty is truth" line comes to mind right now. Savor that for a minute.

Sharing my experience with you is uplifting, freeing, and powerful. When I hit "publish" at the end of all this, I feel like I've given flight to so many things - whether it's happiness or suffering or silliness or judgment or confusion or anger. It's off with it's own voice, weight, meaning as I let it go and you take it in. It's me and it's all the people in my life and places I've seen and things I've done. Swooping right off this page and into the air! (or internet!) The remarks I hear from you validates that but so does my immediate, internal feeling along with the whole process itself. In all actuality, we don't need each other to validate our own feelings. We think we do. We only need to know that how we are showing up is our deepest, purest truth. That's something I'm telling myself more and more these days. Take it for what it is. I'm not trying to preach, people, just sharing. 

In the past, I've just wanted it - validation - I grew accustomed to receiving it - for good and for bad. Conscious or unconscious. And with that seeking of validation comes invalidation, naturally. What happens when compassion is mixed with invalidation? When someone says, that's great, you're awesome, now change. What's up with that? When judgment or conditions smack validation in the ass as it walks out the door? That feels confusing and crappy and disrespectful. I know these feelings. We all do, right? What happens when we take all that in? Is it the truth or just someone's judgment of us? Is it their self-judgment being projected? Whatever it is, it's what I call: YUCKS. And you should always questions something that makes you feel even the slightest bit yucks! That's my advice.

In the past weeks since my head-shaving fiesta, I have truly begun to embody my truth as a way of self-validating. By speaking, doing, living, seeing, hearing, breathing, eating, going to bed with, and waking up to my truth every day I am validating my experience. I am saying yes to myself; my experience is real and I accept it. I accept me. By recognizing and honoring my judgments and speaking passionately, I am living my truth instead of hiding it. I'm still working on this piece. Of course, I'm not going to go all crazy on someone. That's not what I am saying. I'm just referencing a gentle acceptance and acknowledgment of what is coming up for me in any moment, and sharing it respectfully, to the extent possible. This is especially important for me in a moment where I can witness myself denying myself. Check it out in yourself, see how often it happens, if at all. Self-denial, non-acceptance. 

Once this or all that ABOVE part that I just wrote about becomes less conscious work, my accepting of myself will become much more deeply rooted. That is what I believe. Till then, I am in this very conscious effort phase of self-acceptance, truth-speaking/living, deepening into my experience. My life will be that much more beautiful, rich, and divine! And by default, so will yours!! How about that?! Luck you. That power and acceptance are the parts beyond words. You have to do it - emanate your truth, honor yourself in ALL that you do, work with yourself and others in this way - in order to truly feel that power. That's not advice, that's truth. 

I recently said to someone that right now I am seriously filtering external stimulus, challenges, and engagements - be it a social gathering or going back to school or changing career paths or traveling. Essentially, I shared with her how I am really getting in touch with the infinite depth of knowledge and wisdom and experience that lies within me. The University of Life is within me! As corny as that sounds. I truly do not need to cover it up, complicate it, or dilute it with external experiences. I just need to tap into it. There are so many angles at which to view things, movable walls, cloud ceilings, trap doors, and hidden treasures all within my reach. This going deep within, is just an invitation to explore, to adventure, ask questions, and wonder about myself, this experience, and how I relate to the world. 

We could look at 100 reasons for why I am taking this invitation right now. I cycle through this kind of "inwardness" in my life. Don't we all? Fortunately, right now I am happy and able to stay in relationship with Alon while going through this process. Admittedly, it can be difficult to be in partnership when you're experiencing inner growth, development, and change. But this time it is not hard. Alon is just a fantastic person to have in my life, and I love him to pieces! What's a blog post without a plug for my partner!? Other times in my life, other partners, other situations have demanded a reverse response - to withdraw, back out, or move permanently. 

I know that this inner exploration, this filtering of stimulus, and taking control over what I can change and do with my life is a result of my accident last August. That was a time when I was forced to be still, to contemplate, to deal with the immediacy, to survive, to have no choice in that moment of impact. At that moment of impact, I was telling myself - this is not real, I do not accept this. I was invalidating my own experience. At other moments, I completely accepted my experience - screaming, yelling, crying. It was a mixed trauma response. Now I am embracing the abundance of choice, the feeling of living, to be still or to move, to listen to what my body/mind needs and wants and to support it, acknowledge me with compassion and acceptance. It really is beautiful.

I'll wrap this up with a quote by an ordinary man, on an ordinary day that struck me as extraordinary:

"[Be, speak, know] A truth so confident, it need not be defended."

A YES! Moment!

                         

This past Monday I completed an amazing Rite of Passage ceremony, surrounded by 11 amazing friends (12 of us altogether, a very symbolic number of its own - which was not intended), all of whom I consider an extension of my biological family. The ceremony resulted in the shaving of all of my hair, which will be donated to Locks of Love. The process involved deeper acts of (self) love and (self) acceptance, raw truth, trust, feelings of support and unity, letting go of past and stepping into a new me and a new beginning. 

The twelve of us gathered to support me in this significant step on my path. We had a beautiful, symbolic ceremony starting with a sacred circle where I created an alter honoring myself in the Four Directions, smudging, and Stating of Intentions.

The Four Directions read by Sarah, Mary, Jon, and Helen. Added to this were the Three Directions (Mother Earth, Father Sky, and Spirit) which were acknowledged by Candice, Alon, Megan & me):

SOUTH  - Fire - PassionGrowth in the South it is the time of Summer. From  the bloom we transform into the fruit of the labors.  It is the time of mid-day, the hottest part of the day, the part when the sun is overhead and no shadows are cast.. Maturing and growing into an adult to be that who was are. It is the time to accept the change and learn, to understand. Red is for fire, passion, time of fertility. The South is the place of passion in all things, sex, fertility, mating - the fires that burn within. The direction of fire, like the phoenix  we can rise from the flames, we take and rise again from childhood into being an adult in the direction of the South. Animals The animals in the South represent pride, strength and courage.  The eagle with keen sight and strong wings. The lion for the strength and courage to speak out and roar. The wolf so proud to be a team member of a pride.

EAST   - Air - Flight Beginings starts in the east - from where the sun rises we begin a new dawn. Each day is a good new day with a fresh beginning, a new start.  East is the direction of the physical body and newness including children and new borns. It is the time of change for all is a new beginning. New ideas and seeing the light. Change. Spring is the season when all things begin to grow and awaken. Yellow is the path of Life, to begin the walk as a warrior, to shine in all that you do. The sun rising in the east empowers each of us. The energy to do and to begin the action of the mind and heart is there. Animals Animals of wings and flight include hummingbird, the owl, and the hawk. Our words are given to the east that the smoke in the air or the voices in the air may be carried to Spirit.

WEST  ( Blue)   Water - Emotions Later adulthood the time of Fall, the time of the setting sun - twilight. The daylight fades and brings a new awareness in this time of gradual change. When the darkness comes we must look inward to find the light and have courage. To understand what we see in the darkness may not be real but only shadows.This is the emotional part of ourselves, like the flowing water we must learn to go with the flow of life. The time of the West is when we learn that we are responsible to all things and to each other.  It is the time to prepare, to finish things for the time of Winter is coming. We gather ourselves and family, working together to prepare for what is to come.   As the place of emotions it is the place of family and love - of responsibility from our hearts because of the love. It is hard work and team efforts. Black symbolizes change from this life. Animals The Beaver shows us of the team work and pre-paredness needed for the winter coming. The snake reminds us to shed our skin to grow and change.

NORTH  (Green)   Earth - WisdomAs we get older our hair turn white, as we come to our time of winter. White (and purple) also symbolize spirituality.  With experience and age we gain wisdom. Now we have time to rest and contemplate the lessons. North is purity and wisdom, a great place of healing.  This is the time after midnight, a dream time. The time to be grounded within yourself and deep within, like a bear in a cave. North is the place of winter. This reminds us to stop and listen. That we must have prepared for the long time of winter. Having been in action the other seasons we now rest and contemplate to understand the wisdom we have been given. Animals The white buffalo, Moose and Bear. Each prepared and have a layer of fat to sustain them through the winter. They are also the primary source of meat during the winter time for people. They rest and take things slow, not wasting energy, and with the understanding of what winter brings.

My Welcome & Stating of Intentions:

 "With my dear loved ones and friends present I am so grateful and joyful, and feel very supported. Alon, Candice, Mary, Sarah, Megan, Mike, Jon, Helen, Robert, Wynn, and Morgan. We are here today out of friendship and compassion. You are also here to be my witness as I acknowledge all of my self, my fears and pain and happiness, and practice an act of self-love and self-acceptance.Today is a rite of passage for me. Today I pass over a threshold of oldness and into the NEW!

"Your YES to being with me today during this head shaving ceremony is truly a reflection of the YES in me. I am saying yes to the past while simultaneously letting it go. I am saying yes to the present, to accepting where I am in my life on this very day. I am saying yes to the future, and all it's beautiful gifts, mystery, and love that it holds for each of us.

"Today I embrace the strength and courage of the lion. The lightness and freedom of the hummingbird as it takes flight. The transformation of the snake shedding its skin. And the patience and understanding of the great bear! Together, with the spirit of all our brothers, sisters, mother, fathers, great grand mothers, and great grand fathers, we are all united in the flow of nature and this great life!"

We had a final hair washing where friends took turns holding my head, pouring water, shampooing, conditioning, then combing. We washed away the past while honoring all of it's beauty and gifts it had given me. We danced the Five Rhythms, led by my dear sister-friend Candice, to let my hair dry out. At the end of the dance, everyone took a "shape" that was offered to me as a gift of love and support. It was so amazing and powerful! I cried and received it all openly and joyfully. 

The Five Rhythms symbolize the five developmental stages of life:

• FLOWING – infancy, in utero, the fluid, continuous, grounded glide of our own movements
• STACCATO – toddlers, childhood, the "NO" stage, the percussive, pulsing beat that shapes us a thousand different ways
• CHAOS – adolescence, puberty, the rhythm of letting go, releasing into the catalytic wildness of our dance that can never be planned or repeated
• LYRICAL – adulthood, courageous, truth speaking, the rhythm of trance, where the weight of self-consciousness dissolves, where we lighten up and disappear into our own uniqueness
• STILLNESS – elderhood, reflection, wisdom, the quiet emptiness, where gentle movements rise and fall, start and end, in a field of silence

When it came to the hair cutting, I chopped the first pony tail, then Alon, and my Mary and Candice did the rest. I asked each person to come and cut a lock of hair from the tosseled bit that was left. I read something that I was letting go of (from the vessels we created at the Heroine's Journey retreat)... and they stated something they were letting go; usually it resonated with whatever I stated - giving such power and flight to my words and our process! Then they snipped, and offered me a blessing. Adding the clipping to the vessel, wrapping the whole thing in white tissue paper, and smashing it with a rock on the hearth of our outdoor fireplace, then BURNING it! What fun! What freedom! What power! ;-) Everyone took turns "buzzing" my head at the ceremony. Periodically, a mirror was held up so I could watch the process unfold.

When the hair washing began, as I laid back in a comfy chair, I saw a majestic hawk circling and swooping, gliding effortlessly overhead against the sapphire blue sky. I heard it's resounding call! It was the first thing I heard and saw as I first looked up. In Susannah's words (random yet reliable source), the HAWK symbolizes the following:

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

We ate food and relaxed afterwards. Later in the evening, Alon shaved my head down to the skin. That was probably the most "awakening" moment for me and I loved it all! When I looked in the mirror that last time, I shrieked and squealed and screamed in disbelief, until I could finally gaze fully into my eyes and state, "I love you and accept all of you." Feelings were beyond words. And Alon, my partner, my beloved, was there to witness and guide me throughout it, diligently and patiently shaving my head to the last hair. He embraced me lovingly and kissed that bald head of mine!

That is the gist of the ceremony we had. In the days and week or so prior I journalled like crazy about this impending event. I talked through the fears, the beliefs, the pain with Alon and other dear friends and family. And the night before my head-shaving I woke up a 5am, just out of my dream state where I had witnessed all of the fear, chaos, sadness, and confusion within me and greeted it with loving acceptance and humor! There was so much light and white in my dream. At that moment, even though I was scared and sad, I knew I had fully integrated my decision, and was ready to cross the threshold into the NEW!

My dear friend, Wynn, documented the ceremony, since he is a professional photographer, so I hope there will be some inspiring, amazing photos to reflect back on and share with you all. I surely have some amazing memories and feelings that are with me always! 

I want to thank Victoria FittsMilgrim and the amazing women (Lynn, Christine, Heather, and Alice) at the The Heroine's Journey retreat on May 18th and 19th. You were afterall a wonderful catalyst for this amazing YES moment and my deeper found ability and willingness to fully embrace and accept me! I also need to acknowledge the last "YES!" post I had on this blog, which was my very first one on August 26, 2011... in a big way I feel I have come full circle since that pivotal day in my life.

Watch out Forrest Gump...

 Forrest Gump embarks upon a new path in his life: running... deepening his understanding and connection to himself and his place on Earth..

I'm running! Once last Tuesday and once yesterday, I jumped on the treadmill at the gym for 30 seconds of jogging with 1 minute intervals of walking for a total of 8 minutes. I was excited! I cried after the first attempt last week. And I shouted "woohoo!" yesterday, then looking around like "who was that?". I just couldn't contain my excitement. 

I've been cleared to introduce running into my workouts like this for about 4 weeks and just hadn't felt ready until now. I was either too tired or just mentally not feeling it or was more excited to do other workouts. It was important to me that I wait and truly feel excited and ready to start running. The wait was worth it!

Mostly, my reaction was bliss. I truly felt like my form was the best it had ever been. And I know very little about proper running form. I just felt so solid; not a whisper of a limp and didn't miss a beat. I felt more like a runner than I'd ever felt before in my life and got a brief glimpse of why some people love it so much. The body feels like a strong, capable, working machine! What a change in perspective! I was fully accepting of my new ability and fairly shocked by it. I was relieved and proud of myself for getting to this point. In a very small way, I wanted to run more than those 5-30 seconds intervals, and knew I should not and had to stop myself from pushing it too hard (which would have caused problems). The physical sensation was never pain, but a warm tingling sensation around the area of the plate and shin, which felt a little weird but okay. I imagined that to be just blood rushing into the area with increased circulation. 

To curb some of the anticipated pain and soreness after running I am icing my knee 2-3 times per day for 20 minutes for the 48 hours following, and also putting on some topical analgesic and arnica, as well as taking 250mg of ibuprofen 2 times per day to help with the anticipated swelling. I did add 1 or 2 doses of 250mg Tylenol the day after. I felt a little bit of a sharp or tight sensation along the lateral side of my knee, very localized, at a ligament that passes near the connection point of the fibula. Based on my personal experience, my relationship with my body, with pain, and with my physical therapist I know this sensation not to be a danger or warning sign of re-injury. I was right. The sensation dissipated after a couple days and did not inhibit my other activities at all. I did Pilates and another workout over the next few days following last week's initial running.

Through this particular experience I feel I have deepened my knowledge, wisdom, and sense of trust about myself and my body. The awareness and truth that was revealed to me felt like a "leveling up" with a deep sense of peace and joyfulness! Overall, the experience was very empowering and beautiful. I felt beautiful.

FYI:

8 More Degrees to Feeling Normal

Measured my degrees of flexion yesterday at PT and I am bending my left leg to 143 degrees! That means I can almost touch my heel to my glute! This feels more like stretching should feel, and I feel less inhibited by pain and discomfort like it had been.  My therapist warns me not to stretch it too far; that 135 degrees is normal and my ligaments and joints lean towards being loose and over-flexible; I need to keep things stable and strong in that region. In other words, I'm probably right where I should be.

I'm still working some gentle plyometrics into my routine along with hiking, which are both a real mark of progress to me at this point in my recovery. For plyo I'm using one of those aerobic platforms and doing toe taps, and side steps over the top (no spins yet), for about 10-15 minutes. My knee joint is very sore for a few days after either one of those activities. The "doing" part is not painful - it's empowering, liberating, and just feel really good. I can't remember if I wore the IT support band during my plyo routine or not last Saturday, but I need to do that in hopes that it reduces the soreness afterwards. 

I'll probably starting "running" in the next couple of weeks. This means getting on a treadmill and jogging slowly for about 30 seconds, then walking for a minute. Do a few sets of that and then I'm done. Keep doing that for about a month, and continue increasing the running interval time and decreasing the walking interval time. Building this up to a solid 5 minute jog will probably take another 3-6 months. The idea is to still be able to walk and function normally at the end of the day. A little soreness is fine, but I have to be able to go up and down stairs at the end of the day without too much sacrifice.

Pilates has a brilliant way of showing me my strengths and weaknesses. As I progress out of PT (which includes 30 minutes of Pilates right now), I am looking at doing a once a week group Pilates reformer class for $25 at The Pilates Center in Boulder. They also do a FREE mat class on Thursday nights, so that's what I'm going to check out tonight.

Oh! Much to my warm-weather delight, I am able to wear flip flops and other "flimsy" shoes for about a hour or two every few days without repercussion. I still mostly rock the big white tennis shoes with every outfit but this is also a mark of strength and progress... and vanity!


Thanks for reading up on my life... :-) Hope you all are doing great, too! Someday I will write about something different.

237 days and counting...

What is like to recover from a major injury?

I am still on the path to FULL RECOVERY but I can confidently say I AM NO LONGER INJURED. I had a test today in Pilates. Some of you might think this is lame, if so, that's only because you are ignorant. Go take a Pilates Reformer class and you'll see. My one on one Pilates Reformer/Physical Therapy session was amazing. My Pilates instructor at Boulder Orthopedic, Lori (also a physical therapist there), informed me that my knee had full range of motion. I was doing everything an uninjured person would be able to do. She didn't say anything about building up strength because I was doing everything she put in front of me. I knew what felt different, tight, soar, wabbly, or a little weaker on one side but it didn't matter. I WAS DOING IT!!

Lori just kept pushing me and pushing me in a gentle, fluid sort of way. Before I knew it she said, "You're doing the most advanced Pilates moves."And it was no joke. I was balanced, poised, strong, amazing myself and giggling. I felt like a ballerina (who are also amazing!). None of it was planned; I just asked Lori to gauge where she thought I was at and introduce some new things. The experience was SO COOL!!! It made me want to go to a class and rock Pilates in front of people who had been doing it for 6 months or 6 years! If I can do it one on one I can do it. Period.

A week ago Wednesday (April 11th) I sat cross-legged for the first time. I casually sat down on the floor in my office as I was re-organizing (and my desktop computer happened to be on the floor!). I went easily into a cross-legged position. No torque on the knee, no funky juxtapostion. Just did it. Unconsciously. I began to cry. What a relief. What a moment. I couldn't believe it, but I could. I was so pleased. Aside from the hard work and pain I've gone through to get where I am, I attribute this latest success and milestone to some myofascial release work (a.k.a. Rolfing) that I had done with Nancy... (last name to come). She was a referral from my physical therapist April Smith. I had seen Nancy for the second time the Friday before (April 6th), where she intentionally worked on my hip and IT band for 75 MINTUES. It was INTENSE and amazing. And the results were so worth the trip! During that session, Nancy also palpated my scar for at least 10 minutes (felt like longer). It began to itch like nobody's business; like severe poison oak or ivy. Nancy replied, "Itching is a sign of healing!" And I said, "Well then, it's all better now! Holy shit, stop massaging and start scratching!!" Sighs of relief on many levels. Tomorrow I have another session with Nancy, making it 3 75-minute sessions in 5 weeks. I can't wait to tell her (SHOW HER!) the good news and I look forward to more progress and release - both physical and emotional. The body stores so much and releases so much too. It's so been worth it. Given financial constraints, I'll probably go to once per month or per six weeks for a little while now.

The financial piece has really been hard. Money has such an emotional and psychological connection to one's life. It has taken some deep discussions and figuring out and tangential fits to establish what is okay to spend money on and what is not. When it comes to health care and well being though, there really is no question of it being worth the investment. I figure, even if it has to go on a credit card and I feel it's in my best interest in the healing process, then stop worrying and just do it!! Fortunately, I have an amazing partner, Alon, who also sees my health and well-being as #1 (along with his own) and we can talk it out and manage our finances to adjust to the rising costs of health care in the last 7 months or so. We really are fortunate in so many ways. Alon continues to be nothing short of the most amazing person in my life (RIGHT AFTER YOU, MOM & DAD!). I'll never take him for granted. Ever. (I love him so much!!) Just like I'll never take for granted the ability to walk again.

I felt stupid yesterday when I had to stand up to stretch and said, "I can't walk. My legs are dead." I had worked out incredibly hard the day before doing about 1/2 hour of lunges and squats and plyometrics. My quads for all intents and purposes were completely exhausted and hurting. However, when I said "I can't walk" I felt like a complete asshole. OF COURSE I CAN WALK! I retracted my statement and said HOW GRATEFUL I WAS TO HAVE SOAR LEG MUSCLES. To get up and walk away from the conference table without hesitation, really. To know that I was soar from pushing my body to its limits the day before was another wakeful moment. 

Every day I cross the cross walk, or try to jog (haphazardly) to catch the bus, or simply step into the cages on my bike pedals to propel myself to the next destination I take a deep breath and acknowledge this amazing sense of gratitude for my body, for my health, for life's possibilities, for all the support I've had, the partnerships I've forged during my healing process, and all the challenges I've overcome and have yet to overcome. I really try to tell myself, if I feel rushed, that there is no need to rush. Be grateful for this moment. It is an important reminder! This has been an amazing journey.

Bike Snob

So you know how two Saturdays ago I jacked my knee doing those ballerina leaps over a Bosu? Well, it's been a week and half... I'm still struggling to bounce back. Been going low key on workouts and what not since, unable to walk normally at the end of the day, feels like I was set back a month, but not really I hope. 

Last Saturday, St. Patrick's Day, our beloved housemate and resident musician, Jon Sousa, and his musical partner Adam Agee performed a free two-hour gig at Innisfree Poetry Bookstore & Cafe up on THE HILL (CU Boulder dominion). The musical expereince was so peaceful yet spirited and fun. It moved mountains within me. I will tell you that the owner, Brian, is a second generation Irishman who rooted himself in Boston, Massachusetts (woot woot). I was in so much pain coupled with frustration of varying elements going into all of this; I wasn't sure if I'd make it. Thwarted by pain, and not having a bike to ride in this balmy spring weather, and not being able to wear flip flops (and therefore sundresses like the rest of the world that day). It is a serious fashion faux pas to wear running shoes and sun dresses in my opinion, unless of course you're a righteous walker in NYC. I was glad that I got over myself (somewhat) and went to see Jon and Adam with Alon.

Adam and Jon at Innisfree

I digress. Point is, I really let go of everything bothering me, whatever was pinning me down, making me squirm and my skin crawl, and not allowing me to feel the love that is always around and within me. Jon and Adam's music put me in an extraordinarily good mood. A smile brimmed from ear to ear. Prior to this, I'll have you know I took a sweet ration of Oxycodone with Tylenol in order to mask the unbearable and face the world that day, because believe me, it would've been worse to take it and stay home commiserating alone. We are all relieved this was the last of my oxycodone which I'd been saving up for a moment like this since December. Goal achieved, moving on. The meds worked and about half way into the gig I was blissful, content, and rather stoned. I was opening up again to the love conveyed through music. Jon and Adam really were great and the audience was mellow and sweet. In complete contrast, I bet, to the Denver bar scene Jon and Adam were going to walk into later that night.

After the gig, Alon and I popped into Full Cycle (next door to Innisfree) where I test rode a couple bikes (hitting a dozen or so test rides in the last couple of weeks) ...and was rather captivated by Felt's Verza City 2 (which, if you read my last blog you'll know is the one I purchased). A sexy, full-figured, sparkly bronze commuter lady properly fitted with fenders, a rack, and disc brakes. THIS commuter cyclist's dream (minus $1000 *wink wink*). Took a five minute spin, enough to get a intuitive feel. Then Alon and I ate at The Sink where I reviewed some bike catalogs handed over by William at Full Cycle and enjoyed a delicious black bean burger. A cold, homemade lemonade swallowed the day into a sweet, bright, refreshing dream state.

Today! Today I went into the Boulder Bookstore and like a pleasant breeze was guided gently to the novel "The Enlightened Cyclist" by Eben Weiss (blogger of bikesnobnyc.blogspot.com). I've been entertaining myself with Eben's writing and antics online for about a year now. Low and behold, the man Himself is doing an author event at BBS this Sunday. I will be attending. Will you join me? I purchased this new book of his which I will start immediately upon typing the last period of this post.

My new, full-figured, sexy lass of a bike.

No News is Good News

... so here's the news:

Last Saturday I learned about two of my temporary limitations. Jumping and fast lateral movement.

In my new favorite group exercise class, Butts and Guts!, we had a kick ass 25 minute routine last Saturday. Part of this routine included jumping up in the air and bending down to squat and touch the floor. About 24 times. I remember doing these in basketball practice in high school. My first thought when I did this Saturday turned out to the be right one. You shouldn't be jumping. Nothing happened immediately. I modified to smaller, less frequent jumps. Still... bad idea as it turns out.

Another part of the class routine included a Bosu ball workout. I've grown to love and admire the Bosu for it's ability to provide continuous challenges and rewards. Staring at it like it knows it just made my life harder for the better. Smirking at it as I contemplate the positioning, balance, and agility I need to master it.

Saturday in "Butts & Guts!" we were literally leaping like ballerinas laterally over the Bosu to land one leg on the soft inflated part and one leg on the floor, and sitting back into a squat. BAD IDEA. What fun it seemed like at first... and then, that little voice. Side to side leaps over a half ball followed by one legged squats? Probably not there yet. Slow down, girl.

Well, yes, I continued... modified and slow, but still pushing the limits... wondering what my body will say to me later.

Here it is Thursday... six days later... and this week has been somewhat hellish for the ole left leg. I've had to scale back my workouts and walk a bit gimpy. Sharp pains through the inside of my knee. Soarness and stiffness from hip to toes. Rubbing the massive knot in my upper calf (probably from landing on my toes continuously instead of flat footed) and standing up to stretch during meetings more often. I've taken a few thousand milligrams of Tylenol and ibuprofen over the course of the week and today, reported all this to my physical therapist.

She told me exactly what I had learned, "You're just not there yet, but you will be!". We practiced some "jumping" and "running" simulation exercises using about 60-70% of my body weight. That was encouraging. We used the Total Gym for the running and a 2 inch high box platform for the jumping. This all felt pretty fine which was good. Although walking is not so easy tonight. I feel like I just don't want to move my leg at all, or else, pain. Fortunately, this is not the kind of pain that wakes me up at night. 

For all intents and purposes, I am doing great! The last two weeks or so I have observed marked (albeit small) increases in mobility, flexibility, feeling "light" and relaxed muscles. I'm walking A LOT and I'm much better at stairs (no awkward thumping). I also had my first REAL bike ride out on the open road yesterday! I rented a chill little step through cruiser-type bike by GIANT from Full Cycle and peddled my way to the gym. I even rode through the corner where I was in my accident. It was at least 70 degrees and sunny and that's all I really cared about. I was in complete bliss... peddling... warm... and free. I want to do this all day, every day. The weather has been so perfect for it. Another temporary physical limitation observed on the bike ride: standing and peddling... um, not so much. Hence, the term "cruiser". I am excited to continue to watch my progress, find balance in my every day experiences, and focus on more good times ahead.